


I Don't Hate You

by batarella



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Arkham (Video Games), Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010), DC Comics, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Fluffy the first half, High School, Mutual Pining, Reader is inspired by Jade West, Slow Burn, Smut, according to Jason at least, but still lovable, jason starts out as robin, so she's mean af, the two troublemakers get into detention, then the second half hits you like a brick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:47:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 141,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26127478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batarella/pseuds/batarella
Summary: “Place these back on the shelves. By genre. Alphabetical.”“No one reads books anymore. Why the fuck is there so many of them?”Todd. Jason. The kid you were sentenced the next ten weeks with to be library assistants until 4:30 pm. He snarled at you like you’d insulted his mother.“People still read them.”“There are computers right there,” you said, pointing to the array of school computers lined up in a long table. “Why can’t they just use them!?”“Most people of culture find comfort in books.”“Tell me what that was supposed to mean before I have to force it out of you.”
Relationships: Jason Todd/Original Character(s), Jason Todd/Original Female Character(s), Jason Todd/Reader, Red Hood/Reader, Robin/Reader
Comments: 119
Kudos: 275





	1. Library Sentence

**Author's Note:**

> Reader is heavily inspired by Jade West of Victorious! Scenes and even dialogue will be taken from the show, though this is not a ship fic between Jade and Jason! The primary point of the fic is how the reader has a very similar personality!

Comfort

Does it have to do with familiarity? How you smell, see, hear the same things so much that you wouldn’t bother to be curious at anything new? Never mind how you feel, or what you thought of the place. Or was it supposed to be something that calms you, takes you out of that rope coiling around your limbs, as if you were stretched out on a large enough bed?

Because the waiting room outside the disciplinary office was something you were far too familiar with. You didn’t feel uneasy or uncomfortable on the steel chair that was too cold for you to rest your arms on. The room was the same, stuffy humid that made you want to take deeper breaths, and there was that lingering smell of either strawberry or lemon perfume. But did it bring you comfort? Not exactly.

Arms folded over your chest, you stared at the Vice Principal’s assistant on her desk. She avoided looking at you, busy with her own paperwork. And it was all too telling that she didn’t want to start a conversation even if she wanted to. But she knew who you were. She looked up, caught your eye, and you looked away without so much as a greeting.

Her phone rang, and you knew it came from her boss. She stood up from her desk and walked over to the VP office’s door right beside you. Only giving you a single look. Not of shame, or pity, or even annoyance. The assistant’s face was blank when she pushed the door open for you. “Ms. Y/LN.”

Grabbing your bag and slinging it over your shoulder, you bit on your gums and slowly walked into the office. The door closed behind you, and Vice Principal Watson looked up at you from the edge of her glasses. She had her own set of paperwork on her desk, and with her free hand, she motioned for you to the chair in front.

“Have a seat.”

You kept your arms folded in front of you and looked at the woman, up and down. VP Watson let out a gentle sigh and placed her pencil into her holder to take out another pen. She placed her hands on top of the other over her mouth and kept staring at the chair you didn’t take. She wasn’t too old. A little over her 40s. But she looked exhausted enough to not want to deal with this shit anymore. Your shit, specifically. She wasn’t talking, so you rolled your eyes and reluctantly slumped onto the chair.

“Y/N.” Her voice was soft. “This is a new low. Even for you.”

“He deserved it.”

“What was it that Mr. Maxwell did to you then? Enlighten me.”

You guffawed beneath your breath and your eyes trailed around the room, your tongue pressing behind your teeth. Leaning forward with your elbows on your knees, you spoke.

“He spilled coffee all over my project.”

“I see,” she started writing down onto a form of some sort. “When did this happen?”

“This morning.”

“And what was it that you did to retaliate?”

You couldn’t help but smirk. VP Watson looked tiredly at you like she wasn’t anticipating a response she wasn’t already expecting.

“I threw a pair of scissors and it landed on his arm.”

She muffled a slight ‘mhm’, taking down notes without so much as another glance. “Were you aiming at his arm?”

You slumped back against the chair. “Probably not.”

Watson put the pen down and covered her face with her hands with a deep sigh. You held onto the all-too familiar chair and looked around at her desk, at the lack of a framed picture Watson usually had on top.

“I see you went through with the divorce.”

“Enough. You’re not funny.”

But you laughed, your hands folded on your lap. Ms. Watson rested her face on her hands. “You have to give me more details. I can’t rule this out as an accident again.”

“It wasn’t.”

“But it clearly was an accident when he spilled his drink, Ms. Y/LN.”

“I don’t care,” you said, enunciating every word clearly. “Maxwell has to do my project all over again. For me.”

“That’s not how it works, Y/N. Not after you’ve impaled him.”

You groaned indefinitely and looked up at the ceiling.

“For the past month you’ve sent five kids to the councilor crying about the horrible things you’ve said to them.”

“Oh, ‘cause it’s my fault they have the skin thinner than a bald cat?”

“Don’t you have friends to hold you back? Someone you hang out with? Maybe then you can practice just a tiny bit of empathy.”

“I have friends.”

“I’m worried about you, Y/N.” Her arm reached out to the edge of the desk, but you didn’t hold it. You simply stared at it with your raised brow that you’ve drawn high enough to make you look like you were permanently sneering at everyone you meet. “You can talk to Mr. Cadwell. You know our councilors are always welcome to help you.”

“I’m not interested in some heart to heart.”

“You need someone.”

You scoffed so eminently it would’ve probably have been heard from the other room. “I know exactly what I’m doing, Ms. Watson.”

She shook her head. “I no longer know how to help you, Y/N.”

“I said I don’t need help.”

The last time you were here, VP Watson skipped the lecture and handed you the punishment right away and you made your way out of the office after just five minutes. Why couldn’t she just do that every time? Why does she have to drag it out knowing it never ends the way she wants?

“Can’t you imagine the people you’ve sent crying to my office as your friends? Or someone you care about?”

“No.”

“What if it were you? How would that make you feel?”

Your scowl was loud enough to be heard by her secretary outside her office. You could only smile, staring anywhere else but at the Vice Principal with your tongue pressed to the side of your mouth. “I don’t know why they gave you this job, Ms. Watson.”

She chose to ignore the insult. You’ve said worse things. Far worse things.

“You cause permanent damage. It would help if you would… soften up.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Language, or you get another demerit,” she pulled out more of her forms. You scoffed and threw your arms in the air. “I don’t need a lecture.”

“I am doing everything I can to help you. Haven’t you ever had someone you cared about? Someone you wouldn’t get hurt by the things you do? If they were your friends, you wouldn’t want to hurt them, right?.”

“I have friends. As I said.”

“And yet, they’re all afraid of you. Everyone is afraid of you.”

“So?”

“So,” she pinched the middle of her eyes and closed them. “I think you need someone you care about. To make you feel better. A boyfr-“

“A boyfriend?” you almost screamed. “What kind of Vice Principal are you?!”

“I am running out of options. And things to say. You’re not exactly driving me sane here. I’m sorry.”

“I’ve never had one, Watson. And I don’t plan on having one. Boys are stupid and annoying and dirty.”

“And every guy you meet is terrified of you, Y/N.”

“That’s how I like it.”

“That-“ VP Watson took her glasses off, wiped them with her shirt, and grabbed her coffee mug from the side of her table. Taking long sips, she placed it back down, hands over her mouth.

“That shouldn’t be the case.”

“I want to go now.”

“I am here to help my students. No matter how personal it can get. It’s part of my job. And my job is to make sure you’re okay and not terrorizing half my other students.”

You shook your head and stared out the window, not even sparing the VP a glance.

“Someone can really help you, and he’ll be someone you’ll want to change for.”

“I’m not interested.”

“It will be difficult, but you need someone who _wouldn’t_ be afraid of you, not even if you tried-“

The door suddenly opened and it crashed right against the hard wall. A small man with glasses and a tie was hauling a young boy with his one hand by the arm, who flinched and was cursing vilely under his breath. His face was newly bruised and his cheek looked sore. He didn’t struggle. He just stood there, glaring at the man, VP Watson, and once he met your eyes, you.

“Ms. Watson-“

“Jerry, I’m in the middle of something.”

Jerry. Your science teacher. He was severely out of breath and the sweat was practically pouring out of his skin. He leaned against a drawer, still holding onto the boy with his hand.

“I’m sorry. But I couldn’t take it. A fight broke out right outside at the cafeteria. I barely made it out of there alive.”

You looked out the window to see if anything else was going on. You’d have loved to watch that fight. _Dammit_.

“Calm down,” Ms. Watson stood up to hold Jerry by the shoulder. “Who started the fight?”

“Jason Todd,” the teacher pulled on the boy’s arm. “This young man right here.”

Shit. This was too good to witness. Almost amusing even. You watched as the Vice Principal had a surge of yet another headache and you didn’t even bother holding back a light smile. You turned to Jason, who kept his eyes on the ground shamefully by now.

“Mr. Todd. Is that true?”

Todd didn’t look her in the eye. He looked like a guy who could win a fight. He was large. And you’ve seen this kid silently brood around in the hallways. His dark hair was almost always covering his eyes, though he was constantly studying or reading in the library. His eyes had that same darkness when he gritted his teeth and mumbled his response. “Yes.”

“Jesus,” Ms. Watson silently breathed. “Ms. Y/LN. I’m gonna need you to wait outside.”

“Can’t I just go-“

“No. I have a whole new array of punishments for you. Mr. Todd. Take a seat.”

You scoffed again, slamming your hands on the arm rests and pushing the chair back. The Vice Principal pressed onto her telephone and called her assistant. “Jen. Make sure Ms. Y/LN doesn’t leave.”

Slamming the door behind you, you crashed onto the cold seat outside the office again mumbling obscene insults at the Vice Principal who could no longer hear you. Jen, the assistant, managed to glance at you, but the moment you returned the look with a piercing glare, she shrugged and looked away. You laid your head against the wall and closed your eyes.

There was someone else at your side. Another boy you didn’t know. One from the football team. He looked beaten up and his brown hair was an absolute mess. Probably the guy that Todd kid picked a fight with. He looked just as large as Todd was, but he had more bruises than just on his cheek. He held up a bag of ice to his purple eye, his lip was bleeding, and his nose looked like it might need some work. He noticed you stare at him. “What are you looking at, _sweet cheeks_?”

You widened your eyes, nostrils flaring, and your eyebrows raising almost to your forehead. That glare was enough to make him swallow his words, even with his throat all sore, and look immediately away from you. “S-Sorry, Y/N. Pretend I’m not here.”

Your eyes trailed at him for longer before you closed them and went back to leaning against the wall. Not long after, the door opened, and the Vice Principal looked at you with her arms tiredly motioning for you to come in. “Y/N…”

Walking back inside, this time not taking the seat no matter how long she was going to offer it to you, you stood with your back leaned against the door and looked at Todd watching you with his eyes all hooded. You glared back.

He slowly looked back at the VP. He didn’t flinch when he caught your stare. He looked unbothered, then Ms. Watson gathered her forms and folded them in a nice, neat pile.

“Both your behaviors are simply unacceptable. No amount of detention will cover it. Especially not when it’s neither of your first times here in my office.”

Ms. Watson looked like she was preparing herself. “I have a special task that will surely bring both of you to your needed discipline.”

——

Three pm. By now you were supposed to head home, take a nap. Not stand in the fucking school library with some kid with a bruised face while the librarian hands both of you a monstrous pile of books on two unorganized carts. You pressed a finger down the line between your eyes and nose.

The Librarian, Ms. Peterson, was an old woman far beyond her prime, her back arched so low she was standing right up to your chest. Her white hair was falling intensively onto the books, and you had to brush off a strand that fell on your black sleeve.

“Place these back on the shelves. By genre. Alphabetical.”

“No one reads books anymore. Why the fuck is there so many of them?”

Todd. Jason. The kid you were sentenced the next ten weeks with to be library assistants until 4:30 pm. He snarled at you like you’d insulted his mother.

“People still read them.”

“There are computers right there,” you said, pointing to the array of school computers lined up in a long table. “Why can’t they just use them!?”

“Most people of culture find comfort in books.”

Oh. _Oh._ This guy.

“Tell me what that was supposed to mean before I have to force it out of you.”

“Better start placing those books on the shelves, _Y/N_.” He said your name far too sneeringly. Todd took his cart and reeled it over to the shelves. You gritted your teeth, forcibly pulling on your own cart, of which the wheel was squeaking and almost falling out of the socket, and parked it right beside Jason, glaring at him even when he wasn’t even giving you another glance.

“What are you in for, anyway?”

You chucked a book way too harshly into the shelf. “None of your goddamn business.”

“I’d have seen it myself if I wasn’t in my own conundrum.” _Conundrum?_ “Come on. Tell me.”

You took out another book, and without even looking at the cover, placed it on the first available space you could see. “You know that Maxwell kid?”

“The guy who spills his coffee on the table all the time?”

“He spilled it on my project. I worked on it all day.”

“What was it?”

You paused. “Just some collage for art class.”

“Oh,” he watched you arrange a book. “That’s rough. What did you do to him?”

That’s when you smirked like you took pride in what you did. “I threw a pair of scissors. It landed on his arm.”

“ _Jesus._ ”

One after another, onto the same shelf. Jason looked over and visibly sighed, stepping closer to you and taking the books you just placed back into the cart.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Be quiet. This is a library.”

You were growling, and your head was starting to boil. “Get the hell away from me.”

“You’re arranging them all wrong. These are classics fictions. Which belong all the way over there,” he pointed to the shelf beside you. “This shelf is for poetry. See?”

You grabbed the cart, making sure he could see the look on your face. Eyes widened. Teeth gritting. Nostrils flared. Eyebrows raised.

And Jason just stared back at you with an equally disgusted face before turning back to his books. “Stop wasting time, Wednesday Adams.”

“You little sh-“

“S _HH!_ ” Mrs. Peterson’s shrill voice was loud enough to be heard by the whole library. Everyone looked up from their books, then turned to you. You stepped back and grabbed your cart, cursing when you saw Jason laughing beneath his breath.

You just went to work. Classic fiction. Most of your books were in that genre. You stayed by that shelf, placing them just a tad softer onto the spaces, your boots on their tippy toes when you had to reach the highest shelf. Minutes. An hour. More than an hour.

The light outside the window had started to dim. It was almost 4:30, and you barely arranged half the books in your cart. You peered over at Jason at the other shelf. More than halfway done. You growled, placing the book on top of the spines of other books even when you knew that wasn’t allowed.

The highest shelf was far beyond your reach. Even on your toes. It was five minutes until 4:30. And you just wanted to put this last book before you’d get the hell out of this place.

“Need help?”

You almost slumped too hard on the ground and slammed the book against your thigh. Craning your head up, you looked at Jason, jaw clenched, before rolling your eyes and handing the book to him. His taller frame was able to place the book onto the shelf without much effort. You kept your arms folded while he turned his attention to you with his large arm against the shelf.

Jason was cute. Really cute actually.

“Look, if I’m gonna be stuck here with you for the next ten weeks, we might as well stop hating each other.”

“Don’t take it personally. I’m horrible to everyone.”

“Well, they don’t have the _blessing_ to spend two hours with you in the library every day, which I know you just _love_ doing.”

You cocked your jaw. “I’d rather slam my tongue into a car door.”

“I’m not a fan of this either. We might as well tolerate each other.”

Tolerate. That was much easier. You rolled your eyes just as he stuck his newly bruised hand out for you to shake.

Putting on the biggest fake smile, you grabbed his hand, shook it, and gripped it with enough force to hit his bruises for him to wince away.

“Mother _fucker_.”

“Hmm.” Another fake smile. “Nice to meet you.”

4:30. You stormed out of the library before anyone else could even look at you.


	2. Edgar Allan Poe

“E-excuse me, Y/N?”

A scared little voice. One you’d easily miss if you had been listening to anything more interesting, or if Ms. Peterson allowed you to wear earphones while you worked. But the voice was right there, coming from right behind you. You turned around with your brows scrunched up to the center of your forehead.

“Uhm, I’m Jake. From Math C-class.”

The boy was visibly shaking. You kept looking at him, making sure he knew his presence was an annoyance while you had a whole cart of yellowing books for you to go through. Jake gulped. “You uhm. Borrowed my notes.”

You turned your head to the side, narrowing your eyes.

“Can I have them back please?”

Eyes widened. Nostrils flared. And not even after a split second, Jake started to back away. “I-I’m sorry. I meant uhm. You can keep them! Oh, fuck-“

He started to back away, your deathly glare locked onto him, but something stopped his back from going any further. Something much larger than he was. He turned around, craned his head up, and saw Jason Todd standing over him.

“J-Jason?!” The boy was practically going white by now. “Shit. Shit. I-I’m so sorry. I’ll go now.”

“Wait. Here.”

And he held out his hand, which was holding a dark red notebook. Jake instantly froze, looking at Jason’s calm expression, then at you. You were no longer looking at Jake. Your eyes were locked on Jason. And you looked positively furious.

“Thank y-you.” Before he could catch your eye, he ran out of the library, clutching the notebook to his chest and violently pushing everyone in his way.

Your unwilling partner turned to you, then went back to pull out his cart. He came back up from a corner, with his own cart almost empty. Todd placed a book on the same shelf you were working.

“ _I WILL SLAM THE SPINES OF THESE BOOKS RIGHT INTO YOUR EYE SOCKETS UNTIL YOU BLEED OUT YOUR INTESTINES, TODD-”_

A shush from the librarian’s desk that was blocked by the shelves in your way. You didn’t respond to the old woman. Your jaw was clenched, your sharp, black nails digging into the book covers. Jason calmly took the book away from you before you’d tear it apart.

“ _YOU WENT THROUGH MY FUCKING BAG._ ”

“I didn’t. You left it on the desk right over there. Didn’t think you’d care if I gave it back when you obviously didn’t need them anymore.”

“You know. Never mind these books. I’ll claw your eyes out with my bare hands.”

“You don’t have the strength or the will to do that.”

“I’ve done the same to someone else in eighth grade, you little shit. Watch me.”

Jason’s cart was empty by the time you finished that sentence. Instead of turning away, or even flinch in surprise, he folded his arms and looked down at you. “I know you think everyone in this fucking school bends to your every whim. But I have news for you, kid.”

He craned his head to near his face to yours. So close you could inhale his musky scent. You stood solid on your feet and didn’t do so much as back away. You looked at him dead in the eye.

“You don’t scare me.”

“You don’t know me just yet.”

Your voices were whispers. “You can try fuck all. I’ve seen much worse.”

And you could see the look of his eyes. There was no trace of fear or hesitance. He slowly backed away with a smirk when he saw you didn’t even have a snarky response to that. The glare you had on would’ve sent anyone else trembling. But all Jason did was pick up a book from your cart and placed it on a shelf you wouldn’t have otherwise reached.

“I’ll help you. You’re awfully slow at this.”

The amount of times your eyes rolled because of this kid’s response to you was astronomical. And it had only been a week working with him.

“Excuse me for not wanting to clean up after people.”

“Just do it. Faster.” He handed you a book, which you roughly snatched away from his hands with a loud grunt. You walked over to the other side of the shelf and placed it on an empty space. “You’re doing better. But you still put Conan Doyle’s in the True Crime shelf.”

“The _what?_ ”

“Conan Doyle. The detective books. God, you really should know about this stuff.”

“I fucking know about Sherlock Holmes, asshole.”

He picked up a pile of three books with a single large hand and placed it on the most bottom shelf. “Then why do I keep re-shelving your screw ups? This one goes there.” He hands you a book, and you quickly got it from him without giving him another glance.

“Whatever.”

“Let’s just go through the carts one by one. Together. It’s easier that way.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“You want our jobs to be easier? Or do you wanna spend another hour in this shithole?”

You angrily grabbed a book by its spine and shoved it into a tight shelf. You grabbed the cart, turning it to the opposite side of the shelf, to which he trailed close by. You almost hit him with the wheel of your cart, but Jason backed away in time. His glare was just as devious as yours just a minute ago, and you shrugged at him, smirking, before going back to work.

You continued to work in silence. Your cart was still halfway done, and you had another hour in the library before you were allowed to go home. Pursing your lips, focusing on the book covers, re-shelving the ones you were already familiar with and glancing at the pages of a few of them, you worked faster through your cart while Jason started with the shelf behind you.

The window was lighting up his face. And you hadn’t seen it earlier today until now. A new bruise was at his cheekbone, higher up than the one that got him sent to the office. It was darker and looked even more painful. Gotten himself in another fight, perhaps. But if that were the case, you’d have definitely heard about it. You went about the halls with your eyes peeled just to catch any sort of action you regretfully missed. Jason took more time with the books, skimming them before gently placing them back.

You picked up five chemistry books from the cart and walked over two shelves away so you could come back for the cart later. Placing them on the floor, you started to arrange the mess on the shelves, just as a girl came up behind you.

“Y/N?”

Penny’s sweet voice was enough to startle you. A friend. One of the few you’d actually hang out with. Even after just two months ago, you sent this poor girl crying to the counsellor’s office after you repeatedly called her an idiot while working on your partnered assignment.

“What?”

“Why are you arranging books?”

“Huh,” you cocked your hip. “Never realized I didn’t get to tell you.”

“What happened?”

You turned over to her, slamming the cover of the book flat against your palm. “VP’s attempt at a punishment after a week ago. Meet your fucking library assistant.”

“Wow,” she clutched at her books on her chest. “Is Jason Todd working with you as well?”

Your disgusted grunt didn’t even startle Penny. “Don’t get me started on that guy.”

“I saw the fight he was in. Did you?”

“No, but dammit I really fucking wanted to. What happened?”

You continued with your books, and Penny leaned against the shelf. “Don’t mess up my fucking shelves, Penny.”

You roughly pushed her shoulder away and she flinched. “Jeez. Sorry.”

“Tell me. What happened?”

“Well,” she looked at the ground. “I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Jason suddenly punched him in the face and almost knocked Brandon out. He fought back, but Jason is really… something. Brandon barely landed a hit, and Jason just kept beating him up to a bloody pulp. Didn’t even stop even when he was on the ground.”

“Jesus.” You looked over the shelves to find Jason. “Yeah. I saw Brandon. That was quite the damage.”

Penny looked at the same direction as you. Now you _really_ wished you were there to see that fight. “He just came back from the hospital. His nose had get reconstructed.”

It eventually made sense. How Jason practically stood off with you and threatened you with your own will.

“I’d be careful around him, Y/N.”

“ _Please_. Have I ever been afraid of anyone?”

“No. But he probably isn’t either.”

You rolled your eyes for the nth time that day, refusing to tell Penny your confrontation with Jason. She tapped your shoulder. “See you tomorrow. Good luck with the shelving.”

You nodded at her, then she left. Finishing the last book, you made your way back to the cart where Jason was standing, eyes glued to a dusty old book you couldn’t see the title of. Going through the books left in your cart, you coughed.

“Got into another fight, Todd?”

“Huh?” he looked up, then his fingers grazed against his own cheek. “Oh. Yeah. I guess.”

“Next time you pick a fight, make sure I’m at my free period.”

“Shut up.”

You chuckled. “What did Brandon say to you?”

“None of your business.”

“I told you what happened to me, asshole. Now it’s your turn.”

He went back to his book. He went through your cart fast. And about twenty of them were left for you to shelf. You kept at it, and Jason snarled at you.

“That guy’s an asshole. You know that?”

“Yeah.”

“No one saw him talk shit at me while I was at lunch. That’s when I lunged at him. That fucker deserved it.”

Strangely satisfied, you shrugged. You folded your arms and he leaned against the shelf on his shoulder, looking at you.

“I’ve thrown a few punches at him myself. Once or twice.”

“What’d he do to you?”

“He had the balls to hit on me two years ago. Aggressively.”

A breath of air escaped his nostrils. And he looked amused listening to you even. “Of course you would.” He ran a hand across his hair, and you got a better look of his eyes.

4:30. And only five books left in the cart. You threw the one you had on your hand back into the pile and waves your hands in the air. “You got the rest, don’t you Todd?”

He just stared at you after you didn’t give him a chance to pounce back, walking out of the library before the second hand reached the number 12. Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you walked out the school and got your phone from your pocket.

Just as you were about to call your mom, you got a text from her.

_‘Dad is here, Y/N. He’ll pick you up in a few mins.’_

The smirk you had on your face died down in an instant. You almost wanted to throw your phone at the ground, but you paid too much money for that. So you settled with your foot violently landing at a metal trashcan that was unfortunate enough to be near you at the time. It crashed onto the ground and the garbage flew out of it all over the mowed grass. You stormed out into the sidewalk without catching anyone else’s eye.

 _‘don’t bother. I’ll walk home.’_ You replied.

A thirty-minute walk didn’t seem to be much work anymore.

—–

“Now.” Ms. Peterson’s shaky hands placed a cart full of books on Jason’s side of the table, with you sitting right across from him, and she wheeled over an empty cart to you, then placed a clipboard on top.

“These were returned this week. I haven’t got the energy to do these myself. So you two oughtta do it. List these down and watch out for any damages. These kids read like they’re tossing them around the fucking house.”

You’ve never heard an old woman swear until that day.

“Take them back to the shelves when you’re done. And make sure you finish today.”

She was getting grouchier by the second. You scoffed at her and picked up an old book from the pile. “How are we supposed to look for new damages? These are older than I am.”

“Just look for any crumples on the covers, and flip through them if you see any rips.”

His thumb went through a whole book in seconds and he gave the book back to you. “That one’s clean. Place it back to the cart.”

“Just give me that.”

You took the clipboard and clicked on a pen. “I’ll list them down. Tell me if they’re any good.”

“Fine. Fundamentals of Statistics. All good.”

You ticked the box on the clipboard beside the title and got the book from his hand, placing it on the cart. While you did that, he picked up another, went through the cover, flipped through the pages, then gave it to you. “Tenth Grade Chemistry. All good.”

Another tick. You placed it on the cart and it went on and on for several books. Jason knew exactly what to look for. Any bent spines, creased covers, he looked at those books, especially the old literature ones you’d often see him skim through every day. You held out a hand for him to give you the next one, but he was busy reading a page from a Shakespearean poetry collection.

Jason was a complete nerd. Even when his demeanor clearly didn’t look like it. You wanted to laugh at him if he didn’t actually look cute with his nose scrunched up like that. You’ve also made fun of that side of him so much within a span of a few days that it just got boring by now. Instead of a chuckle, you smiled.

“Dude.”

“Sorry.” He gave the book to you. “All good.”

Just as you placed it on the cart, he brought up a book with a torn cover and his face almost broken in disgust.

“I know. What an _animal_.”

He placed the book on the side like it was toxic waste and sneered. “Take note of that.”

That’s when you laughed. He just scowled at you while he continued with the next one. You finished through the pile with 45 minutes to spare, which was all the time you had to place these back on the shelves.

You both got up from the table and Jason pushed the cart with you leading the way. Starting with the science books, you started to loosen up the shelves.

“Getting the hang of this, Y/N?”

“Don’t get used to this. We still have nine weeks. By the end of this you’d be repulsed at the sight of paper.”

“I read everyday, just so you know. And I have a library of my own. Jokes on you.”

“An asshole _and_ a huge geek. You’ve really got it all.”

“Funny.”

You were faster with the shelving, definitely. But you weren’t proud of it.

“You should at least try with Edgar Allan Poe. If you like all those dark, spooky stuff.”

“What makes you think I like… that?”

He almost wanted to laugh. “You’re covered in black and your eyeliner’s about as dark as a crayon.”

“And you’re just about as bright as daisies, right Todd?”

“I didn’t mean to insult you. Chill out. Not everyone’s out to get you.”

You… kept silent.

“Here.” He went to the shelf near you and picked out a small book. On the cover was a face of a thin man with a funny mustache and a black bird, a raven most probably, perched on his shoulder.

“Poe’s one of the best there is. Just go through it.”

Reluctantly, and with nothing catty for you so lash out on when you’ve never even had a conversation like this, you looked at him and slowly took the book from his hand.

“We don’t have to tell Mother Goose over there.”

Ms. Peterson was busy playing solitaire on her computer. You turned back to Jason, then at the book, a hand going over the cover. Helping Jason with the cart, you’ve basically circled the whole library, finishing most of the pile.

4:35. That was a first.

With the final books on the shelf, and almost no one left in the library except you, Jason, Mother Goose, and about two other kids sleeping on the tables. You leaned your back against the shelf and started reading the first story of Poe’s collection. The Murders of Rue Morgue. You’d never admit it. Not right now. But the title alone intrigued you.

“You just gonna leave me to finish your work, Y/N?”

“Not telling you to do anything, Todd.”

You kept your silence with your eyes glued into the book and Jason kept with the shelves. Almost no one was left in the library, but you didn’t feel the need to rush home tonight.

Maybe not for a while. Not with _him_ back at home.

The light on the pages were shaded by a dark shadow, and when you looked up, you stood frozen. Jason smelled nice. And you could smell him even better now that you were squished between him and the shelf, your eye level right at the veins of his neck. His arm was reached out to the shelf way above your head and you pressed the book flat against your chest. He shoved the book in place, then he looked down at you, meeting your eyes. His face was so fucking close to your own, and he didn’t even move after he’s shoved the book in place. His arm lowered, looking at you, and his features were soft. You’ve never seen a jaw that defined until that very moment.

Holy fuck, _he’s so cute_.

Slower. Even slower. He pulled away. Or it might have been just a split second. You could barely tell the difference.

“You’re in the way.”

You managed to just nonchalantly look back into your book, ignoring his longing stare at you when he leaned over the cart.

“I’ve heard of this guy before,” you said, steering away his attention on you and back to the book. “I heard his work gets really dark.”

“So you do like that kind of stuff?”

“Mostly movies,” you smirked. “I’ve watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose more times than I’ve been sent to the VP’s office.”

He laughed at that, pressing his hand against the shelf.

“You’ll enjoy that book, then.”

“Eh,” you shrugged. “We’ll see.”

But you found your attention drawn back to the book yet again. A longer while passed, and Jason wheeled the now empty cart to the side before walking back to you.

“You’re not eager to go home today.”

Your teeth went over your lips, keeping your attention to the words.

“So?”

“I saw you. You were walking home yesterday.”

“It’s my choice. It’s not a big deal.”

“I also saw you mutilate a trash can.”

You rolled your eyes. “Just leave me alone.”

“Is everything alright at home?”

“Todd, I swear you’ll realize how much I’ve been holding back punching you in the face for a whole week.”

“You might not have known. But I came from an abusive family myself before Bruce Wayne took me in. I know neglectful parents when I see it.”

You really wanted to punch him this time. For real. Just one to the face. It shouldn’t hurt that bad. For you, anyways.

“Didn’t know you were fucking loaded.”

“I’m not.” He reached out his hand to you. “Give me your phone.”

“ _TODD_.”

There was no one to shush you now, but even your slightly raised voice didn’t back Jason down. He scoffed at you then settled for a piece of paper ripped from the clipboard. He took the pen and wrote something down.

“Those are two numbers. Mine and a help hotline. I don’t take these things lightly. You might be a pain, but not even you deserve to go through that.”

Even more. In just a few weeks, one guy has made you speechless more times than anyone else has in years. Again, you had no insult to hurl or a sarcastic comment that would’ve naturally came to you otherwise.

You took the paper and placed it between the pages of your book. Then you leaned against the shelf, staring blankly at the ground.

“I’m not being abused.” Your voice has never been lighter. “But… thanks.”

“You better start heading home by now.”

He walked out the door, and eventually, you followed.

You finished the entire book that night. And the day after, you read it twice.


	3. The Worst Day

Hands flat on Ms. Peterson’s desk, you flashed the brightest fake smile you could. She looked up from her computer, probably the fifth round of solitaire for the day, and cocked up an eyebrow. She did not at all look amused at you storming in.

But you’ve been in the library for twenty minutes and this woman has not given you anything to do to keep you in here.

“Listen, Ms. Peterson. As much as we just _love_ hanging out in this outdated hellhole, I’d rather we go home than just sit here and do nothing for the next hour and a half.”

Her shaky hands didn’t flinch. And she turned her attention back at her screen.

“I’m told to keep you in here for another eight weeks. I’ve had this job for fifty years and I’m not about to lose it to two whiny brats.”

“She’s the only whiny brat here, Ms. P.” Jason rested his elbows on the desk and leaned over beside you. “If you let us out, it’ll be our little secret. C’mon.”

Obviously, that sort of trick works for Jason more times than it would for any ordinary person. But Ms. Peterson was not the one to charm with. And she had the same, dead look in her eye when she turned her head at the young man.

“Sit. Down.”

“What the hell are we supposed to do?”

“I don’t care. Just get your asses on those chairs and sit. Oh look! A person in need of service. There’s your job. Go do it.”

Only one guy was standing behind you. You snarled at him, eyes narrowed. You were almost growling beneath your breath which made him visibly stand back. Jason looked at him over his shoulder with less fear factor but with the same annoyance.

The sight of you both made him almost piss his pants.

“Uhm,” he gulped. “Can you please show me where sci fi books are at?”

You cocked up an eyebrow, glancing at your nails before nudging Jason with your shoulder. He grunted at you, giving you that same ‘ _I really fucking hate you’_ look on his face he’s practically embedded onto his own skin by now. You shrugged, looking back at your nails. Then Jason stood straight and held the guy by the shoulder.

“Go through that aisle. Third shelf from the right.”

“He asked you to _go with him_ , Todd.”

His glare on you was really starting to show. “He can find it himself.”

The poor guy gulped and viciously nodded to agree with Jason. He walked away, making sure not to catch your eye. You lifted your elbows from the librarian’s desk and spared the old lady another snarky look, to which she didn’t even bother to notice. Both of you sitting back on the empty table, Jason placed his arm crossed over the other on the surface and leaned his head over to at least try having a nap. His hair was all sprawled out. You, on the other hand, leaned back, head hanging on your neck, and closing your eyes hoping time would fly by faster that way.

It didn’t.

Two weeks. It had been two fucking weeks. And yet, you were far from being halfway through this macabre series of events. Why couldn’t you have just punched that Maxwell kid in the face? Or threatened to murder him in his sleep? Anything else would have been better. Anything that would’ve landed you in an entirely different situation than to be stuck here with an old woman stricter than a Belle Reeves prison guard.

You could either look at the windows out the library, find a book and actually read one of them (though if they had any more of Poe’s you’d likely get your hands on them).

Or just stare at the eye candy in front of you.

Your smirk was less obvious when you glanced over the veins on his large, muscled arms, folded on top of the other with his skin stretched. His thick, black hair that was long enough to cover most of his forehead, now sticking onto his arm. His neck that was long and thick, his thin shirt and how even more lean muscles would pop out when he’d unintentionally flex. You often caught sight of his stomach when he’d reach over a shelf that was at the top most level, and the ‘V’ shape on his skin was more than eminent enough for you to picture. He wasn’t absolutely huge, especially since he was just 17. But he was definitely fit.

You wouldn’t mind looking at that for a while. Not until he starts talking, anyway. For long minutes, that was what you did, then you got bored.

The tip of your boots kicked his shin under the table. He jumped up, startled, almost growling at you with dark bags under his eyes.

“The fuck do you want now?”

“Someone’s a bit angsty today,” your evil little smirk ticked off another of his nerves. You could tell. He let out a large sigh, started leaning back against the back of his chair, then spread out his arms behind his head to stretch.

_Ooooooh shit. There is was. The veins._

“I didn’t sleep last night.” Jason finished stretching and went back to lean against the table. “You done gawking?”

“ _Cute._ ” You scrunched up your face to mock him. “I’m bored.”

“And what am I supposed to do with that?”

“Help me sneak out of here.”

“Two weeks here. You think I haven’t tried sneaking out once or twice? That woman’s got the eye of a fucking hawk.”

“Is there any other way out of here?”

“I doubt it.”

Your groan was indefinitely long, stretching the back of your neck when you opted to reach for your phone.

“I’m at three percent.”

Jason took out his own phone. “Mine’s at five.”

“That blackout from last night reach your monster mansion, too?”

He snarled at you and rolled his eyes. “Bruce has generators to power up the whole place when we need it.”

“Then why are you at five percent?”

“Because I’ve been tinkering on this sorry little fucker the last thirty minutes.” He held it up with just his fingers. It had a cracked screen. It looked too old to even be used. “Battery drains faster than my patience.”

“Can’t your new rich dad buy you another one?”

“He did. I don’t wanna use it. Just doesn’t feel like mine.”

“Ah. You’re one of those guys. ‘ _My parents are rich, not me’_ kind of dudes. You’re all the same kinds of annoying.”

“I don’t act all high and mighty, for your information.”

“I’m just saying,” you raised your arms up. “If I were you’d I’d at least enjoy his wealth. It’s stupid if you don’t take advantage of things you clearly already have.””

He silently shook his head and looked to the side like you wouldn’t understand even if you tried. Scoffing, you turned away, and you caught the eye of Maxwell, who had a sling on his arm still.

“Holy fuck,” you reached for your bag. “I can’t believe I fucking forgot.”

“What?”

Pouring out the contents, you mumbled. “Help me with this thing and I swear I owe you a huge favor.”

“I think watching you wallow in your pain would be more worth my time.”

“That sounds more like my line. You’re taking after me. Good. And I’d say likewise if I wasn’t so desperate, Todd.” You started pouring out pieces of paper, a bottle of glue, and a pair of the largest scissors Jason’s ever seen.

“Is that-“

“The scissors that sent that guy to therapy?” You pointed at Maxwell. “Yes. Yes they are.”

“Jesus.” He took it from your hands. “No fucking wonder.”

“Stop ogling and help me.”

“What the fuck are you supposed to do?”

“Remember the project that kid spilled his coffee on? This is it. I finished it that day and now I have to do it all over again. They gave me another two weeks to do it and I completely forgot about it until now. I’m supposed to make a stained-glass kind of picture. But with cutting pieces of colored paper.”

Jason took the paper you had on the table.

“These are all white, black, gray, and one sheet that’s dark red.”

You shrugged. “I like working with those colors. Now help me. I wanna do this.” You pulled out your phone and showed him a saved photo of one you’d like to copy. He almost jumped out of his seat when you suddenly showed him a picture of a deranged clown with a big red nose, a smile much larger than half his face, and eyes dark and dwelling enough to give him nightmares.

“I wanna know what type of dark shit you’re on.”

“It’s just a clown.”

“I am not helping you on your little art project.”

“Please.” Your hands were down, your eyes widened but not the threatening kind. And your voice, it was definitely the softest he’s ever heard it. Twitching an eyebrow like he was watching your every move, Jason didn’t flinch.

He looked at the clock. Then back at you with his eyeballs rolled all the way around.

“You’re lucky I literally have nothing better to do.”

You propped your shoulders up and gave him a black piece of paper and a pair of scissors. “Great. Cut these into the shapes I drew here.”

A disgruntled groan and a sharp snatch from your hands, Jason looked just as cranky as you usually were. It was amusing. He glared at you and you just smiled back. “ _Thanks, Jay._ ”

“Shut up and get to work.”

Your eyes lingered a bit longer on him, even when he’d started to fiddle with your too-large scissors, and you rolled your eyes with a bit of a smile.

“What’s making you so grumpy today?”

He didn’t bother looking up at you. His brows were all scrunched up as he cut the black piece of paper.

“I told you. I didn’t get to sleep last night. I was… out. Why are _you_ grumpy all the time?”

You squinted your eyes at him then went to work. Carefully, he went through the first paper and gave you the shapes you wanted. You set aside your own batch and you took out the larger, white paper on which you’d glue it all on.

“Okay. Give me the shapes.”

You took out the glue and started pouring it on the paper.

“You’re doing it all wrong.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“You clearly don’t.” He snatched it from you and started wiping the glue off with his finger, spreading it around. “I can’t believe I’m fucking doing this.”

“And what _are_ you doing exactly?” you snarled.

“Pouring the glue in will make it all sticky. You should’ve traced over the outer lines so it wouldn’t crumple.”

“I know that.” You took the glue away from him again, then placed the shape onto the paper. “One down.”

“Fucking kill me now.”

“Keep cutting. I’ll handle the glue.”

“Do it right, then.”

You stuck your tongue out at him. He started again with your scissors and went back to snipping off the pieces of paper. Gluing the shapes one by one, you started taking out a red marker and traced the outlines to mimic the flow of blood.

Jason stared at it, then at you, eyes wide with disbelief, then went back to his scissors.

“Excuse me,” a girl went up to you. A freshman, you could tell. “That lady told me you could show me to the young adult section?”

“No. Go away.”

You kept with your glue, not even looking at the girl who just stared at you awkwardly. Jason pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a deep, long sigh. “Go down that aisle. Fifth shelf. Down the very end.”

“Uh. Thanks.” She walked over to where Jason was pointing at. You still didn’t look up from your work. And instead, watched on as Jason continued with cutting the shapes. “You need to chill.”

“Finish those up. That’s the last one.”

Jason rolled his eyes even more, angrily cutting through the pieces of red paper the size of the clown’s big red nose. He dropped the scissors onto the table and just continued to watch you gluing the pieces together with way too much glue.

He gave you no warning before grabbing the glue bottle from you and the shapes, stretching his arm out so you can’t reach them.

“ _TODD.”_

_“YOU’RE RUINING THE WHOLE THING.”_

_“NO, I’M NOT.”_ You cursed with his name and stood up from your chair, reaching out with your arms all the way to him while he desperately wiped off the excess glue for your sake. “ _GIVE THAT BACK.”_

 _“SIT DOWN.”_ He cried back at you.

You heard the shrillest shush Ms. Peterson has ever made, before you went back to fumbling with Jason. Your table was at the far end, and she was no longer at your line of sight. He held your wrist, wiping off the rest of the glue, then finally handed the bottle back to you. Putting the shapes onto the paper, you groaned when you slumped back on the chair.

“It looks horrible,” he tried to stifle a laugh.

“Fuck you.”

“At least you’re almost done, right?”

“You put the glue on the shapes then, genius. I’ll paste them on.”

Grumbling with his deep voice, he took the glue bottle and swiped the shapes back over to him. Using thin, barely visible lines, he was so stingy with the glue you wanted to tear your hair out.

“That won’t even stick to a fly trap.”

“You want your work to look all crumpled? Go ahead.”

“Just put a bit more.”

“I have the fucking glue bottle,” his eyebrows were raised. “You sit there and wait for me, then you stick them yourself. Start with this.”

He slammed a shape onto the table and you took it, careful not to hit your fingers with the glue. Biting into your gums, you wondered how you’ll be able to handle yet another eight weeks with his kid.

Your bickering didn’t even stop there. It went on, and Jason had to cut even more shapes to make up for some that were far too small. He was practically yelling at this point, and you weren’t about to get yelled at and not respond.

“ _YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CUT THEM, DINGUS.”_

_“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE RIGHT FUCKING SIZE.”_

_“I GAVE YOU THE PATTERN. YOU ONLY HAD TO FOLLOW IT.”_

_“WELL I WOULD HAVE IF YOUR SCISSORS WEREN’T SO DAMN BIG.”_

_“THEY’RE THE BEST PAIR IN EXISTENCE. YOU JUST CAN’T HANDLE IT.”_

_“I THINK I CAN HANDLE A PAIR OF SCISSORS.”_

_“THEN WHY CAN’T YOU CUT BETTER THAN A FUCKING SEVEN-YEAR-OLD.”_

_“’CUZ THEY DON’T HAVE A FUCKING PARROT SCREAMING AT THEM EVERY FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES.”_

The silent yelling didn’t stop. At the end, your voices were too loud that Ms. Peterson would’ve eventually shushed you for the last time and probably throw her slipper at you. Thankfully, she’d gone out to the bathroom and you were left alone.

Everyone else had left. It was almost 5 pm, and you refused to go if your project still wasn’t finished.

“This. Is. The worst day. Of my entire life. And I used to live in the streets.”

“You’re not going anywhere. Stay.”

A deep, agonizingly painful groan. He slumped onto the table and buried his face into his arms. “Why can’t you just kill me?”

Another set of long minutes, with your attention directly at the glue and scraping off the excess to make it look presentable. It didn’t actually look that bad. The second set of cut shapes were just the right size. Jason didn’t bother looking up. He might have even fallen asleep with you being silent for the longest time since you got there.

No one was left in the library, and it was just starting to get dark.

“Aaaaand _THERE_.” You placed the finished project onto the table and clapped your hands together in a grinning happiness. Jason, on the other hand, looked as good as dead.

“You may go.”

“You owe me fucking big time, kid.”

You smirked at him when he violently pushed his chair back, grabbed his backpack and went out for the door. You took your time, especially since going home late didn’t seem like such a drag anymore when Dad moved back in. You carefully slipped your collage into your folder and slung your bag over your shoulder.

Jason was still standing in front of the door, hand frozen on the handle you pushed him away and turned it, only for your hand to come at an abrupt stop and the sound of gears halting its turn.

“Where the fuck is Mother Goose?”

“The bathroom-“

But she wasn’t at the bathroom. Unless Ms. Peterson took her large purse and computer along with her to the toilet, she probably wasn’t in there.

“Are we-“

“There has to be a key here.” Jason rummaged through the librarian’s desk. Every drawer he could forcefully pull out, he did.

You pulled out your phone, which was a dead 0%, the image of a drained-out battery staring back at you, and that’s when you started to feel the panic slowly rise. You rushed to the library’s telephone, but you couldn’t even hear a dial tone. The phone was off. Jason’s phone was probably just as dead.

You rushed to the lights to turn them on, but nothing happened.

_Fuck. Another blackout. FUCK._

“No key,” he rested his hands on the table. “Shit. _FUCK._ ”

You only stared at each other, feeling that panic start to settle in when you realized you were out of options.

“M-Maybe. Your dad will come pick us up?”

Jason shook his head. “The last time I ran away for the night, he said he wasn’t gonna go around Gotham to pick me up anymore.” He looked at you. “Your parents?”

“Said the exact same thing.”

Your back hit the wall, and you slid down with your head up in the ceiling. Both silent. None of you even said it out loud.

Jason looked like he wanted to scream.

—–

You laid on your back, flat against the table, with just your arm over your eyes to shield it from the light posts outside the window on the driveway. You tried to drown out Jason’s fiddling with his lock pick and the door handle. Two hours had passed, and you’d barely gone by the evening.

“That’s not gonna work.”

“You have a better option, Lydia Deetz?”

You clenched your jaw and sneered. “You’ve been at it for an hour.”

“I’m almost through this.” He kept with his pick, a hairpin he found on the ground which he spent another hour looking for. “Juuuust- THERE!”

You shot up from the table, feet landing enthusiastically onto the floor and you sprinted to Jason’s back. “Here’s to freedom.”

Too eagerly, he turned the handle and pulled the door with a victorious grin.

Only for his hand to jolt at another abrupt stop. The door wouldn’t budge, only peering open through an inch. The grin on his face was immediately lost, and he almost feel out of his feet when you violently pushed him away, pulling on the door yourself and failing.

You could see the deadbolt, but something outside was holding the double doors from opening, no matter which one you pulled on.

“That batshit crazy old witch,” you growled. “Fucking chain locked the door.”

A loud, frustrated groan from Jason as he threw the hairpin to the ground like he would’ve a knife. “ _WHO CHAIN LOCKS A LIBRARY?”’_

You walked away from the door, going back to the tables so you could bend over and stuff your face into your hands. Jason was even more of a mess.

Your dad started his first big fight with mom since he moved back in last night, just when you thought they’d finalized the divorce, he squirms back in. And your room was never far enough to drown out their screams.

That night you wished you were somewhere else. And you ended up somewhere even worse.

Jason was sitting on the floor, back flat against the wall, and his eyes were shut close while you laid back down on top of the table.

“I’m hungry.”

“The fuck you want me to do about that?” Jason kept his eyes shut.

“You got any food?”

“No.”

“Don’t you have something in your bag?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“You think you can stab me with those scissors? ‘Cuz I feel like choking on my own blood right now.”

You rolled over so you were laying on your stomach. Craning your head up to look at Jason, your chin resting on your fingers, you grinned. “I’d rather not spend the night being stuck with your rotting flesh. I’ll kill you in the morning.”

Jason screamed into his hands. “We are not gonna be stuck here until fucking morning.”

“Either you die tonight still in denial or we actually try to survive. Now do you have anything in your bag or what?”

He didn’t give in to picking out his bag without leaving you a dark glare. The sky was completely dark by now. And the only light source you had were three lamp posts outside the window. The power was still off, which meant it was going to be this dark the whole fucking night.

“Would you look at that?” He took out a small protein bar from his smaller pocket. “Forgot that was there.”

You jumped off the table again. “Great. I’m starving.”

You walked too fast to Jason, who immediately stood up and hold you by the shoulder, raising his hand away from your reach. “Ey. Mine. From my bag, remember?”

“I don’t have anything in mine!” you reached and tried to push him, but had no luck against his strength. “Come on!”

“I have way more body mass than you. I need this.”

You pursed your lips, glowering at him even when you knew he still wouldn’t budge. He kept pushing your shoulder from him until you backed away reluctantly.

“ _WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT?”_

You whined and grunted with your back hitting the wall. Jason stepped away facing you and opened the protein bar, took a large bite that left it with almost a third of the whole thing left.

“You know. That thing with the scissors stuck into your neck doesn’t seem like a bad idea anymore.” You grumbled.

Chewing profusely at the bar, he folded his one arm over his chest and smirked while watching you silently grovel in annoyance. You leaned on your side and made sure he wouldn’t hear your stomach starting to growl.

“Fine,” he groaned. “Here.”

A little over a quarter of the protein bar left. Jason handed it over to you and you gritted your teeth.

“There’s barely anything left, you bile-headed twat.”

“You want me to finish it?”

Snatching the bar away from him, you cursed under your breath right before you gobbled up what was left of the snack. It did little to nothing to make you feel less hungry, but at least you weren’t going to die.

“You’re welcome.”

You threw the wrapper onto the floor and went back to sitting on the table. “Got anymore bright ideas?”

“Maybe if you’d help, I’d actually be able to tolerate you.”

Jason walked over to the classics shelf, pulled out a book and did the same as you. He swung his legs over on top of the table across you, bringing his knees up so he could rest his elbows on them. He then opened his book.

“You’re reading,” you bit your gums. “You’re actually reading at a time like this.”

“What else are we supposed to do in a fucking library?”

Your hands met the surface of the table behind you and you threw your head back. “We have at least until the power comes back on. _GOD_ , this place in insufferable.”

“Never mind the helping. You shutting up would be enough not to drive me insane.”

“And you’re less of an ass when you’re not a grouch, dickhead.”

“I’m ignoring you now.”

The vein on your forehead started to throb. You weren’t tired yet, and you wouldn’t be able to sleep at this hour even if you tried. You rolled around the table, desperate for any position that wouldn’t drive your limbs numb.

You jolted when you heard Jason curse.

“This fucking lamp post’s too dim. Can’t even see shit.”

He set the book aside, laid down on his back and watched the ceiling with you.

“How did we even get locked up?”

“Maybe if you didn’t keep me captive with that stupid clown project for three hours we wouldn’t be in the mess.”

“So it’s my fault now? You’re the one who fell asleep!”

“How could you have possibly missed the time? You know the library closes at five!”

“I didn’t fucking know that! I leave before that old witch does every time!”

“Just-.” Jason shut his eyes. “Can we stop screaming for ONE SECOND? Especially since we’re gonna stuck here the whole night?!”

The mocking noise you made was almost inhuman. Jason didn’t bother snarling back.

You saw a car pass by, the headlights shining through the window for the shortest moment. You kneeled on the table and waved your arms around.

“ _HEY. GET US OUT OF HERE!”_

The car kept moving, and the headlights passed through the whole of the window until it left. You slumped back to lay down and groaned. “Fuck everything.”

You grabbed your bag, rummaging through everything inside just to find anything to do or anything that could possibly help you. Nothing. Not even a fan to cool you off when you started to feel the temperature rise.

“Did you call the number I gave you?”

You licked your teeth. “I used the piece of paper you gave me as a bookmark.”

Jason lifted his arm off his head. “No shame in asking for help.”

“I told you, I’m not being fucking abused.” You started picking on the leather of your boots, tracing along the creases of where your toes folded. “I don’t know what the hell made you think I was.”

“It doesn’t have to be actual physical abuse,” he sat up on his elbows.

“You really wanna make us feel uncomfortable? Why do you come to school with bruises all the time?”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Then what is it?”

He cleared his throat. “I’m not gonna fucking tell you, Y/LN.”

“Fine. Then let’s not talk about this.”

You had that usual condescending tone, but you didn’t sound like you were on the verge of lashing out. You sounded like you were pleading, even. Jason bit his lower lip. “Okay. What do you wanna talk about? It’s too early to sleep.”

You brought your knees up to sit cross legged and you leaned in on your elbows.

“Wanna play a game?”

Jason drummed his fingers on the table and sighed. “What?”

You scooched closer to him and swung your legs over the edge of the table. He did the same and faced you. “Give me your hand.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Just give me your hand, Todd. Don’t be a pussy.”

“Don’t fucking call me that.”

“Then give me your hand.”

Jason snorted, leaning his elbow over his lap and giving his other hand over to you. You took it, smiling at him, then gripping firmly onto his wrist. “Make a fist.”

He fisted his hand and you could see a few veins pop out on his arm. You started rubbing the outside of his fingers. His eyes scrunched up, watching you. “Open your hand.”

He opened it, then you lightly slapped it with your own palm. “Fist,” you said again. He breathed and pulled it again to a fist. You repeated your first action with a growing smirk. “If I come out of this with one hand left-“

“Shut up. Open again.”

He opened his palm. And with a single finger, you tapped onto the center of his hand, then released your grip on his wrist.

Jason widened his eyes, amused. “It tingles.”

“I know right.” You folded your arms.

“Where’d you learn to do that?”

“That’s a secret.”

He then reached out his other hand to you. “Do it again.”

You laughed and snorted before grabbing his wrist, rubbed his fingers the same way you did the first time. Jason leaned over closer to look at your movements, and his nose was all scrunched up like it would when he was focused on a book. The corner of your mouth lifted, then you tapped his hand with your finger and let go.

“What sorcery is this?”

You shrugged, leaning back and folding your arms. “You have any tricks of your own?”

“Yes I do,” he said, swinging his legs over the edge of the table. “Hold out your hand.”

You did so without hesitation. Jason held your fist, then looked straight at you. “Pick a finger and don’t tell me what it is.”

“Okay?” Your ring finger. Easy enough.

“Look straight into my eyes. Don’t look down.”

You rolled your eyes slightly to the side, licking the inside of your teeth, then did as told.

He was looking straight at you, not even trying to blink. A smirk formed on his lips, and his eyes had that same flick of a glare, but there was a little shine on them from the dim lamp post. You shook your head while still maintaining eye contact and felt his other hand start toying with your fingers.

“It’s your ring finger.”

“Huh,” you shuffled closer to him. “Do it again. I wanna watch your hands.”

“No. You have to look straight at my eyes.”

“Fine. Just do it again. I’ll pay more attention.”

The corners of his eyes crinkled, and you both tried your best to hold back emerging bursts of laughter while he continued to toy with your fingers and trying not to blink.

“You’re not choosing a finger.” He said.

“Not true. You just suck.”

It was true. You forgot to choose a finger. The middle finger this time. You shifted your focus, but the way he’d try to hold back a laugh made you choke. “ _Stop laughing_.”

“ _I’m not.”_ He so was. You felt him touch your fingers, moving around them one by one. “You’re trying to look for movements.”

“Nope. It’s the middle finger.” He kept at it. Over and over, with you refusing to admit he read your mind.

His hands started feeling warmer each time. You didn’t know you noticed.

—–

A bustling, screeching noise of a cart being hauled around the room for the past ten minutes. You’ve been here for five hours. You were tired, starving, and sweating. You covered most of your face and ears with your hands, but the cart’s noises just kept going.

You shot up from the table. _“DUDE. STOP._ ”

You normally had more insults to scream at him, but at that point of the night, you were all out.

Jason kept going and ignored you. Starting from one end of the library, he pushed the handles of the empty cart, accelerating it with his feet. When he gained the momentum, he placed his feet on the metal and rode it across the room. “Real mature.”

“Don’t be an old hag.”

He accelerated again from the opposite end, then climbed on. Jason went faster this time and just narrowly missed a shelf.

“There’s another cart right there if you have the balls to join me.”

You placed your weight on your arm, watching Jason sprint from one end of the room to the next. With a loud grunt, knowing you wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway, you jumped off the table.

You emptied the cart from the remaining books and pushed it to Jason’s side, who waited for you just by the shelves. “Jump when it speeds up.”

“I know what to do.”

He laughed. “Race you to the other side.”

You gripped on the handle firmly, watching the end of the room, the one lined with heavy bookshelves, and readied yourself. “ _GO.”_

You sprinted the two carts and grabbed on with your life as you sped down the large enough room, feeling the air slightly cooler when it was rushing past your skin and hair. You laughed playfully, stopping just before you hit the shelf. “I win.”

“Are you kidding me? I was waiting for you.”

“One more lap.”

“You’re on.”

Again, you sped past the room. You held onto one side of the handle too hard and accidentally hit Jason’s cart, both of you almost tumbling to the ground. “I call foul!”

“It was an accident!” you laughed, then took the cart again to finish the lap. He caught up with you and you no longer stopped in between, continuously sprinting and jumping onto the metal all across the room. You rode past the shelves, the narrow aisles, narrowly missing the books. You almost hit the tables with the carts and you definitely hit the wall too hard when you stopped too late. Jason was trailing right beside you, then he went about his own route.

That’s when he purposefully hit the front your cart with your own, throwing you off on the ground. “ _FUCK_ ”

He laughed too hard. “Come on. I have another game.”

Holding his hand out to you, you grabbed on and he pulled you up to your feet. You stood close to him, both of you still laughing. And you were staring too long at his face being close to yours. You pulled away from his lingering grip, looking at the ground.

Setting his own cart aside, he pulled on yours, settling it between the aisle of the shelves. It went straight through the longest path down the room, and you’d have to be lucky to miss the shelves. “Hop on.”

“Todd, if you throw me out the window-“

“Come on. Don’t be a pussy.”

You felt the rush, and you liked how free you felt rushing through the air. You climbed into the cart, grabbing hold of the edges and focused on the end of the room.

Jason leaned in to your ear. “Don’t scream.”

“ _JASON_.”

He was incredibly strong, pushing you in the cart like you weighed nothing and sped through the room faster than he previously had. The cart was growling and was so ready to break apart, but you never felt that kind of thrill since you last rode a coaster. You definitely screamed, a high-pitched shriek you know Jason must never mention to anyone, ever. But you were also laughing your stomach out when Jason turned you around, sped to the other end again. And this time, his feet jumping onto the cart.

You threw your head back, laughing, then you caught a glimpse of his face flashing the brightest smile you’ve ever seen on him.

Your laughter came to an abrupt stop when he stopped the cart too late and crashed against the shelf. You both stood still, watching it toppling like an unsteady jenga tower.

Holding your breath, you heard books fall to the floor, then the shaking mellowed down and you released your breaths when it finally stopped. Turning to Jason and falling into the cart laughing, you clutched at your stomach. “ _JESUS CHRIST_.”

“Not funny!” he cried out, but even he was stifling a laugh. He walked over to the front and placed the books into the cart with you. Some fell on your lap, and you took the books from him and placed them to your side.

“At least we have _something_ to do now.”

“Yeah. Especially since you put these books in the wrong shelf. These belong over there.” He pointed to a shelf nearby.

“Let’s fix it then,” you said, still not moving from the cart. He placed all the books from the floor onto you and moved the cart to the corner.

“You’re heavy.”

“Shut up. From now on, we shelf books this way.” You took a book from your lap and gave it to him, who placed the book in its right place.

“Top shelf,” you smirked.

“I know where to put them.” He took it from your hand and shoved it in place. You didn’t have many books to begin with, but even after that, he continued to push the cart, with you still hitching a ride, and you walked around the library to just look at all the books.

“Everything’s in the right section.”

“Because of me. You made a shit ton of mistakes.”

You threw your head back, looking at him. And from that angle you could see his glare turn into a smile. You leaned against the back of the cart, your head lightly touching his arm.

When you’ve managed to tour the whole library, you sat up.

“You’re turn. Get in here.”

Jason wanted to laugh at that. “You’d never be able to lift me.”

“Watch me try.”

You hopped off the cart, pushing him aside from the handle. He shook his head, but eventually climbed on like you had. He was bigger than you, so he looked a lot more uncomfortable with his knees folded way up and his arms barely fitting inside the cart.

He was _really_ heavy. But you managed. Pushing the cart slowly at first, Jason leaned in to the left side to steer you off. “Jason!”

“I see stray books. Go over there.”

You pushed the cart with whatever might you had. When you reached the desk, Jason took the books you previously set aside and placed them on his lap. “Braille,” he said. “These go all the way to the back.”

“I can handle this. I’m a big girl.”

You pushed the cart, eventually gaining speed, but it wasn’t nearly as fast as when he’d pushed you around. You reached the far back, with two sharp turns that nearly killed your back, then stopped with a loud breath.

“You’re right. We should do this more often.”

You were panting by that time, and Jason handed you the books to place on the shelf. “Chop chop.”

—–

Two fucking am. The power was still out. Jason was definitely going to call the electricity company when you both get out of here. You were sat cross legged on one side of the long, narrow table, fiddling with your sleeves since you couldn’t sleep. He was laying on the same table but facing the opposite way, closing his eyes and feeling the beginnings of light slumber. His back was going to kill him eventually, but when the rush from that cart fiasco died down, he was so awfully tired.

Jason laid his head on his arm, closing his eyes as tightly as he could.

Then a warm, soothing melody started to buzz through his ears, a tune he’s never quite heard of before. His eyelids suddenly grew softer, feeling the humming song vibrate through him.

 _Where was it coming from_?

He slowly opened his eyes, trying to find the source. Jason craned his head up to you, with your back turned to him, and realized you were the one humming.

You turned to him, and he went back to closing his eyes, pretending to sleep. “Jason?” you lightly asked, not enough to wake him if he was actually asleep. You turned your back around and crouched over to relax.

He wasn’t sleeping anymore, but he kept closing his eyes. A little while later, with you thinking he wasn’t conscious, he heard you actually start to sing.

_You got a fast car_

_I want a ticket to anywhere_

_Maybe we make a deal_

_Maybe together we can get somewhere_

_Anyplace is better_

_Starting from zero got nothing to lose_

_Maybe we’ll make something_

_Me, myself I got nothing to prove_

Then you paused. Your voice was so soft and light, he never would’ve have heard it if there was anyone else in the room or if he wasn’t awake. You never would’ve sung if you knew he was, though.

You had the most beautiful voice he’s ever heard in his life.

_You got a fast car_

_I got a plan to get us out of here_

_I been working at the convenience store_

_Managed to save just a little bit of money_

_Won’t have to drive too far_

_Just ‘cross the border and into the city_

_You and I can both get jobs_

_And finally see what it means to be living_

Your voice was low, a beautiful, vibrating low. An alto. And there was that deep, breathy growl when you reached the lower notes with ease. A light vibrato at the end of the vowels, and there was that drowsy, slow feel to it that just made it seem like you didn’t make that much effort at all. At some points, you whispered the words, like your everyday screaming never affected your vocal chords at all.

There was a tug at his chest, his face started to burn up. He was wide awake by now, and there was that thudding within him that was too hard to ignore. And it worsened each time you breathed out the end of the verses.

You managed to finish the song, and by then, he was a mess.

You didn’t sing anything more, no matter how much he wished you would. He ended up fighting his tiredness, just in case he’d miss another song.

But right before he drifted to sleep, he realized he’d been smiling his cheeks off.

—–

Twelve hours.

You were stuck in the library.

For twelve fucking hours.

Both of you shot up from the table the moment you heard the chains outside the door clink to the ground. You and Jason raced out the door, and before the security guard could totally open it, you violently pushed it aside and raced out into the wide-open space of the driveway outside the gates. The poor guard looked puzzlingly at you. But since he was too old to care or even ask about what happened, he shrugged it off.

The cool air felt heavenly against your skin, and the bright sun, smiling back at you against your face. You spread your arms out and took in the breeze as much as you could. Jason was fanning himself with the collar of his shirt, raising his arms up the same way you were. “AHHHHH.” He screamed. And you did the same. The frustration went out the window as fast as you’d ran.

“ _FUCKING FINALLY.”_

_“THAT IS NEVER HAPPENING AGAIN.”_

_“NEVER.”_

You faced the sky, still taking the deep, fresh intakes of air. Jason placed his hands on his hips and ruffled his sweat covered hair.

“Don’t tell anyone about this.”

“Agreed,” you said. “Not even Ms. Peterson.”

“Not a single soul.”

You both faced each other, raising your brows, no longer from a glare or out of annoyance. Your body felt light. Your chest felt lighter. You were smiling.

“I’ll see you on Monday.”

“Kudos to us for surviving.”

A high five. And you both laughed, still feeling that flush of relief flow throughout your limbs. No one was in school yet. It was Saturday, though. No one but a few of the faculty members were going to show up.

But the sky looked pink, mixed with a bright yellowish orange. The driveway never looked so clean, and the breeze was so wonderfully cold, with the autumn leaves still floating on the grass and the roads, you just felt happy. Your lingering gaze on Jason helped with that bright smile.

As if twelve hours in the library was nothing. As if it wasn’t torture at all.

As if it was, in fact, the most fun you’ve had in a single night in a long, long time.

“Walk safe.”

“Bye, Todd.”

Walking towards opposite ends of the sidewalk, hands on your sides and not in your pockets like you usually would. You couldn’t stop grinning.

Sparing one last glance behind you, seeing him get on his motorcycle, you turned to the corner of the street.


	4. Mop Water

Jason used to dread hearing you scream, needlessly at either him or some unsuspecting person who got too much in your way.

He used to hate the sound of your voice. You were nice to look at, sure. But the moment you spoke? It was like driving the tips of cleaver knives down his ear drums and would go all the way through his head and neck. That shrill screaming at the back of your throat, mixed with the horrible things you said would’ve driven him insane if he didn’t manage to shut you up every so often. It helps not to be so afraid of you. He was the few people who’s actually had the last word in an argument against Y/N.

But now?

_But now?_

Every word you said, no matter what it was, no matter how insulting or offensive or unnecessary or condescending,

It was like the firmest, knowing fingers tapping lightly into piano keys, each one a step into making a low, steady melody. A remnant of when you sang. Sometimes, at the end of your sentences, he could pick out the notes and he’d pretend you were singing them.

At times, Jason would get lucky and catch you humming. He’d know the songs. But even when he didn’t, he’d stay back and listen. He’d stop everything he was doing just to hear you. Another two weeks had passed since that incident in the library, and since then, the sound of your voice, it had never been the same.

He still couldn’t stand you sometimes. You were a pain no matter what. But it was less often at that point. Your voice made up for it.

Like now, when he was sitting across you on the table. Ms. Peterson asked you both to write the return dates of the books in the cart on a notebook. You worked separately, both of you wearing earphones to drown out anyone who might come to you and ask for directions. It was his idea. He told you listening to music while working would help him focus and that you should do the same.

Paperwork was a bore. And the old woman who refused to use her computer for anything else other than solitaire demanded you wrote them down in notebooks. His wrist was going to hurt in just a few more minutes, and usually, by this time, you’d be complaining nonstop.

But you weren’t. You were silent that day, like the work you were doing actually interested you instead of the usual repulsion. Your hand was gripping tightly onto your pen and your handwriting didn’t look like it was rushed or bothered. Your eyes looked focused, and you had that look on your face when you were mostly relaxed but your mind kept hold onto whatever was in front of you. The same look when you were reading, or when you used the time you had in the library to study for an upcoming test.

Jason looked up from his notebook and momentarily stopped his hand. His eyes relaxed onto you, watching your eyes following your hand on the paper, with your other hand on the book to hold the cover open. Your hair was tied lightly behind your back, and you didn’t take a minute to take notice of him. The song he was listening, it was soft and mellow. It matched the calmness that traced your face. Your mouth started to move, little movements, every so often.

His little plan worked, getting you to listen to music while you wrote. Then you wouldn’t have enough consciousness to notice you were moving your lips to the song. Moving so silently, a stealthy flick of his fingers, Jason took out his phone, the new one that Bruce got him just because his old one had become far too insufferable to use, and paused his music.

You really didn’t notice. But he listened to you intently, pretending to listen to his own music when he was leaning in to hear the lightness of your voice. Humming, softly, and a bit of your actual voice peering out your closed lips. He knew that song. Video Games by Lana del Ray. He noticed you listened to her albums, especially since you had a similar voice as hers. You sung a few of the words in the chorus, then went back to humming. No one else would’ve heard it, and you most probably thought no one heard you, too. The closest one to you was Jason, and he was still listening to his own music. Or so you thought.

Jason didn’t bother holding back a smile, and he looked like an idiot grinning while writing into the notebook, looking at boring covers and taking down the dates. This was the most he’s heard you since sing since that night, and you weren’t even fully singing. Your beautiful voice managed to peek through, still. And he felt something in him lighten, fluttering, the heaviness in his chest thrown out the window almost instantaneously. You had the voice that would lull him to sleep, or the kind he’d listen to when he needed something to rid his mind of a violent cyclone. It didn’t show through much in your momentous hums. But that night, there was a deep soul in your voice. A soul in you. A soul no one would immediately see.

He looked up again to watch your lips move, quirking the corner of his own mouth up. You looked a bit sad, though. And tired. Maybe that was why you weren’t so angry today. He’d taken advantage of the moment too much and you looked up at him, your eyebrow raised. He managed to look busy at just the right time before you’d question him.

Another half hour passed and neither of you moved. Jason didn’t bother turning his music back up again. You might suddenly sing and he wouldn’t get to hear it.

Clicking the pen and leaning back against the chair, he stretched out his limbs. You closed your own notebook and flexed your fingers from an eventual ache.

“Finally.”

“Elphaba over there probably just wants to give us something to do,” you scoffed. Even your sigh sounded sad.

Jason leaned into the table, while you placed your head on your closed fist to rest your eyes. He looked at Ms. Peterson look silently amused at her computer screen. More solitaire most probably, or whatever game that was on a Windows 7 laptop. She looked up from her desk, eyeing the students at a far away table and shushed them from an elevating conversation.

He suddenly had an idea.

“Y/N.”

“What?” you said in annoyance, keeping your eyes closed.

“Wanna have some fun?”

You looked at him. “How?”

Jason leaned in closer to your face. You never wore cologne, but he could smell your hair. It was lemony sweet. “Get old timer there out of her desk. Just distract her for a few minutes.”

“And what are you gonna do?”

“You’ll see.” He winked. It made you smile a little with your eyebrow raised the way it usually. Sparing no time, Jason stood up from his chair and walked over to the carts beside Ms. Peterson’s desk, pretending to busy himself with the pile of books. Looking to you, you stood up and walked over to Ms. Peterson.

“Hey boss,” you said with the lightest voice you could. She picked up on your fake cheer.

“What do you want now?”

“I’m not here to complain, if that’s what you think.” Your voice went back to normal. “I saw a few kids at the back vaping between in the sciences section.”

Ms. Peterson took out her glasses and covered her wrinkly face with her palm. “These fucking kids. Go tell them off.”

You shrugged. “They won't listen to me.”

She looked at you exactly how you thought she would, without an ounce of belief. And you wouldn’t blame her. Jason might have done a good job at arranging books but when it came to telling nosy kids off from messing around in the hidden shelves, you were just the girl for the job.

Ms. Peterson didn’t question you, though. Standing up and pushing her chair back, she walked out of her desk and you went with her, looking back to Jason with your side eye.

Jason quickly went over to her laptop, since Ms. Peterson didn’t have a phone, and went at it with her browser. Everything was loading awfully slow, but thankfully Bruce had told him a few things with quick hacking no matter the system he had to work with. His fingers moving fast, he looked up and saw you emerging from the shelves.

“I’m giving you three days-worth of notes to rewrite, girl.”

“Great. Maybe then you’d give us something necessary to do.”

The old woman pointed her finger at you. “Quit your fucking whining and get back to work.”

You squinted your eyes and mocked her expression, folding your arms. Jason had left the desk and was walking towards you, passing by Ms. Peterson.

“Come on.”

“What did you do?”

He was grinning from ear to ear, and there was a buzz in your skin when he suddenly rushed to the shelf, pulling on your elbow to hide you behind with him. You both peered through the empty spaces of the books and watched at Ms. Peterson took her seat, going back to her game.

“What is going on-“

“Shh.” He held you back. “Wait for it.”

_“YOOOOO I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT,  
SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT.  
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT,  
SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT.”_

Everyone’s backs shot up and everyone’s heads suddenly turned to the librarian’s desk.

Her laptop speakers, which were usually quieter than whispers, started to recklessly blare out ‘Wannabe’ from the Spice Girls, the walls almost vibrating at the intense volume all across the entire library. Ms. Peterson never looked so horrified in her life, pressing whatever button she can and looking hopelessly into whatever window was open in her tabs. Nothing made the song stop.

You and Jason burst out laughing behind the shelf, you lightly slapping his shoulder and even falling to the ground when you couldn’t take it anymore. Jason leaned against the shelf, holding onto his stomach, while his laughter filled the spaces between the words of the song. You leaned against the opposite shelf, watching him laugh along with you when you managed to open your eyes. Your stomach started to hurt.

You’ve probably never laughed so much in your life.

“Did you-“ he wheezed. “Did you see her face-“

“She looked MORTIFIED!” you laughed again, bending over your stomach to ease the pain. The song stopped and you’ve been laughing throughout the entire three minutes of the song. You simmered down, but your grins never left your faces and you laid against the shelf, still looking at Jason doing the same and calming himself with you.

Biting your lips, you waited for the inevitable.

“ _YOU TWO. GET OVER HERE.”_ Ms. Peterson stomped her foot and pointed at you both. Your smiles still hadn’t left even when the old woman had taken you to the Vice Principal’s office, with her ragefully explaining what had happened.

It was so worth it.

Vice Principal Watson looked like she had a storm of a headache, especially when she caught your eye and knew you hadn’t had a smidge of regret from what you’d just done. Jason stepped in eventually.

“It was my idea,” he said. And you looked at him rolling your eyes.

“But she was an accomplice,” the Vice Principal sighed and took out her phone. “I’m going to make some calls. Y/N. Jason. Wait outside.”

Ms. Peterson stared knives into your guts when she stormed out the room. You looked back with your shameful, mocking expression and Jason sat beside you in the waiting area.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” he said, though there was still remnants of his smile. “Dragged you into more trouble.”

“Are you kidding? That was one of the best things we’ve pulled out of the last four weeks!” You laid your head back and watched the ceiling. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.”

He bent over to rest his elbows on his knees. “I wonder what they’ll do to us now.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve done worse. They won't give you a suspension. Especially since, you know, you’ve got the highest GPA in practically the whole school. And what they won't do to you, they can't do to me. I should drag you into my troubles more often to cushion my punishments.”

He quired up an eyebrow and shamefully laughed, cheeks flushing. “I don’t have the highest GPA.”

“I think you do,” you said. “You know. For a dickhead.”

Jason rolled his eyes and looked the other way. Just a few minutes after, the Vice Principal called you back in.

“Well,” she let out a long sigh. “At least you two are getting along.”

You shrugged.

“I’ve made calls to your parents. And though Mr. Wayne was a bit more reluctant, telling me to let you both out by 6 pm instead of 7 since you, Jason, have something important to deal with for the night, I’m giving you both the task to mop up the gym floors.”

“Fuck,” you cursed.

Jason bit both his lips. They had that thing in Bludhaven to take care of with Dick for the night. He wasn’t even supposed to stay too late with library work anymore, since he was coming home even later than usual, delaying their patrols.

“Ms. Y/N, language. You’re both dismissed. Finish things up in the library until 4:30 then you’re both to be at the gym right after. The cleaning materials will be waiting for you by then.”

“Whatever.” Storming out the office with Jason following behind, you both made your way back to the library.

“Well. At least it wasn’t suspension.”

You didn’t look mad. “I don’t really care. I’m just happy I don’t have to go home so early.”

Jason studied your face. Your nostrils weren’t flared. You weren’t glaring at anything. Your eyes were focused forward and you didn’t look at anyone with any hostility. “You okay?”

Stepping into the library, with a cart full of books waiting for you by an angry librarian’s desk, Jason heard you sigh.

“My dad’s back,” you said. “Just when he’d left for a week. I thought that was for good.”

Jason took the cart, and you held onto the metal in front of it to lead the way. Instinctively, you stopped at a shelf and started to arrange the books, with Jason holding onto them to make space while you placed between the spaces. He could smell your hair again from here.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I’m so sick of walking to school, but _hey_. Anything’s better than listening to that asshat go on and on about how much I screwed up going home so late every time.”

He licked his lips. You sometimes had these episodes. And he learned it was better to just listen. You didn’t need to be told how to make yourself feel better. It was rare enough for you to actually talk about it at all. The best thing he could do was to keep his silence.

You both turned the cart over to the shelves deeper down the aisle. _That_ shelf. The shelf you knew what to expect with. There was a shelf where people tend to smoke in, a shelf where kids vaped on the floor, a shelf where people slept,

And a shelf where couples go to make out on. Or worse. _Do it._ Jason’s been scarred with his own past, but nothing’s worse than walking in on two people on the verge of _that._ You and Jason called that shelf the Boner Aisle. Coincidentally, the romance novels were being placed there.

And when you both turned the cart to the corner, you caught two kids heavily making out without even noticing you’d come.

_“HEY! DIPSHITS!”_

There it was. The shrill scream that made him flinch and shut his eyes just a bit.

“ _TAKE YOUR HORNY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE BEFORE I MAKE AN ORNAMENT OUT OF HIS DICK.”_

Jason was pursing his lips, not agreeing with her but not disagreeing either. He looked elsewhere at the shelves, avoiding eye contact with the poor couple staring horrified at you.

“ _NOW.”_

They scrambled out the aisle before you could say anything else. Your glare would’ve been enough to drive them out. Your eyes were so wideset that everyone who turned their heads at you immediately looked away before you’d see them.

“Well,” Jason pushed the cart into the aisle. “At least they’re gone.”

“This is the third fucking time I drove those humping chihuahuas out of here.”

“That was a different couple. Each time you scream at them they never actually come back.”

You clenched your jaw. “Good.” You went back to arranging and Jason just couldn’t help but pinch your chin. You scoffed at him, annoyed, but he saw that slight quirk up the corner of your mouth and that light roll of your eyes that had more amusement than actual annoyance.

There weren’t many books for you to arrange, and the last one left was another Braille book that was to be placed all the way up higher than the top most shelf against the wall.

“Dammit,” Jason stood on his tiptoes, reaching his arm all the way up and still couldn’t reach the top. You glanced at his stomach peeking under his shirt. “I can't reach it.”

“Should we get a chair or something?”

“Nah. I’ll give you a boost. Just put it up there.”

He had that devious little smirk. You looked at him, teeth gritting and your eyes squinting at his expression. “Excuse me?”

“Come on. I’ll lift you. I can take it.”

Scoffing, he gave you the book and walked over behind you. “ _TODD.”_

Not even giving you the time to react, he held onto your hips and lifted you off the ground so suddenly and swiftly, his hands gripping tightly onto you like you weighed half of what you actually are. You kicked your legs in the air, letting out a light, playful shriek mixed with laughter, then placed the book onto the top shelf with ease. His fingers lightly touched your skin when your sweater rode up, and it made you chuckle again.

Jason was smiling as well when he placed you back on the ground, his hands lingering on you for the shortest, needless while before pulling away. You turned around, arms crossed with your face muscles trying desperately not to make your grin so wide. But it failed. You smiled at him while lightly shaking your head, leaning your back against the shelf with Jason right in front of you.

“You think that’s funny?”

“It was hilarious,” his teeth showed and his cheeks started to hurt. It didn’t help with the hindrance of your own.

“Do that again, and I’ll skin your arms like a new phone’s plastic cover.”

“Oh,” he placed his hand on his chest. “I’m terrified.”

“You should be.”

He stepped closer. “Should I really?”

“Yeah.” Jason placed his hand right beside your face and stepped closer to you. You had that usual snarl at each other since the first day you met. But each day, smiles came along with them as well. “I’m still not afraid of you.”

“Don’t worry. It’ll come.”

He could _really_ smell your hair from here. Jason shamelessly neared his face to yours, glancing at your lips, catching your eyes glancing at his. “You done gawking?” you whispered.

“ _Cute._ ” He scrunched his nose, which made you smile again. It wasn’t awkward at all.

“You trying to intimidate me, Todd? ‘Cuz it’s not working.”

“I think it is.”

“No. I don’t feel intimidated at all,” you smirked, and he squinted at you playfully. You both stared at each other’s eyes, before you heard the worst possible voice you could, the only one that contest your scream.

_“IT’S 4:30, YOU BRATS. GET TO WORK.”_

Ms. Peterson held out two mops, with a bucket on wheels beside her.

Not long after you found yourselves holding old, greasy mops, swiping along the dirt floors of the gym basketball court.

“Well, this is exactly how I imagined I spend my Friday night.”

He was working with a few feet in front of you. Jason worked with the mop with more ease, since he was stronger. You had a bit more trouble, on the other hand.

“ _FUCK YOU, PETERSON,”_ you yelled at nothing.

Only one light above the gym floor was shining at you both, giving you a dim, orange ambiance to an already dark hall. Your back was certainly going to hurt after this.

“You’re swiping at the wrong direction, Todd.”

“No, you are.”

“Look,” you swiped the mop in a clean stroke up and down. “Like this. You’re cutting way too many corners.”

“I’m sorry if I’ve never in my life MOPPED A GYM.”

“Well,” you shrugged. “I’ve had this punishment before. So I’d listen to me if I were you.”

“Listening to you would be like signing my own death sentence.”

“Jackass. _DON’T MOP THERE.”_ You went over and held his mop. “ _YOU IDIOT.”_

He violently grunted. “This is worse than being stuck in a library with you all night.”

“ _BLAH BLAH WHINY ASS SHUT UP.”_

“ _GOD, YOU'RE-_ “

Jason made a gesture like he was going to choke you with his bare hands. You squished your face playfully. Four weeks with him, the arguments none stop, and it only came more naturally than it had the first time.

You were only a quarter down the court, and it was getting dark outside. “How many times have you mopped this gym?”

“Twice. Thrice, maybe,” you scaled the outside of the lines. “You’ve never done this before?”

“I’ve only been in trouble a couple of times.”

“From what? Fist fights?”

“Yeah,” he said. He wiped his sweaty forehead and black hair with the collar of his shirt and let it ride up his stomach. “This might have been the last straw before it actually starts to affect my grades. I’d never let that happen.”

You guffawed. “You're a nerd, you know that?”

“At least I’m not a regular at the Vice Principal’s office like you. What’d you do the last time they made you clean the gym?”

“Are you sure you wanna know?”

Jason looked at you take off your sweater, setting it on the railing beside you as you wiped off your own sweat. “Shoot.”

“I tore a guy’s book in half. With my scissors.”

“You fucking love those scissors, don’t you?” he didn’t sound surprised. You laughed and let your hair fall to your now bare shoulders. “Most of my offenses include them. They’re my weapon of choice,” you said. “Tell me about your fist fights.”

You were almost halfway done to the other end. “They were all with Brandon. I really fucking hate that guy.”

“What did he ever do to you, anyway?”

He looked up and around the gym. You were alone, he knew that, but he just wanted to make sure. “Swear you won't tell?”

“Who am I supposed to tell on, asshat?”

“Fine,” he rolled his eyes. “When I moved here two years ago, the coach wanted me on the team.”

“Oh my God,” your mouth dropped to the ground. “You're serious.”

“Fuck yeah I am,” he said, standing up and opening his arms wide. “You ever seen this bod?”

You let out a disgusted gag and rolled your eyes all over the ceiling, turning your head so he wouldn’t see the rest of your face. “Whatever.”

“Anyway. Brandon wanted to try out, too. But they could only have one more guy in. Coach signed me in first, but after talking to Bruce, I declined.”

“Why?”

He didn’t look up from his mop. “I have other things to focus on. I wasn’t exactly interested in the sport and Bruce didn’t want practices to interfere with the training I already have at home.”

“Training?”

_Shit. Was that too much information?_

“Uhm. Yeah. Bruce made me learn martial arts. I have an entire workout regimen at home and everything.”

You looked at him puzzled. But you bought it. Thankfully. “Brandon must’ve hated that.”

“Yeah. Coach wouldn’t let him hear the end of it. Said I would’ve done a better job at linebacking than he ever would. He took it personally, of course. Then he’d just come up to me randomly and scream shit into my ear.”

“Wow. I almost feel sorry for doing the same.”

He grinned. “He found out I used to be a street kid and that I dropped out at 5th grade. It’s all he ever talks about.”

You stopped with your mopping. This wasn’t exactly your forte. Talking and making people feel better? You’d do better if you stayed silent. Jason didn’t mind. He didn’t want you to say anything either. “Shit.”

“Whatever. Jokes on him.”

“He’s got a new nose and everything. Your training really paid off.”

Jason bowed proudly. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Don’t you even get used to it,” you sneered and pointed the end of the mop at him.

A quarter of the court left. You set the mop aside, leaning against the railing. Jason went out to buy water from the vending machine nearby, and you waited. He came back with a bottle in his hand. “They had one left.”

“You're kidding,” you snarled, leaning your head back. “I wanna drink.”

“Beg.” He held up the bottle from your reach, knowing full well you’d never win against that.

“Jason, I will drown you in your own piss.”

He clicked the bottle open and started to gulp down its contents. You reached up, pulling down his much larger arm that wouldn’t budge, but he kept on drinking and holding you by the shoulder so you couldn’t get near him. Screaming like a bird, you kicked his shin, which made him choke on his bottle and let you finally snatch it from his hands. More than half of it left.

“ _Thank you._ ” You sneered at him and started to drink.

He watched you, then, with you unsuspecting, he tipped the bottle over to let you choke on the pouring liquid. You spat out the water and dropped the almost empty bottle with your shirt drenched. “ _YOU FUCKER.”_

He was laughing uncontrollably and started backing away when you took your mop, pointing the wet side at him and started to chase him down the gym.

_“Y/N, DON’T YOU DARE.”_

_“I FUCKING WILL.”_

You held out the end of the mop at him, running down the floor which you’d just mopped no matter how heavy it was on your straining arms. He didn’t even run. Jason was sprinting backwards, making faces at you and you growled and chased him around.

You managed to tap the wet end of the mop on his hip. “ _HA.”_

_“THAT WAS DISGUSTING.”_

_“YOU DESERVE IT._ ”

You almost slipped from the wet floor, but managed to keep your balance. Jason laughed out loud and took it as a chance to grab the mop from your hand and throw it across the room. _“ASSHOLE._ ”

“ _TRY TO GET ME NOW_.”

He kept running around, and you helplessly trying to catch up to him with your legs weakening and your arms so worn out that it ached. But, fuck it all to hell, this was what made sticking around at school late in the afternoon so bearable. Jason’s hair bouncing, some sticking to his forehead, his eyes all crinkled up and your laughter filling the air, you kept running and chasing him around.

You held your arms open, and he did the same, he charged left, then right, with you watching his every move. Jason backed away and started running into the bleachers. You followed right behind him, screaming when your foot almost caught between the seats. He ran all the way up, and when you caught up, raced down by sliding down the railing. There was no way you could catch up.

You ran back to your discarded mop, feeling your hair stick to your skin and you practically swimming in your sweat, you charged back to him again with your mop. _“STOP WITH THE FUCKING MOP.”_

_“NO, I WON'T.”_

You chased him, and right when he reached the center of the court, he slipped onto the floor and landed on his ass.

You never laughed so hard in a single day. You stopped running, clutching at your stomach, trailing the mop behind you as you paced to Jason wriggling on the floor, groaning.

“You okay, dipshit?” you laughed.

Jason watched you cover your mouth as your screaming chuckles echoed around the court, seeing you distracted, with your weight leaning into the mop, he moved.

He swiped at your legs, careful not to let you hit your head as you fell, and grabbed the mop from your hands. You screamed indefinitely and he backed away, now with your mop in his hands to protect himself.

You felt pain surge up from your ass, but you brushed it off. Sitting up on your elbows, you cocked your jaw to the side with a fun smirk as you stared straight into Jason’s winning grin. “Terrible things are going to happen to you, Todd.”

“I’d run if I were you.”

Seeing the mop charge for your face, you scrambled off the floor and ran with whatever strength you had left in your limbs. You were sweating and panting off your breath, but you were still laughing so hard that it didn’t matter. Jason chased you around with the mop just like you did.

You were much slower than he is, and the tip of the mop was no joke when he constantly poked at your legs and even your arm. “ _GROSS_.”

_“TOLD YOU.”_

_“GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME.”_

He went on to pick on your arm, which was now drenched in disgusting mop water now and you could smell it. You wanted to barf, but you had to keep running. You almost slipped on the floor again and a loud, skidding sound filled the air.

You got his own mop that he’d set aside, and Jason finally stopped running. Both grinning from ear to ear, you pointed the end of your mop to him, and his to you. Silently, smiling, catching your breaths, you aimed at his arm but he was too quick to move.

Your eyes were even more piercing now that he’s seen you truly being happy.

You managed to hit his leg, drenching his pant leg. Jason squirmed in disgust, then took the end of your mop, pulling it from your hands and throwing it out into the ground. You screamed when he did that and ran for your life.

You went under the bleachers, ducking from the metal poles and beams with him trailing behind you. “ _YOU CAN'T RUN FROM ME.”_

_“YES I CAN.”_

You turned and hid underneath the dark shades where he couldn’t see you any longer. Jason stopped running, still standing underneath the bleachers, and held onto his mop like it was a weapon. “Where are you, you little shit?”

He stepped out of the bleachers, back out into the court. No movements, nothing he could visibly see.

Silence. Silence. Then his breathing started to slow.

“Y/N?”

Just as he called your name, something climbed onto his back and started pulling on his arms like a large, deranged animal. Jason cried out in surprise, but bent over so you were practically in the air, legs flailing about and your arms tearing at the air trying to get hold of his mop.

“AHHH!” You laughed into his ear, and he kept screaming and running around to get you off of him, but your hold was firm and strong, even with the position so awkward. He pushed the mop further away from his body where you couldn’t reach it. “ _GIVE ME THAT._ ”

“ _NOT A FUCKING CHANCE._ ”

You kept fidgeting on his back, your laughter never faltering, and his strength allowed him to carry you around even when you desperately tried for the mop. Suddenly, Jason threw the mop onto the floor, and you jumped off of him to run towards it.

But it was his turn to hit him from behind.

“ _JASON DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.”_

Grabbing your waist, he circled his muscled arms around you, keeping you from running away. Your laughter was through the roof. And his heart never beat so loudly. “ _JASON GET OFF. NO. NO. NO. JASON AAHHH!”_

He lifted you off the ground, your legs flying into the air and your arms struggling to get off his hold. Jason laughed into your ear and you wiggled within his hold, not even remotely having the chance to get off of him. He walked slowly to the center of the court, keeping you steady.

“ _JASON I WILL KILL YOU WHEN I GET OUT.”_

_“YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT.”_

_“PUT ME DOWN.”_

_“NO.”_

You swung your legs around, throwing your head back to rest it against Jason’s shoulder.

_“JASON I SWEAR YOU WON'T HAVE ARMS AFTER THIS.”_

_“BEG.”_

_“I’M NOT GONNA FUCKING BEG.”_

_“THEN I WON'T PUT YOU DOWN.”_

_“PLEASE PUT ME DOWN, YOU SON OF A BITCH._ ”

He did put you down, but kept his hold on you so tight, you still struggled to keep off his hold.

Jason found something better to listen to other than your singing, something you weren’t so ashamed to do and something he didn’t have to try so hard to get out. Something not everyone had the privilege to hear, either.

Your laughter.

\-----

6:05 pm. It was getting dark outside and the chill ran down your damp skin that smelled of dirt water. With you and Jason heading out the school gates, you put your sweater back on and headed for the sidewalk.

“See you on Monday.”

“You have three days to live,” you glanced back at him and gave your last smidge of laughter for the day. “Enjoy it while you can.”

He mocked your face and turned over to his motorcycle.

Jason couldn’t see the sun anymore, and the lamp posts were starting to light up. Further down, and the posts would stop.

You turned to the corner of the street and placed your hands firmly into your pockets. It was cold when your skin had just been violated by a mop. Your eyes were focused on the cemented sidewalk, and you started for the pedestrian lane. A few minutes and you’d reach the edge of the city, where you’d have to be even more careful at a time like this.

Looking straight forward, your attention was suddenly taken by a buzzing of a motorcycle engine and a boy with a snarky grin on his face.

“Hop on.”

“Leave me alone, Todd.”

“I’ll take you home.”

You kept walking, and his motorcycle followed your pace. “I’m walking.”

“Then I’ll just have to keep following you until you get home.”

“I don’t know what is up with you, dude.” You cocked your jaw at him, then you saw another helmet in his hand.

“Come on. It’s too late for you to walk home. You shouldn’t have to walk every day.”

You finally stopped, looking at both sides of the streets. Jason raised his helmet visor to look at you.

Your smile seemed sad. You weren’t mocking him. You weren’t about to insult him. You smiled, yet your eyes hang low.

Yet, he could see the sadness was just a bit less than it had been when the day started.

“Really?”

“Yes.” He handed you the helmet. “Come on.”

Hesitantly, knowing you weren’t the one to accept favors from just anybody, you gave in. You took the helmet from Jason’s hand and hopped on behind him.

“Hold on tight.”

You grabbed his waist, then he started speeding down the streets to where you usually trailed the sidewalks on foot. He snaked past cars, further down until you were both in the city, the sky dark and the city lights reflecting off your helmets. You leaned in towards him.

You. Of all people. You. The girl who once threw a knife at a classroom wall. The girl who stabbed her lab partner with a scalpel when he accidently spilled frog blood into her coat. The girl who’s made so many people cry, some had to go into therapy.

And you were holding him tight, leaning in to give him your trust.

He felt special. In his own twisted way, he did.

You eventually arrived home. Swinging your leg over the motorcycle, you gave him back the helmet.

“Thanks,” you coughed, scratching the back of your neck and bringing your hands in front of you.

Jason smiled at you, keeping silent as he watched you go up the stairs and into your apartment building. He caught you glancing back and he let the memory of your bright smile burn though his head on the way to the manor.

When he got home, still in a daze, Alfred took the liberty of washing his shirt immediately when he came in smelling like dirt water.

“Master Bruce isn’t happy with you being in so much trouble in school.”

“Tell him to chill. I’m fine.”

“You have twenty minutes to get ready, Master Jason. You leave for Bludhaven in a short while.”

Jason got to his room, and unlocked his new phone.

His heart halted when he saw an unknown number send him a text from ten minutes ago. Jumping into his bed, Jason opened the message.

‘ _I smell like shit. Thanks a lot, jackass.’_

Only you would say something like that after he just saved you thirty minutes of walking home in the cold dark. After all this time, you saved his number after he gave it to you three weeks ago.

_‘You’re welcome. It suits you.’_

He saved your number with a devil emoji beside your name.


	5. Urban Explorers

**_Jason_ ** _: ‘don’t do it.’_

Jerry the science teacher was starting to catch on to him with Jason’s eyes darting to his crotch for no reason and his hand under the desk, but Jason managed to fool him by pulling out his notebook right where his phone was and pretended to take notes with his free hand. It was getting harder to hide it though, especially when he’d crack into a wide grin in the middle of a boring discussion all of a sudden. He looked like an idiot.

**_Y/N_ ** _: ‘I’ll fucking do it.’_

**_Jason_ ** _: ‘she’ss a teaacher.’_

**_Y/N_ ** _: ‘that hasn’t stopped me before.’_

Jason was writing scribbles onto his notebook at that point, lingering his eyes on the teacher for as long as he could while his other hand blindly texted barely readable typos. How were you able to text so well?

You sent another text before he could respond. _‘I’m totally doing it.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I’m sure she wasd looookin behind yuu’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘no. she was definitely looking at me. Who else would she look at when she’s talking about baby murderers.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘oh.’_

Jason really wanted to laugh now. He double texted.

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I get it now.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘im not a fucking serial killer.’_

Three dots floating in a bubble followed after.

 ** _Y/N:_** ‘ _yet.’_

Jason kept his eyes on the board. Thankfully, this was chemistry. Bruce taught him more about that subject than Jerry ever will. He didn’t need to listen.

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘it’s just her divorce.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘you have got to stop asking facultyyyt memberd how their divorce is going.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘why not’_

Jerry definitely caught him by now. His glances at him included unbothered shakings of his head and flattened lips. But he didn’t say anything and went on with the discussion. He probably didn’t bother. Jason would end up with the highest test score no matter what he was doing in his desk. And the man had large bags under his eyes that screamed ‘I really don’t give a fuck about any of you’ to his students.

**_Jason:_ ** _‘you’re worse than a serial killer.’_

**_You:_ ** _‘Im no Amelia Dyer.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘remind me to look her up.’_

**_You:_ ** _‘she killed 400 babies and had a infant farm for 20 years before she got caught.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘sounds like something you’d do’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘I don’t kill babies. I just scare them.’_

**_Jason_ ** _: ‘that’s the first step right there.’_

You sent a middle finger and it made him silently cackle. Somehow, your sense of humor through came off a lot less dark, maybe because you didn’t sound like you were serious, when in actuality, you probably were. It didn’t matter though. He was smiling like a crazy person in the middle of a discussion about balancing equations.

Jason placed his phone back into his pocket and waited for the bell to ring so he could go meet you at the library for the fifth week since you started. You were halfway through your sentence. He never thought he’d get there. Somehow, he wasn’t exactly looking forward to the end of it as he thought he would.

Just yesterday, he told himself it was wrong to enjoy watching you scream at the stoners hiding behind the encyclopedia sections knowing no one would go in there at all. You were, quite literally, kicking them out of the library while Ms. Peterson backed you up like a shrieking duo. One of them cried while you charged at him, looking like you were about to tear his hair out and you threatening to stick his blunt up his earhole.

It went from something so obnoxious to something so amusing to watch. Perhaps the wrong was in him.

Jason listened to the teacher for the last ten minutes of the class, then the bell rung and everyone started for the exit. He picked up his bag, then took out his phone to tell you he was on his way.

“Texting in class now, Todd?”

He wanted to throw his bag, or anything he had on his hands really, to that source of that voice. Brandon. Fucking Brandon. With his still throbbing new nose and football varsity jacket over his shoulders that made him look even more loathsome than he already does. He came up to Jason and stood him off.

“Every single day for the past week, you text in class.” Brandon brought his leg up to rest on a chair beside Jason. “What? You think you’re so much smarter than everyone now?”

“I’m smarter than you, that’s for sure. But that’s not really much to brag about.”

“I can tell on you, you know. How’d your GPA like that?”

“Didn’t know you were a dirty snitch, Brandon.”

“Who you texting?” he raised his arms up to intimidate him. “That psycho bitch you hang out with all the time?”

Bruce told him to keep his rage in check even more so in class than he barely does in patrols, but at that moment, in a dizzying blur, Jason skillfully pushed Brandon against the wall and pulled his fist behind him without much care for the onlooking crowd.

“Want a new nose again, jackass?”

“Fuck you-“

“ _ALRIGHT, ENOUGH_. _STEP AWAY FROM HIS NOSE._ ”

Jerry. Poor Jerry. The tired teacher grabbed onto Jason’s shoulder and pulled him away from the linebacker. Jason backed down, lowering his arm, then kept his glare on him while he puffed up his jacket.

“Both of you. Get out of here. Todd, you don’t want me to send you to the VP’s office again before I call your father. Everyone walk away. Yes, everyone. Walk on. Get on with your business.”

He kept his head craned down while Jerry screamed at anyone sparing him a look. Jason shoved his bag over his back and stormed out of the room. Slamming the door, he walked to the library and found an empty table waiting for him with a cart full of books at the side. Ms. Peterson had her hand on her hip, snarling at him when he took the seat. “Get to these by today, boy.”

He ignored her and sat down, leaning forward to take yet another nap with his arms folded under his head.

All it takes is one triggering moment. One thug to taunt him. One word from the Joker. One lecture from Bruce. One threat to his humanity. And now his head’s all boiled up and all he wanted to do was block out the rest of the world and take a nap. And even then, he knew he wouldn’t wake up feeling any better.

“Jason,” Bruce told him a five weeks ago, the first day of his library sentence. “Anything going on in school you should tell me about?”

“Nothing. What makes you think that?”

“You caused trouble,” he said. “You picked a fight.”

“I’m fine. I’m not letting it affect my grades.”

“This isn’t about your grades. You can't let your business from the field affect you and hurt innocent people.”

“I’m not-“

“The next time the principal calls me with you starting another fight-“

“You’ll what? Take away my phone privileges?”

“I’m taking away your suit.”

He stormed out of that room before he could say anything more. Bruce never brought it up again, but Jason knew he was going to keep his word no matter what.

Jason didn’t even notice when you took the seat across of him with that prolonged, annoyed grunt that most often came with an eye roll. You placed your bag to your side and poked at his arm.

“Ey. You gotta help me with this.”

He didn’t look up when you pulled out your notes and your textbook. “ _WAKE UP.”_

You repeatedly patted his shoulder until he let out a large enough grunt to make him crane his head up, eye squinting at you and his black hair covering his eyes. He really needed a haircut.

“What do you want now?”

“You weren’t this grumpy this morning.” You smirked. “I have to make a lit paper.”

“Why can't you do it yourself?”

“’Cuz you're the expert here. And I need that A.”

He buried his face back into his arms. “I’m not in the mood, Y/N.”

“Come on,” you said. Your voice prolonged the last syllable and you started to sound more annoying. “Don’t be a baby.”

“Just do it and ask me questions or some shit.”

“But I need your help-“

“And by the end of this, we’re at each other’s throats. I really don’t have the time for that now.”

You backed up, scoffing. “’Cuz you have something so much better to do?”

“Yeah,” he snarled. “Like taking a nap.”

He didn’t even glance at you taken aback and ignored you cursing under your breath. “Fine. Eat a dick, asshole.”

You took your stuff and drowned them into your bag, shuffling out of the table. A girl came up to you with a voice lower than a whistle. “Uhm, excuse me-“

“ _NO!”_ you screeched, then headed for the next table before she could ask anything more. The poor girl was trembling on her knees by the time you found an empty seat and pour out everything in your bag. His head was a mess, and the silence was the first step to actually making him clear his grime-covered mind. Jason kept shutting his eyes closed and focused on the blunt colors that appeared before his eyes in the shape of spirals.

For half an hour, he kept at his nap, falling asleep for a good ten minutes before he awoke to the sound of your screaming at a guy too stupid to ask you if the seat next to you was free while you were fumbling with your assignment. Jason groaned into his arm, feeling his head swell and ache and already knowing Bruce was waiting for him at home with yet another long, agonizing lecture on picking fights he never wanted in the first place. His eyes started to hurt from the force he used to shut them close, and everything in his mind was as hot as fire.

Leaning back against the chair, he knew this was going to bite him in the ass, sooner or later.

And one of the very very very few reasons he got to smile or even laugh all day was now violently taking notes while reading a book with the most fed up, furious expression on her face. He pulled out his bag, taking a water bottle and finishing its contents down his throat before he shot up and pushed his chair back.

Jason stood in front of your desk, his hand on the back of the chair across of you and waited for you to take notice of him. Your glare was terrifying. And it actually made him want to step back for once. But he stood his ground and sighed. “Can I help?”

“Get out of here.”

“I can help you.”

“I don’t need an asswipe telling me off.”

He took the chair despite you and you stared at your notebook, still with your eyebrows arched way up.

“Sorry.”

You ignored him and kept with your notes. He peered over, his elbows on the table, and you practically hissed at him when he got too close. Raising his hands up to surrender, he snarled at him before you continued your work.

“How many of reports have you done so far?”

You didn’t look like you were going to respond, and you kept writing like he wasn’t there in front of you at all. Jason couldn’t help but smile seeing you so angry and focused, knowing you were trying your best to block him out and failing miserably when he could see your eyebrow twitch and your eyes darting at him every few seconds.

Squirming his hand to you, his finger tugged on your gray sweater and scratched you like you had an itch. You pursed your lips and pulled your fist out so you looked like you were about to punch him, but he playfully held your hand and backed off. That was when he was fully smiling by now. He could block out all other thoughts easily when it was so fun to bug you.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and you finally looked up to his eyes. “Come on. Let me help.”

You licked the outside of your teeth and let out a long sigh that came with your usual grunt. Knowing you’d hate and love it at the same time, he ruffled your hair and you charged at him, almost stabbing him with your pen.

You finally managed to smile, then you gave in and handed him your notebook.

“The Fall of the House of Usher by Edgar Allan Poe,” you said. “What do you think?”

He leaned over the table, glancing at you, then taking the time to read your notes on what you understood from the passage. “This is good.”

“I’ve read the whole book like ten times by now.”

That made his chest feel just a bit warmer. “Really?”

“Yeah,” you took out the collection book he gave you. “Ms. Peterson has no idea. I’m supposed to have four weeks-worth of penalties because of this.”

Knowing he gave you something, and you happened to like it so much that you wanted it to be your report for literature class, and with you writing a decent paper about it, with you reading it over and over, it instantly became one of the things he won't easily forget.

He never grinned so much in a while, probably since a week ago in the gym. Jason watched you take back your notebook, continuing to write as he gazed too long at your parted lips. Feeling his flesh burn, he looked away.

“I won't bite you if you change anything, you know.” you said, your eyes keeping on your notes. “Go nuts.”

You tore off the page and handed it over to Jason, then you gave him a pen. Smiling at you, he took it, then started to circling words he thought you should change and other ideas he had of his own. A moment of silence, you didn’t scream anything at him when you he gave you the corrections. You graciously nodded, then started rewriting them onto a separate page. Your hair was falling to your cheeks, and it touched your skin so delicately and soft. Pretty.

_So pretty._

He was gawking. He was so gawking. You’ll never let him hear the end of it. He shook his head and pretended he wasn’t just resting his chin on his hand like a teenage girl.

The thought of you reading Poe’s works still hadn’t left his mind. It wasn’t even a complete collection. There were so many more stories out there, most just on the internet. Maybe tonight, he could send some to you and you might enjoy them, too.

Or, maybe not. Patrol. Bruce has been telling him not to text so much while he was out supposedly beating criminals. But he couldn’t help it.

There was just something about making you happy, or even just smile or let out a bit of a laugh that made him feel a whip of a breezy rush. You were often sad when you were alone, and whatever you felt at school, it was so much worse at home. Everyday, you told him bits more of how it was like with your parents.

He saw so much of himself in you. You were eerily similar. Too similar. The hidden rage, the angst kept within. Maybe that was why he liked making you laugh so much.

“So what story did you like most?”

You grinned. “I’m not entirely sure. The Black Cat’s definitely up there. I don’t know. I really like all of them.”

“I’ve read that. The Black Cat,” he said, leaning back. “What makes you like it so much?”

“I like the idea of a cat being the whole reason his life goes downhill, kills his wife, and eventually gets caught. Like his whole life was being dictated by his pet.”

“That’s dark.”

“I know,” you smirked. “That’s why I like it so much.”

He had his arms crossed over on the table to cover his chest. “You becoming a serial killer seems more possible now.”

“Fuck you,” you said, sticking your tongue out. 

It was almost 4:30. He didn’t even notice the clock. You and Jason had the most civil conversation, not an insult or a mean comment on anything other than a playful back and forth. You closed your notes, then your book, then you stretched out your arms.

“Ms. Peterson’s gonna be pissed. We haven’t done any work today _at all._ ”

“Just put the cart behind that shelf over there. We’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

He laughed, and you went with him as he stood up and did exactly so. “I can take you home today. But we have to leave now. Bruce wants me to go with him on this… thing.”

“Nah.” You pulled on your sweater as you headed out the door. “I’ll stay behind. Dad’s usually awake at this time. He won't be asleep until like, an hour from now.”

Jason respectfully understood, and you watched him as he walked out through the halls, turning at the corner.

He pulled out his phone. There was a text from Bruce.

_‘You coming tonight?’_

He didn’t bother to respond when he was already on his way home. Yesterday, Penguin and Two Face both had their own bank robberies at opposite ends of town. He repeatedly told Bruce he could handle Cobblepot on his own, but he refused and demanded he go with him while they take them out one by one.

Jason was reluctant of course, and it wasn’t like he had a choice. But he did a great job at finishing off Two Face’s crew that it didn’t take long for them to go all the way to the other bank and catch Penguin before they even got to half the bank’s vaults. Bruce told him he had the option to go with him to patrol tonight or not, but if he were, he had to come home early and not laze around in school like he often did.

Tonight, he chose to go to patrol. He thought he needed an outlet and imagine Brandon’s face on the heads of drug dealers. The thought alone made him grin.

Jason walked out the exit and reached for his keys.

Except he totally forgot he wasn’t even wearing his bag until he’d walked to his motorcycle. Groaning as he walked back into the school’s entrance, he sprinted for the library, catching the door open just as Ms. Peterson was about to walk out with a deathly glare on her face at him. Jason ran for his bag, took it, then gave Ms. P a fun little hug before walking back out.

He took out his phone, expecting a text from you, but there was nothing. So he asked you where you were before heading back out.

Out into the now empty halls, Jason walked pass the lockers, the dark classrooms, the one bright light at the center, he kept his hands in his pockets and sighed.

Piano keys.

_Piano keys?_

Playing. Simple chords played out but had a familiar tune he couldn’t get out from the back of his mind.

And singing.

A voice he’s only heard so often, yet he could pick out from a million others.

The music room was one he didn’t go in too often, but the sound came from there. The door wasn’t closed, and slowly, he peered it open.

A beam so little from the window, yet he could see how your back was so straight up, how your lean fingers rested gracefully onto the keys, playing the chords in perfectly strewn out notes that he could just tell you’ve been at this for quite some time. From an angle slightly to the left, you couldn’t see him, but he could see a bit of your face, the side of it, how your eyelids looked closed looking down at your own fingers.

Then you sang.

_I've seen the world, done it all_

_Had my cake now_

_Diamonds, brilliant, in Bel-Air now_

_Hot summer nights, mid July_

_When you and I were forever wild_

_The crazy days, city lights_

_The way you'd play with me like a child_

_Will you still love me_

_When I'm no longer young and beautiful?_

_Will you still love me_

_When I've got nothing but my aching soul?_

_I know you will, I know you will_

_I know that you will_

_Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?_

You…

_You…_

Yeah.

You were beautiful.

So beautiful…

_Will you still love me_

_When I'm no longer young and beautiful?_

You just… kept going.

And there was nothing, not ever, in the entire length of his existence, of his years at the streets, of his few years as Robin, of his time at either a ratty apartment or a manor, of all the people he’s met, of any song that he’s heard.

Nothing. Nothing compared to your voice. Nothing compared to you.

_Hot summer days, rock and roll_

_The way you play for me at your show_

_And all the ways, I got to know_

_Your pretty face and electric soul_

Breathy, low, and everything he’s kept to remember. His chest never felt so light, yet his heart was beating out of his ribcage. His bag was almost dropped down his shoulder, his mouth was parted, his face deeply flushed. Even when you played the wrong note, cursed, then went on just as perfectly as you ever could, he couldn’t tear his eyes off of you.

His eyes were so relaxed on you, and nothing, not even his trembling shoulders could make him look away.

You reached the higher notes with a perfect falsetto, then your voice echoed out even with the room as small as a stuffy classroom. His eyebrows were up to his forehead and he didn’t know if he was still breathing, when he was standing so still, frozen like a block of ice.

You had so much deepness and soul, and you were often whispering the words, but then your voice would go up in a perfect blend.

Perfect. That was all he could think of. Perfect.

His bag was on the floor now, the only thing keeping it up was a single finger.

Lana Del Ray. You sung it better than her. In his most humble, honest, totally not biased opinion. Shit, he even felt like he wanted to cry. His chest was heaving and his face never burned up so much, at almost the end of the song, he finally had it in him to move from his place and throw himself back against a wall.

Breathe. Fucking breathe.

_Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?_

_Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?_

_Will you still love me when I'm not young and beautiful?_

That last note, you breathed it out so nicely, it went straight into his soul, biting his lip, then closing his eyes.

He smiled like the biggest fucking idiot for the nth time that very day.

Jason looked like a fourteen year old girl cooing over a boyband. He laid his head against the wall, staring at the ceiling, hearing you sing vocal runs and pressing randomly at the piano. And he couldn’t stop showing his teeth, his face was hurting like a bitch, but _fuck._

_FUCK._

He’s never felt anything like this. Like his head was lighter than the air around him, lighter than the softness of your falsetto. He was still catching his breath and grinning above him, then at the ground, then back at the wall. It wasn’t on what he stared at. Your voice ringing in his ears, like angels were flying around playing their little harps over his head, like the sun was shining so brightly against him that he couldn’t see even a smidge of darkness anywhere in the world. How your face scrunched up, how your eyebrows raised, how you’d close your eyes and feel the song as it flew out your lips.

He rubbed on his chin and mouth to ease his aching muscles. Jason kept with his breathing, the fluttering in his chest. Everything. Everything.

Jason needed to wash his face with ice cold water at this point, gathering enough courage, he looked back into the room.

You were staring back at him.

\-----

You didn’t look mad.

Though you definitely, most probably should.

You didn’t even notice he was there until the end of the song when he hit the wall with his back. Idiot must’ve thought you wouldn’t hear him.

But you weren’t mad. Not at all. Not from the way he was looking at you. Not when he was staring at you in a way no one ever had in your whole life. Not when you could see how his lips were parted and how his chest was visibly rising and how cute his face was all embarrassed and shit.

You could only smile.

Standing from the piano and grabbing your bag, you walked over to him. Jason gulped down and backed up against the wall with you standing right in front of him.

And after five weeks of knowing him,

Jason Todd finally looked like he was scared shitless of you.

But you didn’t want him to be scared of you. Not anymore. It just doesn’t seem like something you wanted anymore.

“You heard all that, huh?”

Jason was an absolute mess. He cleared his throat three times and hesitantly nodded, keeping his head to the ground.

“I-I’m uh,” he mumbled. “Sorry.”

You shook your head. “Don’t be.”

He didn’t look like he had another answer. Jason scratched the back of his head. “Uhm-“

“Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

You walked first, but looked back to see if he followed. Jason rushed to your side, making sure his blush wasn’t so evident even though it clearly was. You were better at hiding your own embarrassment, so you nudged his shoulder.

Jason laughed out loud and looked at you the same way he looked at the stars. You looked back at him the same way.

“You gonna take me home?”

He managed to form a sentence. “I thought you wanted to stay longer.”

You shrugged. “I guess I can take it.”

When you stepped out the gate, Jason walked you over to his bike and handed you his second helmet. Playfully, you hit the side of his and chuckled when you sat behind him, clutching onto his waist. You felt him tense, but he eventually relaxed and you leaned in to him.

You leaned your head on his back this time. You never did that before. Your clutch was tighter, your eyes closed. If it were anyone, it could pass for simply wanting to be more secure. But that day you just wanted to hold someone you actually didn’t mind being with before you’d get home and all this would end in an abrupt stop.

After a long while, you still couldn’t smell smoke emissions from cars or even hear the horns or bells or shouts from all the city folk near your apartment. Looking up then around you with the sun still shining brightly even at this time of day, you were in the countryside. Away from the city.

“ _WHERE ARE WE GOING?”_

_“YOU’LL SEE.”_

You could smell cow dung, and the earthy scent of grass you should be more used to than you actually are. The road ahead of you was wide and long, and the air was so much lighter than it was at home. You closed your eyes, this time feeling the wind against your skin.

Jason was smiling through his helmet. Further down the road, you held onto him. “ _I THOUGHT YOU HAD SOMEWHERE TO GO TONIGHT.”_

_“I TEXTED BRUCE. I’M NOT GOING WITH HIM. JUST HOLD ON.”_

You smiled and looked on when he made a turn into a forest with tall trees getting taller as you rode further down. There were no people around you. Not even houses. You leaned into his shoulder and rested your chin on top.

Jason started to slow down when you reached deeper into the trees, finally stopping his bike by the curb. The air was cold, and you wrapped your sweater tighter around your body after you’ve removed your helmet. “Where are we?”

“Come on.”

Jason walked towards the trees, where there was a little cement pathway now covered in weeds and grass growing out of its cracks. You had trouble making your way through, especially when your boots had a bit of a heel in them, then you walked to Jason’s side as it became clearer what you were there for.

An old, abandoned house. Something out of the dozens of horror movies you’ve saved in your laptop.

“Dude…”

“You like?”

It was small, but its picket fence and flaking white wooden walls just screamed fifties to you, with a triangular roof, two windows on the second level, a half-circle glass wall on the right side of the first floor, and a door so rickety and old, colored in an earthly brown that had mixed in with the debris and rot. Vines were all over its porch, and there was even a rocking chair sitting right outside by the entryway, also covered in vines. Outside of the house was an old pickup truck that had rusted beyond use, sinking into the ground like it was pulled by the earth.

“How’d you know I always wanted to go urban exploring?”

“I just figured.” Jason smiled. “Come on. We can go inside.”

“Are you sure?” you eagerly started for the door. “It won't break?”

“I’ve been here once. The stairs are broken so we can't go to the second floor. Just be careful.”

Pulling the unlocked door open, and Jason right behind you, you flashed him a smile before stepping inside.

It was _seriously_ from the horror movies you’ve watched over and over. The first thing that greeted you was a nice little foyer, with a table in the middle and a vase that used to house flowers for sure. Then behind it was the broken staircase Jason mentioned. It was made entirely out of wood, and it had fallen in so bad that it was basically a wall by now. So much of the wood was on the ground, and there were lots of papers, books, clothes, and several others cluttering all around the floor. You had to walk all over them.

There were two entry ways at the sides of the foyer. One leading to the living room, and one to the dining room and kitchen. Everything further down had been blocked out by wooden planks and even more clutter. The living room was beautiful with the glass walls that formed a half circle and a petite grand piano standing in the middle. Its cover was up, and its keys had completely gone. There was still a bit of light coming in to the windows, which shone on the room so nicely, it was perfect.

The couches were completely ruined, and you wouldn’t dare sit on it. At the center of the room, though, which caught your eye the most, was a beautiful, broken chandelier that had fallen to the ground, which was why there was so much broken glass around the floor.

At the other side, the dining room was a bit more modest. A table seating six was still intact, but the chairs were either toppled over to the ground or broken in half. Even more clutter was on the table. Nearby was the kitchen, with an island in the middle, an old-fashioned fridge you probably wouldn’t want to go near to, and other kitchen supplies scattered around.

You both took out your phones and took pictures of the place. It was too good to witness.

“Jason…”

“I know,” he raised his arms up, putting his phone back into his pocket. “Amazing.”

You covered your mouth, then walked on over to the piano. You ran your hands over it, ignoring the mountains of dust that formed over your fingers. “I dare you to play it.”

“There’s barely any keys left.”

You watched him laugh, then you both walked around the chandelier. “Getting a bit of the Phantom of the Opera vibes in here.”

“Don’t touch it.”

“I wasn’t going to.” You eyed it carefully, then you looked up at the empty ceiling. It looked almost like it was going to fall in. Hopefully it wouldn’t.

“The family that used to live here, they left around fifty years ago. A mom, dad, and two twin girls. They both had tuberculosis and died in this very house. The parents just left it after they died. Never took anything along with them.”

“That’s terrifying. You think they’ve got a listing on this place?”

Jason chuckled. “The twins used to be theater stars. That’s why they’ve got a piano. To practice. And they built the whole place around it so the sounds would echo nicely.”

You finally got it. Shaking your head with a knowing smile, you turned to Jason. He had his hands stuck to his hoodie pockets, his head craned down, his hair falling to his eyes, and his smile all over the bottom half of his face.

“Is that why you took me here?”

“You have…” he gulped, never looking away from your eyes. “The most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard in my life…”

You had to look away. For your own sake. You were turning red so much, it was embarrassing. “Stop.”

“I’m serious. You never told me you sang.”

“It’s not exactly something I hid. I’ve sung in school a couple of times. Like in middle school graduation.”

“So I’m basically the only one in school who hasn’t heard you sing?” He placed his hand on his chest. Then pretended to scoff.

“Why don’t you sing. Right here.”

“Todd. No.”

“Come on. We have the place for it.”

You looked up at the ceiling, which was high for a house so small. It probably went all the way up to the roof. “No way.”

Jason kept nudging you, but you wouldn’t give in. You couldn’t help your smile though. You and Jason walked over to the kitchen and just looked at all the things the family left behind. Even the toaster was untouched, and you’ve never seen an oven so old fashioned before, it still had that pastel green color on the parts that hadn’t been taken over by rust.

It was starting to get dark. But you never wanted to leave. “Thank you.”

You said it without looking directly at him, but he got it. Going back outside before everything would completely dim out, Jason walked over to the pickup truck and jumped on its back.

You didn’t have the agility to just jump on top of it without possibly pulling a muscle, so you just watched Jason sit on the edge of it and swung his legs in the air. Standing beside him and leaning your back against the truck, you both watched the house as the sun started to set behind it. You could see the beams scatter just at the center of the roof where it angled down. The sky had grown from a brightly lit yellow to a dark orange.

\-----

You and Jason were a recipe for trouble.

Was it because you were too similar? Harbored the same anger? The same hatred for a number of people you didn’t even know? Was it because you both stirred trouble when it wasn’t asked for?

It was a recipe for trouble because, according to the young adult romance novels and movies, Jason was supposed to be with a nice, sweet, innocent girl who’d bring out the good in him and was kind to everyone, have just enough of that spice in her that would draw attention but still be a sweetheart, and she’d be made of happiness and rainbows and would be what brightens up Jason’s darkness.

You were not that girl. You were the opposite. You had that same darkness as he did. You had so much anger, and instilled so much fear onto anyone you didn’t like. Maybe you were even darker. And if it were up to those same novels and movies, you were supposed to end up with basically the same type of person, someone who was bright and yellow and happy. Not Jay.

But with you both being so similar, so full of angst and dread and hate, in a world were opposites were supposed to belong together,

why does he bring so much light and hope?

How does someone just as unhappy as you are come along and make you laugh like the world was about to end?

How does someone just as full of pent up rage as you are come along, and make it all go away for a sweet, short moment?

How was it all possible? How could two people, two very similar people, fit into a puzzle that called for them to fill it what you didn’t have?

How could someone supposed to fuel the fire already inside you end up being the sun?

Jason never thought of that either. In fact, he thought he might end up with someone in his line of work. Another vigilante. Not a mean girl from school who terrorizes students with a pair of fucking scissors.

But, somehow, it all just made everything he was turn into what he was supposed to be. You could say the same.

With you in your little room and Jason in his significantly larger one in the manor, you both sank to the ground, backs against the wall, and you pulled out your phones.

You had left a message first.

**_Y/N: ‘_ ** _Urban exploring should be more of a thing.’_

Jason smiled.

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Nah. People would crowd those places and vandalize them.’_

**_Y/N: ‘_ ** _True. I’d want them all to myself anyway.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I’m glad you enjoyed it.’_

You felt your heart jump. God, this had to stop.

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘I did. Thank you.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Should I get used to you being nice to me now?’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘Probably not.’_

He laughed and shuffled his knees.

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘Send me the pictures you took.’_

Scrolling through his albums, he selected everything he took that day and sent it all to you. Leaning on his back, looking up at the ceiling as he waiting, Jason imagined the look on your face when you first saw the house. Your eyes never shone so brightly.

You looked through the pictures and found several, about eight of them, centered on nothing else but you smiling at the ceiling, at the piano, at the chandelier, at the tables.

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘Dude. Why this angle of me?’_

Confused, Jason looked through the pictures.

And he cursed out loud, over and over, burying his head in his hands when he saw he’d accidentally sent eight pictures he’d secretly taken of you. Fuck it all. This is how he dies. _This is the death of Jason Todd._

You were smiling out of your face, and instead of saying anything mean or the thousands of jokes that instantly came up to the front of your mind, you did the same and sent him pictures you took.

And Jason’s heart rose up from where it sank to the floor when he saw you’d taken just as many pictures of him, doing the same things as you did and some with him holding his phone up. One was just his face.

He was a fucking grinning mess by then.

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Don’t I look good.’_

_Yeah,_ you cooed. _You certainly do._ But you didn’t say that to him. You just went along with him and he changed the subject.

 ** _Jason:_** ‘ _Huge favor.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘Shoot.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Send me a voice message of you singing.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘Absolutely not.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Please.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘No.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I’ll do your library work for three days.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘not even if you beg, Todd.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I keep my promises, just so you know.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘Still no.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Sing in the library tomorrow then.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘Ms. P will throw me out the fucking window.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Yeah, she probably will.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘Do my shelving work for three weeks. Then I’ll send you a five second audio message of me humming.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Make it a minute of a song of MY choice. Then I’ll do it for a week.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘not a chance.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘what do I have to do then.’_

_Nothing._ You gripped your phone to your chest. _I’d sing for you if it makes you smile any day._

**_Y/N:_ ** _’Two weeks. I get to ride on the cart while you shelf my books.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Deal.’_

You threw your head back, then you made a two second audio message of you screaming “NICE TRY, TODD.”

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Mother fucker.’_

**_Y/N:_ ** _‘HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.’_

4 am. You slept at 4 am that night. And only because your eyes couldn’t take it and Jason was drooling on his bed after doing exercises to stay up and talk to you.

He had it bad.

_Really bad._

And, not surprisingly, so did you.


	6. Gifts

The return date records you and Jason spent two hours writing weeks ago got wet from a roof leak last night, after which Ms. P gave you the lovely task of rewriting the whole fucking thing into another notebook for purposes she won’t even say.

Coincidentally, the school wanted all the teachers to attend some kind of seminar out of town, which meant all classes in the afternoon were cancelled.

All teachers except Ms. Peterson, which also meant that for the next four fucking hours of your already lovely day, you were to spend it all on the library rewriting hand-written pages of an outdated library record. Jason wasn’t here yet. He had another class before he could come over and help you with the load.

You glanced at Ms. P for the fifth time the last hour and gave her that snarky glower that had trademarked all over your face. All the old woman did was return the expression in an equally terrifying way. You sighed, then went back to work.

“Hi there.”

Your head craned up suspenseful and slow, making sure your hooded eyes had that annoyed glare. A boy with blond hair, blue eyes, and skinny figure looked at you and stood back when he saw your face.

“My name’s Kurt.”

You raised both eyebrows, then you saw him gulp.

“I, uhm, was wondering if I could sit with you?”

You’ve never seen this guy before. He was probably new here. Which made sense. “No.”

“Oh. Is anyone already sitting here?”

“No.”

Your voice was stern and you kept your glare at him.

“I-uh-thought you might need some company since you’re all busy with-“

You placed your elbows on the table, your hands folding over the other as you tilted your head and studied his expression. He was good looking, looked confident until you started talking. You’ve seen this kid recently. Even after being here just a few weeks, he’s had a number of women by his side. Five from the past month.

He looked down at your outfit and smiled the best he could. “I really like your jacket-“

“I hate this jacket.”

He stood another step back. “But-“

“It’s hot and it itches my back.”

He was starting to sweat, fumbling for words he no longer knew. “I-uh, think you look nice today.”

“So yesterday I looked gross?”

At that point, he just looked like he wanted to run.

“Like I usually look disgusting and today I got lucky?!”

You waited for an answer and he took tiny steps further back until he stepped into a shelf. Fumbling with the books that were falling out, he looked back at you, and your glare was utterly terrifying knowing you’d have to be the one to put them all back. 

Kurt eventually sprinted out the door.

You finally saw what the Vice Principal was talking about with you scaring everyone who wanted to have a shot with you.

Most of them anyway.

You watched him run out of the library just as Jason walked in holding a cup of coffee, head down and his other hand stuck in his pocket. Catching your eye, you immediately smiled a little and looked away.

“What was that about?”

He sat on the chair across you and took your drenched notebook from your hands. “Peterson wants us to rewrite the whole thing just ‘cuz she placed it right under a leak overnight.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“We have four hours.” Your eyes then went over to the cup of coffee he’d placed on the table. “No one told me the coffee machine was back on.”

“It is. Just this morning.”

You looked out to the door longingly. “Dammit. I really fucking want one.”

You loved coffee so much you’d marry it if you could. You’d barely function without it, be even more of a grouch than you already are, but even without that you just loved the way it tingles in your mouth. And the smell, _God,_ you just wanted to smell it all day.

“What happened here?” Jason looked back at the shelf that Kurt had just ruined.

“You should probably go fix it.” You took the ruined notebook back and started writing.

“Why me?”

“’Cuz I don’t wanna do it.”

“And what if I don’t?”

“Then I guess Ms. P will have to do it herself.”

“She’d never do that.”

“Then you better get on with it.”

“I hate you.”

“I hate you, too.”

His grin. His eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth was all curved up to one side. His eyes squinted at you like he would when he glared, but the way he looked when he did that face just made you want to smile back just as playfully.

“I’m taking a sip!” you said, placing his coffee cup between your lips as he shook his head watching you, walking over to the shelf. Just enough sugar. Not sweet. But not too bitter. You wanted to drink it all up.

Jason went on to rearrange the books while you continued writing. Reaching up the top shelf, then holding six books at once with one strong arm, two girls clutching a book to their chest suddenly went up to him with the brightest smiles on their faces.

“Hi, Jason…” one of them said. Jason smiled at them. “Hi.”

You looked up from your notebook with a quirked-up eyebrow.

They told Jason their names. One of them brushed their hair to the back of their ear while the other leaned against the shelf and let her hair fall to the side of her face. They had their gooey little eyes all over him. “We were just wondering if you have John Green or Nicholas Sparks novels somewhere.”

“Uhm,” Jason looked around. “No, I don’t think we have that-“

The other girl giggled. “That’s okay. We’re new here.”

“Do you work here?” The first girl stepped forward to get closer to him. The pencil in your hand suddenly started to get hotter, then you realized you were gripping it too hard.

“Yeah,” Jason nodded. “I should get back to-“

“You should give us a tour. I mean, your library’s so cool.”

“I don’t think I can right now.” He placed more books to the shelf.

“That’s okay. When are you free?”

“I didn’t know students worked at the library,” she nudged her friend’s shoulder. “Where do we sign up?”

“Well, actually I’m here on detention.”

They both laughed like it was the funniest fucking joke in the world. It wasn’t. “We’d like to volunteer, after that tour, of course.”

“You should give us a tour of the whole school.” They looked at each other and smiled. “You play football?”

“Uhm. No.”

“You look like it though. I could never carry that many books at once.”

When she placed her hand on Jason’s arm, the pencil in your hand finally broke in half from your thumb. “ _HEY.”_

The two girls turned to you. Jason looked startled at the sound of your low yet shrill voice but suddenly softened when he caught your eye. Your eyes weren’t on him, though. You were making sure the girls had a look of your face.

_“_ He doesn’t give tours. He has work to do.” That’s when you turned to Jason. “ _JASON, ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME WITH THESE RECORDS OR WHAT?”_

Jason bit his lip looking at you, then he turned to the girls. “Yeah, sorry. I can’t. I have work. Hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Your pursed lips and narrowed eyes wouldn’t let the girls have a chance at anything else to say. They walked away, looking back at you momentarily before sitting down at a table far away from you.

You pretended not to look at him when Jason took back his seat, his arms crossed over his chest and the grin on his face spreading to half his head. You didn’t look up when you handed him his own set of notebooks. “On with it.”

Jason looked amused watching you. He took the notebooks, opened them, then looked back at you again with a closed grin. You looked up and sneered at him, flaring your nostrils. He only laughed at you.

“You okay there?”

You turned a page and continued writing. “Fine and dandy.”

“Thought you were all grumpy from all this work we have to do.”

You shrugged. “Whatever.”

Jason watched you grip on your pencil that had been broken in half. Groaning, you took his coffee cup again, since he basically hadn’t even touched it since he came in, and took another sip. “Sorry. I just really need the caffeine right now.”

He tapped the end of his pencil onto the paper. “It’s okay.”

You went back to work, even with Jason doing nothing but stare at the empty table. You caught him with his teeth on his lip, then he swallowed, staring at the ground.

“It’s for you.”

You looked up.

“What?”

“The coffee,” he put his crossed arms over the table and dipped his head down. “I got it for you. I know you’ve been wanting one since the machine broke.”

You almost choked on your own saliva, and for a minute there your throat felt like it was blocked off. You looked at the coffee, then at him.

You remembered telling him about your coffee addiction just once. Maybe you’ve told him more than that. But from what you _could_ remember, it was the day the machine broke about a week of your library sentence, and you wouldn’t stop ranting and screaming about it even when you were too busy arranging books anyway. You remembered saying things along the lines of ‘ _they can’t expect me to live without caffeine’_ or something like that.

And he remembered.

Nodding and gulping and making sure your sweat wouldn’t show, you watched him move the cup over to your side of the table and he smiled at you. You wanted to jump out the window.

“Thanks,” you coughed out, taking the cup and taking a longer gulp than just a sip. He even got the flavor right.

“You’re welcome,” he breathed out his nose, then started writing into his notebook.

Suddenly, the work you had to do didn’t seem so bothersome. The pencil didn’t seem so heavy and your hand didn’t ache as much as it did a moment ago

Perhaps it was the coffee. It was the best cup you’ve had in a long time. It tasted better than the instant ones you had at home or even the overpriced ones at the coffee shop. It wasn’t too hot, and even if it probably was just the same ones as the one you drank this morning, this one tasted just a tad bit sweeter. You loved it.

You watched Jason scratch his nose and sniff, scrunching his face as he wrote.

Yeah. It was the coffee.

—–

Were you jealous? You totally looked like you were jealous. He didn’t mean for that, obviously. But your tone just had a slightly shifted sense of anger that he never quite witnessed until that moment. He couldn’t stop glancing at you, smiling when he saw your head was still hot and your grip on your pencil just a bit more aggressive.

You couldn’t be jealous. That would be raising his hopes up way higher than he should.

Not that he was hoping for that. Obviously. God, he needed a talk with Alfred.

He might have given you the coffee because you knew how much you loved it. But really, if he was being honest with himself, Jason gave you the coffee to see how you’d react, before he gives you what he _actually_ wanted to give you.

Last night, at the manor, he looked through every section and shelf he could and repeatedly asked Bruce and Alfred if they had some kind of record for the books they had in the library. They told Jason they didn’t, and that he should lay off with the library work for a while. But he was persistent. Eventually, he found it. At 2 am in the morning, with the floors covered in books of all genres, he actually found it.

Edgar Allan Poe’s Complete Collection. With stories not even the internet has in its archives. It was a very old, dusty edition, much larger and had almost twice the stories than the last one. He once eyed that book some time ago and forgot where he’d placed it. It was in his bag right now.

_Fuck._ You probably wouldn’t like it. You were never the one to read the classics as much as he did. It would’ve been a great gift, but more so to himself that for you. Yeah, you liked the first book he gave to you. But maybe you didn’t ask for more. Maybe he just got too excited that you loved something he loved, too and thought it would make you even happier if he gave you more of it.

If anything, it would only make him look like more of a dork than you made fun of him for.

Maybe you would like it, though. You did read the first one quite a lot.

Unless you were just being nice and overexaggerated how much you actually liked Poe.

You wouldn’t do that, would you? You were always upfront.

But he didn’t want to make a fool out of himself.

Biting his gums, Jason stopped himself from reaching into his bag and continued with the writing.

Just thirty minutes after, with most of the kids around you heading home at 1:30 in the afternoon, you looked over to the librarian’s desk and repeatedly tapped onto Jason’s hand. “What?”

You put your finger up to your lips to shush him. Pointing at the desk, he squinted over and saw Ms. Peterson, the woman who had the skin of one of Two Face’s thugs, had fallen asleep right on top of her laptop and was drooling into her keyboard.

Covering his mouth, then looking at you with a grin, you both placed your pens down and nodded.

You’ve never been so silent. You weren’t as stealthy as he was, of course. But you both held your breaths as you picked up your bags, gently pushed your chairs behind you.

Jason grabbed your arm just as your bag almost toppled over a chair. He didn’t let go, and pulled you with him as you stood on your tip toes like fucking cartoon characters and floated over to the door.

Outside, he still kept holding your elbow and kept your silence until you were significantly far away from the library.

“ _YOU SLIMY KIDS_!” Ms. Peterson’s voice echoed out into the room.

“ _RUN_!”

You ran down the empty halls, laughing and looking back at the library doors as you turned to the corner into another hall as far away as you could before Ms. Peterson could even run out and catch up.

Jason kept his hand on you, and it trailed down to your own. You welcomed it, of course, so you could run even faster with him pulling you along with his speed. You heard footsteps behind you, and you were laughing uncontrollably.

The hallways suddenly seemed shorter and you sped past the lockers, rooms, and unsuspecting people until Jason pulled you into a sharp corner where a supply closet was and he opened the door, rushed you inside, then shut it close.

You laid your back against the wall and panted your hair out. Jason did the same and backed the door close.

“You’re really fucking fast,” you coughed. “I almost fell out of my feet.”

“Thanks,” he said. “Part of the training.”

There wasn’t a sound outside, but you stayed, looking around you. There were cleaning equipment and toiletries stocked in a shelf, and only one lightbulb was above you to give you light. The room was stuffy and hard to breathe in, but you weren’t about to go out there and meet your fate against a batshit crazy old woman.

“What now?”

“Now,” Jason breathed. “We stay until she gives up.”

You took a toilet paper roll and threw it at Jason’s face, but he caught it with his hand. “I don’t wanna be stuck here for hours.”

Jason looked up at you. “You wanna get out and explore another old house?”

_Please say yes._

But you let out a long sigh and looked away from him. “My mom’s picking me up today. She won’t take no for an answer. I can’t leave school until fucking 4:30.”

Jason kept his face from looking too disappointed. You brushed over your hair. “Are you heading home?”

“No,” Jason finally caught his breath, then you looked up at him when he stepped closer to you. “I’m staying.”

He watched you smile, and it made his chest flutter.

“Y/N,” he said. “I’m still waiting for that song.”

You pushed your tongue to the side of your mouth and looked up at the ceiling. “Todd, not today.”

“Come on. It’s just us here.”

“What am I supposed to sing?”

“Anything,” he stood beside you and touched your shoulder with his. “You can even whisper it if you want.”

“You’ll get your chance soon,” You had on a cheeky grin.

You pushed him away playfully and peeked out the door. “I bet she’s gone. Let’s get out of here.”

He looked out the door with you. The halls were empty. Ms. Peterson didn’t sound like she was anywhere near the closet. Tapping your shoulder, you slowly moved out and closed the door behind you.

“Come on,” Jason walked you down the hall. “Let’s get some air.”

If he was the one to notice, he’d say your smiles seemed brighter, and your eyes just seemed to linger on him for a longer while before you’d look away. Jason liked the idea of that. He liked the idea of you possibly enjoying your time with him as he did with you. He liked the idea of you wanting him to be as happy as much as he loved making you smile.

Again, with his hopes. He watched you stop over at a vending machine and bought a can of Dr Pepper. He bought his own, then you both walked out into the football field. Other than Ms. Peterson, it seemed the Coach was staying behind as well. The team was in the middle of practice and the bleachers were as good as empty.

Shielding your eyes from the sun, Jason pulled you ten rows up in the bleachers and you sat down, laying out the snacks you just bought and watched the football guys tackle each other to the ground.

You pulled your hair to your back, and your leg crossed over the other while you leaned in, sipping from your can to his direction. Jason, on the other hand, placed his elbows behind him and leaned back.

“Think you can take those guys?”

You were watching the quarterback. Jason narrowed his eyes and shrugged. “Positive.”

“Well, you’re most humble.” You took another sip. “Why do you train for martial arts, anyway?”

He watched the football being thrown to the other side of the field. “I like it. It’s a good way to release anything you’ve got pent up.”

You looked at your drink and flattened your lips. “I should try that, then.”

“I’ll take you to the manor and we’ll train. Holding you down should be fun to do.”

You stopped drinking and looked up at the field, then you slowly turned your head to him. That sounded entirely different in his head.

“Okay,” he cleared his throat. “That came out so wrong.”

“You think?”

You’d probably punch him in the face, or push him down the steps until he breaks every bone in his limbs. Least you’d do is throw your can of soda at him or even stab him with a pen you probably have in your bag.

But all you did was roll your eyes and look back out into the field.

And he kept his silence as he watched the side of your face.

Your eyelashes were long, and it tickled your cheek every time you’d delicately close your eyes. Your face looked even more gleaming under the sun, and your lips, slightly parted as you drank, the can’s wetness touching your nose when you held it up.

You wouldn’t notice. You still had your eyes out on the field. Slowly, Jason took out his phone, biting his lip, pretended to fiddle with it for a second.

And when he was sure you wouldn’t notice; he snapped a picture of you.

He stuffed his phone back into his pocket before you’d even turn your head to his way. He’d look at it later at home. You just looked so pretty; he couldn’t pass it up.

“Look at that asshole.”

Brandon. Fucking Brandon again. He was looking up at the both of you. Jason clenched his fist when the linebacker held his hands up and gave you both a giant ‘FUCK YOU’ before turning back around to his team. You scoffed and finished your drink, putting it to your side.

“Fucking hate that guy.”

“Still isn’t over it, obviously. I might be the one to give him yet another new nose.”

Jason didn’t argue. You most probably would.

“I heard you almost got into a fight with him again. Everything okay?”

He warmed up at that question. “Don’t worry about it. Nothing happened.”

You just talked. For hours. It didn’t even feel like such a long time until you looked at your phone and saw it was already 4:30. A few hours suddenly didn’t seem so long anymore.

Walking out from the field and out into the driveway, with Jason still at your side, you both sat on the steps of the school’s entrance.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go home, yet?”

_I want to stay. For you._

“I’ll be okay. Got nothing to do anyway.”

You looked back out the driveway, then you pointed at a car nearby. “Is that Brandon’s car?”

Jason eyed it. “I think so. Yeah.”

You gave him a devious looking smile. “Give me your water bottle.”

“What?”

“Give me,” you pulled on his arm. “Come on. Prepare to run.”

You didn’t even wait for him and you just suddenly took out his bag, taking out his steel plated water bottle. Giving him one last look, you walked over to the car, looking around you.

_Mother fucker, DON’T._

Just as he thought, you slammed the bottom of his bottle right at Brandon’s headlights, and the car alarm beamed throughout the entire driveway. Grabbing both your bags, you ran to him and Jason pulled you all the way to the back of the building, running for your lives for the second time that day.

“ _WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO?”_

You didn’t answer when you were laughing your voice out, laying against the empty wall at the side of the building. The football field was all the way to the other side, and Brandon was going out from practice any minute.

“ _WHAT THE FUCK?!”_ He heard Brandon scream. _“WHO DID THIS TO MY CAR?”_

Your laughter was once again too much to handle. He wanted to tell you off and possibly give you a lecture that vandalizing a car was definitely not the way to go, or threaten to tell on you just to annoy you and make you mad.

But you stood beside him and leaned against the wall with him, your eyes looking forward at the wired fence at the side of the school that separated it from a long, orange field of grass. The sky was still so bright, and the brown leaves were all across the ground, over the grass with the wind making them dance.

And he didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. He forced himself not to look at you so much before you’d actually take notice and back away.

“Thanks for that. I guess.”

“You’re most welcome.”

He shook his head. “I’d tell you not to mess with people’s cars, but that would make me a hypocrite.”

“What do you mean?”

Jason kept his eyes on the grass. He could open up to you. You deserved to know where he came from anyway. “Have I ever told you how Bruce found me?”

“You said you once lived in the streets.”

“I did,” he cleared his throat. “I stole the tires from his car.”

Carefully omitting the part of his car being the fucking Batmobile, Jason ran a hand through his hair. “He took me in right after.”

“You know,” you stood from leaning against the wall and faced him. “That might be one of the best success stories I’ve heard in a long time.”

“I stole a lot of tires in my day. Just didn’t think I was dealing with a fucking billionaire.”

“What’s it like?” you asked. “Being so rich?”

“I told you. I want nothing to do with his money. I barely ask for anything at all.”

You were watching his face. Thankfully he’d stopped blushing from a moment ago.

“I still don’t get why you wouldn’t,” you laid back against the wall again. “But at least you’re not so smug an asshole about it.”

“That’s exactly what I don’t wanna be.”

Your neck long and straight, your hair flat against the cement wall, and the light from the sun beaming against your cheek opposite his side, that even with him just facing a shadow, he still wanted to keep staring at you.

“Y/N.” he stood up, taking his backpack.

“Hmm?”

He was gonna do it. He was so gonna do it. He can deal with you rejecting him, or deal with your disappointment. He can deal with you not accepting the book, at least he can say he tried. Jason’s eyes were on the ground, and you stepped forward to him so you were now at his eye level and not laying back against the wall.

It made him even more nervous.

“I, uh, I found this lying around in the manor.”

You watched him pull out the thick book from the large pocket in his bag and he saw your eyes shoot up.

Poe’s Complete Collection. It had the same cover as the last one, but this one was a high-quality hardback and its spine was more than twice as thick as the last book he gave you. It was bigger, too. But it had the same picture of Edgar Allan Poe and his Raven perched on his shoulder. The block letters were that gothic style you loved to run your fingers across, and the smell. It had that smell of old books Jason always loved.

He couldn’t help but feel bad. It wasn’t something you loved. It was something _he_ loved. He didn’t know what else to give you. And if he were to give you anything else, it would probably freak you out and drive you away.

But he just wanted to do this for you. Just once. He wanted to see how you’d feel if you knew he cared about making you happy.

That he cared about you.

“I’m uh,” he coughed. “I thought since you liked the first one, you’d like this one, too.”

Jason handed it over to you. Your mouth was parted, and your eyes were opened wide. Your silence just made him want to kick himself in the ass even more. _Stupid. Fucking stupid._

_Too late to turn back now._

“It has-“ _Shit, he was mumbling._ “It has all these stories that aren’t even on the internet. I found it in the library. Well, actually I didn’t just find it. I had to look for it. I mean, no, I didn’t. Shit-“

You looked back at him with your mouth dropped even more open and he just wanted to choke himself with the wire of the fence. He didn’t mean to say that. When he gets home, he’s going to ask Alfred for pill to force him to sleep for thirty hours.

Your fingers over the cover, then opening the book to eye the yellowed pages, Jason pulled on his hair.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re not exactly a reader. I just thought since you liked Poe so much, you’d maybe want to read more stories of him instead of reading the same ones over and over again. That’s if, you still do, anyway. I don’t actually know if what you said was true. About you reading the book ten times. Not that you’re a liar. I’m sorry. I shou-“

You suddenly wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him so close that he literally choked on his words.

You…

_You…_

With your lemony sweet hair, strong arms and nose pressing into his neck,

He froze.

Once, when he was a kid, when he crossed the street running away from a hotdog stand he stole from, a car had violently stopped just as it hit him, and he fell to the ground. It was that feeling when something so sudden happens that you could no longer hear anything much around you. You couldn’t see anything at the front of your face. You wouldn’t know what was around you for such a brief moment that you’d just stand there, completely frozen on the ground and you wouldn’t be able to move.

Everyone and everything around you is either static, gone, or completely irrelevant. Your heart would both feel like it was beating out of your chest or stop completely as if you were dead. You’d look at the sky and see all kinds of colors, not just the white of the clouds and the blue behind it. You’d barely pick up anything much from the rest of your senses and just stand there as if you were lifeless.

And you’d feel so much pain surge up your limbs that you wouldn’t know if you’d ever be able to survive from it. Survive from the pain itself. Even without much blood, or bones broken, or any other injuries at all, the shock that came with it was enough of a trauma, something he wouldn’t forget.

This was exactly like being run over by a car. Except, much worse.

Because it didn’t just last for a second. It lasted for so long, your warmth started to seep through your clothes and went to his chest.

Jason watched the ground shaking beneath him, then when it had stopped, that’s when his other senses started to work again. You were burying your face into his shoulder. And your hold on him was so tight, you didn’t feel like you were about to let go. Even with his body so tense, with his shoulders up to his neck, and his arms in the air like he had no fucking idea where to put them, you held him. You were on your toes, but that didn’t stop you.

He blinked, then fully regained his consciousness.

Whatever he did, it obviously struck something inside you, something you haven’t had with anybody else in a long time. He could tell just from the way you hugged him.

Relaxing his heaving chest, he put all those doubts away, all those skeptics that his hopes were all the way up the roof, that whatever it was that he wanted, it couldn’t possibly be, and he hugged you back and closed his eyes as tightly as he could shut them. When he did, he felt you hold him even tighter.

Your hair. He could smell it so closely now. Jason put his face to the side of your head and leaned in against you like you were the only thing keeping him up.

—–

Your parents gave you gifts. Sometimes.

Your mother gave you toys on your birthday and on Christmas every year until you were twelve, then it was all clothes and books and stuff you didn’t really want. You appreciated it though. Your dad, on the other hand, either rode in with whatever your mother gave you or forgot to give you anything at all.

They gave you a Cabbage Patch Kid once when you were seven. And a few other dolls as well. A dollhouse one year, even. You didn’t like them much. Your favorite toy used to be a hammer.

But it was always on your birthday or on Christmas. Never a day in between.

You always felt like you were given these gifts because they had to. So you wouldn’t throw a tantrum or fight other kids just because they had it better than you. They didn’t give you anything one Christmas and you stormed out into a mall to rip out Santa Claus’s beard off. Since then, your parents never forgot to give you anything. Just to keep you quiet.

No one has ever given you anything just because they wanted to.

And not just any gift, a book you genuinely loved, from someone who took notice of the things you liked. It wasn’t even about the book anymore. It was about him.

_Him._

_Him. Him. Him. Him._

His neck smelled so nice. You buried your nose into him and held him so close, you felt like you were about to break. Jason held you by the waist and was pulling you tight as well, and when he did, it felt even better than the gift. His arms were so strong and he was almost about to lift you from the ground. For him to think of you when you weren’t around, for him to actually look for something he thought you’d like.

It will always, always be embedded in the deep crevices of your mind. Maybe even your heart.

Who were you kidding? Of course, it was your heart.

And you never, ever wanted to let go.

The air never felt so nice against your skin, and the leaves dancing on the grass near you, with the sun against your back, shining against his face. “Thank you,” you whispered into his ear.

And at that moment, you just never wanted him to get hurt. Not by anyone else. And especially not by you. You had the knack to hurt other people so often, you understandably wouldn’t trust yourself.

So would you trust him to be yours? For him to be so vulnerable to you that it would be so easy to hurt him?

No, you didn’t trust yourself.

But you didn’t trust anyone else either.

Darkness went with light, and light with darkness. Two people with so much darkness wouldn’t be able to light each other up so much.

But he did.

Jason.

_Jason._

_Jason._

_Jason._

You felt him pull away, though he wasn’t letting you go. Only his head backed up so he could look at your face. Without reluctance, you did the same.

His eyes have never been so blue, his face never been so perfect. His arms were still around you, and you still didn’t want to let go of his embrace. Just as you looked down at his lips, a familiar honking of a car horn interrupted the moment.

You bit your mouth and started to pull away. Jason’s arms didn’t want to let go, but eventually, they did, and you never felt so empty and cold even with the weather so nice.

You looked back up at him and smiled sadly. “My mom’s here…”

Jason was watching you move. God, you wanted to sink to the ground.

“Be safe on the way home.”

You started walking back out into the driveway, with him staying behind. He watched you. You could feel him watch you. You brought the book close to your chest and pulled the car door open, feeling the rush of hot air against your already burning skin.

Looking out of the tinted window, Jason dug his hands in his pockets and kept his eyes on your car as you drove away. Away from him. And every second you were apart, everything just felt so much colder.

Smiling as you marveled over the new book in your hands, you opened the first page.


	7. Truth or Dare

You never actually noticed how much his jaw clenched when he ate. When he chewed, his mouth stiffens, especially when he ate something on the meatier side. It made his jaw look even sharper than it already does. He’s not the one to talk, either. Even with his friends around him in the table, Jason just kept his attention to his food and picked on it with his fork in the middle of chewing. His head was down, and he’ll either watch how everyone was going around him, respond when people talk to him, and sometimes, pull out a book and just read.

He looked so damn cute when he’d balance a book on one hand and eat with the other.

Barely anything happened the past two weeks, and you only had one week left of your detention sentence. You once dreamed of this day, when it all ends and all the shelving and recording and fucking hand writing comes to a finish, and you can go back to being the same, carefree old you when you did the absolute bare minimum of your studies instead of writing a damn lit paper all night just to impress someone whose opinion never even mattered until just a few weeks ago. The you before Jason.

It didn’t feel like the you that you wanted to go back to anymore.

If anything, shelving books didn’t seem like much of a chore much, especially when you were riding the cart and Jason was pushing behind you. When you’re busy with your own books and he’d come along and say you were doing it all wrong, when a shelf was too high and he’d help you reach it. When books fell to your face and his laughter would fill the empty aisles.

And the hand writing? Barely even a bother when he was sitting right across from you, smiling every so often when he’d catch your eye and hand you a cup of coffee he got for you.

Fuck, even mopping gym floors and being stuck in a library starving overnight became one of those memories you most often loved to relive before you’d drift off to sleep.

Yeah. You used to dream of this to end.

Now it was ending way too fast.

The week after this, you’d no longer have an excuse to see him everyday, or go up to him so suddenly and not look like a desperate fool. Perhaps the first few weeks, he’d say hi to you at the halls or smile at you from across the room. But it would probably end at that. Eventually he’ll find some other fun thing to do or new people to hang out with and you’ll end up being nothing but a detention story he’d sometimes tell his friends.

The distance will come eventually, and you’re stuck being the same old you. The you before Jason.

That’s the only thing you’ve thought about since you woke up in the morning. You haven’t made anyone cry today, or did anything that was borderline illegal.

It was lunchtime, and you haven’t said a word to anyone. You haven’t taken a bite out of your lunch, only fiddling with it with your fork for the past several minutes.

“Y/N. You’re staring at him, again.”

You bit your lips and darted your eyes over to your food. “No, I’m not.”

Penny was across from you, eating a sandwich. Her bright little sundress contrasted immensely from the waterfall of black you had on your whole body. She was looking directly at you, and could see exactly what you were looking at. She continued eating as she talked. “Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m NOT.”

Stabbing your food with your fork, you ate it whole and gritted your teeth as you forced yourself to swallow it despite the lack of appetite.

“You know, it’s okay to admit you-“

“That I what?!”

Penny flattened her lips. “That you like him.”

“I don’t,” you said. “What makes you think I do?”

“Well, I see you two together a lot. You’ve never actually been that way with a guy before.”

“I’m forced to be with him, Penny.”

“I don’t think you were forced to hang out with him at the football bleachers-“

“ _YOU SAW THAT?_ ”

Penny shivered. “No!” Her high-pitched voice prolonged. “…but everybody else did.”

You slammed your fork into your mashed potato and brought your elbows to the table so you could bury your face into your hands. “I swear. One of these days I’m gonna massacre the entire fucking football team.”

“Everyone thinks you’re dating-“

“ _WE ARE NOT DATING_.”

“Okay! You’re not!”

Your cheeks were burning up, and it you had on a hoodie, you’d pull it over your head. You continued to pick on your food like it was supposed to be all mushy and shoved it into your mouth in a big scoop.

Cocking your jaw to the side, you coughed, then your voice was unusually low. “Did we look like a couple or-“

“HA!” Penny pointed her fork at you. “You do like him!”

“ _SHUT UP!”_

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Penny’s smile was bigger than it usually was and it was obvious she enjoyed watching you squirm like this, or maybe she was just happy there was someone in your life you didn’t want to stab with a knife. “I think he’s cute, too.”

“Stop looking at him!” Your grip on the fork was about to break it between your fingers. “ _PENNY.”_

“I think you’d look great together, and he’s happier when he’s with you, too.”

Your eyes on your now messed up tray of food, you made a circle with the tip of your fork and eyed it carefully like it was about to move.

“Really?”

Penny’s giggles from being so giddy and happy for you didn’t even stop at your deathly glare on her. She brought her hands to her chest and smiled at you, looking like she was about to break into a song like a fucking cartoon princess. “Ooooooh, you got it bad, Y/N.”

“Penny, I will pop your head like a zit if you don’t stop right now.”

“Why don’t you make the first move? I’m sure he’s just scared to do it himself, Y/N.”

“I am not about to ask a guy out.”

“Well, since you’re so bossy, I thought you’d end up being the one to go for a guy-“

 _“DON’T SAY I’M BOSSY!_ ” you screamed.

“Okay! Okay!” She looked down at her carrots and peas. “But you are though.”

You glared at her.

“A little bit.” Penny took a bite out of her vegetables. “As I said, he might just be scared to ask you out.”

You momentarily glanced at Jason. He was done with his food and was now fully invested in his book.

“Not with him.”

Penny stopped smiling just when she saw the sad, longing look on your face. No, this wasn’t just a crush on someone that’s all happiness and smiles and something so easily will go away. It wasn’t that at all.

“I’ve never actually thought of making a move on anything. I just thought this will all blow over next week when I don’t have to do all that library work anymore.”

“It doesn’t have to!” She leaned over to you. “I can teach you if you like!”

“Penny, I know how to talk to guys if I wanted to-“

“Why don’t you do something nice for him? Start with something small. What’s his favorite snack?”

You continued licking your lips and glowering at either Penny at the food, but you then thought.

“He eats fast food a lot.”

“Okay. Why don’t you get him a can of his favorite soda before you head to the library this afternoon?”

You weren’t glaring anymore, but you still kept your head down and kept yourself from glancing at Jason yet again before it’s even more embarrassing than it already is.

That wasn’t too bad an idea. Especially since he brings you coffee almost everyday. It wouldn’t creep him out too much if you did the same.

“Fine.”

“Yaaaaaay! Y/N’s in lo-“

“ _NO!_ ”

Penny stopped with her poking and went back to finishing her food. “Bossy…”

You rolled your eyes.

An hour of class felt way too long with you fidgeting and squirming in your seat so uncomfortably. The vending machine was right outside, and you prayed they had Dr Pepper or at least a can of coke. Would he like that? He’d probably like that. You shouldn’t be so nervous, yet you kept glancing at the clock, both at the wall and the one on your phone, waiting for the bell to ring so you could get this fucking thing over with.

So you went over the possibilities.

Jason would look at you all surprised, but in a good way, then he’ll give you your daily cup of coffee and you’ll sit together at the table doing whatever it was Ms. P wanted you to do that day and thank you for the can. He’d smile brighter at you and before you’d leave, he’ll pull you into a hug and then you’d go home all happy and text him all night. And the next day you’d do it again until you’ll both realize you’ve been bringing each other drinks when you could just buy each one for your own. Then you’ll realize what was going on and… you didn’t know what happens after that.

OR

Jason would slowly back away, telling you he never actually liked that kind of soda and you’ll end up throwing it into the trash. He’d excuse himself and arrange books that never needed to be rearranged and avoid you for the rest of the day, possibly for the rest of the week, then you’d wallow in your own loneliness and do the work all by yourself, walk all the way home again and delete his number before you’d be tempted to text him first, only for him to not text you at all and you’ll go to sleep knowing you ruined the only thing that was good in your life.

Yeah. You were fucking terrified.

The bell rang and it almost made you jump out of your seat. Grabbing your bag too fast, you sped past the people around you all the way over to the vending machine. A guy, not seeing you were on the way, cut in front of you just as you were about to pull out your wallet, so you violently pushed him away. You were so fucking nervous.

He didn’t argue and instead, waited for his turn behind you. You were shaking while you grabbed the dollar bill, biting your lips until they were most probably chapped and bleeding. You didn’t taste blood yet, which was good. You fiddled with the machine until a can of coke dropped and you took it out.

_Okay. Calm down. Almost there._

The walk to the library was most nerve wrecking. The cold of the can seemed to mellow it down when it came in contact with your sweating palms, but your chest was heaving and you swore you’ve never been so anxious in your life. Jason could just take it and thank you and it would all be over for all you care. You just didn’t want him to be driven away.

You were overthinking everything. You just knew it. Before you walked into the library, you closed your eyes and told yourself it would all go smoothly and wouldn’t even be a big deal at all. Just a friend giving another friend a can of soda. It doesn’t even have to mean anything.

Just two friends.

Gulping down your throat, you went into the library.

Jason was the first one you saw, and the light was shining against him from outside the window. He was putting a few books onto the first shelf away from the desk. You would’ve walked towards him if you didn’t see what was behind.

The same two girls from weeks ago. The ones who often came to the library to talk to him about anything and laugh at his God-awful jokes. The ones you’ve screamed at repeatedly, yet were never actually scared enough of you to not come back. The ones with their shirts pulled down way too low and their pretty eyes batting more often than they should.

Jay was smiling back at them and looked like he was actually having a good time. He didn’t look like he needed a can of soda. And he didn’t have a cup of coffee with him, either.

You closed your eyes, then took your last breath before you closed back the door and walked out to the school’s exit.

_A fool. A fucking fool. That’s what you are._

A girl came up to you handing you a flyer. “ _COME VOLUNTEER FOR THE WINTER WONDERLAND BALL COMMITTEE-“_

You grabbed the piece of paper, violently crumpled it in your hands, then stuffed it into the girl’s shirt before storming out the door. “ _JUST MEET US AT THE STUDENT COUNCIL’S OFFICE IF YOU’RE INTERESTED!”_ she continued to cry out at you, but you were gone out of the building.

_Stupid. So fucking stupid. To even think you had something going on._

Jason liked being with those girls. You just knew he did. They wouldn’t have gone away if you hadn’t stepped in most of the time and driven them out. You always thought it was one sided. But perhaps, they kept coming back for a reason.

You kept walking. Out into the driveway. Nobody spared you a glance when you stomped out and fought to keep a blank expression on your face. Your chest was no longer heaving, no longer did your head feel like a hurricane was raging inside of it. You felt empty, alone, and most of all, disappointed.

You crossed the street without looking the other way, and a car almost drifted to the side, screeching as it almost hit you and stopped. A man poked his head out the window and yelled, “ _MOVE, BITCH!”_

 _“MOVE YOUR CAR!!!!”_ your screamed with your shrill, shrieking voice that echoed out into the road, then you, without a moment of hesitation,

threw the can of coke throbbing in your hands right into the windshield and cracked the glass like you just shot a small bullet. The soda exploded upon impact and foamed up the entire front of the car.

The glass breaking was then followed by an ear-shattering car alarm. The car driver didn’t even go after you. He looked at you, visibly scared, then went out to check on his car. You later heard sobs. “ _THIS WAS A RENTAL._ ”

You kept moving. Out into the streets. Never mind how the voices that started to get so much louder against your ears that you felt like you were about to go deaf. You didn’t mind the sounds of cars you didn’t know, or anything else going around you in the busy Gotham streets.

You kept forward when someone almost ran you over with their bike, or when another car almost didn’t see you, or when a guy was in your way and didn’t have the time to walk to the side. You kept going, your head to the ground yet high enough for you to barely see where you were going.

Your feet picked up the pace, the more you felt the pain surge in, the image of him being so much happier without you, for you to think so high up in the clouds when you’ve never left the ground your whole life. For you to think it was okay to be vulnerable, to laugh with someone who you thought only laughed with you, too. For you to think this was how it was going to be for a long time. To think what you felt was actually true.

For you to think library work was more than just work, that a cup of coffee was more than just coffee, that books were more than books, that a mop was more than a fucking mop. For you to think he took you places, took you home, shielded you from being unhappier than you already were just because he wanted to.

For you to think you were an entirely different person after you’ve met Jason.

You were never, ever, going to let this happen again.

You reached home at record time. Fifteen minutes on foot. It was faster than you would have arrived on a bike. Coming home early had its consequences, you knew that. But anything was better than to make a complete fool out of yourself.

“Y/N?” your mother’s voice cried out from the kitchen. “Why are you home so early?”

You didn’t answer and shut the door behind you. Your father was on the couch. Your tall, stern, always furious father. He had his suit on since he just came from work. “Caused trouble again?”

You only gave him a side eye when you walked straight into your room with a large enough slam to shake the entire apartment building.

And when you’ve reached your room, your bed, your eventual loneliness, you gave yourself one last, painful pinch on the shoulder to stop yourself from crying. You’ve never cried over a guy before. You weren’t about to start now.

That’s all he is. A guy. Nothing more.

You slumped your bag to the floor and kicked your boots off, sitting on the edge of your bed and pulling out your phone.

Ten unread messages. From Jason.

Your thumb had unlocked your phone against your will and opened the texts even when you had no intention on reading them. Now it said you did, but you weren’t going to reply.

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Y/N? Where are you? I need you here to update the records. Also thought you should know the coffee machine’s broken again.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Y/N, Ms. P just gave me a whole shitload of books to shelf. Pls tell me you’re coming. Can’t do this by myself.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Is everything okay?’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘okay. I lied. There’s not much work to do. I’m just chilling on one of the couches at the library. One of them’s finally free to sit on and not flocked by ten people. You should come over’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘you coming?’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘_ _☹_ _’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I saw you at lunch. You can’t tell me you bailed your classes today.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I just walked around campus. You’re not here_ _☹_ _.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Pls tell me you didn’t just storm out like you were about to run someone over with a bus, bc that’s what the security guards told me.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Is anything going on? Pls talk to me..’_

Then he saw you read his texts, so he texted your name in all caps over and over and over again in three separate messages.

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I know you’re reading this.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I definitely did something wrong.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘Will you at least tell me? Pls?’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘You know I’m not gonna stop.’_

You turned your phone off, placed it on silent before you’d hear any more of its constant beeping and stuffed your face into your pillow.

He’s just a guy. That’s all he will be. Enough with your daydreams and this never would’ve happened in the first place.

Then your phone started vibrating. The asshole was calling you now. You took your phone just to turn it off, again after a few seconds, then just before you were about to burst, you unlocked it. A high number of messages in just short of two hours.

**_Jason:_ ** _‘_ _☹_ _I guess you’re not at school.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I hope you’re okay. Ms. P’s kicking me out of the library. I’ll wait at the steps if you’re still out here_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I have to head home now. Bruce is calling me. Pls call me if you need me to pick you up. Or just talk.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘I’m not gonna stop calling.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _‘pls answer.’_

Your chest only continued to hurt and heave the more you read his messages. You were suddenly tired. So tired. Like the past nine weeks finally took its toll on you.

You laid down your bed and took a nap.

Several hours passed, then you woke up from when the first piece of glass was thrown across the other room and you could hear it break. You knew you caught that impulse to throw something breakable at the wall from one of your parents. Most probably your dad.

You felt like your bed was about to sink you into its mattress, like you were about to be gobbled up all the way to the core of the earth, where the heat wouldn’t bother you and the light wouldn’t reach you. You’d feel burning hot and at the same time freeze from the lack of sun. Your eyes felt heavy, and your limbs felt like they’ve fallen off your body and onto the floor.

10 pm at night. You didn’t even get to eat dinner.

You forced yourself to have another nap. Your overreaction from earlier today was going to bite you in the ass eventually, but you didn’t want to deal with it now. You just wanted to get the night over with and wake up and pretend nothing happened.

But other than the constant screaming, your phone wouldn’t stop vibrating from the other end of the bed. It hadn’t stopped even as you’d slept.

Peering over the screen, you swallowed.

_36 unread messages. 15 missed calls._

The absolute madlad.

You shivered at the sound of your father screaming, and you knew no matter how much you’d block it out, there was no way you’d fall asleep now.

Jason’s name appeared on your phone, calling for the sixteenth time.

You were upset, hungry, furious, disappointed, and you desperately needed someone. Needed him. No matter how much it hurt, you let yourself admit that at this time, you just needed him.

So you accepted the call and brought the phone up to your ear.

“Jay.” You said. It wasn’t a question or a greeting. Much more like you acknowledged being in a phone call with him instead of him possibly thinking you pressed the green button on accident.

At first, you heard a gasp, like he didn’t believe you eventually answered, but then he followed with his voice. A voice you just wanted to hear above anything else.

“Please tell me everything’s alright. I’ve been worried sick-“

“I’m okay. Stop it. I went home.”

A deep sigh, collecting his thoughts and his breath. You just brought your knees up to your chest and forced yourself to see through the dim light.

“Did I do something wrong?”

You breathed. “No…”

_Not because what he did didn’t bother you. But because you had no right to be bothered by it at all._

“I swear to God, if you’re playing-“

“I’m not playing, Jason.”

You heard him swallow. “Sorry. I panicked. I thought something happen-“

“Just forget it, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow…”

Another plate breaking. You flinched and curled up tighter into your bed.

“Is everything okay there?”

You didn’t want to answer. You didn’t want to open up about anything more that’ll cause more eventual pain and expectations that’ll never be met. But it was stupid for you to think Jason didn’t already know enough about you to begin with.

He didn’t wait for you to answer.

“Y/N. Can you go out the fire exit from your room?”

You looked out the window three stories above ground. “Yeah.”

“Give me twenty minutes. I’ll be right there okay? I’m picking you up.”

You didn’t say no. You didn’t want to say no. Jason hung up before you could say anything more to protest.

—–

He had no idea what to expect.

But one thing was for sure, you needed to get out of there. Jason, in the middle of patrol, stopped everything he was doing and told Bruce he needed to cram for an assignment he totally forgot about, and that he had to go meet up with a friend to do it. Only an idiot would buy his excuse, and Bruce Wayne was definitely not an idiot. But he refrained from prying and just told him to get home before sunrise.

What he didn’t know was that Jason took one of Bruce’s cars out instead of his own bike. Riding around the city on a motorcycle wouldn’t cut it. You needed to get out of there, and you needed to be distracted.

So he drove all the way over to your apartment. You were there, sitting on the steps outside your door. Maybe you didn’t need to get out through the fire exit. Maybe your parents didn’t care enough to stop you.

Jason parked the car and walked out towards you. You wore a leather jacket over the sweater you wore earlier today, keeping your hands into your pockets and your head so craned down he would’ve easily missed you.

But you looked up and saw him. It was the first step to making everything seem just a bit brighter. He stopped and you stood up, looking straight at him like he was that very light.

“Come on,” he opened the door to the passenger seat and you stepped inside.

When he got inside the car, you had your eyes on the windshield, out onto the empty streets and the light refracting off the glass from the lamp posts.

You looked vulnerable.

And if there was anything you swore you’d never do, it was to never be vulnerable to anyone and everyone.

“Where are we going?” you said. And your voice had never been lower.

“Out of here. You hungry?”

You nodded.

“Let’s get a drive thru. I know a 24 hour one but it’s thirty minutes away.”

“Fine.”

He started to move the car, and with the dead, awkward silence, he couldn’t bring himself to turn on the radio.

“Whatever happened, you know I’m here for you…”

“I said I’m fine.”

You were about to leave downtown and it had never been so quiet outside. You bit on your upper lip.

“Hey.” You turned your head to him and he cracked a smile. “Don’t bail on me again. I’ve never been so bored in my life. Library’s not as fun without you in it.”

Jason could feel your eyes on him as he turned over to the corner. There was absolutely no traffic. He still had no idea what happened, but as long as you were here, as long as you were okay, prying wouldn’t do him any good.

And when he noticed you curve the corner of your mouth up, he couldn’t help but grab your hand and squeeze it. “Thanks,” you said.

Your hand was so warm.

He let go just as he had to turn to a corner. He didn’t want to, though. He wanted to hold your hand all throughout the night.

“How did Ms. P take it?”

“Oh, she wouldn’t let me hear the end of it. Kids were making out at the Boner Aisle again. I think I scared them enough.”

You finally managed a laugh. “That would’ve been fun to see.”

“Yeah,” he said, turning his head to you. “Sorry for calling so much. I really fucking panicked.”

“No I-“ your teeth hid your lips. “Just forget about it.”

Thirty minutes wasn’t much of a drive. You found a burger place that was still open and Jason ordered two burgers, two milkshakes, and a bucket of fries. You were starving by now. Grabbing the bags from out the window, he set them aside.

“Where are we headed to now?”

“There’s a playground nearby. Should be fun to check out.”

“Dork.”

He laughed.

The place wasn’t too far away, and even when it was dark, there were still enough lamp posts to light up the roads. The playground was small, only having a castle-like tower that led down to a slide, a pair of swings, a seesaw, a sandbox, and a picnic table. He parked the car and you both walked out, you holding the bag of fast food, slightly shivering from the cold.

Jason walked up the slide and slid down like he wasn’t as tall as the slide itself. You stood in front of him, watching him like he was an idiot, but a pinch to your shoulder and you were cracking up the biggest smile for the night.

“Here,” you pulled out his burger and shake. Moving over to the table, you both sat beside each other and watched as a car passed by the empty streets every five minutes.

You took a bite out of the burger. “Thanks for this.”

“No problem.” He sipped on his shake.

A greasy burger suddenly became one of the best meals of his life. You picked out the fries, then drank your shake.

“You look starving.”

“Shut up,” you said, taking another bite out of your burger and almost finishing half the whole thing. “I haven’t eaten anything since lunch.”

“I should’ve ordered another one.”

You both ate in the most comfortable silence. Your shoulder was touching his, and even with more space by his side, he didn’t move. It might have just been the cold. You were warm against him.

After your meals, you threw the wrappers away, walking over to sit on the two swings. “Wanna play?” he said.

“What?”

“Truth or dare.”

“You are a manchild, Todd.”

“Come on,” he grinned at you, and he caught you glancing at his mouth. “Fine.” You rolled your eyes. “Truth.”

“What’s the most illegal thing you’ve ever done?”

You tilted your head to the side, cocking your jaw. “You do not want to ask that.”

“I am,” he swayed on the swing. “Tell me.”

You licked your lips. “Alright. Once I got so mad at that my mom left me at the mall, that I went over to a hardware store, stole a hammer, then broke a store window.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“I was eight.” You shrugged. “Your turn.”

“Truth.”

“What are you afraid of?”

Jason looked up at the sky, studying the lack of stars and into the empty darkness. “Good question.”

He was afraid of a lot of things, but it doesn’t mean he’d never faced them. In fact, he faced his fears every day. Every single day. Going out on patrol, be someone he wasn’t born to be. His life was terrifying. Even for him.

“Death,” he gulped. “Even with the world being shit, I don’t wanna leave it behind. I’m afraid of what happens to me when I’m gone.”

He looked at you and your face was soft, slightly frozen from the bittering cold. You licked your lips again. “I think I’m afraid of the same thing.”

He sighed. “Your turn.”

“Dare.”

“Eat a whole packet of ketchup.”

You looked like you were about to murder him. “Todd-“

“You said dare!”

He had a packet in his hands, and he held it out for you to take. Looking at him, shaking your head, you snatched it from his fingers and tore it off with your teeth. “Fine. Watch me.”

In one big gulp, you squeezed out the entire packet of ketchup right into your mouth and swallowed it before it settles too much into your tongue. Jason busted out in laughter when he saw your face flinch.

“N-not-“ you gagged. “Funny.”

“You are a menace,” he kept laughing until he felt out of the swing and his ass was on the ground. “Alright, alright. I’ll let you have your sick revenge. Dare.”

“You wanna do this, Todd?”

“I fucking dare you.”

You were grinning so widely, he didn’t want to look away.

“Text your dad that you peed your pants.”

He backed away from you on the ground. “Slow down, Satan.”

Jumping from your seat at the swing and taking his phone from his jacket, you smirked. “Do it. Or I will.”

“Give me that.”

Reluctantly, he took the phone from your hands and took a deep, long breath. “Come on, Todd.”

“Shut up.” He looked at you the entire time his thumbs pressed on the keyboard, biting his own teeth to keep from laughing so hard. You were falling to the ground by now, clutching your stomach by the time he hit send.

“I hate you.”

You kept laughing, staring at the sky. The grass was cold, and the dew had seeped into your clothes and his. He didn’t mind. He brought his knees to his chest and rocked back and forth. “Your turn.”

“Truth,” you said, looking up at him with you laying on the ground. Your hair was all spread out on the grass and your face glimmering against the dim light.

“What do you hate?”

“Uh,” you thought for a minute. “Old pencils. Headaches. The color yellow. Rainbows. Flowers. Sand when it sticks to your skin. The word moist. Ducks. _Man, I hate ducks_. Fake leather. Sweating. Toothaches. Trips to the doctor. Babies-“

“Okay, that’s enough,” Jason interrupted, laughing. All he wanted to do was ruffle your hair and make your scrunched-up face soften. You were adorable. “My turn. Truth.”

“Tell me about someone you’re jealous of.”

“Shit, woman.” He shifted his knees. You still kept your head up to the sky. You looked more peaceful now.

“Okay, I’m not exactly _jealous_ of him. But my adopted brother, Dick, he’s someone I’d like to be but never could be.”

You turned to him with you eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

“Well. He seems more… at peace, I guess. I’m the brother who gets into trouble a lot. There’s a lot of things he’s achieved that I don’t think I ever could.”

Your eyes kept to him. Jason didn’t want you to say anything back.

“I don’t see that…”

“Well,” he inched nearer to you, and you smiled. He picked a piece of grass from your ear and you playfully scoffed, scrunching your nose. “Bruce thinks so.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t.”

He shook his head. “Thanks.”

You smiled again. Your skin looked so soft, your hair a mess on the ground. He just wanted to lean in and-

“Truth,” you said.

“Ever been in love?”

You squinted at him. He looked serious. Dead serious. But you swallowed when you looked like you finally had an answer and you shifted on the ground, obviously uncomfortable.

“Okay. Don’t answer that.”

You laughed. “Give me another dare.”

_I dare you to kiss me._

“You are so gonna regret this,” he said, pulling out a blade of grass from the ground. “Eat this.”

“Todd, if I get diarrhea from all the shit you’ve made me eat today-”

“It’s basically a vegetable.”

“No.”

“Come on.”

You forcefully snatched the piece of grass from him and eyed him like it was the last day of his life. “Mention this to anyone and you’re dead.”

“Swear.”

Breathing out, you put the tiny blade into your tongue, before spitting it out when it sank into your gums. Jason fell to the ground and laughed so hard, his stomach hurt from the clenching. “ _YOU ACTUALLY FUCKIN DID IT- FUCK.”_

You were really fucking heavy when you suddenly slammed onto his body with your back and pressed against him so he was flat on the ground. “ _SHUT UP.”_

He couldn’t laugh as much with you laying on top of him, your head on the ground and your torse perpendicular to his own. His abs were pressing against your back. Smiling, he stayed still, hoping you wouldn’t move.

“Last round.”

“Truth.”

You kept your eyes on the sky. “What’s the last porn video you’ve seen?”

“You. Mother. Fucker.”

You held back your laughter. “You gotta tell me, Todd. Is it kinkier than it should be?”

“No.”

You turned your head to him. “Answer it, asshole.”

“A bit of handcuffs might have been involved-“

“ _JEEZ, YOU’RE ACTUALLY-“_

“And maybe a whip-“

_“TODD, STOP.”_

You were pushing your body hard against him so much that it tickled. He flinched, pushing you further up so your faces were closer together. _“AND SOME ROPE.”_

“You are _DISGUSTING.”_

_“YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION, YOU PERVERT.”_

_“I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D ANSWER IT.”_

With his dirt-covered palm, he placed it right onto your face and you pushed him away. Sitting up, your hand was crossed over his stomach, and his eyes watched every inch of you. Your hair that fell to his chest. Your eyes. Your lips.

“I have one more dare for you.”

He sat up, and with your arm still over him, you didn’t even move when he neared his face to yours. “What?” you whispered.

“Sing for me.”

Slowly, with your eyes closing and your hand slowly withdrawing from the ground, placing it on your lap, you took a long, deep breath.

Then you looked at him, smiling so slightly, it drove him nuts.

“What am I supposed to sing?”

_Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. You were actually gonna do it._

_Fucking hell, he didn’t prepare for this._

Well, actually, he did.

“I have an instrumental here downloaded just for this very moment.”

“You. Dork.”

Still sitting so close to him, leaning against his leg when he crouched over to pick up his phone. Bruce didn’t answer his text, thank fuck. But he went over to his saved music and played it.

“Go,” he said. His voice was way to high and excited. “Please.”

You bit on both your lips, sighing as you gave in. The piano started to play, and you closed your eyes, feeling the music.

_“There is no upper hand_

_I’m giving you mine_

_It doesn’t have to end up wasting your time_

_There’s things that I could say_

_But hear it my way_

_I want to let you know that it’s all okay”_

Then you stopped, opened your eyes, then turned your head to him, standing so close he could feel your breath.

Fuck.

_Fuck._

_Fucking finally._

Just as Jason remembered it. Just as he’d so often dream about. Just as how he spent so many nights, constantly trying to recall how you sounded like and how you’d breath the ends of the notes and how-

How perfect you are.

It was better than when he caught you singing in the library, or when he’d hear you humming while you worked, or when you were singing your heart out in the music room. It was so much better, because this one was for him.

Only for him.

Jason looked like he was about to fucking cry. His chest was pushed out, and he was constantly biting his lips. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything except to breathe as slowly as he could, catch up with the rest of his senses and look at you without it being so much of a blur.

Everything around him just stopped. The cold. The air. The distant sounds.

You placed your hand on your sides, slightly touching his fingers, then you turned your body to him. You were so close to his face, so close he could only look at your lips. The song had changed. One from Kodaline. It just brought the moment all together like the heavens did it on purpose.

You glanced at his lips, too. You’ve never looked so beautiful. The air was nipping cold and the wind was ever so slightly pushing your hair to dance.

_Your face. Your perfect voice. Your perfect everything._

Jason leaned in, held your cheek, set aside every arguing thought to the back of his fucking mind,

**And kissed you.**

_All I want is nothing more_

_To hear you knocking at my door_

_‘Cause if I could see your face once more_

_I could die as a happy man I’m sure_

Jason kissed you. He kissed you. And you kissed him back like your lips have never been against something so perfectly made for them. Like there was never anything so warm to keep him from the cold or anything to keep him safe. He felt you shift, your legs now folded towards him, so he trailed his hand down your shoulders, your arms, your leg.

_But If you loved me_

_Why did you leave me_

_Take my body_

_Take my body_

_All I want is_

_All I need is_

_To find somebody_

_I’ll find somebody_

Your hands were around him. And fuck, he couldn’t fight it. Not anymore. He sat up and moved you underneath him, never breaking away from the warmth of your lips.

_Ooh oh_

_Ooh oh_

_Ooh oh_

_Ooh oh_

Your back was against the ground. Your arms around his neck, his weight on you, your tongue seeping out your lips, only for him to bite onto them so subtly that you winced before kissing him again.

The cold of the grass underneath. The wind. The lights of cars passing by. The music.

The sky above.

The world around.

Jason.

You.

_All I want is_

_All I need is_

_To find somebody_

_I’ll find somebody_


	8. It Starts Here

Light and darkness can be the most shallow, categorical means to describe a human being, one whose ways were never to their fault, never to their choosing, when an upbringing has caused either optimistic or cynical perceptions on the simplest things like the weather. Calling them someone who embodies _‘light’_ would bring their minds up so high in the sky that they’ll end up believing they will forever be too bright to corrupt or hurt another. That is almost never the case. With the lack of perfection with just about anyone, everyone is capable of hurt. Everyone can be capable of selfishness. It all boils down to their will, if they _want_ to hurt that somebody. But capabilities can never be assured. Even just the thought of a corrupted act is evidence enough that one person is never just _light._

And darkness? All the more is it so limiting, so detrimental to how one would end up perceiving themselves, to be labeled as something the world will never be in favor of, to cause such a belief that they are never desired, never to bring happiness, never to come up to someone’s life and possibly make it better. For them to think they will never amount to being a star so bright that another’s eyes would lovingly gleam at the sight of them. For them to be convinced that they are a shadow, undesired, a bundle of emotions that have long been thought of as unwanted, unhealthy even.

The world has always been cruel, creating such labels so human beings would be drawn to those of either the same or opposite types. _Types_ that shouldn’t make sense when just because one might see themselves in another, it ends up leading to the idea that a person is a mere _idea_. That they are a sort. Something to either want or avoid. Never something so deep that a common belief prevents you to finding out the depths of a person.

Love has never been about light or darkness. It has always been about depth. And depth can be infinite. Just like how love is an infinite spectrum. It was never about opposites. It was never about types. It was never about the surface.

Jason Todd was known to be a brood, never the one you could easily approach. Never the one to approach anyone. On good days, he would be seen laughing with his friends, raising his hand in class and have a great sense of humor that anyone can be charmed with. But those days can be counted. Most days, on days when he came to class with bruises all over his face, a hood over his head, scowling at anyone who dared to look at him twice. When someone would come up to them and he wouldn’t do so much as respond. Those days were plentiful.

The days that have cemented himself as a guy to watch out for, a guy to be feared, a guy no one wants to mess with, were those when someone would get on his already irritated nerves. Those days, he used his strength, his fight, to hurt other people more than they should be, beating them further to the ground even when they were already down. Fights were normal in high school. It was always something to expect. And it most commonly ends up with a day’s detention or even just a warning. But with Jason Todd? More often than not, he’d come out unscathed, and the other guy would end up in the hospital. Those days were the ones he was least proud of.

You, Y/FN, were troubled, harsh, often so angry, and spoke everything as truthfully as your mind would let you. You do not hesitate to hurt back, often even hurt first. You never let anyone talk to you the wrong way. You were strong enough to fight back at the world when it wasn’t often so decent to you. You can almost never be told what to do. Any threat thrown at your direction, you will tear it apart with you bare hands before life will have any other say on it.

But it went far beyond to just being defensive against cruelties. You’ve hurt so many with just your words, caused so much tears, shed bucketsful of blood. So many times, you’ve taken advantage of other people’s kindness and end up being so selfish as to only work for your own gain. You mostly ever thought about yourself. You never cared about what other’s thought, about what other’s felt. You’ve instilled so much fear onto so many people.

Some would say you and Jason would only amplify each other’s rage, each other’s blackness, each other’s cynicism. Some would say you were damn right perfect for each other.

But, with love being an infinite spectrum, it’s no longer about being _perfect_ for someone, is it?

Nobody is ever really perfect for anybody. Rough patches will be inevitable. Personalities will most often clash than not.

But whoever that person is, whatever label they may possess or how the world puts them in a tagged box, if they end up being the one you share your brightest smile with, your noisiest laughter, your genuine happiness, then what is the world to stop you?

How could the boy whose eyes were most often hidden by the shadows look at you the way he was now? Peering in from the thin space between two books on a bookshelf, one you were just about to fill in with another one from the cart. He was smiling at you, knowing you caught his eye, too. And with the yellow light seeping through the shelves so perfectly resting on the details of his face, you stopped yourself from freezing and placed the book onto its place.

Then you pushed the cart, your eyes darting to the ground when your face had gone too flushed, but you couldn’t help but look back into the spaces between the bounded, dusty books. He kept your pace, never tearing his eyes away from you even when he could only see so much. You could see dust particles float about just from concentrating too much on him. You placed another book, then he moved to the space next to it. You bit your lower lip and kept going.

He’s been at this all day. Following you in silence, glancing at you when he noticed you following him as well.

Even from the other side of the shelf, you could see that shine in his eyes, the shine not everyone had the privilege to witness.

Then when you’ve reached the end, when your corners met and your eyes followed from just each other’s eyes to each other’s whole, he faced you, and you shyly tried to look away, but that day, the day after _that day¸_ he’s been following you around like a lost puppy and you have been doing much the same to him.

It was the best feeling, even in silence, when Jason sat across from you, still giving you that same look he’s always had, yet no longer looking away when you caught him, when his touches felt so much warmer, when his voice just a tad bit softer. When you only ever looked at him in admiration, when you looked further out to protect him, when you stole touches whether or not he noticed. It was basically the same, but also entirely different.

Love has never been kind to you. Never been kind to him. You’ve only had your parents and a few friends, yet you couldn’t remember the last time they’ve held you just because they wanted to, or that they longed for your presence when you weren’t in the room, when they constantly thought of you and your happiness. The people you loved have only ever done so much to love you back. And you, understandably, didn’t always love so hard as a person should and could.

Jason has had a girl or two that he liked, created the blossoms of an early relationship with without much thought on commitment, but that was only within the past two years when he got back to school and somehow maybe even before he dropped out after 5th grade. It was hard when on the prime ages of his teens, he’s had to think more about what he eats for the night than whether or not a girl likes him back. So at this age, no, he didn’t have much experience. You were definitely a first.

A wonderful first.

But that also meant he hadn’t a speck of an idea what to do to move forward.

Penny sat across from you, and you ate like the food in front of you in a dirty, grease filled tray was an actual decent meal. You didn’t notice your friend was smiling while watching you eat, like what you did was so amusing to look at.

“What?” you asked, still with food in your mouth.

“Something happened,” she poked you. “Didn’t it?”

You rolled your eyes and shoved your fork into your mouth.

“Tell me.” Penny put her chin on her hands and tilted her head while grinning at you. “Pleeease.”

“No.”

“You seem happy today, and yesterday, and the day before that-“

“I’m not- just eat your food.”

“Did you _kiss_?” she giggled.

“Stop giggling.” You ate two spoonful’s, then with your head craned down, you smiled. “Yeah…”

“ _EEEEEEEEEEE-“_

“ _PENNY.”_

“I can't believe it. You two kissed,” she held her hands together and looked up at the ceiling. “Was it romantic? Or awkward? Tell me what happened!”

You’ve never actually told anyone at all. You didn’t feel the need to. But something so warm at the pit of your stomach made you want to coo and daze yourself all over him like a fucking crackhead.

_Whatever._

“We were at a playground. He asked me to sing. Then he just… kissed me…”

You were smiling at your food like it was the best damn thing in the world. It was only mashed potatoes and a chicken drumstick. You _were_ a crackhead.

“How was it?” Penny asked.

Your own smile kept getting bigger as you remembered that moment. The most perfect moment. “It went on for like… forever, but at the same time it ended way too soon. It wasn’t weird at all…”

“Look at him,” Penny was looking at Jason eating from his own tray of potatoes. “He’s so _cute._ ”

“Stop. Looking at him,” you demanded.

“I’m just so happy for you,” she smiled. “What happened next? Did you go out again? It’s been three days!”

“Well,” you licked your lips. “Uhm…”

“What?”

“After that night, he dropped me off, then I texted him to say thank you and he was all like ‘you're welcome’ and then the subject changed before we fell asleep. Then we texted basically about anything in class before going to work at the library, then-“

“Wait,” Penny stopped you.

“Are you telling me you’re not dating yet?”

Your lips were between your teeth. Your eyes were all over the place but on your friend’s.

“Define dating…”

She leaned closer. “Did you get to talk about how much you liked each other and that you wanted to be together?”

Shoving a forkful of chicken into your mouth, chewing it ever so slowly, then swallowing, you murmured. “No…”

“Did you guys even _talk_ about your kiss?”

You wanted to sink into the ground. “No…”

“Oh my god.”

“Penny-“

“This is both your faults.”

“Penny-“

“Talk to him, Y/N-“

“ _PENNY-“_

“I’m serious! How is anything gonna happen when you're both too shy to do anything?”

“Don’t EVER call me shy. It’s demeaning.”

“Okay…” she slumped to her seat, her mouth pouting like a child as she stared at her food. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Don’t be a fucking baby.”

You ate your food and kept your eyes downcast. You didn’t have to rush, right? You didn’t have to talk about it right away? You’ve never been happier the past three days. Why should you change anything?

“Hi.”

You, with your mouthful of food, and your friend still pouting, looked up at the deep voice that stood over your table.

Jason’s smile at you made your stomach churn like a washing machine.

Penny almost dropped her food, then her mouth. She looked at you, then at Jason, then silently giggled at how you two had lingering gazes at each other longer than any two sane people would.

“Mind if I join you guys?”

“ _SIT HERE!”_ Penny cried out, standing up from her seat and taking out her tray.

“Oh, I can totally just sit over th-“

“ _THIS SEAT’S BETTER._ ”

“But you haven’t finished your food-“

 _“I’M ON A DIET._ ”

You wanted to bury your face into your bag and hope you’d suffocate yourself and die.

Penny practically sprinted out from the table, glancing back at you, catching your piercing glare, and gave you a huge thumbs up with both hands before running out of the cafeteria. Just before the doors closed, you heard her high-pitched giggles.

_Kill me now._

Jason cleared his throat, then took Penny’s seat right across from you.

The moment you looked up and met his eyes, your glower faded in an instant and your mouth defied your thoughts and curved up. You picked on your food, trying your best not to stare at him too much. But there he was again with his eyes. He barely touched his food.

He was nervous, too. You could tell. Biting his lip.

You could handle the silence. Silence didn’t always have to be awkward. You’ve never done this before. He never did either. And too much all at once would be far too much. So just this time, with him, you’ll take all the time in the world.

Jason chewed on his food, looking up at you every so often.

Then you saw his one hand reach over to your side of the table, doing nothing but just lay there untouched. You looked up, fighting your grin.

 _Okay_ , maybe you could take another teensy little step.

You reached out your own hand, so slowly, he never would’ve noticed it if he wasn’t looking from his side eye. You laid it just an inch away from his. You pretended to focus on your food and ate.

He did the same, eating in silence with you with just one hand holding a fork. His jaw clenched the same way it often did when he chewed. Silence. More silence. But you were smiling from ear to ear.

Without glancing up, you felt his pinky brush against your thumb.

You had to bite into your lips to not look like an idiot.

His touch was so slight and beautifully delicate, yet with each miniscule movement, you could feel the buzzing warmth, down to your palm, then to your arm. It wasn’t something overwhelming, or even electric. It was just… warm. Fuzzy. Comfortable. He knew you were smiling, but he continued to eat and grin so secretly, it was annoying.

Even more of his warmth raced to your chest when his leg grazed against yours under the table. You didn’t even try to hide your smile anymore, but you knew if you looked up and catch his eye, you wouldn’t be able to take any more of this warmth and fuzziness.

You inched your hand closer, too close until his pinky and ring finger were on top of your hand. His leg kept touching yours. Your heart felt like jumping out a ten story building. You were an idiot. _Such_ an idiot.

But you actually liked being an idiot at that moment.

At that point, neither of you moved. And just like the kiss, it lasted forever, but ended far too soon.

For days, it was like that. Silence. Comfortable silence. No talks beyond what was on the surface, or anything about feelings or anything to move forward. As much as you’d love for it to go past this, you just enjoyed the moment.

It will come. Soon. For once, you felt secure.

Jason made you feel secure.

Back at the manor, he could only ever think about you when you weren’t texting. He was just nervous. And scared. Not of you. But of himself. He could mess up and lose you. Losing you wouldn’t be so easy to undo. He stepped on the right track with that kiss, as much of a risk it already was, he really didn’t want to mess up the next move.

You were an entire maze to him. So mesmerizing and so prone to get lost in. Difficult to understand. Not at all easy. But that’s what made you so beautiful. That’s what drew him in the first place. And like a maze, when he finishes, _fuck_ , will it be rewarding.

With his suit on, sitting at the computers with his legs up on the keys, he fiddled with his phone, thinking of what to say to you to make you laugh.

“Robin,” Batman said to him as he put on his cowl. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah. Just hold on.”

He thought a meme would just cover it. He sent it to you and hoped for the best.

“So who is she?”

“What?” he choked, putting his phone face down.

“The girl you’re always with. Who is she?”

“I have no idea who you're talking about.”

“You expect me to believe you stay in school all the way until 6 pm at night, visit an abandoned house far away from the city, and hang out at a playground in the middle of the night all by yourself?”

“How did you- _you placed a tracker in my phone, didn’t you?”_

“Answer me, Jason. Who is she and are you going to bring her here in the manor anytime soon?”

He fell face down onto the computer keys. “I like you better when you’re Batman and not an absolute dad.”

“Well, I technically am your father, which means I would like to meet your nice girlfriend and invite her over to dinner-“

“She’s not even my girlfriend yet!” he coughed. “Sorta…”

“Then why don’t you ask me, Dick, or Alfred on how to get a girl to-“

“Bruce, I am NOT having this conversation with you.”

“Alright. Alright. Then you can put your phone down or else I go on patrol on my own. You can take your bike.”

Batman went into his batmobile and drove out of the cave. Jason laid on the rotating chair, facing the ceiling.

 _His girlfriend. You._ He’ll have to take that in before he goes to sleep at night.

A tongue suddenly started licking his fingers. Jason looked down. Ace was on the ground, looking at him with the widest eyes.

“I’d rather talk to _you_ , Ace.” He patted his head. “What do I say to her?”

He showed the dog his phone, which had your reply. Ace looked at the screen, then at Jason, then proceeded to lick his ass.

“Nice. Could always count on you, boy.”

Alfred took the liberty of placing his domino mask on his face while he continued to text you for several more minutes.

“I really like her, you know,” Jason told the dog, who was now lying on the ground asleep. “I hope I don’t mess up.”

Ace’s back heaved steadily in his slumber.

“You don’t think I can mess this up? You're too kind.”

Several minutes passed. Jason told you he needed to do some homework for the night, and to text him if you needed anything. He placed the phone on the table and fixed his mask, standing up. The dog followed him.

Ace watched him get onto his bike, pulling down his helmet. He sat down, panting like he was smiling.

“You think I’m in love with her?” Jason scoffed and snorted. _“No…”_

And as if the dog understood, he stopped smiling and whined.

Jason laughed at the dog, then at himself. With a bright smirk looking down at the ground, feeling his heart race at the thought of you wishing him safe before patrol, he drove out of the cave.

Yeah. This was eventually going to have to change.

The end was so close and near.

Now, you were at the library. Tomorrow, at 4:30 in the afternoon, it will be you and Jason’s very last day being library assistants. The last day of the one thing that excused both of you to see each other as if you were forced to. The one reason you could always rely on to hang out with each other without it being weird.

At that point, you’ve grown to be fond of the old book covers, grown to take the time to admire the old classics that Jason lingered on often. You no longer complained having to shelf the same books over and over. You no longer dreaded writing dates by hand. You’ve grown to love your work.

Even if everything else progresses, you were going to miss it here. Even Ms. Peterson.

The old woman was silent on her computer. And even when it was almost 4:30, you still took your sweet time at the shelves. Jason had his own cart to take care of at the shelf beside you. You looked up at him, smiling. This view. Of him glancing at the pages before putting them on the shelves. This was definitely what you’ll miss the most.

Jason looked back at you and returned your smile. _Jeez_ , your heart.

You bit your lip and looked down.

You took out the very first Edgar Allan Poe collection book that belonged to the library, the one you never asked to borrow from Ms. P, and ran your hand over the cover.

A long dead, emo writer ended up pulling two people together the way he never meant to. He was probably looking down at both of you all confused, since he wrote about the most depressing themes that almost never ended in a good way. But he ended up mending a story so beautiful, you couldn’t help but thank him.

You had another book of his at home, anyway. So with a longing brush of your palm over the cover, you placed it back onto the shelf where it belonged.

“Y/N!”

A group of three girls. One of them was the one who handed you a flyer the other day and you ended up shoving it down her bra.

“We’re the party planning committee, and you know the Winter Wonderland Ball is coming up, right?”

You squinted your eyes at them.

“And we also know that you are a _very_ good singer-“

“No.” You went back to shelving the books.

“Please!” she begged you. “Our last singer had a throat infection just today and he had the _audacity_ to tell us just now.”

“No.”

“Come on! Please! You are an _amazing_ singer.”

“I know,” you smirked. “But I’m not gonna do it.”

“The ball is two days away! Please! Just one song!” She was on her knees now. “I can't lose this job and I need this on my resume for college! We promised a live band!”

You rolled your eyes and turned back over to your shelf.

Jason was looking at you. Straight at you. He heard everything and you just _knew_ he wasn’t going to let you hear the end of it.

You sighed and looked back at him.

His smile just melted every block of ice inside you. You loved that smile. You wanted to see it every day. And you did, technically. But like this, silently telling you to push yourself, be your best version.

And the thought of him seeing you on stage, you seeing him in the crowd and having that flutter in your chest that hadn’t gone away since that night at the playground.

_God, you were an actual, undeniable, enormous crackhead for giving in to him._

You turned to the girls and shrugged. “Fine.”

You flinched when they shrieked. The girl who begged you held your shoulder. “ _THANK YOU_ -“

“Neeeever touch me,” you growled, glaring at her. She backed away, still with a smile, then the group ran out of the library before you’d possibly change your mind.

Placing the last book onto the shelf, you felt proud of yourself. With a deep sigh, you walked over to the tables and grabbed your bag. Jason came up from behind you.

“I can't wait,” he grinned while swinging his bag over his back. You licked your teeth and rolled your eyes at him. “Shut up.”

“Really.”

He took a step nearer to you, looking straight into your eyes with that same smile that drove you nuts. “You’re gonna do amazing.”

You shook your head and you both started walking out into the hallway.

“Can I take you home?”

Your eyes were locked on the ground, then you covered your lips with your scarf when you stepped out into the cold. “Sure.”

Holding him on his motorcycle, you laid your head against his back, circled your arms around him tighter than you usually do.

Love is infinite. Love is depth.

Jason is both.


	9. Christmas

At times, when familiarity does come with the idea of comfort, the moment it’s stripped away, it becomes difficult to part with. And it may have been repulsive at the first glance, something you never would have thought you’d grow fond of. But the rustic smell of old books, the dust that stuck to your fingers against the covers, that one wheel of your cart that squeaks a lot, those were things you’ve grown familiar with, grown fond of.

* * *

You were certain that at the end of that day, when you step out of the library as its assistant no longer, that you’d miss every single one of those little things. Work wasn’t work any longer. It became a pastime. A wonderful pastime.

But even then, you knew the one thing you’d miss more than anything else was having a reason to see your cute jackass of a co-worker.

The shelves were quite easy to hide behind. When you stood by them, it was as good as hiding by a solid brick wall if no one looked your way. But if you peer enough into the spaces between the book’s spines, you’d be able to spy on the other side without being detected. You took advantage of that. You hid yourself, but peaked into all the spaces you could find without making too much noise. On your toes, you tried your sorry best, swerving to the side when you saw his back and stifling a laugh when you caught his eye before disappearing again.

It was the only reason Ms. Peterson hadn’t noticed. Somehow, Jason was really good at being stealthy.

“Where are you?” you whispered to yourself. You were taking a risk walking into an aisle with your back unguarded. Though you swore you saw him by the poetry section.

A whistle. All the way over to the back. Shit.

You hastily turned around, yet still you couldn’t see him.

Then there was a jab to your side. You jolted up and screamed, immediately leaping to where you felt the winds shift.

Jason ran right past you and went for the shelves once more. He was laughing, and more so was his voice loud enough for Ms. Peterson to notice when you were running behind him, considerably slower, and because of that you lost him once again.

There was movement by the romance novels. Crouching over, you quietly made your way over to the back. Then as you did, you caught sight of where he was really hiding. At the shelf right in front of it where he thought you wouldn’t see him. Smiling to yourself, you went to the other side.

And when you were almost facing his back, you sprinted and tugged on his jacket. “FUCK. You little shi-“

Giggling as you ran, you knew you couldn’t stand a chance. He chased you around the aisles, through the shelves and the tables where Ms. P couldn’t see you. Your laughter was getting much too difficult to hold back. You stood with your defenses up by a shelf, with him guarding your way. Over to the left. Then to the right. His eyes were on you, laughing just as hard, then when you ran for the back, he went straight for you.

But you’d disappeared as you went around the corner.

Toppling a book to the ground, Jason went straight for the noise. But his senses were all over the place. You could barely make a step onto the carpet without it being too noticeable. So you went for the tables. The ones out of Ms. Petersons’ sight.

You could see his feet move from under the table and you felt no less than a small child playing hide and seek. Which basically was what you were playing. Jason was walking around, all around the shelf. You could hear his murmurs and his occasional calling out of your name. He couldn’t have seen you.

Smiling to yourself as he once again went into the sciences section, you stayed under that table for a few minutes, and you felt confident until no longer could you see his feet.

Crawling further down, you placed your head near the ground and looked for any movement. Nothing. He wasn’t where he used to be-

“This is a terrible place to hide-“

You jumped at the voice whispering into your ear. And before you could scream and run away, Jason had already pulled you down on the ground, grabbing you around your shoulders. His touches made you laugh out of your wits. And you tried holding them back just to not make so much noise. “ASSHOLE-“

“CAUGHT YOU!”

He started wrestling you to the ground, and the worse you kept laughing, the more so was it difficult to not smile his face off and laugh along with you. Under the table, on the floor, he almost pinned you to the ground, then the dickhead started gripping you into a headlock and rubbing his knuckles onto the top of your head.

“JAY. JAY. NO.”

“YOU ADMIT YOU'RE A LOSER?”

“STOP IT.” You grabbed his wrists but he was much too strong. His back was on the ground, with you on top, then you were rolling around trying to make him stop giving you the worst knuggies you’ve had in your life.

“JAY, STOP IT. YOU WANT ME TO BITE YOU!?”

“FUCKING TRY-“

“I WILL CALL THE POLICE-“

“RESISTING MAKES IT WORSE!!”

He was laughing so hard and by then your hair was an absolute mess, your clothes all dirtied from rolling around the floor.

“YOU HAVE SHARP KNUCKLES!!!”

“STOP RESISTING!”

You stuck your palm right up against his face, and he snorted, prying his hands away from you, but as you crawled out, Jason grabbed you by the ankle and started wrestling you down again. “JASON!”

Finally, with you panting and your cheeks hurting so much from the smiling you were doing, you managed to lay down right on top of him and pin him down with his arms. And if you didn’t know better, you would have missed how he was purposefully losing against your much weaker grips and the wide grin he had as you did, holding him down.

“I win,” you said.

“You sure did.”

Jason smiled through his teeth. When his eyes were too wide set, his pupils visibly dilated at the sight of you, your face grew hot and you slid off of him.

And just like that, he pinched you in the cheek and ran off into the shelves. Cursing the worst of profanities, you pulled yourself up from under the table so you could go right after him. When you were back to running around, hiding by the shelves, taking turns in chasing each other until the sky grew dimmer.

His laughter certainly was the best thing you’ve ever heard.

Hiding behind a corner with your head sweating like a leaking tub, you saw him slowly walking around, thinking you couldn’t see him. Or maybe he did. And this was his way of trapping you again. But you wanted to run to him now. You’ve been at this for the past hour.

So as you snuck out of the corner, you rushed to his back, grabbed his shirt, and stuck to him like that with Jason trying his best to turn around and catch you. But you gripped onto the fabric for dear life and stuck your chin to his back.

“REAL MATURE!” He screamed.

“OH, ‘CUZ YOU'RE SUCH AN ADULT-“

The asshole, not being able to catch you no matter how much he tried to catch you off guard, reached over to his back and grabbed your arm, but you swerved around.

Then he started backing up, with you having no choice but to go along with him.

“JAY, WHAT ARE YOU-FUCK!”

He’d backed away against the wall and was pushing against you so harshly the shelf was imprinting itself against your back. He was laughing like a madman, and you were screaming into his ear.

“GET OFF!”

“YOU STARTED IT!”

“JAY-“

“SURRENDER NOW!!!”

“NEVER!”

“THEN I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO STAY HERE-“

And you did what he never would have expected, though it didn’t surprise him even a little. You bit his shoulder.

“AGH!”

You pushed him off and ran for your life, but he was merely just a foot away from you. He grabbed your hand, pulled you, then you were by the corner hiding from him and he’d caught you there too. You never laughed so loudly until finally, he’d grabbed you from behind, arms locking you down so you couldn’t even thrash about. He pressed his chest against your back and kept laughing into your ear.

“NO, NOT AGAIN!”

You struggled off him, panting, sweating, and you were so out of breath but so high up in a bliss that you didn’t even want to move away from his arms. When you stopped, stood on your feet, trying your best to catch your breath, Jason spun you around and you tried worming your way out. But his hands were on your hands, holding them tight, letting the warmth go through his palms and onto your skin.

You were still smiling, and so was he, but no longer were they desperate laughs or screams. His smile was sincere, sweet, and more so was it that when you locked eyes and your breaths started to wear down. Jason kept holding your hands and pressed his forehead against yours.

“YOU TWO SLIMEBALLS. QUIT YOUR PLAYING AND DO YOUR JOB!!! YOU AIN’T FREE UNTIL 4:30!”

Like the life was sucked out of him.

Jason groaned and reluctantly loosened his hold around you. You were groaning, too. But your smiles still hadn’t worn off when his hand tightly lingered around yours before eventually pulling away when you walked over to Ms. Peterson’s desk.

The old woman had knife-like glares on you when you and Jason grabbed the cart of books, wheeled it over to the side, and you started pushing your tongue out at her when she wasn’t looking but Jason pulled you away.

Jason pushed on the cart, helped you with the books on the shelf, making you laugh and feel so lighthearted you swore you’ve never felt so much in a high.

“Nice to hear you aren’t complaining,” Jason said.

“It’s our last day. I’ll enjoy it while I can.”

“So you enjoyed it, did you?”

Rolling your eyes, you shelved a book. “You gonna help me or what?”

“Nah,” he placed his arms on the cart handle and put his chin on top, staring at you. “I’m good here.”

And he didn’t stop staring at you. Not even as you tried to ignore it for the sake of the redness in your cheeks, the tension still up in the air. You hadn’t kissed him yet since that night. You’ve done other things, like hold hands and hug and tease each other endlessly and basically spend every free minute there was with each other.

But he hasn’t made another move. It had been this way for quite some time. It was lovely, this point in your relationship. Could you call it a relationship? But you weren’t sure how to move forward. Or where to move forward. He hasn’t even asked you out yet.

“My turn to push,” you said. “And you arrange the books.”

Smiling his teeth off, he offered the cart to you. He shelved the books, glancing back at you knowing you were teasing him by doing the exact same amount of staring as he did. And you made sure you were so noticeable just to rile him up and get him to blush.

When he almost emptied the cart, and when you pushed it to the last shelf­-the last shelf-your heart skipped three beats when the warmth of his chest started pressing itself against your back, arms around you, holding the cart and pushing it along with you. You kept walking, but merely biting your lips just to keep them from curving up too much had grown too difficult for you to do.

You glanced over your shoulder and suddenly you felt his nose against your cheek. And it was a miracle you were still alive at the rate your heart was going. Your bones were about to break, but it was that wonderful gooey madness that sent your mind miles up into the clouds.

Even when you reached the shelf, he didn’t move.

Then your breath hitched when you felt his nose against your shoulder.

“You gonna shelf those or what?”

Jason laughed. The deepest, breathless laugh that clenched every muscle in your body. He wasn’t holding your hands but you could feel his thumbs feeling your skin, ever so slightly brushing them against you. He was so close to you. So burning and even scorching with him pressed to your back like that. You could easily cut the tension between you two with just your fingernail.

“Jason…”

“You shelf it.”

“I can't.”

“Yes you can.”

“No, you’re blocking the way.”

“You want me to move?”

Looking back over your shoulder to scoff, only to freeze when his mouth slightly touched your cheek for the briefest, yet most wonderful moment, you sighed.

“Yes.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I’m asking you to move.”

“You didn’t ask me to move.”

“I said yes to your question.”

“Then say you want me to move.”

You rolled your eyes. “Fine, I’ll arrange them.”

“How wi-“

You bent over with him still against your back, just for the shortest second to grab the last few books, then you stood back up and placed them onto the shelf not caring if they were arranged.

Then you turned around, just so you could have a good look of his flustered skin and uneasy breath. Shaking his head, he kept you caged in his arms and leaned down just to narrowly hover over your face.

“Are you gonna let me out or do I have to force myself out?”

“You threatening me, Y/LN?”

“I just might be, Todd.”

“Mmm,” he groaned, and it made every nerve in you shiver.

Then his face was nearer, nearer, closer until your noses touched but not your lips. You fluttered your eyes close, relaxing every muscle on your body including your mouth. He brushed your noses together so delicately and sweet that you couldn’t even bring yourself to smile when every part of you just wanted to enjoy and take all of him in. His breath. His bright blue eyes. The way they were looking at you with his pupils so clearly dilating again.

When he tried leaning down to kiss you, you swerved away just to keep that teasing alive. You were having way too much fun.

“Y/N…”

But you quirked up a brow, swerving away again when he pulled you once more. Groaning when you leaned your head back, he pushed his tongue to the side of his gums.

Then you were once again grabbed into a headlock by his incredibly strong arms, knuckles on your scalp, rubbing them so you were screaming out for help. You thrashed about, but he kept you in his hold. Eventually you were wrestling so much that you ended up on the floor, rolling. He pulled you until his back was leaning against the shelves and you were laying your head on his lap with his one arm still holding you down.

“PLEASE STOP. PLEASE STOP!!!” You yelped.

“NO!”

“JAY, COME ON!!!”

“NO!!!”

You managed to grab one of his hands, pulling it away, but he only rolled you over. Finally you shrugged yourself off him and blew the strands of hair up your forehead.

“That never gets old.”

“Shut up, now I look like a mess.”

You were sitting cross legged right in front of him. Jason laid his head against the shelf, watching you comb it with your fingers. You glared at him, but when you caught his eyes for more than three seconds you were smiling off your face.

Jason reached over to mess up your hair again, and you held him by the wrists so desperately trying to hold him off. Your laughs were silent, playfully cursing at each other, but you were on the floor playing all the way until the last, final minutes of your detention sentence had finally come to a close.

Still trying to hold his hands away, he settled when you both heard Ms. Peterson clean up her desk. It was 5 pm. You spent too much time.

You couldn’t believe this was over. This. Jason in the library. Jason with the books. Jason having a reason to be with you all the time.

Calming down, you inched yourself closer to him. He looked so relaxed and heavenly watching you like you were the ocean so calm.

You didn’t know if you should be asking him. But you really wanted to. It could be a step. A small step. But a step nonetheless.

“Hey uhm,” you looked down at his shirt, of which you were playing the hem with your fingers. “Do you have to go home early tonight?”

“Not really,” he smiled. “I’m taking you home.”

“That’s the thing. See, I have this thing at the gym in five minutes. Rehearsals for tomorrow’s dance. Well, not rehearsals since I haven’t even picked a song. But they asked me to come over and test the mic…”

You stopped for a moment when he reached for your hair to hook it behind your ear.

“Would you wanna come?

He didn’t even flinch. “Sure.”

“Only if you don’t have any other plans… It won't take long though.”

“I’m alright. I’ll go with you anywhere.”

Biting both your lips, you hadn’t realized how amused you looked just staring at the ground.

“This is our last day here…”

You looked around at the books, at the walls, at the ceiling and windows.

It worried you when you thought of this day coming. That somehow your time with Jason would end along with your time in the library.

But no longer was that the case when he held your hand so tightly, watched your face move the way no one ever has ever cared about the littlest details on your face.

Thank you, you told the library.

\-----

The decorations in the gym were already halfway done, with snowflakes falling from the ceiling and some silver carpet to make the floor look like an ice rink. A stand was at the middle, which meant an ice sculpture was probably going to be fixed on top of it. Jason watched you take a snowflake in your hand.

“This is made out of construction paper and glitter,” you groaned in disgust.

“You two!” A short man with glasses and a clipboard went over to you. “You can start by blowing those boxes of balloons over there, then help with sticking them to the center of the stage.”

He pointed to a box which sat on the lowest seat on the bleachers.

“We’re not here to help-“

The man held his hips. “Oh¸ so you guys are just gonna stand there and watch us work?”

“I’m here for rehearsals.”

“And we don’t want any useless pricks lounging around while we work. The sound guys won't be here for another hour. Either you get out or help everyone else.”

“Listen here, you little Gollum shi-“

“We’ll help,” Jason soothed your back.

“Good.” He waved for you to the balloons again. “Help yourself.”

Jason walked you towards it and placed his hand on your back again.

“Jason-“

“Come on,” he squeezed your shoulder. “This is fine.”

“I don’t want to be here-“

“These are balloons. If anything, we’ll just sneak out.”

“Yeah. ‘Cuz that always brought us good before-“

“It won't be that bad.”

“We just finished a ten-week sentence and now you still wanna work?”

“It’s not work if you don’t think it’s work.”

“I didn’t even want to come here. Those assholes at the committee told me to come over and I swear I was about to shove their heads in a-”

“What if I told you I just want to spend more time with the girl I like?” He smiled. “Would you stay?”

You squirmed.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d be giggling beneath your breath. But you weren’t about to giggle. Not for another lightyear. Instead, you just gave in.

Biting back that giggling couldn;t stop the embarrassing grin from resurfacing.

“Fine.”

You and Jason sat beside each other on the seats, opened the box and took two air pumps that were inside it.

Jason took a balloon and blew air into it in four strong pumps. “This is easy enough.”

“Give me. I’ll tie it together.”

He gave you the balloon and you tied the end of it in a tight knot. “This is like when we did that damage check with the books.”

“Yeah,” you took another inflated balloon from him. “I say we make a great team.”

“We do,” Jason said and winked at you. You rolled your eyes and looked away so he wouldn’t see your face.

“What are you gonna sing tomorrow?”

“I don’t know.” Your eyes kept on Jason with the pump. The veins on his arms showed each time he flexed. “I’ll have to look into some song choices tonight.”

“Are you nervous?”

You shrugged. “Not really. I’ve done it a couple times.”

“You know, I’m still mad at how I’m basically the last to know in this whole school.”

“You baby.”

“Oh, we calling each other that now?”

God, this dickhead was going to be the death of you.

Scoffing at him and pretending that didn’t make you flush, you tied a strong knot and threw a balloon at him. He chuckled and threw it back.

“Stop. Or you’ll end up blowing them up.”

You threw another balloon at him. “No.”

He smushed a balloon into your face. “You know you can't win against me with this.”

He inflated another one and handed it to you, and you snatched it away, lightly hitting the top of his head with it once you tied the knot. “Whatever.”

You felt him smile at you while you looked away. For thirty minutes, you kept with the balloons until you placed them all in a sack.

You were at the stage with a box full of thumbtacks as you and Jason stuck the balloons onto the wall. “I prefer handling books, honestly.”

“I know. But we’ve got to stop getting into trouble just to hang out.”

Jason smirked at you. “So you purposely did all this just to hang out with me, do you?”

“You’re insane.”

“Y/N.”

“What?”

You turned to your side. But Jason wasn’t there. Your back suddenly felt just a little bit heavier and something was tickling the back of your legs. You looked down behind you.

Three balloons were stuck to the hem of your jacket. Jason was right behind you, laughing.

“YOU ASS.” You ripped the balloons off. “I’m gonna kill you one of these days.”

“I’m gonna kill you one of these days,” Jason mimicked your voice with an annoyingly high-pitched tone. Snarling at him, he neared his face to you. “You wouldn’t,” he whispered.

“Yeah. I would.”

“Nah,” he stuck two balloons onto the walls. “You like me too much.”

“I hate you.”

“Do you?” He lightly touched your nose with a balloon. Rolling your eyes, you went back to work. After a while, you held on to the bottom of a ladder while Jason was working on the balloons at the top.

“I know you have plans on murdering me, but I appreciate it if you don’t let me fall off a ladder.”

“Eh,” you said. “Ladders aren’t exactly what I’d use to kill people.”

“Are you actually admitting to being a serial killer?”

“Not at the moment, no.”

“Yeah,” he said, looking down at you as he stuck a balloon to the top. “You definitely are.”

Ever so slightly, you shook the ladder in your hands. Jason froze and held onto the wall. “NOT FUNNY.”

You laughed. “Totally is.”

“Y/N!” you heard someone say all the way from the sound systems at the back. “Why don’t you start testing out the microphone!”

Looking down at you, Jason grinned.

“You’re performing tomorrow, right?”

You kept holding onto the ladder. “Yeah!” you screamed back.

“Awesome. Give us a bit of a rehearsal so we can adjust the monitor.”

Jason walked down the ladder, hands on his pockets and smiling as he watched you walk over to the front. The stage made the rest of the gym look dark, and you could barely see anyone’s faces that were looking straight at you. “Lookin’ great!”

You rolled your eyes.

“Can you hear me?” you spoke into the mic, but you couldn’t hear much of your voice. The sound guys gave you a thumbs up.

“I can't hear myself,” you said. “Maybe turn me up a little.”

You squinted when you suddenly heard some laughing. The guys at the sound controls cried back. “Sure! I’d love to turn you up a little, baby!”

Jason’s smile dropped immediately and he looked like he was about to go up to those guys and stick the microphone up their asses.

“You little-”

“Just turn my voice up BEFORE I LET YOU INHALE THOSE WIRES ALL THE WAY DOWN YOUR INTESTINES,” you screamed at everybody in the gym

Jason stopped his tracks, looked back at you all wide eyed. Then his chuckle could be heard through the mic. You weren’t laughing with him, though.

Everyone had grown silent, with you glaring at the sound guys shivering at you. “Turning you up! S-sorry!”

Jason did not at all look faltered. Didn’t even flinch when you screamed.

“Nice,” he said.

Then you started with your singing. You tested the microphone until you could hear your voice perfectly. You didn’t exactly sing a full song. You just did runs with your voice and a few verses. Then when you turned to Jason, who looked like he had hearts for eyes, you chortled. “Alright. That’s good,” you told the guys.

Walking away from the microphone, you faced him.

It was just the two of you on stage.

“I can't wait for tomorrow.”

You bit onto your lip. “You know I hate dances.”

“Yeah,” he said, stepping forward. “I can tell.”

You looked straight at him without looking away even as he met your gaze and returned your flushed expression.

How was it, that every time you faced him, and he was looking at you the way he was now, that everything else around you just seemed to disappear?

It didn’t matter what you did, or where you were. Any other noise there was and all the people around had ceased to exist. Even with the cheap décor, Jason made everything look beautiful.

“Listen.”

Jason’s eyes were at the ground. “I know that, uhm, we don’t exactly have to go to the library anymore to hang out. And I know we’ll probably just see each other in class and in the hallways anyway so it’s not to say we won't be able to hang out.”

You nodded. “Yeah…”

“But,” he gulped. “I mean. We don’t have to. Like. I can still see you after school. We can stay at the library and study-“

“Study?” This boy was an absolute nerd.

“Not study! But, you know, just sit and talk. Or do whatever you like. It doesn’t have to be the library. I just, you know, hope we can still hang out. Outside of school maybe.”

His hands were deep in his jeans and his shoulders were slumped down. If this was his way of asking you out, he was way beyond being a nerd. This was just being adorable at this point. And he did look adorable.

“I can do that,” you smiled, your hands in front of you.

“There’s this Christmas market opening near your apartment. It opens tonight. Maybe you’d wanna go? Not necessarily tonight. Just, anytime you're free.” You could see the sweat down his forehead. “It’s mostly got food stalls and a bit of gift shops. It’s much nicer when it’s snowing, though.”

You watched him fumble, then he met your eyes, how lovingly they were staring at him, and it gave him the comfort he needed.

“We can go right now,” you said. “Even without snow, I’m sure it’s fine. Better than this.”

You pointed up at the cheap snowflakes almost falling out onto the ground and the balloons you stuck to the wall. Jason scratched the back of his head. “I would love that.”

“Awesome.”

Alone up on stage, with a few people in the gym and the blue and white lights shining from above you, Jason looked at you like you were brighter than any of those lights. “It’s a date.”

You looked down at his lips, and he took that chance to step even closer to you. You felt his hand hold your arm, and your own hand on his shoulder. He leaned down to your lips.

“HEY!”

You both pulled away and looked out at every other direction, hands in your pockets. The guy with a clipboard screamed from the bottom of the stage. “Finish those balloons up so we can go home!”

Jason turned to you. “We should-“

“Yeah.”

Fumbling back to the balloons, you worked in silence. Comfortable silence. The best kind of silence.

\-----

You held onto his waist, and he sped down to the plaza.

You’ve been to Christmas markets before. Though they weren’t exactly your style, looking at it now, you thought it looked magical.

The huts made of wood were lined up in aisles, with the walkway in between wide enough to be a street. Though there were no cars, it was big enough for dozens of people scattered about, some at the stalls, some just walking around, and some at the benches at the center. The roofs were covered in white cotton to look like snow, and on the inside, lit up with yellow lighting that contrasted nicely against the night’s deep blues. You could smell peppermint in the air, since there were a number of candy shops besides the ones with toys.

The end of the aisle turned over to the left, where even more shops were lined up, was a large Christmas tree standing as high as the buildings. There was a bright star on top, and the lights and ornaments glistened in bright reds, greens, and yellows.

It was exactly how they made Christmas towns look like in the movies. Normally, when you came up to a place like this, the beauty of it was the last thing you’d notice. Normally, you’d see what was wrong with everything and hate them. Not today, though. All you felt was warmth.

A cloud of smoke escaped your lips when you breathed. Jason walked beside you, down the street with the bustling of the crowd. “I’ll get you some coffee”

You nodded, then you went with him as he bought you a cup. Exactly the mix you wanted.

You were crazy over this boy.

The place was beautiful. And the lights were so bright, you couldn’t help but look around and marvel at everything you could see. You never admired so many things at once. The sounds of the people around you, the cold seeping through your toes, your shivering from the wind.

But even then, your eyes always trailed back to Jason. He was the most beautiful.

Handing you the cup, you walked slowly down the shops. “This place is really nice.”

“Yeah?” He seemed excited. “You like it?”

If it weren’t with him, you’d be so indifferent to the shops and the food that you wouldn’t bother to look around at all. But you were with him, and his smile made your stomach do flips and turns in the most wonderful, blissful way. You nodded. “I love it.”

This was a date. Your first date with Jason. Jesus, you’ve never been so excited and nervous over anything in your life.

You sipped on your coffee to calm yourself down.

“What will you be doing over winter break?”

You shrugged. “Probably be at home. We don’t exactly have plans for Christmas.”

“Me neither. We can go to… more places… together. If you like.”

You decided to drop the awkward façade and laugh at him. “Jeez, you’ve become a real dork, Todd.”

Jason’s nervousness mellowed down. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” You sipped at your coffee, looking straight at his eyes. “It’s adorable.”

“Hey,” he nudged your shoulder. “Don’t call me that.”

“Oh, I will.”

You turned over at the corner, where the Christmas tree was at the other end. “I’d love to, by the way. Go to places with you over the break.”

His smile warmed you up more than the coffee had that night. He bit his lip, then turned away.

After you bought two turkey legs, you sat on an empty bench so close to each other, and watched as people walked past you.

“Jay. Look.”

It was Ms. Peterson with who seemed to be her grandson. Barely five years old as you could tell. She was telling the boy off for dropping his ice cream cone.

Her grandson seemed to take after her though, since he was screaming back at her while crying.

“Jesus,” Jason leaned over to you. “Watch this.”

“MS. P!!!” he screamed.

The librarian turned to you both, horrified, then her grandson ran off into the other stall and she ignored Jason to go after him.

“I’ll miss her,” you said, biting into your turkey leg. “I can't believe it. But I will.”

“Yeah. I’ll miss everything about the library.”

Your shoulders touched as you turned to him. “Me too.”

You saw a bit of his food smudged near his lip, so you wiped it away with your finger. Jason never took his eyes off you while you did that.

You then slumped back onto the bench and continued with your turkey leg, talking just like you always had with him, with the frequent bickering and the teasing and the laughs you’d most often shared. Jason pressed his side right against yours.

And when the moment seemed perfect enough, when you just couldn’t help it anymore, you leaned your head against his shoulder.

Your eyes were locked onto the ground, but you could feel his were on you, head craned down and his lips lightly touching your hairline. Then he pressed his nose against your hair, inhaling, and he stayed that way for a little while. You didn’t want to move. You wanted him to keep holding you that way for the rest of the night. You never wanted to go home. You just wanted to be by his side.

You had so much to tell him. But it could have only boiled down to something so brief.

“Thank you,” you said.

He didn’t move, but you felt his nose against your forehead as he hummed. “For what?”

“Everything. For the past ten weeks.”

He sighed and pulled you closer. “I should be the one thanking you.”

His arm went around your shoulder and pulled you even closer. So close, even with the cold you felt warm. You shifted into his arm so he could encase you in it. He could rest his chin at the top of your head now, and with that, you closed your eyes.

Snow. The first snowfall of the year. You both looked up, feeling the light trickling into your skin, so freezing that your muscles were stuck on its lingering smiles. The music blaring from the speakers turned up. Christmas songs. Soft, mellow ones that weren’t so overplayed and annoying.

You couldn’t possibly have chosen a better night. It was perfect. And so beautiful. Your heart has never felt so pure. So lightly beating that the comfort it brought you sent you over the edge. You turned to look at Jason.

He’d been staring at you for quite some time.

But he didn’t look away this time. He kept his eyes on you, and yours on him. Inching forward, you felt his gloved hands ghost over yours.

You welcomed his fingers without an ounce of reluctance. Jason held your hand so tight, you felt like you’d never be able to slip away or fall or be of any distance apart from him.

And he looked so handsome, staring at you, so close to your face.

“Your face is all frozen,” he teased.

“I know.”

“You look like a porcelain doll.”

“Is that supposed to be a compliment?” you quirked an eyebrow.

“No,” he said. You rolled your eyes and stuck your tongue to the side of your mouth. “I hate you.”

Then you felt his hand tighten and his hot breath against your cold skin.

“Do you really hate me?”

Once, as a child, you stuck a pin into an electrical outlet wanting to know how it was like being shocked. You remembered the feeling; it was like being stabbed but with a billion needles down your nerves. And it made you jump. It was exactly that feeling, except it was wonderful. It had that same buzz, that same rush. But it was addicting. His eyes had that effect on you since the first time you sat this close to him.

“No,” you whispered. “I don’t.”

Rubbing your thumb down his palm, your other hand went to hold him as well. He was so close to you now. Jason looked so lovingly into your eyes, it was the only thing more beautiful than the moon on nights when it was cloudless.

“Do you hate me?” you asked him.

And when you thought you finally caught your breath, his finger trailed down your cheek.

“Not even a little bit.”

Silence. Comfort. Depth. Beauty.

Just ten weeks ago, you thought the world hated you as much as you hated the world. You thought growing soft would render you so vulnerable that you’d never be able to succeed in its cruelties, that if you didn’t have your defenses up all the time, you’d lose yourself.

But with a world that brought you here, where you couldn’t even find just one thing you could say you hate. When you loved the way your boots sounded walking down the wooden planks, when the bright yellow lights of the stalls contrasted greatly in the night, when the Christmas tree brought you as much hope inside you, gifts that couldn’t be held, when you loved the way the snow fell to your cheeks, how nicely the cold trickled past your clothes.

When someone you could look at all day without ever growing tired of how his jaw clenches, how his nose scrunches, how his eyebrows narrow, or how his teeth bite his lips. When you could never grow tired of talking about anything, knowing he wants you for you, how you never started out having to change yourself, yet here he was, holding you so delicately you could break.

How, despite everything you are, despite everything you’ve done, he held you like you were the most precious, valuable treasure in his hands.

Jason. Jason.

You couldn’t hate the world as much. Not anymore. Not when you had him.

You couldn’t possibly ask for a better first date. At almost midnight, Jason took you to your apartment. He walked you to the steps, still holding your hand. The snow had slowed down yet everything went on to feel cool when blowing against your warmth. Under a single lamp post, your hands in your coat, you looked up at him.

“Tonight was amazing.”

“It was,” he whispered.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. At the dance.”

“I can't wait.”

Something jumped. Deep inside your chest. You froze to the ground when Jason leaned in, and ever so gently, placed his lips on your cheek.

You closed your eyes and felt him so close. He was so perfect.

Jason watched you go up the steps, walking into your apartment. “Good night, Jason.”

“Good night, Y/N.”

You didn’t even wait until the door was closed when you smiled the brightest smile you’ve had in a really, really long time.


	10. Thank You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the mid-series finale! Which means I'll be taking a break from this series for a while and continue with Part 11 after a few days! Thank you so much for all you readers out there

It just had to be tonight.

_Two hours, he said. It will be fine, he said._

Son of a bitch, it wasn’t fine. It wasn’t even close to being fine.

Robin had been at this since three in the afternoon and only now did they manage to reach the last layer of Falcone’s latest shipment. He didn’t want to come. Not tonight. But no, Batman insisted that he come and that he’d make it to the dance by six.

But it just had to be that one night that they deal with the largest drug raid they’ve had to deal with in his whole fucking career. _Mother fucker, he was so late._ He wanted to scream.

It didn’t just have to be a warehouse by the port. No. Falcone had these all sent with a jet from Mexico to a warehouse big enough to be Ace fucking Chemicals. Room after room with three sets of reinforcements every minute.

Seven o’ clock. He only had so much time.

Robin busted the door open with nothing else but his foot and threw four batarangs locked onto the muzzles of the shotguns. Five of them in the room. He rolled on the floor, kicking a table below the surface and slammed it right on top of a thug’s body. Feeling something come from behind, Robin backflipped in the air, let the man run right past him, so his boot would land right on the back of his neck.

One of them grabbed him from behind. Robin thrashed about, then kicked any incoming attack while his arms desperately pried their hold on him open. Throwing his head behind him, he headbutted the man and elbowed his shoulder.

_She was gonna kill him. She was so gonna kill him._

He used a batclaw to grab one of them, hold him right against his chest and slam his head right into his friend’s skull. Faster. Even faster. He kept moving without sparing a second. Robin launched himself up the ceiling, grabbed a beam and jumped right an armed thug’s shoulders. “Wanna dance, pretty boy?!” one of them screamed.

“Love to.”

A batarang landed on his shoulder. Robin launched at him, landed a punch right to his gut and backed away before he could swing back. His knee landed on his groin, sending him to the ground only to be taken down by his elbow to the chest.

His speed helped with dodging the gunshots. But really. That was the least in his mind right now. Grabbing a man by the collar, Robin landed punch after punch right at his face, not stopping until he was unconscious. “ _I REALLY. HAVE TO. GO NOW.”_

Even more reinforcements came in. “ _OH, COME ON!!!”_ he screamed.

Throwing a smoke bomb to the ground, Robin grappled to the ceiling, taking them out one by one and leaving them to hang on the metal beams. He jumped and landed right into an armed man’s back. His batclaw grabbed onto a steel table, and with his immense strength, he dragged it across the room to concuss everyone in its way. He was moving so fast that if he worked like this all the time, he might actually have a good night’s rest on the daily.

“Batman!” he screamed into his comms. “How much longer!?”

“This should be the last one.”

“Can't I just go?”

“No,” Batman sternly said before turning off his communicator. Grunting as he ducked from an incoming hit, Robin kicked the man by his legs, grabbed his shoulder then hauled him over his back and onto the ground with a large slam.

He grappled back up to the ceiling and moved through the pipes to avoid the gun shots. With a large enough kick, Robin dismantled one of the pipes, gripped on it tightly with his gloves, then jumped back to the ground and started hitting his opponents with it right to the head. “ _ROBIN_ ,” Batman screamed into his ear.

He was almost killing these guys with just that pipe. Throwing it against the wall with a loud, frustrated groan, Robin went back to just his fists, moving even faster than he already was. He kicked every crotch that wasn’t guarded, punched every face he could see, repeatedly.

He ended up missing a giant hit to the face with the butt of a machine gun. “ _FUCK_ ,” he yelled.

He had to do this quick. There was no way he’ll make it if he wastes more time.

Rolling on the floor to narrowly miss the bullets, he jumped up the boxes, taunting and annoying the hell out of the armed men aiming for him. At the corner, there were gas tanks piled up on top of each other, barely enough to blow up the whole room.

So he grabbed each of them, and with his bare hands, threw them all the way across the room to the center. It missed the targets, but that wasn’t what he was going for.

Robin started jumping around again, leaping from the beams and jumping from one crate to another. He waited until they crowded, until they were close enough to each other to take up just enough space.

Then when they were just the right distances away from the tanks, he threw three very explosive batarangs.

They exploded upon contact, blowing up everyone around to different parts of the room.

It was followed by the silence that made him want to leap for joy. Robin pressed on his communicator. “Batman. This room’s clear.”

“A car is waiting for you at school. Have fun”

“ _FUCKING FINALLY!_ ”

One last foot to a body he saw twitching, Robin practically skipped out of the warehouse, grappling up the skylight and jumping from the top of the roof onto the snowy fields. He was running to the batmobile, barely able to catch his breath when he pressed on his wrist to call on his bike.

Fifteen minutes. _Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._

Speeding into the wide open road at the highest speed possible, he ignored the cold that seeped through his suit, how his face had basically frozen like uncooked meat in a freezer. He pulled the throttle, driving as fast as he could and slowing down only when he saw a number of cars at the edges of the city.

He squeezed through every empty space he could find and almost broke every traffic law imaginable. He regained his speed when there weren’t any cars, slowed down when there were and almost drove through the sidewalk when the time desperately called for it.

The school was all the way on the other side of town. And just as he turned at an intersection, three lanes of cars were honking and had taken up every space he could find from that distance. Screaming into his helmet, he looked up at the rooftops.

_Ten minutes. Fuck._

“Alfred. I know Batman would never approve of this, but-“

“On its way, sir. Let’s not tell Master Bruce about this.”

Though he definitely would find out eventually, he didn’t exactly have much of a choice. Robin drove to an alley, grappling up the rooftop with his legs gripping around the motorcycle so it would drive all the way up the wall, he skidded on the roof, panting as he anxiously waited. _Nine minutes._

He couldn’t possibly miss this. Not even if his life depended on it. Everything was going so well with you, he couldn’t just mess this up with a simple turn of events against his favor. If he could, he never would’ve gone with Batman at all, never mind the scolding he’d get afterwards.

Feeling the air around him shift and move faster than any wind could push, he looked up. The Batwing, in all its glory, lowered itself down and opened up for him. “Thanks, Alfred.”

“She must be some girl, sir.”

“Oh, she is.”

The Batwing sped above the traffic he otherwise never would’ve went past through. In the air, he looked through the cockpit windows, since the jet flew on autopilot, and collected himself. He can make it. He was so going to make it.

He was nervous. It wasn’t even about the dance or the fact that it was the first one he’s ever had to go to in his life. He couldn’t care less about any of that. But he did care about you.

And you were about to go on stage and sing for the whole school.

The Batwing dropped Robin off at a nearby alleyway. And after two short minutes, a handsome Jason Todd fixing the buttons of his suit came out.

He puffed up his collar, left the first button of his dress shirt open with his tie loosely around his neck. He kept moving while he was at it, pushing the school’s entry doors open. Thank God for the cold, otherwise he’d be swimming in his sweat. Jason combed down his hair with his fingers, despite it staying unruly, fixed the cuffs of his sleeve and walked straight into the gym.

_Two minutes to spare._

Did he look okay? He must have looked okay. His suit wasn’t _that_ bad. It fit him pretty good, in fact. He’s worn it to a few of Bruce’s parties but only now did he actually care about what he looked like. Pulling on his jacket, he surveyed the heavily crowded gym, looking past the balloons and falling snowflakes. You had to be here somewhere. He could see the band on stage still fixing their instruments. Good.

“Alright, people! Let’s give it up for Y/FN! Come on!”

The audience roared in applause, hands in the air. He could hear Penny’s voice scream your name from the front. He had to be up there. He couldn’t possibly miss this being blocked by some heads.

Jason pushed through the crowd, murmuring ‘excuse me’ every second and pushing the shoulders of people giving him dirty looks. His heart was beating so fiercely, it wasn’t nearly like beating up almost a hundred thugs in a single night.

He had to make sure you could see him. He wanted to let you know he was there, supporting and cheering for you just in case you needed a bit of a boost. He knew you weren’t nervous. But the thought of making you happy just from seeing him in the crowd, it made him want to do it alone.

Jason reached the front, but he was at the far left. He could see the stage clearly, though. That was what mattered.

Then you came out on stage.

A black dress, with a leather jacket over your shoulders and dark, thin tights that went all the way down your combat boots. Your make up looked perfect, and your movements so graceful and confident it wasn’t as if you were facing such a crowd at all. Your head was held high, and your smile so subtle, yet so charming that the crowd couldn’t help but cheer for you. You held the mic at the stand, looking around the room.

Jason’s hands stopped fidgeting and his legs stopped shaking. He calmed. So easily, he did. And when you turned to meet his eyes, you gave him that soft smirk that practically made the whole crowd of people around him disappear.

You were so perfect.

The guitar started playing and you held the mic. You faced the crowd, heaved your chest to breathe in, then sang.

_“It's been a long time since I came around_

_Been a long time but I'm back in town_

_And this time I'm not leaving without you_

_You taste like whiskey when you kiss me oh_

_I'd give anything again to be your baby doll_

_This time I'm not leaving without you”_

Jason’s eyes were so wideset, still in an apparent shock like it was the first time he’s ever heard you. Often, when you sung, you’d hesitate and keep it on the low. You blended your voice in a perfect falsetto on the higher side and kept your voice low, too low for him to even hear properly. You weren’t hiding it, but it was so different now.

Now, it practically ripped his chest and stole every bit of his heart like the song was made _precisely_ for him. The crowd went wild. You were singing your heart out, belting notes so high the hairs at the back of his neck and basically everywhere else in his body stood up and froze him in his place on the ground.

You threw your head back, eyes closed, then you caught his eye.

“ _Something, something about this place_

_Something, something about lonely nights_

_And my lipstick on your face_

_Something, something, something about my cool Nebraska guy_

_Yeah something about baby you and I!_

_It's been two years since I let you go_

_I couldn't listen to a joke or Rock and Roll_

_Muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart_

_On my birthday you sang me a heart of gold_

_With a guitar humming and no clothes_

_This time I'm not leaving without you!”_

You felt the song like it came right from your soul. Your hair thrown back, your occasional glances right into his eyes. Jason’s breath had basically stopped by now. So did his heartbeat. He walked closer to you, despite the onlooking crowd. He just couldn’t look away.

You definitely looked mean. Terrifying. Dangerous. Basically everything anyone would describe you at first glance. You weren’t smiling when you sang. In fact, you sung with the anger you had stored inside, the anger he understood more than anyone else. And if this was your outlet, if this was how you show to the world and make it so mesmerizing to see, by god, it was beautiful.

 _You_ were **beautiful** , in almost every possibly way he could describe. He’s never looked at anyone the way he was looking at you right now. Mouth to the floor, his chest hurting like it was twisted, his stomach leaping across the room, and his hands sweating like he was facing the sun.

And if it wasn’t you, it was the song. It had to be meant for him. It just had to be.

_“You and I_

_You you and I_

_Nebraska_

_I'd rather die_

_Without you and I!”_

The guitar’s shrieks matched your belts, and you sang with so much emotion even he was moved just from the sight of you. The song ended, and you bowed with a light smile on your face before waving at the crowd cheering for you like you were a star.

Jesus.

_Jesus._

He’s never felt so aware of the flush on his face, his eyes looking up at you like you were a deity, his throat clenching every second, and his sweat pouring out of his hairline despite the obvious cold.

This was the feeling? This was what Dick was talking about when he mentions all the women he’s ever been with and coo over them like he was insane? Fuck, _was_ he insane? Does all this have to do with sanity? Because it totally fucking felt like it did.

It was nothing compared to the rush he felt on patrol when his actual life was on the line, when he’d face the Joker head on or Cobblepot or even fucking Nygma. Even in the middle of the fight, when his mind is at its pinnacle, thinking fast and acting just as fast, the rapid beating in his chest still was incomparable to how he felt just looking at you.

He never had so many things race to his mind all at the same time, but couldn’t even bring up any complete thought like the idiot he definitely was. The host was back on stage, and you walked down, heading to his direction. The moment you turned and found him, walking to him with a knowing smirk on your face, he couldn’t think of a single fucking word to say.

“I-I…” he stuttered.

But your eyes brought that comfort. The same from the day before, and the day before that. When he’d grow so nervous but the moment you looked at him like he was the absolute best thing in the world, the throbbing in his whole body would come to an eventual calm.

Yeah.

_Yeah._

Ace was right. The fucking dog was right.

Jason was in love with you.

Undeniably, immensely, exceedingly, excessively, wonderfully, remarkably, absolutely, without a doubt, in love with you.

\-----

You stood in front of him, gawking at you so much it was adorable. You had to bite into your gums. You were gawking at him as well. Maybe even more. _God,_ the sight of him in a suit. His tie barely fixed, his button open and his hands stuck to his pockets in the most laid back, effortless way but still extremely handsome to look at. You could stare and drool over him all day.

It took a bit of time before he could actually say anything. He was nervous, his head craning down and his hand scratching the back of his head more than he probably should. Jason was adorable like this. And if you could, you’d pull out your phone right now and take as many pictures of him as you could. But you wanted to enjoy the moment with your own eyes, a moment no picture could possibly recreate. Taking another step towards him, you started to fix his tie.

“You’re looking real good,” you teased. The moment you touched him with your fingers lightly grazing his chest, you felt him stiffen like a pole. But you kept your eyes on him, silently telling him to relax. He smiled with his teeth so bright and cleared his throat. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” you said, brushing the sleeves of your jacket. “How’d I do?”

He bit on both his lips, looking at the ground. You couldn’t help but laugh. “Earth to Todd.”

He shook his head and squinted at you, but after a moment of gathering his thoughts, admiring the details on your face like he wanted to memorize you, he finally spoke.

“You were… uhm. I just… I… wow…”

He was vigorously rubbing the back of his neck, and you just felt embarrassed at this point. But you wanted to take another step tonight. With him. You took his hand, holding it tight and encasing your fingers with his. His nerves mellowed down, and he stepped towards you. Your chest was touching his now, and with a smile on your faces, you whispered, “Wanna get out of here?”

“After you,” he winked. Then with his hand on your back, he led you out towards the exit of the gym, past the crowding people dancing to the blaring music. You hated every bit of it. The dance itself repulsed you. Thank God, Jason was here.

Turning to the side, you saw a girl looking at him, biting her lip and her eyes so wide you were sure she would’ve come up to him if he didn’t have you by his side. Pursing your lips, flaring your nostrils, and glaring at her with your eyes narrowed and focused, she caught your look and immediately stepped back, drinking from her punch and looking around the room pretending she wasn’t caught.

Then as if nothing happened, you looked back at Jason and smiled. “Saw that,” Jason said.

Grunting, you stepped closer to him. “Get used to it, Todd.”

And your heart jumped when he kissed your hair, his hand now around your shoulders. Your arm went around his waist and you both walked out of the campus.

Outside at the driveway, Jason led you to his car.

The man brought a fucking Ferrari to the dance.

“Jesus Christ, Jason. You really didn’t have to-“

“Bruce has a lot of them. Trust me.” He held your chin and craned your head up to look at him. “It would help to impress you, too.”

You stuck your tongue to the side of your mouth as Jason opened the car door for you. “You don’t seem so nervous anymore.”

“Trust me. I’m sweating like a madman.”

He walked over to the other side of the car and started the ignition. You felt excited. A whole night just with him. A whole night with no end in sight. Every night should be like this. And it should never, ever end.

He drove smoothly out into the road. “I’m in the mood for some tacos.”

“Taco Bell, it is.”

“You know _exactly_ how to charm a girl, Todd.”

“Thanks,” he grinned at you and turned up the music.

“I didn’t see you before the performance. I thought you wouldn’t make it.”

“Sorry. Something came up. I went in just before you started, thank fuck. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Your smile was undeniable. “I haven’t exactly performed in front of a crowd for a while. I’m just glad it’s over.”

He looked at you. “Well, now that I’ve caught my breath, I can tell you exactly what I think.”

“Which is?”

“You were amazing. And perfect. And beautiful. The song was great, but you made it even better. I never thought you’d go so well with Lady Gaga, but shit, you sung it better than everyone else on this fucking planet,” he smiled. “I couldn’t tear my eyes away from you.”

Your mouth parted and you looked at him with the most glistening eyes. He kept his eyes on the road, so with nothing else to say back, you looked onwards and pretend that didn’t just make you want to scream.

“You know what,” you pulled out your phone, connecting it to the speakers in the car and scrolled through the songs. “I’ve done my part. You're next, Todd. Sing for me.”

“No way.”

“Yes. It’s only fair.”

“There’s no way I can sing right after you and keep a straight face.”

“Just sing, you dickhead.”

The song started to play.

“ _There are places I'll remember_

 _All my life, though some have changed._ Come on, Jay. Sing!”

Jason turned his head to you for a moment, and when he saw you swaying in your seat, singing along like it was the most fun thing to do, he started.

“ _All these places had their moments._

_With lovers and friends, I still can recall._

_Some are dead, and some are living_

_In my life, I've loved them all”_

You cheered and laughed along with him, singing along with him. He definitely could carry a tune. He was good, even.

So at the next verse, you stopped singing and let him go on his own.

“ _Though I know I'll never lose affection_

_For people and things that went before_

_I know I'll often stop and think about them_

_In my life I'll love you more”_

You wanted to scream from the giddiness that made you feel. He gave you a dirty look, but eventually laughed when he saw you clapping for him. You and Jason kept singing, finishing the song until the next one played. You had an entire playlist of The Beatles on your phone, and you listen to them constantly.

But you’ve never quite enjoyed them the way you are now.

You got to the drive thru, ordered enough tacos to feed five people, then Jason drove over to a Walmart parking lot, where not many cars were around at this time, the lamp posts were bright, and there was absolutely no one else around but you.

It was cold, but manageable. You and Jason walked out from the front seats of the car, opened the trunk at the back so you could sit there, legs hanging off the edge and have the view of the highway with speeding cars.

You set your food in between, then you swung your legs around as you took the first bite out of your taco. Jason’s bite practically finished half of the whole thing, so you watched his jaw, clenching the way you just loved watching.

You still hadn’t gotten over the view of him in a suit. With your eyes still stuck to him, you took a bite with your mouth wide open.

“Hold on,” he said, taking out his phone. “I gotta do this.”

With food still in your mouth, Jason snapped a picture of you. “ _DUDE._ ”

He laughed and you took his phone from his hands, shaking your head. You didn’t look so bad. But your mouth was all full and you looked at him all clueless and annoyed. You nudged his shoulder, then his phone accidently went into his home screen.

His wallpaper was of you. At the football field. You were looking away so you didn’t notice he’d taken a picture at all. Stopping, Jason snatched his phone back and stuffed it into his pocket awkwardly silent.

Damn the fluttering. It was back again. You looked away, watching a car speed by as you continued to eat your taco.

“I hope that doesn’t freak you out.”

You bit on your tongue, reluctant, but he was looking away from you all embarrassed and adorable, you didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable.

So with a sigh, you took out your own phone and showed him your own wallpaper.

It was of him, his shoulder leaned against the shelf of the library while he read his book. His shirt was thin, and with the angle, you could perfectly see his arms and the details of his face. Fighting back a grin, Jason blushed and looked back away so you wouldn’t be able to see how much he was smiling.

“Uhm,” he cleared his throat. “When did you take that?”

“A few weeks ago. Right after that trip to the house.”

He licked his lips. “This is awkward. But can I take another picture of you? Right now?”

You quirked up an eyebrow.

“You just look so… you know…”

“Dork,” you teased. Then he happily took out his phone, pointed it at you, then you faced him and smirked.

He took a second to look at you outside of his camera, then he took a whole lot of pictures even at the same angle. Rolling your eyes, you then took out your own phone. “Your turn.”

With a shy grin, you didn’t wait for him to look at the camera. You took pictures of him smiling at you, smiling at the ground, biting his lips, him just being him.

“You know what,” you said, breaking the silence. “Let’s have another round of truth or dare.”

“I don’t see much grass for me to make you eat, but let’s do it.”

“You make me eat grass one more time I’ll make you lick that lamppost.”

He stood back. “Fine.”

“You start,” you said, leaning back and swinging your legs in the air.

“Truth.”

“Did you listen to me sing that night at the library?”

Jason chuckled, rubbing his chin. “I thought you didn’t notice.”

“I saw your smile, Todd.”

“Alright. Fine. You got me. I did. It was the first time and I wasn’t exactly sure what to do.”

You playfully hit his shoulder with your fist.

“I can't believe you fucking knew.”

“Oh I did,” you winked. “I also know about those times when you turned off your music and pretended to listen with your earphones when I was humming and shit.”

“Fuck.”

He pushed you to the side with his shoulder. “Your turn. Say truth.”

“Why?”

“’Cuz I got a question for you.”

“Fine. Truth.”

Jason said, “I asked you about what you hated. Now tell me about the things you love.”

 _You_ ¸ you wanted to say.

“Wow,” you sighed. “I love coffee. Obviously. I love it when it rains. I love the color black. I love singing. I love movies a lot. Aaand I guess I love Edgar Allan Poe’s stories now.”

You tilted your head to him. “That’s it?” he said.

“Eh,” you shrugged. “Maybe a bunch of other things as well.”

Keeping your eyes on the highway, you breathed hard. “Okay. Say dare.”

“Dare.”

You liked how he trusted you. “Tell me something you never wanted me to know.”

“Fucking hell.”

He laid back, his weight on his arms, then thought for a moment.

“Well. I guess I never would’ve wanted to let you know at that time. But when we started at the library, I was actually kind of excited it was with you.” He scratched the back of his head. “I thought you were… you know… hot. You were really mean-still are-and I wanted to kill you a lot of times. But gosh, you’re really pretty.”

“Jesus,” you blushingly looked away. “You’re a huge nerd, Todd.”

“Shut up.” He smiled. “Your turn.”

“Dare.”

“Show me all the pictures you have of me on your phone.”

“Oh my GOD,” you screamed.

He watched you close your eyes, flinching when he nudged your shoulder. “Come on.”

“Fine. Here.”

You gave him your phone unlocked, then he went to the photo albums. You leaned your chin against his shoulder, which made him stop, look at you for a while, before scrolling again.

“I look good in that,” he said, opening a picture of him reading at the table across from you. He went past even more. Some of him from the house, some saved from his social media account. You had quite a number in your albums. Embarrassed, you snatched the phone back and dug it into your pocket. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he held your hand. “My turn now. Truth.”

You didn’t know if you should be asking this, but you really wanted to. Sighing, you spoke, “When did you start to… you know…”

“What?”

You looked shyly at him, letting your hair fall down to your face as if you were purposely hiding it. You pushed it behind your ear, then looked at him.

“Oh,” Jason returned your expression and looked at the ground.

“I don’t think I can point out the exact moment. Since it came so gradually. It just grew on me. _You_ grew on me… But I think I can tell you when I realized that all these feelings were there in the first place. I figured it all out one day at the library. After we went to the house. You were on the other side of the shelf and you didn’t know I was there. I was just minding my own business with the shelves.

But then I saw you through the books. Between the spaces. I could only see so much of your face, but when you moved, I got to see more of you. You were silent, reading that Poe collection book. Your hair was pulled back and I could just watch how your face moved and how your eyes trailed along the words. I saw you being so invested in something I showed you. Something that I loved, too. And I found myself staring at you for… I don’t even know how long… I think that’s when I knew.”

His eyes trailed back to you, and you were as frozen as he was when he watched you on stage. “That was the night I tore the library apart to find you the other Poe collection. I just thought you’d want to read it.”

Your breaths were slow, and you glanced at his lips when he tightened his hand around yours. “How bout you? When did you realize?”

“Uhm,” you cleared your throat. “This might sound stupid-“

“Try me.”

You shook your head. You knew the moment. You knew exactly when it was. It played on your mind so much you thought you went insane right after that.

“You were taking me home. I really didn’t want to go home yet. But I had to. I think you knew about that, so you decided to go around town for a few blocks and take as much time as you needed.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I remember that.”

“I was at the back of your motorcycle. A bunch of cars stuck in traffic. I had my arms around you the same way I usually do, but after the light went green, I didn’t notice I started to lose my grip. So at the next stop, you took both my hands.” You cleared your throat. “And pulled them tighter around your waist so I wouldn’t fall off...”

You were about to cry. You couldn’t believe you were about to cry. But you fought it and kept going.

“Your hands held me for a while, and you made sure I kept them there until you sped off again. You told me to be careful. And I did. I never lost my grip after that…”

You could recall that night for every second you were awake. And you did. Every day, you thought back on how warm his hands were, how delicately he touched you, how much it seemed that he thought about what you felt, made sure you were calm and safe and secure. There was not a single selfish bone in his body.

“You have no idea how much that hit me…”

Jason must have had the same face as you had on, because his hand went over to cup the side of your cheek, running his thumb across your skin.

A car furiously sped through the highway, skidding across the road. It was then followed by two other police cars driving just as fast. The noise made you both jump. Clearing your throats, you pulled away and looked straight forward to catch your breaths.

Jason coughed and placed all the wrappers in a bag. “Come on. I saw a skateboard out in the parking lot.”

“A skateboard?”

He smiled at you. “Don’t know how to ride one?”

“No, and I don’t plan to.”

“Just come on.” He grabbed your hand, pulling you away to the empty parking lot after he’d locked the door on the car.

It was standing against the lamp post. And it didn’t look broken. Jason took it, placed it on the ground, then balanced himself on top of it. Crossing your arms, you watched him as he slowly skateboarded around the driveway making circles around you. You took pictures of him, but after a while, you just wanted to enjoy the moment as it was.

Jason, in a suit, his loose tie in the air while he skated around an empty lot, it was quite the sight to see. He was so fucking handsome and cute and hot, you just wanted to scream at the sight of him like a little girl. You watched his hair bounce, his hands skillfully balancing himself in the air, his suit fitting his muscles so perfectly. His skin glistened under the single bulb of the lamppost and he occasionally glanced at you with that cheeky grin. There was that fluttering again. _Jeez._

He jumped and the board flipped under him. “Damn,” you said. Then he skated his way closer to you.

“Hold on,” you said. You went to a lamppost, where you saw a bit of junk placed around it so carelessly, then you took a traffic cone and placed it on the center.

“Jump over that.”

“What do I get?”

You tilted your head. “If you ollie over that, you get to teach me how to skate.”

“I accept that challenge.”

Jason went over to the far side of the parking lot, looking at you and bending his knees. You saw him take a deep breath, looking right in front of him, then with his hooded eyes, he raced to the cone.

You could hear the wheels skid when he sped through the cement grounds, then with his feet skillfully pushing the back of the board, he leapt up in the air with a decent formation, a proud, yet focused look on his face.

Then he landed right on the cone’s head, smushing it flat just as he hit the ground.

“Jealous?”

“Not really. I told you to jump _over_ that, not mutilate its guts out.”

He built up his pace, going around you and letting his jacket flow with the wind.

“Come on. Deal’s a deal,” he said, stopping in front of you and almost slamming against you in the front. You shook your head, but he took both your hands, walked over to the other side of the board, and you slowly placed one foot on top of it.

“Good. Now use your other foot to push yourself.”

You did just that, then you started to move. You struggled to balance yourself but his hold on you was strong and secure. You lost your focus on the ground once when you glanced at him laughing as he gripped on your arms tight, and you almost fell on your feet.

“Just put both your feet on the board. I’ll move you around.”

“Don’t you dare let me fall.”

He looked up at you then winked.

You kept laughing and tumbling over your balance, but Jason held onto your elbows, and you on his, and he moved you around. “ _JASON_!” you screamed when you almost shook.

“I got you.” Under the lamppost, and then into the darker shades, you and Jason laughed your hearts out. He started building up the pace, and you screamed and held onto him with your life, but he was practically running across the parking lot until you jumped off the board on your feet.

“Again,” you coughed, still catching your breath. You stepped back onto the board, held onto his large arms, then went back to running you around the lot with your shrieks filling the empty air.

Then Jason held your waist, and you on his shoulder. You smiled at him before he pushed you around on the board, now smoother than the first time. Your body felt more secure, more at home. His hands were so warm on you, holding you under your jacket. You just wanted to lean into him.

Something cold pierced your skin. So cold, in fact. Then it went to your hair, your jacket, Jason’s face.

It was fucking raining.

And it looked like it was only gonna get so much stronger. You shrieked playfully as you shielded your head, grabbing Jason’s arm so you could pull him back to the car. He ran with you, laughing and covering his own head.

But then he pulled away and, so suddenly, grabbed your body to haul you up over his shoulder. “ _JASON, DON’T YOU DARE-“_

He laughed and stopped running, holding you up with your legs kicking in the air, your hands tapping on his back.

_“DON’T BE AFRAID OF A LITTLE RAIN, Y/N.”_

It wasn’t a little rain. It was starting to really pour down onto you. You kept laughing, Jason twirling you around up in the air. And you never felt so cold with the freezing temperature mixed with the droplets landing onto your exposed skin. But you weren’t shivering. You never felt so alive. Jason put you down, but kept on holding onto you when you tried to get away. He held you from behind, nuzzling his face into your neck. Your laughter was so beautiful when mixed with his own.

Your hair was absolutely drenched by now. So were the rest of your clothes. Your face was freezing. Jason’s suit was soaked and his hair had stuck to his forehead, flat on his head in a cute mess.

“ _HOLY SHIT, IT’S FREEZING._ ” You screamed.

 _“I KNOW._ ”

So you freed yourself from Jason’s grasp, holding both his hands and swaying them around. You didn’t run away. You just enjoyed the rain. The cold. The breeze. You looked up at the sky and felt the muscles on your face being pierced by the prickling needles of the cold. Jason looked up with you.

Then your eyes caught each other, and your bright smiles started to mellow down.

Jason held your waist, pulled you so close to him that his chest gave you the warmth you needed not to shiver so much. And you returned with your arms around his neck, your feet stepping so close to him. The rain kept pouring, onto your faces, onto your bodies. But you stopped moving.

His eyes. _His eyes._ The way they looked down at you. The way they made you want to leap to the sky. Your other hand went up to his hair, entangling the wet strands within your fingers. Your foreheads touched, then your eyes closed.

You both leaned in at the same time.

Your first kiss had a slow, steady beat of a song playing at the background, and you couldn’t possibly have asked for anything better to pull together a moment so beautiful, something that never truly left your mind. The song stuck to you like an ear worm, but in the best possible way. Because every time it was played, or when you thought of the song unconsciously muttering the lyrics, you could remember the feel of his lips, the feel of his body on top of you, the feel of the grass beneath you and basically everything about that night.

Now, there didn’t have to be music. You’d easily remember this moment each time it rained, or each time you felt cold, or each time you were in a parking lot or each time you saw a fucking skateboard. His lips, cold from the rain, warmed up at the first touch against yours and moved so lovingly gentle, so perfectly in sync, that it was just as magical as the first time.

You pulled on his head, biting on his lip, letting his tongue passionately play with yours the tighter he held onto your waist. You pulled back to catch your breath, but he leaned back in to pull you back before you had the chance.

His lips were still so gentle, growing more numb overtime the more you moved, the more you placed your hands around him. Jason held the sides of your face and you pulled on his waist, beneath his jacket where you could feel the ripples of his strong body with his dress shirt so wet. 

Slowly, reluctantly, he stopped, his forehead still pressing closely against yours as you saw him gulp. He opened his eyes and looked into yours like he was about to cry. Holding the side of his face, he whispered.

“I think I’m in love with you…”

Your chest rising, your ears ringing and the sound of the rain so painfully roaring into the night, your hold on him tightened.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed. “Th-that’s not too soon, is it? I understand if you-“

You smashed his lips back against yours and kissed him harder than you ever had. You held his neck, his shoulders, then down his arms until you held his waist. No, it wasn’t too soon. It was perfect. And it was the best thing anyone has ever said to you your whole life.

He kissed you back, but then you pulled away.

“I think…” you whispered back. “I think I’m in love with you, too.”

Soft. Like a slow, beautiful dance. Your heart raced before settling into a comfortable warmth. Jason’s grin was one you’d have to remember for the rest of your days. You pulled him back for another kiss, ignoring the rain, ignoring the speeding cars in the highway. You were practically arching your back from the way he held onto your waist, leaning in like he just wanted to be one with you.

You loved Jason. You wanted to protect him. You wanted him to be happy for all the days so long as you were alive. You wanted him at your side every second you were awake. you wanted his beautiful smile to be at your cause. You wanted the world to be in favor of him.

You never wanted him to get hurt. And with your distrust towards the world, how your cynicism might never go away, a torch in the darkest night has given you a purpose to go on with hope.

You loved him.

One of these days, maybe you’d have to thank that Maxwell guy for spilling his coffee onto your project. Maybe you’d have to thank the Vice Principal for being so hard on you with the punishments. Maybe even Ms. Peterson, for giving you and Jason more reasons to have fun in the library.

So yeah. Maybe it wasn’t so bad being sentence to being library assistance for the longest, most eventful, and eventually the best ten weeks of your life.


	11. Moments

**Then**

Ever felt that first drop of rain after a long, painful drought? The one that sticks to your skin and promises an end to a hopeless, barren wasteland? Or the first taste of cool, glistening water running down your throat after a day’s tireless work? It pushes you further into a brighter, better day ahead, makes you believe something so great is going to happen. And it was. Something was ahead of you. Something so beautiful, something that was yours and only yours to take.

Everything felt lighter when you know good things were about to come, even better when you were aware you were going through those good things right at that moment. And it only takes a second to realize that, that these moments were to last forever, that nothing could possibly get better than this. An image instilled in your head that lasts for all your years, an image nothing can make you forget. And it can be a place, a person, a song, or even a movie. Everyone knew _something_ was different. And it all began in the library.

The library. Oh, the damned, beautiful library.

There was something different in it indeed. A freshman girl, with braids down the sides of her head and her chest covered in a book went into its flying double doors, and the first thing that greeted her is a grouchy old woman, crouched over her computer and sneering at a group of kids whispering too loudly. The walls opposite her was all made of glass, so the room was bright and silent. At the right, rows of long tables went on until the other end of the room, and at the left, shelves upon shelves and books not many actually read unless they were asked to.

The girl turned over to the left.

The first shelf was stuffed with books people actually take the time to read. Novels. Young adult. The like. The second shelf, not much would go into. The aisle gets dustier the more they go further in. At the fifth or sixth shelf, where the old, untouched encyclopedias are, stoners would often lie around, often passed out on the floor. It’s also the aisle where Ms. Peterson frequently goes into to scream at these kids and send them over to the Vice Principal. When she doesn’t, the whole room ends up smelling like pot. The freshman girl knew about that. She’s been warned.

Three shelves behind that was the one a few kids have snuck a small mattress in. They’d pull it out of the shelves and take a nap right on the floor. Not many catch them. And frankly, not many cared. Sometimes it goes up to three people taking naps at the same time, and it wouldn’t matter if they knew each other or not.

The girl turned away. She wasn’t looking for a nap. An adult man, a science teacher by the name of Jerry, was splayed out on the floor, drooling over the mattress. She didn’t want to deal with that.

Another few shelves after that was the one people secretly hid to take sips out of a flask behind a very specific book. Not many knew about that, and it was mostly the football jocks that went into that aisle and come back with a brighter smile over their face. A very risky move, but they haven’t been caught just yet. She didn’t know about that. And if anyone other than that very exclusive circle were to drink from that flask, the jocks would know.

So she turned to the very last aisle.

The aisle at the very far end of the room, to the right facing the window where the air was stale and dusty and the light wasn’t so against their faces, where the shelves were perfectly aligned that the security cameras wouldn’t be able to catch them and the librarian’s desk was too far from view. The aisle not coincidentally also housed the wilting romance novels.

The famous Boner Aisle.

No one goes into that aisle for any other purpose than to bring over your partner and eat their face. No one wants to go into that aisle in fear of catching them in the act. The first semester of junior year, not many were able to get away with it, and the rates of kids sneaking into that aisle dropped dramatically, all thanks to a very angry library assistant who’d threaten them with lower body paralysis if they didn’t get out. And for a while, no one dared to go back to that aisle.

But now? _Now_? Everything was back to the way it was.

Almost.

The sweet, unknowing freshman turned towards that corner to the Boner Aisle. And once she did, she stopped in her tracks.

Jason’s back was against the shelf, craning his head down to your height. His lips were soft, gently playing with yours and taking the time to taste you. Your eyes were closed, fingers tangled in his hair, your arm resting against his hard chest. He pulled you closer with a hand on your waist, letting your weight push against him.

The moment you heard someone walk in, you stopped, but you didn’t pull away. You and Jason turned to the girl too frozen to move.

“I-I’m sorry…” she gulped.

Your eyes squinted at her. At that, she didn’t waste any more time, running out of your sight. Jason smirked and pulled your chin back towards him and kissed you so delicately you wanted to smile. Your arms slithering off his neck, you pulled on his leather jacket and trailed your hands up his chest.

You were that someone who made everything slightly so different.

The damned, beautiful library. How you loved it.

\-----

**Now**

This was stupid.

You shouldn’t be here. It wasn’t too late to go out the exit, never mind the down payment you were asked to hand over the moment you called to set up an appointment. And even when this was a place you’ve never been to, everything felt eerily familiar.

And it scared you. You wanted to run and hide away from the white fluorescent bulb shining far too painfully at your face, from the withering plants near the chair and the two others waiting for their turn after you.

But you didn’t. You sat through it all, even with the shivers up your back, you stood firm. You didn’t move. You didn’t touch the magazines or even your phone. Your eyes were glued to the walls, silent and sure.

You knew you needed the help. And you weren’t about to deny that. And that part of you that hated yourself for being so stubborn the first time around was helplessly yelling into your worn-out little head, crying for the help you always knew you needed but never once asked. This time, you had to do it. For your sake. For everyone’s sake.

So with your hair feeling hot in a dark hood over your head, you stared directly at the light. You let it burn through your iris and felt the pain surge up your nerves. It wasn’t too much, but it was something. Something to let you know you were actually there, in the moment, so your mind wouldn’t drift off to places you never wanted to go back to, where you hope this submission would eventually help you through the acceptance you needed.

You waited. So silently, you waited.

\-----

**Then**

A stupid senior’s assembly. There was no getting out of it. All the doors out the gym were blocked by hall monitors and athletes larger than Jason on detention. The teachers were taking their time as well with the microphones and the fucking banner held up behind them bearing the school’s name. He was at the bleachers, sitting farthest down at the corner where not many sat next to him. And there was a whole number of you at the gym cheering along.

They most probably had another hour before they’d finally get to go home. Setting a can of soda and a cup of coffee by his side, Jason leaned over to rest on his knees to watch Jerry and Ms. Peterson hold up the banner upside down before the fan’s wind blew them back, almost falling to the floor. It was a mess. And he wasn’t expecting it not to. The school mascot, a Beaver, ran across the basketball court trying its sorry best to gain more cheers from the tired, sulking seniors. Some of them had the energy, though. But it was a good fraction of you that didn’t just want to get this year over with.

He rolled his eyes and chucled.

“Hi!”

A girl with dark brown hair and shorts riding up her thighs suddenly walked up to an unsuspecting Jason.

“I’m Lana. We have history class together!”

Jason nodded, “Hi.”

“Can I sit next to you?”

“Actually I-“

She sat down before Jason could say anything more. He looked around. “Are you excited for this year?” The girl excitedly asked.

He inched away from her, but Lana moved along with him.

“Not really.”

“Can we be partners? For like, an assignment they’ll give us in the future.”

“I don’t think we’re asked to have partners.”

“That’s okay. I just heard you're really smart. And I need all the help I can get. Do you think you can tutor me?”

Jason took Lana’s hand off from holding his shoulder. He looked around, biting his lip, and once again scooted further away from her. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“I’m really sorry. I can't.”

Lana then tried to get a hold of Jason’s arm, but he moved away until he was at the very end of his seat.

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes, I have a girlfriend, and I was saving that seat for her.”

She leaned back, but Lana did not at all look bothered. “I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.”

“ _She would_.”

That low, calmed voice, the one you had when you were on the brink of exploding. Lana turned around and caught your eyes staring her down with a scowl strong enough to melt stone. You were standing behind them, hips cocked to the side and your arms crossed over your chest.

And even if it weren’t for the look in your eyes, you looked absolutely terrifying.

“Get out of my seat.”

You knew this girl, and she was one of the very, very lucky ones you hadn’t already injured physically, emotionally, or mentally out of the hundreds of students in your year. Which was why she had the guts to stand firm and look at you up and down. “Who said this was yours?”

You walked over to their level, walking over to stand between them. Then, you shamelessly pushed the girl off from Jason, enough to almost make her tumble. Jason held your arm. “Babe-“

“Excuse me?!”

“Excuse you.” You growled.

She stood up, forcing her face to be firm, then placed her hands on her hips in an effort to intimidate you. “I only asked that he tutor me.”

“If you’re too stupid to pass history by yourself, Lana, go talk to Brandon. I’m sure even that moron’s got a ton over you.”

“ _Babe-“_

You ignored Jason and kept your squinting eyes locked onto her. She didn’t immediately cower, but her eyes were shifty, and her lips had a bit of a tremble. Her face looked irritating enough for you to rip apart with your bare hands 

“Should’ve known you’d be so overly jealous, Y/N.”

You gritted your teeth. “Why? You think you’re reason enough to make me jealous?”

“I didn’t-“

“You give yourself way too much credit. In fact, I think it’s better if you go back to that ex of yours. The one who cheated on you? I’m sure you couldn’t possibly do better than that.”

She looked like she was about to cry.

“Oh wait,” you smiled, putting your hand to your mouth. “ _That_ must be why you’re so hellbent on taking other people’s boyfriends. To fill that sorry little hole your ex left and convince yourself that you're hot enough.”

You pursed your lips to mimic Lana’s own. Jason stood up, placing a hand on your shoulder. “Come on.” You didn’t budge.

“I didn’t know your girlfriend was such a pain, Jason-“

“ _YOU WANNA SEE PAIN???”_

“Okay,” Jason murmured, taking your arm before you could lunge yourself at the girl trembling at her feet. “Let’s go.”

He pulled on your elbow then lead you up to the seats higher up in the bleachers.

Lana, on the other hand, was visibly shaking by now and you left a lingering glower at her while Jason moved you far away, settling you down to your seat and giving you your cup of coffee. When Lana walked away, disappearing into the crowd with her head craned down, you drank from your cup.

“Babe,” Jason placed his hand on your knee, but you pushed him away.

“No.”

“That wasn’t necessary.”

You sneered at him. “You’re defending her now?”

“I’m not.”

“Then be quiet.”

He held your leg again, squeezing it to make you jolt. You didn’t push him away the second time, but you kept your eyes on the Principal speaking over the microphone no matter how boring it was. You didn’t turn to him or take your lips off your coffee cup. You felt his hand tighten and loosen every once in a while, but you didn’t once move.

“ _SENIORS. IT IS TIME YOU THINK ABOUT THE NEXT PHASE IN YOUR LIFE. THE FUTURE WE’RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT. BY NOW, YOU HAVE CHOSEN A COLLEGE, A JOB, OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT TO DO AFTER YOU STEP OUT OF THESE HALLS. A FAIR WILL BE HELD TOMORROW IN THIS GYM TO HELP GUIDE YOU IN CHOOSING THE RIGHT PATH, AND WITH THAT YOU…“_

Jason turned your chin, slowly, and with you not giving it a fight, he kissed you so gently with his teeth grazing onto your lips. His kisses were noticeably different. Rougher, more wanting when he was happy, more teeth when he was awfully horny. When he was sad, he mostly just stayed still and wanted you to do most of the kissing, wanted you to have your arms around him. And when he was angry, he’d most often give you a little pec. And when he was apologetic, he was soft, gentle, and it usually had a bit of a sad smile curving up the corner of his lips.

When he pulled away, you still had that frown, but he could only smile back at you no matter how much you looked like you wanted to kill him. He was soothing, calm, and had that smile creeping up his face. His thumb kept brushing over your chin. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“You better not let her near you again.”

“I won't.”

“Hmm.” He kissed you again, and he pulled his arm around your shoulders to place a kiss on your temple. His other hand was rubbing up your arm, soothing you.

“Come on, stop it,” he pleaded. “Whatever it is you want, I’ll do it.”

“I want to bite their heads off-“

“You’re not gonna do that.”

“Then I want your little admirers not to flock over you so much.”

“Well, to be honest, at the rate you're going, at the end of the year no one will dare look my way.”

You guffawed. “And yet, some of them still think they have it in them to steal you away.”

“ _No one’s_ stealing me away from you.”

“Why is it that I’m always the one driving those girls away? Why can't you do that by yourself?”

Jason breathed. “Excuse me, if I’m not comfortable threatening their lives if they just wanna take a seat next to me.”

“ _Oh_ ,” you growled. “’Cuz it’s just so hard to walk away from them.”

“You want me to just walk away?”

“Yes, I do. And if you _really_ don’t wanna insult them then make up some excuse.”

You frowned at him. And with a sigh, he loosened his arm around you. “Are we really having this conversation again?”

“I don’t know, are we?” you rolled your eyes. And with a scoff, Jason pulled his arm away from your tense limbs and leaned back against the bleachers. You placed your weight on your knees, crouched over.

“Well, I’m done talking about this.”

“I’m not.”

“What’s more to talk about?” Jason stopped when the crowd suddenly erupted in an applause. You both ignored it and waited for the noise to settle.

“You could’ve left. You know what she was trying to do. She thinks she could reel you over with what I don’t have.”

“And what is it supposed to be that you don’t have and she does?”

You groaned. “Girls like that have an appeal. Cute, kind ones that wouldn’t hurt a fly even if they had to.”

“You don’t think you're cute? ‘Cuz I think your adorable, babe.”

He pinched your cheek and you hissed away. “STOP.”

“No.”

Jason went back to hold the side of your waist, and you didn’t move away. “Lucky you, I’m into girls who’re irritatingly mean and would throw someone out the window if they dare try to walk all over them.”

You looked at him. “And?”

“I’m also into girls who act all tough with everyone else but get soft the moment I do this,” he smirked, then he turned your chin back to him to kiss you.

You ignored him and faced out into the court. Shaking his head, Jason loosened his hold on you. “You’re not gonna talk?”

You didn’t say anything.

“Fine. I won't force you.”

You often did this. A lot. You’d turn away from his direction, distract yourself with anything else you could torture and lash your anger out on so you wouldn’t lash out on him. You learned to do that overtime, when you realized you were hurting him more than you ever should. It was you holding yourself back from saying anything more that’ll possibly worsen the situation. Or it was just you not wanting to talk to him for a long while. And at this point, he let you have all the time you need. It doesn’t mean he wouldn’t stop talking by himself, whether or not you responded.

“I’m sorry,” He kissed your head. “Next time that happens, I’ll walk away. As long as you stop making those kids cry with psychological trauma.”

Your eyes were at the ground now, but you still had that frown. “Okay.”

And at that point, you barely did say anything more. But Jason never left you, never took his hand away from your waist. And even with a frustrated look on your face, he never failed to kiss your lips every so often.

“I love you,” he said when you started leaning into his arm.

He watched you hold back a smile, and when you caught him, you rolled your eyes and looked away. Jason, on the other hand, didn’t. Even after the assembly finished. He never could stop smiling when he was looking at you.

Right after that, he took you home and went straight to patrol. By ten o’clock that night, he was home. And only because he told Bruce he had homework to do. Which he did, and only now did he finish everything just before midnight. He fell to his bed and pulled out his phone.

_**Y/N:** _ _“Babe, I can't sleep. You awake?”_

You were in bed, wrapped around in the thickest blankets with the cold air blowing in from your open window.

_**Jason:** _ _“I’m here. Something wrong?”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“I drank coffee while studying. Taking a toll on me now.”_

_**Jason:** _ _“I told you not to do that.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“How am I supposed to stay awake?”_

_**Jason:** _ _“Put a rubber band in your arm and sting yourself when you get too tired.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“No.”_

_**Jason:** _ _“It’ll be funny though😊”_

Jason grinned and laid on his bed, still a bit damp from the shower.

_**Jason:** _ _“You done being mad at me now?”_

Three dots in a bubble, hovering for almost a minute.

_**Y/N:** _ _“Maybe.”_

_**Jason:** _ _“☹”_

You laughed, laying down on your side.

_**Y/N:** _ _“You know I can't stay mad at you.”_

_**Jason:** _ _“I know 😉 You love me.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“I do <3”_

Jason thought of you in bed, smiling at your phone the way he was now.

_**Jason:** _ _“Let’s not fight over that again, okay?”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“Okay. I’m sorry. I just don’t wanna lose you.”_

Only Jason could ever make you apologize. For anything. _Fuck_ , you changed so much for him it was insane.

_**Jason:** _ _“I’m sorry, too. And I know what you feel. I get it.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“☹ really?”_

_**Jason:** _ _“I get jealous too. A lot. I know people are afraid of you but it doesn’t mean I don’t notice them being secretly interested.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“I don’t notice that.”_

_**Jason:** _ _“They never make a move. And they thought I wouldn’t notice.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“What did you do?”_

_**Jason:** _ _“I’d pull you closer while glaring at them. It seems to do the trick.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“Awe <3”_

Someone who was just as afraid of losing you as you are of them. Everyday, you find a new reason to ponder on, wondering what is it you did that made you so lucky.

_**Y/N:** _ _“You know I’d bite their heads off if they even try to pull us apart.”_

_**Jason:** _ _“Don’t do that. Start with their arms.”_

You rolled your eyes.

You weren’t so sure what to respond. In fact, you weren’t so sure how to react at all. You saw him type, then stop, then type again.

_**Jason** _ _“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make this about me. I won't do that again. Anything to make you feel better.”_

You pressed your lips together, thinking about where he was, what he was doing, how you wanted to circle your arms around his head and stuff your nose against his hair.

_**Jason:** _ _“You’re the only one I ever wanna be with. Remember that.”_

With your heart rising from where it sank to the ground, you sighed.

_**Y/N:** _ _“I will <3”_

_**Jason:** _ _“I’d love to stay up, babe, but we really need to go to sleep.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“☹”_

_**Jason:** _ _“Alright, you baby. What do you wanna do 😉?”_

You shifted in bed, letting the air nip at your ass barely covered by your booty shorts.

_**Y/N:** _ _“You up to anything right now?”_

_**Jason:** _ _“No. I went straight to homework when I got home and I only finished now. I’m in my boxers in bed.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“Oh 😉. Prove it.”_

Jason bit his lip, feeling his chest rise. He no longer felt as tired, and there was suddenly a burst of energy he never thought was there. He snapped a picture of his bare abs from his angle, only barely missing his crotch, then sent it to you. You sent back a heart and a fire emoji.

_**Jason:** _ _“Wanna put your hands all over, babe?”_

_**Y/N:**_ _“Yes <3 Those abs are mine.”_

You followed it with a smiling devil.

_**Jason:** _ _“Yours, huh?”_

_**Y/N:**_ _“Yes.”_

_**Jason:** _ _“Show me what’s mine, too 😉.”_

Your cheeks were flushed, even when this was basically the hundredth time. You wanted him bad. You wanted him all riled up just as you are. Sitting up on your bed, you propped your knees up and took a picture of your bare legs and the shorts riding up to your groins.

_**Jason:** _ _“I love your legs.”_

_**Y/N:**_ _“Thank you 😉”_

_**Jason:** _ _“Now show me more. Please.”_

Puppy dog eyes. You laughed.

You looked at the door, remembering if you locked it. You did. Probably. But you didn’t want to get up and make sure.

Your back against the headboard, you placed your hand over to your breast, letting your shirt ride up with it. You took a picture of that and made sure he could see the underside of your tits peeking out from your shirt.

It cut off just above your lips. You were biting them. You knew he liked that.

_**Jason:** _ _“Fuck <3 You tease.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“You're a tease.”_

_**Jason:** _ _“Am I?”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“Yes :P”_

_**Jason:** _ _“Okay then 😉”_

Jason made sure the light was at the right angle, before just settling for the phone’s flash. His hand grabbing his hard on, he took a picture of the bulge in his pants, his boxers almost perfectly outlining the tip.

Your hand instinctively went down to your panties the moment it popped up on your phone. He was already hard. You wanted to hold it. Put it in your mouth.

_**Y/N:**_ _“That for me?”_

_**Jason:** _ _“For you 😉”_

Even when it was freezing, you rode your shirt up, holding it with your teeth, then held your tits up with one arm. You took a picture before you started shivering from the cold.

_**Jason:** _ _“fuuuuuuuuck”_

Jason stared at that photo, now rubbing his palm up his shaft.

Then you sent another pic. You were on your stomach, your ass pushed out, and your phone was held up to take a picture all the way from behind. He could see the curve on your ass, your legs folded on the sheets.

Then another of you lying flat on the bed, arm still covering your tits with your arm, but your nipple peeked through your hand just barely enough for him to see. Jason audibly moaned and rubbed on his clothed dick even harder.

_**Jason:** _ _“How are you so fucking hot?”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“Idk. You tell me 😉”_

_**Jason:** _ _“I’m so hard right now.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“Show me.”_

Jason took his cock out from his boxers and snapped a picture.

You audibly gasped, your hand now dipped into your panties. You wanted that cock inside you. You wanted his hands to feel how hot your burning skin was.

_**Jason:** _ _“You’re so hot <3 look how hard you make me.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“Mmm. Wish I could play with that right now.”_

_**Jason:** _ _“Oh you will. I’ll let you play with it until I cum all over you.”_

_**Y/N:** _ _“Fuck <3”_

You moaned, but stopped yourself so you could text. You could feel him, hands lathering over your naked body. You felt him even when he wasn’t there. His lips around your breasts, trailing down to the rest of your body. His cool touch all over you, soothing your burning skin. You let your thoughts run free, take you to new heights you’d often blush at but shamelessly enjoy. You wanted his body, wanted him to be one with you. You inserted a finger inside you and called out his name.

Jason could feel you, too. Your lips on his chest, trailing a long line all the way down his cock. He was twitching into his hand. He wanted you just as much.

_**Y/N:** _ _“Give me more, baby please.”_

_**Jason:** _ _“I will 😉 play with yourself right now.”_

He sent a photo of his cock in his hands, then another of his chest. You returned the favor with your shirt now fully gone and a handful of pictures of your bare tits, squeezed by your hands in different angles.

You rubbed vigorously at your clit, staring at Jason’s cock.

Then Jason’s name popped up on the phone. He was calling you. With your fingers shaking, you accepted it.

You heard him gasp, panting into the phone. You were doing the same thing.

“Fucking hell, baby…”

“You rubbing your pussy?”

“Yes-oh!”

You threw your head back. “Jason…”

“That’s it. K-keep going… fuck it feels so good.”

“Yeah?” you gasped. Then you started to say more but it all ended up being wordless cries.

“Yes. Fuck. Keep moaning. You sound so hot.”

“Oh, fuck. Jason…”

“You looked s-so… fucking hot today. Your shirt was way too l-low… ugh fuck... I couldn’t stop staring at your tits... When we were alone- _FUCK-_ I kept wishing you’d drop something so you’d bend over a-and I’d get a better view I’d jack off to later...”

“Shit…” you turned around, onto your stomach, then you pushed your face up against a pillow and cried.

You kept playing with your folds until you were squirming on the bed. Jason was now fully pumping at his cock, eyes locked onto the picture of your bare tits and your lips that were bitten onto with your teeth.

“You gonna cum now?” He groaned.

“Yes! Oh god…”

You came, moaning his name into your pillow. You were on fire. Your thoughts were on fire. They’d eventually ventured off to the filthiest images you’d eventually grow embarrassed off when your high blows off. But you let them run through you for now, enjoying the sound of his voice moaning your name. He was cumming.

“Cum for me, Jay. I’m so hungry for that cock. I want it inside me…”

Jason bit into his teeth, cumming into a stray sock. _Fuck,_ he was such a child. But no one was about to fucking blame him. Your voice was low, relaxed, in a sweet, soft daze. He came so much he swore he’d fall asleep right then. He took a moment, leaning his head against the headboard, and panting to keep himself up.

You held the phone back up to your ear, still catching your breath. “Fucking hell.”

“You're so amazing.”

“I feel like passing out,” you sighed.

“Stop fucking moaning or I’ll get another hard on.”

You giggled. “I wouldn’t mind that.”

“No. I’m too tired.”

Like a brat, you grunted. “I miss you now.”

Jason smiled. “We’ll see each other tomorrow. Then right after we can go out and explore that empty church you always wanted you check out.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

You looked up at the ceiling. “I’d love that. I also checked online. There’s an abandoned carnival a few miles down. We can go this weekend.”

“Sure, but I have to check with Bruce. You know how it is. And if he’s in a good mood, maybe he’ll let us take a car.”

You grinned and rubbed your bare legs up and down, imagining his own hands in place of yours.

“I miss you,” you said.

“I miss you, too.”

“I’m tired, but I still can't go to sleep.”

“Me neither.”

Jason looked at the clock. 12:25 am.

“Babe. Give me twenty minutes.”

“What are you up to now, Todd?”

He hung up, and you were stuck in bed, biting into your gums as you stopped yourself from smiling too much.

You’d undoubtably die for him, have yourself get hurt so long as his own pain is lessened. And even when it had only been a year since you met, you just couldn’t imagine how your life seemingly went on without his hand holding yours, his arm tucked in your waist.

But perhaps the one thing that changed the most was how he’d stop you from turning into the worst version of yourself, bring you over to a corner and calm you down before things turn for the worst. And maybe, you had the same effect on him, too.

Not even twenty minutes later, you heard knocking from your window. The asshole was standing outside at your fire exit, hands in his pockets with a wide grin on his face.

“You little shit,” you smiled, opening the window. He pulled you out quicker than you could even climb over the pane and pulled you into his arms, kissing you hard. Your arms around his waist, and his hands grabbing your face, you let yourself ignore the shivering cold and leaned into him.

You heard sirens and car horns, the faint sounds from the city, lights blaring from a distance and even a helicopter fly from a distance away. But everything was peaceful and silent around that little bubble you had with Jason. Where everything else disappears and it was only you and him. Leaning against the fire exit’s railings, he stared at you, at the strand of hair being blown by the light wind. Then his hand started trailing down your ass and squeezed.

“Todd…”

“I know,” he kissed your forehead. “Not yet.”

You leaned against his chest, and he held you so tight, he kept you warm just with his own body. Some nights he comes over and you two just stay at the fire exit, sometimes eat some fast food he’d stopped over to get for the both of you. Even at school nights.

“I brought us-“ he started pulling something out from his pocket. “Two bags of potato chips.”

“You’re an angel.” You kissed the tip of his nose, then you both sat down on the cold hard metal, letting your legs swing from the spaces between the railing’s steel bars. The view from your room was slightly obstructed by a large tree, but further out and you could see the skyscrapers reaching out from behind the leaves.

You leaned against Jason’s shoulder and started eating your snack.

“Give me some of yours.”

You pulled out a chip and handed it to Jason. The asshole, his eyes stuck on yours, ate it whole and let his lips linger onto your fingers. The ones you just used to touch yourself. You blushed in an instant.

“You taste really good…” He kissed your forehead.

“You dog.”

You squealed when he leaned in and licked your neck, biting in to make you scream even more. “Stop!” you laughed. “I wanna finish my chips.”

“Fine,” he grunted. And with your head on his shoulder, you ate.

“Hey,” you traced a finger down his jaw. And he flinched. It was purple and bruised. And it wasn’t there earlier today.

“What the fuck happened this time?”

“Just a little accident while working out.”

“Jason, fucking try to be more careful.”

He sighed. “I will.”

You kissed his jaw, so softly he smiled, then right after you’d finished your chips, he stood up.

“Go change.”

“Jason…”

“Come on,” he held your chin. “Let’s get out of here.”

You shook your head, pecking his lips before you went back into your room, pulling out a pair of sweat pants and a sweater to cover yourself up. You took Jason’s hand, then laughed as you raced down the fire exit and walked out into the streets. You felt the cold breeze against your now cool skin, the warmth of his fingers interlocked with yours.

The empty sidewalks, the occasional cars passing by that gave the wind a stronger push against your fluttering clothes. You held Jason’s hand and leaned against him.

“We should do this more often.”

“This is fucking stupid, by the way. Gotham at night is always a bad idea.”

“This was your plan, jackass.”

He suddenly twirled you around his arm just as you passed by a yellow lamppost. You smiled at him, leaning against his chest. “Don’t worry. I’ll protect you.”

“Will you?”

He kissed your forehead. Always.

Your body leaning into his, you and Jason ended up walking to an emptier road, where it was quiet, but not unsafe to be in at night. At least, not as unsafe as the rest of it. You found yourself at a blocked-out overpass where there were no cars, no people.

Then you squealed out when he suddenly took you into his arms, face tickling your neck. “Jason!”

“You gonna scream?”

“Yes I will!”

“No one can hear you.”

“ _KIDNAPPER. KIDNAPPER!_ ”

Then you jumped up to the yellow and black road blocker, balancing with your worn-out sneakers. Jason came up behind you with far more skill and started chasing you down. You held your arms out, laughing when he’d catch you by the sweater.

“Noob,” he said.

“Fuck you.”

He jumped off, then held your hand as you trailed down the rest of the beam with your limbs trembling. At the end, Jason held out his arms, and you jumped right into him.

He shushed you and pulled your body in for another kiss. You couldn’t stop laughing, even with him smushing his face so tightly against yours. You held his hoodie and he pulled on your face. “Your face looks frozen.”

“Shut up.”

“No.”

“You are insufferable.”

“I know. And you just hate me for it.”

Jason rolled his eyes and started swaying with his arms around your waist. You kissed him again, fingers tightening around his hair.

Then he picked you up, legs around his hips, and you squealed when he pushed you against the cement wall beside the road, one with graffiti sprayed out all over it. You were sitting on a metal railing, cold even with your clothes on. Your laughter filled the empty air, and with him between your legs, he kept kissing your face.

You looked up at the sky, then at him. You let your nose rub so intimately against his, let your fingers trace through his light stubble. And the look he was giving you. You wanted to melt.

He stared at you like you were a statue so intricately made that your beauty kept him frozen in silence. And you looked at him the same way. Slowly, with your hand at the back of his neck, you kissed him.

“Say you love me,” you whispered.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

You loved him so much. So dearly. It often scared you.

“So are we just not gonna go to bed?”

“Nah,” he said. “Good luck staying up in class.”

You threw your head back against the wall and he kissed your neck. “Just kidding. We have to head back soon.”

“Noooo,” you trapped him with your limbs. “I wanna stay here.”

He laughed. “You’re gonna make me get you five cups of coffee by noon.”

“So?”

“I’m not gonna do that.”

“Yes you are.”

“No. You’ll explode.”

“I’m not going to explode.”

Jason nipped at your cheek. It was like you could hear soft music somewhere even when it wasn’t there. He kissed you again.

Moments like these. Moments that last forever. The city at the background, the lack of stars made up by the twinkling billboards and skyscrapers. The soft, serenading sound of the wind so softly breezing. And even with so little trees, you’d often find brown leaves on the streets, dancing away to the other parts of town.

He pressed his forehead against your lips. “I love you so much.”

“I love you even more,” you sighed.

“Doubt you love me that much.”

“Wanna bet, asshole?”

Jason scoffed. “How much, then?”

“So much that I’ll claw your eyes out if you ever break up with me.”

“Graphic,” he smiled. “But I’ll take it.”

You were on that railing at the side of the road all the way until the sky started to lighten up. It probably wasn’t a good idea, but it didn’t matter. It was one of the best nights, the ones you’ll store at the back of your mind for all your days and smile at when you needed it.

You pulled away from his kiss, looked at him for that moment. And you told yourself you were always going to remember this. The look on his face. The cold. The empty road. The night so beautiful. Someday, you’ll look back to this day and realize nothing that if moments like this were ever to happen, then there were more things in life you’d happily look forward to.

\-----

**Now**

Eyes painfully dragged down from all the sleepless nights and days, you finally heard your name called.

And at that point, you lost all chances you had of running out of that room and forget any of this even came up to your mind, that you thought this could ever get better. It wasn’t. It hadn’t for years and you’d grown to accept that. Not to accept what happened, but accept that you were always going to be miserable.

Pulling your sweater around your body, you stepped into the room.

The therapist greeted you inside, then she gestured for you to take a seat. Her office was warm, and the scent wasn’t as strong as it was in the waiting room. Probably to make her patients feel more comfortable. With a smile on her face, eyes peeking through from a pair of cat-eye glasses, you hesitantly sat on the couch.

“Ms. Y/FN.”

You didn’t answer, and you watched her go through your clipboard.

“I want you to know you should be comfortable with everything you feel, and that nothing comes out of this room. Let all your thoughts and feelings go. It’s the only way for you to make things better. Or at least change.”

You gulped. “Good luck making that happen.”

The therapist didn’t seem too bothered with your remark.

“Let’s start with me getting to know you a bit more,” she said. “How have you been?”

You shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

“Do you go to university?”

You nodded. “Gotham College of the Arts.”

“Impressive. You study music?”

You nodded again. “I sing and make songs every once in a while.”

“That’s really good. Do these songs somehow channel your emotions?”

“When don’t they?” you snorted.

“Alright. Do you have anyone with you at home? Family?”

“My mom died a year ago. I live alone in our apartment. My dad owns the place, and he doesn’t ask for rent.”

_Daddy issues. Family issues._ You just knew she was writing that down.

“Alright. I’ll let you start. What’s been on your mind?”

A faint color of red, covered in lint. You stared at the carpet and forced yourself to speak.

“Three years ago…”

She looked at the notebook on her lap and nodded. “What happened three years ago?”

Breathe. You had to do this. You were hopeless if you didn’t.

“My boyfriend. Jason Todd…”

You heard his voice. As you always did. 

“He died…”

The therapist bit on her lip, looking up at you with the same exact pity you were so used to getting from almost everyone you meet. Even when it had been three years. It was all the same.

Perhaps because you were just as miserable as you were then. Perhaps it was because of you.

It was. And they had no idea of the full story.

Well, now someone will know.

“And…” _Fuck_ , this was hard to say out loud.

“He died because of me.”


	12. Bruises

**Then**

“There’s no way I’m getting out of Jersey.”

“NYU? Come on, if you're taking a science course might as well go for the best.”

“New York’s just as shitty as Gotham. At least I grew up here.”

“If you’re staying in Gotham anyway, might as well take a course you’re actually interested in.”

You turned your head to the side, where Jason’s chin was resting on your shoulder. He shifted on the bed and let his legs on either sides of you fold up so you could hold the laptop better. “I’m not interested in _any_ course, for your information.”

“You have to go to college, Y/N.”

You grunted, and you felt his arms around your waist tighten. “I can't believe you still hadn’t thought of this,” he said. “Some kids have their whole lives planned out all the way until they’re fifty.”

You hated it when he was so patronizing, but didn’t reject a kiss to your shoulder when he thought your attention was too far off into the laptop’s screen.

“Okay. All this is way too intimidating. What if I get the hang of it and decide I wanna proceed to medicine? I don’t want that.”

“You’re already hating the you five years from now. Chill out.”

“Ugh.” You scrolled through the list of universities nearby. “I’m not taking a sciences course.”

“Although I agree, Chemistry, Biology, and Physics are the highest marks in your record. It’d be much easier for you in the long run.”

“I don’t care. I hate it.” He snickered at your bitter annoyance when you shut the laptop close and set it aside on a chair near your bed. You then leaned against his chest and he immediately dug into your neck. “What about you?” you slightly pulled away. “What are you gonna take?”

Jason let out a long breathe out from his nostrils into the back of your hair. Tightly, you held his arms that were around you and craned your head to the side so you could look at him.

“What would you say if I took English Literature?”

“I think that’s amazing.” You tickled his cheek with your gentle finger. “Gotham U?”

“Yeah. It’s the only course I can think of that doesn’t exhaust me just thinking about it.”

You swung your thighs over to rest on his leg, and he started fiddling with the hem of your jeans, tracing your ankle. “You’ll do great.”

He smiled and kissed the corner of your mouth before pulling your head to rest on his cheek. “You know you’ll have to choose a course soon.”

“I know.” You looked down.

You weren’t one to look forward to college much. And it wasn’t because you had no plans at all. You just had no idea if you were to go out of the city, find a job somewhere that didn’t sound too repulsive or too much of a chore or go to college perhaps, but that felt way too much of a commitment to a future you had no idea about. What were you _supposed_ to do?

If your grades had a say in it, science was the safest choice. Maybe even literature. But it mostly spiked all because of Jason’s help. What if you’d fail just as it was too late to turn back? You couldn’t afford for that to happen. And if anything, the only major drive was choosing a place where Jason wasn’t so far away.

Up until now, it seemed too early to make that kind of decision.

“What about music?”

You looked at him. “Funny.”

“I’m serious.”

“My dad will kill me.”

“Since when do you listen to your dad?”

Never. Never in your whole life did you listen to whatever he had to say. “Point taken.”

“You’re good at it. You’re amazing at writing songs. And your voice definitely guarantees you a spot.”

“I don’t know,” you settled deeper into his chest. “I never really thought of that.”

“Does the thought of spending the next few years of voice lessons repulse you that much?”

“You know for a fact that it won't just be voice lessons,” you scoffed.

“But does it though?”

You sighed and let your nose touch his jaw to give you that slight little push you always needed when you tried to figure shit out. “I guess not.”

“Well, you should give it a thought. Gotham College of the Arts looks promising.”

Looking up at him, you felt his arms shift, and you went along with him so you were now straddling his lap. He kissed you, gently at first before you felt his teeth nip at your tongue. “Also, it’s fifteen minutes away from Gotham U. Won't have to go so far just to see you.” He brushed a strand of your hair away from your cheeks.

Well, if he put it that way, maybe you will give this a shot.

You kissed him to relieve yourself of any more tiring contemplation about a future you regret never having planned out by the time you got out of middle school. You lightly swayed, letting him lean against the headboard. Soft. Subtle. Elusive. His lips were delicate, and so were his snaking hands that were crawling its way up your thighs. You giggled when he thumbed that sweet little spot in your groin he found out about months after you started dating.

You breathed harder, heavier, wrapping your arms tighter around his neck. He was leaning further into you to deepen his kisses. He was so warm… and when your hand wandered down his chest, Jason’s went under your shirt, making you jolt at his rough fingers tracing the sides of your waist. “You're so hot…” he whispered.

You smiled and dug into his lips again. Something was poking into your clothed cunt, and you accidentally bit into his lips too hard when he grinded against you. Jason hissed. “Ow!”

“Sorry!” you placed gentle kisses onto his lip, but he didn’t look too bothered. In fact, you felt him even harder beneath you.

His lips met your neck, and you could feel him wanting, desperate even, though there was that slightest bit of hesitation he tried hard not to show off. Probably afraid to mess up. But you welcomed him, moaning when he dug his teeth into your skin.

“Fuck…” Jason gripped on your hair, the back of your head, then with your heaving chest, he started biting into your collarbone, unsure of where to make you moan even louder. You found yourself starting for the hem of his shirt, pulling it up so you could touch the ripples of his muscles.

You were wet. You could feel it. You were biting your lip while you instinctively tried to push your legs together, but he was between them, and you couldn’t do much but lay there and take it all. Jason stopped, breathing just as heavily as you. And with your hands so gently holding his face, he looked straight into your eyes as he pulled on the back of his shirt and took it off.

He let you roam your hands around. Your warm, aching palms hovering over his lean muscles while you shamelessly bit your lip. He touched your forehead with his, feeling the way you were touching him. All over him. You brushed your palms against his pecs and jumped when he grinded up to you.

“Sorry…” he gulped. You shushed him instead and kissed him until he relaxed. Then you grinded against him, hard enough to make him audibly gasp. He let you roll your hips again, this time making you both moan into each other’s mouths.

Jason gave you a pleading look, asking if all this was okay. But it was without a word, and like him, you pulled back. Raising your shirt up and off your arms, your skin flushed the moment you saw him take his look all over you. Your bra-cladded breasts, your waist, your bare shoulders and how your hair laid so delicately against your skin. Jason looked up at you again, and you nodded at him.

You moaned at the first contact of his lips against your chest. Your tits, almost peeking out of your bra, were yearning for his tongue the more he placed kisses all over you. Then he pushed his weight against you, slowly flipping you over to let you lie down on the bed. You stared at him, kissed him hard, then moaned when he started going after your chest again.

His hands tried not to be so hard on your waist, but you could feel him wanting to dig into your skin, dig his nails into your flush. You felt his thighs part your legs and he situated himself comfortably on top of you. Then he grinded, again and again. Your hand went around his back and pulled him closer towards you.

Then he suddenly pulled away and hissed. You stopped, immediately backing off. Your heart was about to blow up and you instantly went to hold his head. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I’m-“ Jason flinched when he moved his back.

You quickly moved over to the other side of the bed, but Jason turned away which made him hiss even more.

“Jay, just let me look.”

“No-“

“What is going on?” you stammered, and when you stood up on the floor, pulling his hand away from covering his back, he stopped struggling.

You hadn’t seen it. Until now. This was recent. The largest bruise you’ve ever seen, spanning from his left shoulder all the way down to his lower back in several smaller circles. It was just by his shoulder blades where it was horribly blued and purpled, right where you were trailing your hands at just now. You placed your hand on it, but Jason inched away.

“What. Happened.”

“Nothing.”

He was looking away from you. Looking at the ground.

“Jason, you can't expect me to turn a blind eye on this again. What the hell is going on with you?” you insisted. You placed a hand on his shoulder, but he pushed it away.

He took his shirt back and slid his arms through the holes. “Workout.”

“Workout?!” you guffawed. “How stupid am I to you?”

He didn’t answer and moved over to lean against the headboard. “I hit my back against a pole. It’s no big deal.”

“No. Definitely not. _That_ -“ you gestured to his back. “-was left by a fucking foot. _Plenty of them_!”

He crossed his arms and tried everything he could not to look at your face. You pulled on his arm, and just like last time, he pushed you away.

“I’m calling the police.”

“No.” He held your wrists, and with his strength you could never overpower, held it tight and took your phone away from you. “You’re not doing that.”

“Where did you get those?” You growled, frustratingly throwing his hands back towards him. “Tell me right fucking now.”

“I just got into another fight. What’s the big deal?”

You pulled on your hair. “You come home with different bruises every fucking week! Unless you're in some kind of fight club, I hardly believe you're that much of a thug-“

“Maybe I am-“

“You are _insane!_ ”

“So what?! I get into fights. All guys do.”

“No. No they fucking don’t,” you faked a laugh and covered your face with your palm.

“Did you get these from home?” your voice softened. “Tell me the truth. Please Jay. Are you being abused?”

“ _NO!”_

_“THEN WHAT IS IT!?”_

_“I TOLD YOU I GOT INTO A FIGHT!”_

_“THEN FOR FUCK’S SAKE, STOP PICKING FIGHTS-“_

You were interrupted by his phone ringing in his pocket. You turned away, leaning against your desk and closing your eyes.

“Bruce?” he said into his phone. You heard deep murmuring, though you didn’t try so hard to listen in.

Not long after, Jason hung up. He stood up from your bed and picked up his jacket.

“I’m sorry. Bruce wants me -“

“You’re fucking kidding me,” you scoffed. “Does Bruce know? About that?”

Jason finally turned to you, standing on opposite sides of the bed. “He does. And we have a butler with medical training at home, so stop it.”

“ _OH_ ,” you really wanted to laugh right now. “So now you think I’m being obnoxious!?”

“ _WHO SAID_ -“ he grunted, pulling on his own hair. “ _I never said that_.”

“Yes you did!”

“I have to leave.”

You walked over to the door he’d just opened and slammed it shut with your palm. “We are not done here.”

“ _We are.”_

You wanted to punch him. “What the fuck are you hiding from me, Jason?”

“Nothing.”

“You and I both know it’s not just the bruises. It takes you an hour tops to finish all our homework so where the fuck do you go to all night?”

He looked away from you, and you saw him purse his lips, steadying his breath.

“Fucking look at me-“

“I’m at home. Asleep. That’s it.”

“Or you're out with your friends? Having the kind of company you tell them not to squeal about to your girlfriend?”

“Okay. You’re insane. What makes you think I could-“

“Are you denying it?”

“Of course, I’m fucking denying it. That’s _not_ what’s going on.”

“So there is something going on!?” you screamed. “If I find out you're hiding something, I swear to god-“

“You’ll what? Murder me in my sleep? Unless you forgot, I’m still not fucking afraid of you.”

“ _MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE!”_

_“MAYBE I WON'T.”_

_“FINE!”_

_“FINE!!”_

You were shaking. Your hand specifically. And there was a painful sprout coming all the way from your chest to your neck. It was like something was biting into your organs from the inside, making your throat burn too much for you to say anything more.

His expression softened when he saw you fighting back tears. 

“I have to go.” He slowly pulled you to the side, storming out of the door before you could stop him. You made sure Jason heard you throw the nearest breakable object to your side, hitting the walls of your room. He stepped out of your apartment, and by then, you were on the ground, wearing nothing but your fucking bra in a crying mess.

\-----

Jason regretted everything the moment he stepped out the door.

He was a huge fucking moron to tell you off like that when you were just genuinely worried for him. You, someone who’s shown him a kind of love he’s never had with anyone else in his entire life. Maybe that was why he was shit at handling it all. 

You just had another fight a week ago. He was terrible at this. No matter how much he loved you, there was no getting out of his demons’ hold.

He wanted to turn back, possibly get down on his knees and apologize immensely for everything he’d said. But another call from Bruce and not long after, the Batmobile was speeding through the streets. He cursed and ran all the way to his bike, speeding behind the car and slipping into an alley so he could quickly change.

He really fucking hated himself.

By then it was almost sundown, and when they reached Joker’s massively scaled robbery in a mall at Otisburg, they were so close to being too late. Batman crashed his car into the mall’s entrance and he jumped out, disarming five men at just a swipe of his arm.

Robin didn’t take too long to arrive. His bike stormed in from the second floor window, flying in so incomprehensibly quick that the goons couldn’t move out in time when his bike landed right on their bodies. And when it did, Robin pressed a button on his wrist, and the bike’s tires accelerated to it burned their flesh.

Fuck this world. Fuck everything in it. Everything deserved to be beaten down to the ground.

He couldn’t care less when he’d hear Batman’s scolds even from all the way across the mall’s lobby. Robin narrowly missed the bullets, snatching their guns right from their arms along with a kick right up against their chests. And with his weight placed directly on their ribs, Robin smashed their heads in with the butt of their guns. Repeatedly. They’d probably die from it. Who cares.

He was so much stronger when he wasn’t thinking too much about it.

Grappling up to the higher floors, he was instantly cornered by ten of Joker’s men. All with their stupid fucking clown masks and guns in their hands. He flipped over, rolled around to dodge the bullets. He threw batarangs one after the other and flung the heel of his boot right at any face he could reach. He blew up a store. He blocked the bullets with his cape and moved at the split second they had to reload. He smashed a head right into a concrete pillar so hard that it cracked upon its immense impact.

It had grown dark. Twenty. Maybe thirty men down on the ground. So far, his heat sensors detected they were still alive.

An elbow behind him, he grabbed a man’s arm, flung it over his back and slammed his body against the ground even when he was significantly larger than him. He placed his boot against his chest. Harder. Longer. And when he was struggling to get out, spitting at Robin’s face, he merely wiped it away before he crouched over to repeatedly hit the side of his face with his balled-up fist.

“Robin!”

He ignored that and kept going. Over and over until he felt his victim’s jaw shatter and he was lying close to lifelessness on the ground. He stopped, grabbed onto his collar and threw him onto the floor.

He barely noticed the aches on his back and how it was definitely going to take a toll on him eventually.

Darkness. Pure darkness. The demons were taking over. Just as they often did. And when they do, there was no stopping them. Not even him.

Another goon tried to shoot him, but he just walked straight at him, blocking everything with his cape, and took the gun by the muzzle with a single arm. The clown backed off, and with a single swipe, Robin smashed the gun right into his head.

The gun broke in half, and he threw it to the ground.

There was nothing in his mind at all. Not a storm. Not a single thought. Not a single word that told him to stop or think of something cleverer to put them down. There was nothing. His face blank, emotionless, Robin turned to a voice crying for help.

He walked over to the source, coming from a broken window. At four stories high, he saw one of Joker’s men hold onto the window pane for dear life.

He looked just as villainous as the rest of them. “Help me!” he cried out to Robin.

_How many lives has he taken? How many families left broken? How many has he hurt?_

Working for Joker, the answer to that would be far from pretty.

He was slipping, barely on his fingertips. A fall like that was surely going to kill him. But how many lives would be saved if it were?

His foot was just an inch away from his fingers. Just a step. A single step. And he’d fall.

But he stepped back, looking at the man straight in the eye.

And without a single flinch from him, the man slipped off the window pane by his slippery palms and dropped to his death.

When he got to the ground floor, now with GCPD officers taking over the place, he was immediately grabbed by the shoulder and hauled into the batmobile.

“My fucking bike-“

“Leave it,” Batman growled.

He got into the car and drove out before anything else were to be said.

The drive was silent. For the most part. And when they got to the cave, Jason threw his domino mask to the ground.

“Do that again, and you lose the suit.” Bruce stammered.

“Boo fucking hoo.”

“At least fifteen of them were a hit away from dropping dead. Care to explain that?”

“Isn’t that what we do? Incapacitate them but not actually take their lives to satisfy your fucking morals?”

“Don’t start with me, Jason.”

Jason turned to him on his tip toes to try standing him off. “You have no idea how long I’ve fucking wanted to do that!”

“Then you're admitting to not being capable of handling this responsibility. _THIS_ is a responsibility, Jason.”

“ _THEY WORK FOR JOKER. DO YOU KNOW HOW VILE AND DISGUSTING A PERSON HAS TO BE TO WORK FOR HIM? THEY’RE ALL SERIAL KILLERS. RAPISTS. HOW ARE THEY STILL OUR FUCKING RESPONSIBILTY?!”_

“You don’t get to kill. None of us do.”

Jason stomped his heavy boots onto the ground and started for the door. “You’re a madman, Bruce.”

“One dead. Fell from the fourth-floor window. You were there when it happened.”

He was so sure all the pent-up lava was going to burst out of him anytime soon and destroy everything in its path. He stopped walking, kept his eyes on the cold metal ground.

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Did you kill him?” Bruce said. “I’m only going to ask you once.”

Jason turned around.

“No.”

The man slipped on his own, and Jason just happened to be there watching him fall. So no, he didn’t kill him. He just willingly let him die. There’s a difference, right?

He didn’t even care if there was.

“Jason-“

“Good night, Bruce.”

He slipped out of his suit and stormed into his room.

He pulled out his phone.

**_Jason:_ ** _“Babe, you okay?”_

Five hours later, you still hadn’t replied.

His desk chair had been broken in half by his bare hands by the time morning came.

\-----

If your chicken nuggets were still alive, you’d have killed the bird ten times over just by the tip of your fork.

You didn’t even eat. Your hand practically had a mind of its own, impaling your food until it was in mushed up bits. You were silent. Far too silent. Your eyes were locked onto your food, but if you were to be asked, you’d have no idea what was going on. And you felt empty, your body hallowed out to the point where you were nothing but a set of skin, flesh, and bone with no sign of a soul left within you.

You hit the bottom of your tray hard enough to make a dent.

You heard Jason from across you sigh. “You gotta eat-“

Smashing the tip of your fork into the largest piece of nugget left intact, you gritted your teeth, stared at the ground with those deathly eyes and stuffed it into your mouth. You chewed so harshly at your food that you might have tasted your own blood.

Jason shook his head, taking his can of soda and emptied it out before he’d say anything more. And when he’d finished, you heard the can get crushed by his bare hands.

A hard swallow down his thick neck and a grunt out in frustration, and it only made your head boil even hotter.

You looked up at him, momentarily catching his eye, and without breaking your deathlike eye contact, you pierced your fork into your tray, hitting the bottom. Jason cocked his jaw to the side, giving you the same frown, but he said nothing and leaned over to rest his elbows on the table.

Again. And again. Your fork made so much dents in your tray that it’d barely be of any more use. This time, you were eating the food you’d mutilated.

Jason’s teeth were biting into his lip so much that at the nth time you smashed your tray, he felt a sharp sting in the back of his gums and a taste of bitter iron filling his tongue.

“Stop that.”

You smashed your fork again, flaring your nostrils at him and tensing all your muscles that you were just a second away from pouncing at him. Thankfully, you didn’t. You didn’t listen to him, either. You pierced your food with your fork and clenched your jaw the whole time you chewed.

He gave up and finished his own food, sliding his tray aside with a strong, frustrated push of his arm.

When your tray was empty, filled with dents, you threw your fork right on top of it and immediately stood up, grabbed your cup of iced coffee while sparing him a lasting glare before you turned away to your next class.

Jason sat there, alone, his mouth completely dry and his fists wanting to hit the next thing that comes his way.

Calm. Reserved. Not yet screaming at anyone on the way to your classroom. Although people instantly stood aside the moment they saw you walk down the hall with an explosive look on your face, you didn’t blow up just yet.

You reached your room, and just about you entered the doorway, Lana bumped right into you.

“Watch it-“

She looked up, saw it was you, and instantly bit her mouth. To make matters worse, your iced coffee slightly spilled on your shirt.

Your fists were clenched. Furthermore, and you’d blow. Your breaths were unsteady, your teeth baring. The look on your eye was enough to give fucking Medusa a run for her money. You gritted your teeth and stood silent, watching Lana start to say something, anything.

But she craned her head down and stood aside to let you walk in. And with your eyes keeping on her, you took your time making your way inside, walking so slowly that everyone kept silent at the sight of you.

You took a seat. And Lana took one four seats away from you.

Jerry the science teacher walked in, bed head still on probably from being asleep at the library, and placed all his stuff on the desk.

“Afternoon, everyone…”

You didn’t listen to a word he said. Your eyes were on the board, but you couldn’t recall a thing that was on it. You were relaxed on your chair, back arched down and your arms crossed.

Even at your worst, the world managed to go on like you weren’t in some kind of crisis at all. The sun continued to show up that morning as if it were mocking you that other people probably had one of their best days right now and you were stuck sulking without a choice. Of course, you technically did. Jason texted you once last night. Twice this morning. He sat with you at lunch despite you on the brink of choking him to death. You haven’t said anything to him so far. But you could tell he was trying. Terrible tries, to be honest. But it was there.

“Ms. Y/N.”

You didn’t move your head, or anything else, when you looked at Jerry.

“No drinks allowed in class. Throw that out the trash.”

Everyone was staring at you.

“I’m not done with it,” you grumbled.

“I don’t care. Pour it out and throw it away.”

The cup was about to explode in your hand just like that soda can did with Jason. You made sure they all heard you stomp on the ground when you stood up. And with such force you pushed the chair behind you.

Silence.

You turned over to Lana.

She wasn’t smiling, but she must have loved seeing you being called out like this. You just fucking knew it.

She was watching you like all the other kids. But the longer you stared, eyes narrowed at her, you notice her breathe hard and turn her attention away to the blank wall in front of her.

Nothing. You felt nothing. You wanted to feel something. Anything to take you out of this sad, sulking state.

“Fine,” you said.

And without even the slightest speck of shame, you slowly walked over to Lana, took out the cover of your ice coffee, stopped right in front of her-

“Y/N-“

You poured the cup right onto her head.

You heard gasps, oohs, and hisses. But even Jerry was speechless. Lana horrifyingly shrieked, eyes closed and jaw on the floor. Your face was blank, hips cocked to the side like you were casually doing it in some sink or a trash bin. And it took a long while. Longer than you should. The coffee spilled so slowly into her scalp that you wanted her to completely realize what was going on far before you were going to finish.

Her hair and face were drenched by the time you turned the cup over until it was completely upside down. All the ice fell to her head, and she gasped.

Silence again. And the expression you had on your face never faltered. Jaw to the side, arms crossed, you sighed with a high-pitched voice mimicking Lana’s.

You threw the cup in the trash, giving everyone slow glances as you made your way back into your seat. No one dared to speak up. No one moved from their desk. You raised your eyebrow at all of them, then you turned over to look at Jerry.

“Done.”

You sat down, and Lana screamed out of the classroom. Normally, you’d be smiling your face off by now.

But just like the rest of the day, that persistent frown never left. You didn’t feel any better. Nothing possibly could make you feel better.

You were lucky it was Jerry that was in charge. If it had been any other teacher who had just the slightest bit of energy left in them, they’d have taken you to the Vice Principal’s office. But today, you got off scot-free.

Looking out the window, ignoring all else that was going on, you wondered how Jason was handling all this.

\-----

**Now**

You were barely ten minutes into your appointment, and already, you were getting to the ugly parts you struggled so hard to repeat. The therapist did a good job at convincing you there was no shame to it, though. You, on the other hand, were going to have to try much harder at convincing yourself.

“Did all this start with just the bruises?” she asked you.

There was a twist in your chest, something so violently twisting all your organs, your heart just being one of them, and it was gripping onto your rib cage, shaking them so vigorously you felt like you were about to fall out.

“No… I think… Well, it was the point where things actually felt like they started to change. Even though it didn’t feel that way at first.”

“How did it feel at first?”

You shrugged. “Like just an ordinary fight. Something all couples go through.”

The therapist took note of that. The pain just kept worsening the more you talked. Wasn’t she supposed to talk just as much? Give you advice? Let you have a different perspective of things?

Apparently not. She continued to ask. “Was it?”

You didn’t exactly have a solid answer. It was. And it wasn’t. You’ll just have to keep going.

“We dealt with it horribly. By ourselves. I did some cruel shit to lash it out. Things I’m no longer proud of. And he did, too.”

“Go on,” she said. And you tried to hold back a roll in your eyes.

“But if there was one thing I noticed, we never lashed out much on each other. Sure, we’d bicker and fight and scream every once in a while. But I never once thought of hurting him just for the sake of causing hurt.”

“But you hurt other people in the process…”

You nodded. “I said I’m not proud of it.”

“I’m seeing some progress in you. I see you regret the way you handled that fight. And you wish you could have done things differently.”

Like a sword riding right down your stomach. You gulped. “Yeah…”

“How would you have done it? Knowing what you do now?”

She had to be kidding. You basically had your answer memorized over the course of three years mourning and blaming yourself for everything that had happened.

“I wish I called him that night instead of ignoring his texts. I wish I gave him the chance to apologize. Maybe even apologize myself. I wish…” you breathed. “I wish I just accepted the truth he was telling me…”

“Frankly, he was in the wrong as well.”

“I don’t care if he was anymore…” you caught your breath, stopping your voice from cracking.

The therapist gave you a bit of time to collect yourself. You were gripping onto the couch. Perhaps a bit harder than you should.

“The fights… I wish we realized none of them was ever going to be worth it. Not when it means I was going to lose him…”

\-----

**Then**

Well, at least you let him take you home.

And after his argument with Bruce, he didn’t care if he was going to get another scolding when he gets home. He’d stolen one of his cars, and he was driving it right now with you at the passenger seat. You had your knees pointed out the car door facing away from him. And each time he glances at you, he’d see your face in the reflection.

You were staring at the glass, face blank. You hadn’t talked all day. Barely a word out of you. He desperately wanted to say something. Anything. But he’d end up realizing his words were just going to make things so much worse.

And he should have thought more about bringing the car with him. There was traffic. Even when you weren’t so far from your house. It only made everything so much more silent and eerie than it already was.

He wasn’t going to turn on the radio or plug his phone in for some music. The silence was going to be better. And he was afraid he’ll miss a whisper out of you if you were too hesitant to say anything loud enough for him to actually hear.

Your fights never went on this long. It usually just ended a few hours after it happens and you’d have kissed and made up before the night comes to an end. And they were always light, even when it worried him, it never actually came to the point where visions of him walking away forever suddenly surged up his mind. It wasn’t much different from the bickering you always had the first time you met. When you hadn’t gotten along.

He didn’t realize he was smiling, thinking back at the times when you’d punch him for letting a book fall to your head, when he’d purposefully hit your back with the cart and you ended up chasing him down the aisle. When you used to scream at each other just to argue over where a book was supposed to be placed.

Jason licked his lips and smiled at those memories.

Then he turned to you. You were his now. Even when at times, it didn’t feel much like it. You were still his. But when he glanced at you, seeing you look so miserable looking out the window, it hit him like a bat to the face.

He reached your apartment, parked right beside the curb and unlocked the door.

You looked at him, no longer in frustration, but with sorrow, weariness. You were tired and he was, too.

“Thanks.”

That was the only thing you said to him all day. And right after that, you walked out the door, closing it behind you without slamming it like you’d expectedly do.

And even when he knew it was just for the day, that’s when the visions came up. You walking away. Possibly forever. Him losing you to his stubbornness. Even when it was just from the car, it all felt like you were walking away from his life entirely.

So he got out of the car and raced to you before you stepped into the door. “Wait-”

You stopped, turning around.

You tried to make your face as expressionless as you possibly could, but even you failed at that. You looked exhausted, not at all like you were at lunch. And he walked towards you. Surprisingly, you walked down the steps towards him as well.

His eyes on yours, shaking and unstable, he slowly stepped in front of you and pulled you to his chest as numbingly tight as he could. You were tense, unmoving, and he could feel you hesitate.

But unknown to him, a tear had fallen down the side of your cheek. You eventually fell into him and instantly you wrapped your arms around his waist, stuffing your face into his shoulder like he was to your neck.

You didn’t know how long you stayed in his arms. But even with the wind so strong, nothing blew you apart.

It wasn’t the same at all. The quarrelling, the disputes, it had evolved into something neither of you anticipated, though when it actually happened, it wasn’t much of a surprise. The cuts it made onto your flesh were so much deeper, when at first it barely made any cuts at all. You thought that was how it was supposed to be, something that brought you together. Your petty fights have always been something to look back to and smile at. Something cute.

But now…

_What happens now?_

What happens when those same exact fights progress into something you’d no longer easily forget?

What happens when the pettiness causes a wound not so quickly healed?

What happens when the back and forth, the disagreements, the bickering…

What happened when they stop being cute?


	13. First Time

**Then**

Well.

At least he could talk to you now without it becoming a screaming match.

But each time he comes home without getting to kiss you more than just a little peck, tell you how much he loved you without you saying it back like it was beaten and forced out of your mouth, or even just to hear you laugh with him all day over the stupidest things, it was depressing. Just yesterday you kissed his cheek without him having to ask you for it, or lean in to do it himself. You didn’t smile much, you hadn’t for the past few days. But every time he hopes things would get better.

Many times, he thought it wouldn’t. And it was his fault a lot of the time, as well. You’d say a snide remark and he’d say something back. Next thing he knew you were both screaming at each other again, take another few hours off before one of you calls and apologizes. He knew none of the fights mattered much at all. He knew it all stemmed from you knowing he was hiding something and him never giving in.

He couldn’t give in. Then, he’d be forced to let you go. That was never going to happen.

But this… _this?_ This wasn’t how he ever thought things were going to be. For the most part, things got better. But not good enough for him to be as happy as he always had been with you. 

He wanted to hold you while you’d place your head snuggly into his neck, feeling you breathe into him and your mouth curving up when it placed gentle kisses into his skin. He wanted you to reassure him that you weren’t going to leave, that you still loved him just as deeply as he was always going to love you, that no fight was ever going to change that. He needed to touch you, physically love you. He wasn’t much of a shower of his emotions but when it came to needing that sort of love for himself, he was pretty selfish. He was probably just being a needy child, but he wanted that from you. Too many days have passed.

He wasn’t so sure this would work. It probably will, or not. You never actually brought it up before and when Bruce mentioned it, he could only think of the million different ways how it was definitely going to go wrong.

But he didn’t have much of a choice anymore. And he thought, just maybe, if you felt close to his family, you’d trust him again and things would go back to normal.

So, despite every end of his nerves pushing him out of the way, he managed to ask you to dinner at Wayne Manor, with Bruce, Dick, and Alfred meeting you for the very first time. And surprisingly, without a fight, you agreed. You didn’t sound so excited, or afraid, or even nervous at all. In fact, you seemed pretty confident. That was good, of course. He was going to need that confidence to rub off on him.

You looked absolutely radiant. Your hair flowing to your shoulders, your usual long-sleeved black dress and some red high heels for a pop of color. You looked relaxed enough to make his own nerves calm. And when he saw you, he couldn’t help his smile.

You locked the door to the apartment behind you, and when you walked down the steps, your skirt fluttered in the air. Good idea not to bring his bike.

Then you walked right in front of him, your hands in front of you. And you saw him smiling like a lunatic, head bashfully craned down and his hands stuck to his pockets.

“You look beautiful.”

You bit both your lips. “Shut up.”

He took too much of his time staring at you. At your hair, your face, how you started to blush like on your first few dates when things were still awkward and new between you two. You looked down at the ground.

He can waste a few more minutes.

Jason took a step closer to you, slowly grabbed your face and let you lean into him with those wanting, wideset eyes, then he kissed you.

His hair started sticking to his skin from the beads of sweat starting to pour down despite the cold, and your lips, how he missed the way you were so delicate with them mixed with the neediness of your tongue. He missed your scent, the feel of your hair in his fingers.

But you pulled away too soon, pressing your forehead. Your smile looked sad, just as tired as you had been. And his heart sank.

“We should go…” you said, pulling his arms away from you. Reluctantly, he agreed.

When you reached the manor, going up the stairs from the garages, he bumped the side of your shoulder. Jason took your hand, entangled your fingers between his own, then placed a kiss to the back of your hand.

But then you took your hand away from him. “Do you think I’ll do okay?”

He was so tired of you rejecting his touches.

“You’ll do great. You’re perfect,” he said.

You did that roll in your eyes you often did when you blushed. And he watched the look on your face when you walked over to the manor’s entrance, your jaw dropping at just the foyer.

“Alfred! We’re here!”

Your eyes went from the grand staircase to the tall butler sweeping in from the dining area. He had a piece of cloth around his arm, and when he both saw you, he slightly bowed.

“Y/N, this is our butler Alfred. Alfred, Y/N.”

You looked so pretty when you smiled like that, and when you shook Alfred’s hand, he was staring at you all giddy.

“So lovely to meet you,” Alfred said. “I’ll take your coat. Dinner will be ready in just a moment.”

“Thank you so much,” you kindly said.

“FINALLY, YOU’RE HERE! Y/N!!!”

At the sound of that very familiar voice of a grown man with a mind of a screaming five-year old child, Jason squeezed the bridge of his nose. Dick Grayson came running down from the staircase, dressed casually but smart in a collared shirt and jeans.

You definitely had that widening in your eyes most women often had the first time they see his brother, but it was subtle. You smiled back at him when Dick practically slid over to you, arms outstretched.

“Come on. I’m not about to give our little Jaybird’s girlfriend just a handshake.”

You laughed and naturally gave him a hug. Jason rolled his eyes. You were smiling brighter at that moment than you had the rest of the day. And when Dick did that light sway while holding you, Jason audibly scoffed.

“Jay,” Dick placed his hand on his shoulder. “She’s even more beautiful than you said she was.”

You blushed, but this time you were looking at him. Jason smiled back at you when your eyes locked onto each other for a moment longer.

“I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since you got together,” Dick said.

“I know. Seems like yesterday,” Jason made sure to catch that little flustered smile when you laughed and bit your lip.

“Awe,” Dick cooed. “You guys are ADORABLE.”

Your eyes went over to the ground, smiling, and when Jason was sure you wouldn’t see, he elbowed Dick’s stomach hard enough to make him flinch but not enough to make you hear it.

“Come on,” Dick ruffled Jason’s hair. “Have a seat.”

You all went to the living area where the fireplace was set up and burning just for the occasion. Bruce thought it would be good to make the place a bit homier and more welcoming. Jason thought it was over the top and completely unnecessary. Him being worried you making a good impression? Not even a little. Him worrying about Dick embarrassing you to death or Bruce trying way too hard to be a dad? A thing of his nightmares.

The fireplace was a good example. He made sure it was turned off when he left. And only now did he let out a groan too soft for you to hear when you stepped in and took a seat with the place smelling like coal and burnt wood.

You and Jason sat on the long love seat and Dick on the arm chair. He leaned over, asking you all about yourself, to which you happily responded as if the conversation wasn’t at all uncomfortable. Thankfully, it wasn’t. So far so good.

You spoke so calmly, so reserved, and he could feel you starting to enjoy your time here. And by god, he couldn’t stop staring at you the whole time you spoke. You noticed it, of course. Each time you finished talking you started scrunching your nose at him playfully, and he’d smile, chin on his arm looking at you like you were just the best thing in the whole world. Even with Dick talking, Jason couldn’t help placing his arm on your waist, just to be closer to you. And you leaned back. Not totally, trying not to make Dick look uncomfortable, but you tensed a little, especially when he squeezed your waist. He heard you clear your throat.

“You know,” Dick said. “Jason barely talks to us about his _feelings_.”

Jason rolled his eyes again.

“But, let me tell you, this guy’s definitely lucky to have you. And does he know it. Mentions you more times than he even notices.”

You couldn’t possibly have been surprised, but you laughed lightly, trying to smile. You didn’t look at him, but he felt you let out a sigh and your body started to tense even more.

He sadly looked down, and when you inched away, he took his hand away from your waist like he felt it break.

But then his eyes trailed behind you, at the entry way. “Bruce.”

That was when you stood stiff and brushed off the creases on your dress. Jason stood with you, hand behind your back to sooth you with his thumb. Bruce walked in, with a suit he often wears to work, then walked over to you two.

“Bruce. This is Y/N.”

“Evening, Mr. Wayne…”

“Call me Bruce.” He stretched out his hand, and you took it and shook it firmly. “Lovely to finally meet you. I’ve been meaning to for quite some time.”

“Me too. It’s such a pleasure to have me at your home.”

“Pleasure’s all mine.”

Okay. Not bad. Only four sentences in and he hasn’t said anything that made him want to jump out the window. _Progress_.

“Dinner is served, sir.” Alfred was at the door, arms outstretched to the dining area. You all walked in and Jason pulled out a seat for you.

The food was good. You were seated beside him, Bruce at the far end, and Dick right across him. You ate as you spoke, so reserved and polite. If you were like this everyday, no one would recognize you.

“Where do you plan to go for college, Y/N?” Bruce said.

“Jason actually helped me with the decision. I’m taking music at Gotham College of the Arts.”

“Ah. Good choice. Jason tells me you play the violin.”

There it was. It starts here. He told Bruce that you sang. Plenty of times. And that you played the piano and guitar sufficiently. Man with an IQ of 192 can’t remember that simple piece of information.

“No, actually,” you laughed it off. “I sing.”

“Dammit, Jay, you struck gold with this one.” Dick took a massive bite out of his fork.

The mashed potatoes in front of him _probably_ could make him suffocate if he tried.

“Thank you,” you smiled.

“That is impressive. We’d love to hear you sing some time. On one of our parties, maybe you could sing for us. My son’s girlfriend. The people would love that.”

“Okay.” Jason reached over the other end of the table to end the conversation. “Let’s not make her uncomfortable.”

“It’s alright. I would love to.”

More talk about the future, college, deliberately roasting the hell out of Jason with the three of you ganging up on him. If you didn’t look like you actually had fun, he would have stuck his fork down his thigh just to level the pain.

“Let me ask, do you know any martial arts of any sort?”

 _Fuck_.

“Uhm,” you said. “No, I actually don’t.”

“Well, I see you have strong ankles, good build, and your handshake back there felt strong. Your arms look like you pack a good punch. And you’re calm. Reserved. You should think about doing some training-”

“Bruce. Pass the orange juice.”

“Your glass is still full, Jason.”

Jason hurriedly gulped down the entirety of his glass. “Now it’s not.”

Bruce thought nothing of it and passed it to Jason. You shifted in your seat, but you were still smiling. Softly, he ran placed his hand on your thigh to soothe you.

A few moments of silence. Bitter. Cold. But better than anything else, he guessed.

“Now,” Bruce said, finishing up his food. “What are your intentions with my son?”

A large spat of juice spurted out of Jason’s nose and mouth, and he quickly wiped it off with his napkin. “ _Mother_ -“

“Jason, you and I haven’t exactly had _that talk._ And I want to make sure both of you know what you’re doing.”

“Who needs some more yams!?” Dick interrupted.

“Bruce. We are not talking about this.”

“I just want to know if you both are doing it properly and safely-“

You didn’t even look as uncomfortable as he was. You were trying so hard to bite off your laughter. Jason, on the other hand, just had the strength to talk through the juice he was tasting in his nostrils.

“You are both eighteen, now I’m not saying it isn’t allowed but-“

“Sir. More wine.” Alfred butted in.

There has never been so much chaos in a single room. It was like watching his own house burn in a fire and only getting to watch it outside, realizing he doesn’t have insurance and that his dog was still there and he couldn’t do anything to save him.

“I’m done eating. Come on Y/N. I’ll take you to the music room.”

“Is that what you kids call it these days!?” Dick burst into laughter.

Someday, he was going to murder his own family. In their sleep. Making sure they were looking straight into his eyes. 

He overheard them as they walked up the stairs.

“Sir, I recommend less alcohol the next time the boys bring in a friend.”

“Leave the door open, Jason!” Bruce called out to him.

Jason closed his eyes, imagined a white sandy beach with just you and him to calm his muscles so tense they were on the brink of explosion. You weren’t bothered at all, though. You were blushing, but when you were alone upstairs, you started laughing.

“Not funny.”

“Totally funny. I thought that guy was as stiff as a rock.”

“Bruce is only not embarrassing at moments when it doesn’t even matter.”

“Oh god,” you sighed, clutching your stomach. “I fucking love your family.”

You. Laughing. Holding and squeezing his arm so tightly. Then he took in the sound of your voice, so raw and genuine, holding back the rise in your pitch that usually happens when you were like this. This was what he wanted.

He decided to just shrug off his god-awfully embarrassing family and focus on you. At least it made you this happy.

“They love you, too. Too much.” He scoffed.

“Where’s the music room?”

“We’re not going there. I’m taking you somewhere else.”

“Oh,” you quirked up an eyebrow. “Where would that be?”

“It’s a place I found the first night I ran away from home. I came out this window right here. You can’t go there from the main entrance.”

Another set of stairs down the hallway. He held your hand. “Slow down, Todd. I’m wearing heels.”

“Might I say you look fucking fantastic in them,” he winked.

“I’m the same height as you now, Jay. And these heels aren’t even that high,” you laughed.

“I don’t mind.”

A window at the far end. He opened it, swung his leg over then helped you on your feet. Then there was a wide plane of grass, empty from being at the far-left side of the manor, then Jason led you to a part of the fence that hadn’t been charged with voltage enough to incapacitate a man. He held it open, the earthy musk filling his nose with the sense of adventure he yearned for with you, then when you were out of the vicinity, he helped you walk through the bushes and grass, with trees high above you and some debris on the ground.

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

It was actually not as near as he thought. Maybe it was because you walked much slower. But he enjoyed it, nevertheless. You were happier now, and it was the best sight to see since the day he met you. He held your hand tight, and you placed your other hand on his bicep. You were shivering. Thank god, it wasn’t snowing.

Walking through the forest, you looked up.

“Look,” you said. “Stars.”

He smiled before turning to your rosy cheeks and perfectly delicate lashes on your cheeks. “I know. We’re far enough from the city to see them.”

The leaves crinkling beneath his feet, he kissed your hand, and you kissed his back. You started leaning against his shoulder.

“Wow,” you said. “Is that a church?”

“A small chapel. Barely enough seats inside to sit fifteen people. But just look inside.”

You’d definitely compare this to one of your favorite movies, and he loved how much your face lit up at the spookiest things even he’s sometimes afraid of. The chapel, used to be white, was now a darkening pile of wood, barely safe enough to go into. There was a small, bronze bell at the top, a cross above the door, and even with the building itself not being so wide, its ceiling was tall enough to have a large circular stained glass just beneath the roof.

There was nothing else around it at all. Not even a cemetery. It was just by itself, being eating by the vines on the ground, and its roof was so rusted and brown that he could smell the staleness from where he was standing. To add to the creepiness, it was surrounded by trees enough to be completely dark, but with the flashlight from his phone, you could see everything. It was beautiful. You didn’t shake or feel scared at all. You smiled more the closer you stepped in.

“I think this used to be here all the way back to the wild west times.”

“Jason, this is amazing.”

The church pews were too broken to sit on, scattered on the sides of the floor. The altar was also completely hallowed out except for a small wooden table, a cross in the middle almost half his size, and a vase below it, probably to hold flowers.

Something he didn’t expect, but was so glad for, the moon was right above the stained glass, and from how brightly it shone, there was a single string of light, big enough to fill a large spot right in the center of the chapel’s aisle. He turned off the light of his phone.

Still standing by the door, you walked inside and stood right under that light.

Then you looked back at him, smiling so brightly and perfectly he swore the world moved just a bit slower so he’d catch every detail on your face.

Just you, in an empty, abandoned church. He placed his hands in his pockets with him unknowingly smiling at you so much his face started to hurt. You looked at him, then up at the stained glass, where you stayed for a long while just mesmerized by the light.

It hit your face just as perfectly as he’d envision. Your cheekbones were up in a smile, your dress staying still from the lack of wind. You looked so peaceful and seamless. Your eyes so wide, your nose crinkling from the dust, your hair so delicately laying on your back. All the emptiness in him, and every other feeling other than the slow, overwhelming warmth that came with a twisting in his ribs, he ignored it.

You were everything he wished for. Nothing he expected.

And just like that, Jason fell in love with you exactly like he did the first time.

Jason took his phone, then his earphones and plugged it in, scrolling for a song. He slowly walked over to you, and you took steps to close your distance between you and him.

He placed one earbud to his left ear and the other to your right.

.

_Tell me, tell me that you want me_

_And I’ll be yours completely, for better or for worse_

_I know, we’ll have our disagreements_

_Be fighting for no reason, I wouldn’t change it for the world_

_._

You had to catch your breath the moment you listened in to the lyrics. The words made you choke, even more when he took your hands, trailing his palms down your arms and placing them around his neck. He held your waist so delicately, then started to sway.

.

_You make my heart feel like it’s summer_

_When the rain is pouring down_

_You make my whole world feel so right when it’s wrong_

_That’s how I know you are the one_

_That’s why I know you are the one_

_._

You had your eyes closed, and finally, _finally_ , you leaned in to him without a chance at letting go. You swayed with him so naturally, your body felt one. He closed his eyes as well and basked in your warmth, your scent. The light was starting to fade, standing in the middle of the only source.

.

_Life is easy to be scared of_

_With you I am prepared for what is yet to come_

_‘Cause our two hearts will make it easy_

_Joining up the pieces, together making one_

_._

Your head slipped to his side so your cheek touched his. It felt warmer that way. He felt closer. You looked behind him, stuck your nose to his ear. You controlled your breaths before everything started crashing into you like a maniacal bus. You weren’t about to cry. Not even when your chest was twisting so much that it hurt. It was all so beautiful. Nothing that you thought wouldn’t overwhelmed you.

He kissed your cheek, and his lips stayed there indefinitely. You breathed in, pulled him even closer into your arms while still keeping your light swaying. He held you so close. And if it wasn’t just you, you could have sworn you felt a tear fall down to your shoulder. His tear. He held your waist tighter but still kept with his swaying. “I’m so sorry…”

“Shh…”

.

_When we are together you make me feel like my mind is free_

_And my dreams are reachable, oh oh oh oh_

_You know I never ever believed in love or believed one day_

_That you would come along_

_And free me_

.

He slightly pulled back and kissed you, so gently in the lips. You still held him as close to you as you could. The words. The dust flying about in the room. Nothing has ever felt so calm. The beating in the song, it matched the beating of his heart. Jason stopped swaying now and started holding the back of your head, never letting you slip from his hold.

You didn’t this time. You kissed him back just as equally wanting as he was. And he felt that love. The love he yearned too much from you.

.

_That’s why I know you are the one_

_That’s how I know you are the one_

_._

A love you’d never trade for anything. A love you’d always come back to no matter what. A love you never wanted to give up on, no matter how much life convinced you things weren’t about to get better. Even when the song ended, he held you, kept kissing you, and you weren’t about to count the minutes for it to end. This night. Nothing was going to end.

You wanted to beat yourself up for everything that happened, to let those days go to waste, sulking and letting your pride take the best of you. Oh, how he changed you, and so much for the better. Because now, you were going to let yourself lose. You were willingly going to put everything aside for him. Because no matter what, it all ends up boiling down to him.

Everything. He was everything. He was the stars. He was the trees. He was the soil beneath and the song you listened to. Jason was everything to you. And nothing, not even you, will get in the way between you being happily cradled in his arms.

“Happy Anniversary,” Jason whispered to your ear.

You were crying now. Definitely. With the clock striking 12, you’ve been with Jay for a year. The best year of your life. You kissed him again.

—–

He took you home later than anticipated. But you weren’t complaining. You just never wanted that rush of happiness and peace to end. He parked his car, held your hand even when it was just a small walk to your apartment, and when you reached the door, he kissed you again under the lamppost.

You giggled when he bit onto your lip, and with your arms around him, you pressed your noses together.

“Wanna stay over?” you winked.

You swore you heard Jason squeal. “Really?”

“Really,” you ran a hand down his chest. “It’s our anniversary. Let’s spend it right.”

“And your parents?”

“Dad isn’t here. Mom’s asleep.”

Feeling his hand further down your back, you kissed him again. “Come on.”

Jason nodded far too enthusiastically and you both kept your laughs as quiet as you could when you held hands walking into the apartment.

He closed the door behind him, then locked it. Taking your coats and shoes off, you laughed when Jason suddenly held your waist and slammed the both of you onto the bed.

You didn’t care about anything else any longer. You were there. Jason was there. You giggled. You straddled his hips. He kissed you until your lips were numb. You gripped on his hair. He couldn’t stop grinning. You couldn’t stop laughing.

You rolled around the bed for hours you didn’t count. Soft. Happy. Just as it was. You never felt so light hearted, so warm, yet enjoyed the coolness that ran through your skin where his body wasn’t touching.

He was flat on the bed, and you on top of him. His hands were on your waist, trailing down your back until he reached your ass. When he squeezed, you gasped and bit his lip, and this time, you didn’t move his hands away.

You mewled into his lips when he squeezed harder, moving your dress up so slowly and delicately you wouldn’t have noticed until his hot palms were massaging your bare ass. When you grinded into him, his grip tightened even further until his nails were digging into your flesh.

You sat up, and with his glistening eyes, mouth parted to let his tongue seep out, he watched you like you were a goddess.

You pulled on the hem of your dress, up off your arms and threw it across the room.

He looked adorable, gulping and flushing red at the sight of you. But he also looked like he was holding himself back from absolutely devouring you. He marveled over your body, eyes all over every inch of your now exposed skin. He licked his lips, practically drooling over the bed. His hands went up your hips, lingering up and down your waist, and with your hold, you led him up to your breasts.

Jason groaned and you felt him harden beneath you. You grinded, and the friction of his jeans against your thin panties, it was amazing. He let you roll your hips again, taking in your flushed skin and raw state. Wanting more, more of him, you pulled on his shirt and he sat up to help you get it off him.

Skin against skin, you moaned just at your body warmth being so pressed closely against each other. His lips were all over you. Your neck. Your lips. Your chest. Your shoulders. Your collarbone. Your lips again. Your cheek. Your breasts.

“Fuck…” you heard him whisper, and you realized his fingers were doing their best to take your bra off. Chuckling, you helped him.

And when he took it off, he looked like a ten-year old boy on his first-time watching porn. He kneaded your breasts, taking them in for a sweet, special moment, then you moaned your loudest when his lips wrapped around your nipple, gently nipping at them with his teeth, then circled his tongue around so much that his hot drool soaked down your skin.

Your hands were down to his jeans, taking his belt off. He pulled away and took them off for you, along with his underwear.

Drooling at the sight of his very hard cock, you held it in your hand. You’ve done this before. Jacked him off. But that was practically it. And now, as nervous as you were, you didn’t want to mess this up.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Jason breathed into your lips.

You nodded. “Yes… I’m ready. Are you?”

“Damn straight, I am.”

Laughing, he held your hand and guided you with your pumps, making it even harder as he raised his hips to thrust into your palm.

Biting into your neck, you pumped harder, now on your own, then you felt his own hand down your ass, reaching over to reach your clothed pussy from behind. You both moaned, and when you felt his fingers set your panties aside.

“Do you have-“

“Yeah… shit it’s in my wallet.”

You smiled and bit your nail while grinning as Jason pulled away from you, quickly raced to his jeans on the floor to get the condom from his wallet. “You’re a dork.”

Jason held the back of your head, kissed you, then pushed you onto the bed to let you lie on your back. He wasn’t in a hurry. You had the whole night. And you loved it. You threw your head back, spread your legs to let him settle between them, then his lips were back on your body.

Never have you felt so connected with anyone. And it was amazing. And you never felt so worshipped, so beloved. Jason suckled on your breasts, your hands an outlet by gripping ferociously onto his hair, then he kissed down your stomach, your navel, the patch of hair down _there_ once he shrugged you off your panties. And when you felt the cool air brush against your clit, it was replaced by his tongue. “Fuck, you’re wet.”

“Oh…” you screamed, mouth so rounded. Your head was at the edge of the bed, almost hanging, and you started seeing stars at just the mere sensation of Jason’s tongue on you. He wasn’t very skilled, yet, it felt good. Something so new, so wet and delicate and intimate. He lapped at your folds, and when he found your clit, he flicked his tongue over it.

“Jason…” you mewled, and he let you bring his head back to your level with just holding his hair. While you kissed all over his face, neck, and shoulders, he was looking down at his cock to put on the condom.

Lips on your cheek, breathing and whispering into your ear, your hands trailed down his back and settled on his rippling muscles.

Looking straight into your eyes, foreheads glued, you felt his fingers spread you apart, inserting into you to get you loosened up for him.

“Are you ready?”

“Yeah,” you gasped. Then his cock, so much thicker than his fingers, slid into your cunt. And at that, you felt one with him. You were one. You were one being.

Holding onto his shoulders, gripping so tight as you cried and felt yourself stretch around him, he hissed at the pain as well. “Fucking _shit_ , you’re so tight.”

“Fuck…” you moaned into his ear. You loved the pain, loved it so much you wanted to feel it over and over again. You loved the way he was inside you, pushing your walls apart. You loved it even more when he slightly shifted and felt him move inside you.

“Please, Jay…”

He kissed you to ease the pain, then he pulled back, he looked down and saw a bit of your blood on his cock and the sheets. “Shit…”

“It’s okay. Keep going.”

Lost in his eyes, he pushed back inside you, kissed you hard to conceal your gasps, then moved again. Again. Then again. You were biting into his shoulder, letting the surging buzz consume you. His hand went down to hold your ass, your thighs, he pushed them back so he could go in even deeper. “Oh!”

That’s when it started to feel _really_ good. He gained his pace, though still a bit uneven and sloppy, it felt good nevertheless. You were trembling under him, and you bit onto his lips.

You flipped over. He grabbed your ass, you held his neck. Then you started slowly bouncing onto his cock. Moaning your name, Jason caught your nipple in his teeth and you threw your head back.

All this just felt so unreal. You knew you were gonna have sex soon enough. But this? You could ignore the awkward. The mistakes. The cursing. The nerves. You just felt him, opening you up and showing you a whole new kind of love that made you feel so cherished and other-worldly. He held your hips, thrusted up to you to hit it even deeper. And as he did that, his thumb went over to your clit.

“Fuck! Yes, Jason!” you screamed. The bed was rocking, hitting the wall. You put your hand against it to keep you from falling over, but the mind-blowing surges were shooting up all over your limbs and you couldn’t even sit yourself straight up. But he held you. So tightly, he did.

One with him. All of him. You wanted everything that he was. Hands all over his body, lips where you could touch, you wanted every part of him and never did you want this to stop. You weren’t chasing anything. You just wanted him whole. You wanted this to last and feel him all night. And god, was it hot, feeling your ass slap his skin, his cock throbbing inside you. And the way he was holding you, looking at you to make sure you felt just as fucking amazing as he was, you clenched around him.

You were feeling something build up your core, down there where the shivers started to overtake. You held it off the best you can, but then Jason came first. He tightened around you, holding your body so hard you were going to bruise. He moaned your name over and over, into your ear, and the feel of his breath tickling your neck sent the hairs at the back of your neck stand. Mixed with the everything else going on, you wanted to explode.

And before his high ended, he slammed into you so good and fast, you instantly came apart.

An orgasm like this felt so much deeper, like it came from all the way inside you in places you’d never otherwise reach. And it was all over you, all over your limbs. So uncontrollably overwhelming, and the best part was, it came from him. Jason. Fuck, this was the best thing ever.

You both fell flat on the bed, panting. You were on top of him, on his chest, and with the last of his strength, he pulled you closer and placed a kiss on your head.

It took a while for the high to subside. When it did, Jason threw the condom into a nearby trash can and pulled out your blanket to wrap both of you around it. You snuggled into his chest.

“I love you…” you said into his ear.

Grinning so wide, Jason pulled you closer. “I love you.”

—-

**Now**

You didn’t tell the therapist _everything,_ but you told her enough.

“So you made up after that fight after all?”

You nodded. “After a few days, yes. I met his family, he made sure our anniversary was memorable, and at that moment, I loved him more than ever.”

The therapist leaned over, letting you take a moment to smile sadly at that memory. Until now, you could still feel his arms around your naked body, cuddled while the first snowfall of the year happened outside.

You remembered how at that moment, all you thought about was how you had so much hope for things to finally get better, just like it always was. That everything in front of you would be nothing but pure happiness and utter carelessness, mess around with your boyfriend, have a blast and enjoy your youth.

You knew, deep in your heart, that bad things were inevitable, but at that time you thought it were only from fights, the normal like. The kind you were used to. The kind that was expected. You knew it wasn’t always going to be perfect. But you’d do it all over again. Just like the song you danced to said in that beautiful night at the chapel. Over and over again. That was what you hoped for.

But you never thought that the absolute worst thing you ever could have thought of ended up being what happened.

“I really did forgive him after that.”

“But?”

“But…”

You felt your heart shatter at the thought of how that memory turned out to be one of the last good ones. Like a moment in time you wished had just stopped there, frozen forever. You desperately wanted to go back, relieve that happiness that seemed so everlasting even when it wasn’t.

Maybe, in a way, it was everlasting, because you could play that memory so easily recalled from the back of your mind.

Gripping your own thighs, you breathed.

“That was also the night I found out where he got those bruises…”

She looked intrigued, pulling out her notebook. “It seems this reason brings you anger.”

“At first, it did…”

“What was it?”

You were going to have to lie. Thankfully, you thought this through the moment you decided to be here.

“He runs away from home a lot. And when he does, he goes back to his old neighborhood for… things he hadn’t settled yet since before he was adopted by Bruce. A lot of thugs live there. And they know who he is. Sometimes just a light punch in the gut. Sometimes he gets beaten down.”

She wasn’t allowed to react judgingly, but you saw her look at you differently when you mentioned that. “I see…”

“I found out about it when he left the room and saw him turn to his old street from out my window.”

“Did he know? That you found out?”

You looked down at your hands. “No…”

—–

**Then**

You were woken up by light kisses down your face. You smiled, humming to his lips. But when you woke up finding it was still dark, Jason already dressed and standing over your bed, you sat up.

“You’re leaving?”

“I have to go, okay? Bruce is looking for me. I’ll be back after lunch tomorrow.”

You didn’t want him to leave. You pouted, holding his hand refusing to let go. He just laughed and kissed your eyelids. “I’ll be back before you wake up in the morning, then. You won’t notice I’m gone.”

“Fine.” You leaned back on the bed. Giving you one last kiss to your face, he walked over to the door.

You smiled at him, and he smiled back. he left the room with your heart so light and happy and everything you yearned for with him.

But you weren’t able to go back to sleep. You just lied there on your empty bed, seeing the light outside coming to a light purple. Your legs were aching. Your whole body was throbbing. Sex was fucking amazing. You definitely wanted another round when he comes back tomorrow.

Grabbing your dress, you pulled it on and went out to get a glass of water. All that panting made you wake up extremely thirsty.

Then, you opened the window of your fire exit to let in some air. Drinking from your glass, you watched the dim sky and the lights of the city shining against it.

A figure. At the far-off rooftop.

You squinted your eyes and leaned over the window.

It was jumping around, leaping from one roof to another. He was in a hurry. It was a man. No. A boy?

And with the sky giving you enough light, you saw red and yellow on his suit. And a cape on his back. You saw him fire something from his hand, then he shot up to a rooftop.

Robin?

Bewildered, you watched in awe.

You’ve never seen him in action before. Just in news articles from photographers at night trying their best to have a good picture of him, which they almost never do.

He moved so quickly. And he was getting closer. Close enough for you to notice his movements and his hair.

A head of black hair, bouncing as he moved, it reminded you of the way it did when Jason-

No.

_No._

_No._

_No._

_No…_

The glass in your hand broke into thousands of shards when it met the ground.


	14. We're Done

At the back of his car, parked in the school’s driveway, he pulled you into the backseat before he was just about to take you home.

Your legs were over his lap, his arm around you leaning against the car door and his other hand resting comfortably over your breast, you sighed into his warmth. And because it was heated inside, the windows were too fogged up for anyone to see you.

Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason.

For one thing, the sex was phenomenal. He was getting so good at it.

 _So_ good at it. You could have all your filthy daydreams all day.

You just loved it when he takes careful notice of how you react to the million different ways he touches you, how he explores your body well enough to give you an even better orgasm than the last one. And how he handles you, so gentle, cherishing each part of you, making you feel so treasured and precious. If there was a book on how to love someone, this was an entirely new section you never found out about until now. Fucking was one thing. But doing it with someone you’d give up your own life for, someone you loved so tremendously, it was certainly the most beautiful thing in the world. He’d kiss every part of you, make you feel like you were made of gold by the way he holds you so delicately. But when it calls for it, your hips end up getting bruises and you’d barely be able to walk the next day. _Fuck_ , you were obsessed with it. It had only been a few months, and still you could barely keep your grabby hands off him.

But that was just one thing. You haven’t had a fight in so long, you could barely remember the last time you were mad at him. And when you did, you wanted nothing more than to forget it. As far as you knew, each second you spent with Jason was the last, and it would all be a waste if you weren’t trying your best at being happy with him. He kisses you more. Tried better to make you feel like you were the world. Every Friday he stays over at your place for the night and you’d end up staying awake the whole time watching movies, talking, fucking, or sneaking out into the city.

And the urban exploring. There were so many places abandoned in Gotham it was a surprise the city was still up at all. From all the monstrous villain attacks that end up leaving some mall too destroyed, a church too unsafe to have people in, an old toy shop forgotten, carnivals, mansions, and most of all, asylums. You and Jason have gone through so many of these places, it was always going to be something special that only you and him shared. Even when the places were borderline haunted, you’d hold his hand, look around and up at the roofs about to fall in, and it would be the best things to remember.

But…

There was just one thing that held you back.

“Hey,” you whispered, and he went down to kiss your neck. “Can you take me home now?”

“Just a sec.”

You gasped when he took your earlobe in with his teeth.

“Let’s continue this at home.”

Jason smiled, then his phone rang. You kissed his cheek and neck while he answered, hand trailing down his crotch.

“Bruce?”

You kept going, straddling his lap while licking his neck. He held back a groan, but he grinded up to you.

“Shit. Can I take a pass?” he said. He held the back of your head and pulled you away before he’d moan, but you kept going.

“Fine.”

He hung up, then you felt him sigh. “What’s wrong?”

“I have to take you home now. I got to go…”

You stopped, then pulled away to look at him in the eye, then look down. “Hey,” he kissed you again. “I’ll call you tonight. I won't be out too late.”

You slid off him and forced yourself to smile.

“It’s fine.”

You hadn’t told him yet. And frankly, you didn’t want to. You weren’t sure you believed it yourself.

“What is it that he’s asking you to do, again?”

You watched every detail on his face.

“He wants me to work in his company. I’m his assistant. Some sort of sidekick,” he laughed.

You forced yourself to buy it.

So even with a thought at the back of your mind, something that had lingered for months since that night of your first time, you chose to ignore it, or just not believe it entirely. Whatever it was, it wasn’t true. What you saw wasn’t actually there. And if it was true, it would break everything you worked so hard to build for months. You weren’t going to let that happen. So as long as he was okay, alive, with you, nothing else should matter.

Should it?

\-----

It would have been so easy.

Penguin. On his knees, unarmed and struggling to even get up. There were dozens of guns around the room left by his unconscious goons. And with Robin standing over him, having the liberty of doing whatever it was he wished onto this sick, corrupted little man, Robin had every reason to end this son of a bitch’s life. Just a few weeks ago he put Dick in a coma in Bludhaven. This was supposed to be when they bring him to justice, to bring everyone he’s ever killed to justice.

A pistol, sitting right in front of him. It was so easy to pick up, place right up against Cobblepot’s twisted skull, and pull the trigger.

But then…

_Then…_

He found himself doing that very same act, just when he thought it had only been a thing of his mind. Robin held a gun in his hand, pointed it right into the Penguin’s head. And in that split second, he realized what he was doing.

A batarang came flying in and pierced his hand. Robin dropped the gun, hissing and falling to his knees on the ground.

Batman never looked at him so furiously.

Brought into the cave, Robin started for the door.

“Good night.”

“Jason-“

“I said good night.”

“ _JASON._ ”

He knew what was about to happen. So many times, he’d been warned. Weeks and weeks have happened and still, Jason managed to do that. Any second longer, Cobblepot would be dead, and Jason would be a killer. He proved to everyone and himself that he was willing to take a life, something Robin wasn’t supposed to stand for.

Jason stopped, his hand injuring itself from gripping too hard.

“Take that suit off,” Batman said. “And leave it here. For good.”

“You’re kidding me-“

“ _FOR GOOD!_ ”

He looked at Bruce dead in the eye. The larger man was unmoving, furious beyond belief, and had just about enough of his rebellious antics. Jason knew exactly what was going to happen and did it anyway. Did he do it on purpose? To show Bruce that despite being by his side for so many years, his beliefs never rubbed off on him? That after all those years taking care of himself, he, having twice as much street smarts as Bruce and Dick combined, knew that the only real way of ridding the world of a villain’s horrible doings was to rid the world of the villain entirely?

Bruce wouldn’t know. He’d been sheltered far too much in his life. But Jason’s life was a disaster enough for him to know Robin’s ideals just weren’t for him. That he was destined for something so entirely different, far from what Dick was doing, from anybody else. He was right. He was no Dick Grayson. He never will be.

So fine. Let Bruce take the suit.

“You know damn well keeping him alive kills hundreds more, Bruce. How do you live with that?”

“I live knowing I keep myself from being just as much of a killer as he is. You don’t know half the things I’d do if I fell into that hole.”

“Then you're a coward,” Jason fired back. “You can't control yourself. That’s on you. Think of all the people you could have saved.”

“And the people I’ll kill? So many more.”

Bruce left the cave.

Jason stormed into his room, ripped his suit off and threw it right across the hall.

Then he punched the wall hard enough to leave a small dent.

He didn’t scream or break anything more. He was lost. He knew he wasn’t going to find himself for a longer time than he’d think. He stayed against that wall, his fist in a hole, long enough to find any thought he could focus on, but it was true, no matter how much he tried to go with Bruce’s fucking morals, he ended up falling right back into his own.

He did kill that man. The one that fell four stories off a building. He killed him. The blood was on his hands. And all this? It was all just a way for him to justify what he did so he wouldn’t get eaten up by the guilt. Or the lack of guilt, thereof. That was what he feared of himself the most.

Because even after he’d realized he’d killed that man, he felt nothing. In fact, he was proud of it. And he’d do it again. Over and over. So long as it were the people who’d killed so many more, left so many families empty and broken, he’ll never feel a shred of regret. And that was what he was trying to make up for. He was afraid of himself, of what he’ll become.

Being Robin was the only thing holding him back from being what he was truly meant to be. That he had ideals to follow whether or not he agreed to them. He had something to tell him what was supposed to be. And now, without the suit, he knew he’d have to succumb. He’ll have to become someone he had always believed in. and even though he loved Bruce, Dick, Alfred, he was always going to fight for the people. Not justice. Not himself. For the people. No matter what it takes, that’s where he’s headed.

And good god, did it scare him. It scared him to death.

His phone rang. You. He forgot he promised to call you that night.

“Asshole.” He heard your voice, and he slid with his back against the wall, eyes shut close.

“Sorry. I was just about to call.”

“You sound beaten up. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m tired.”

“Are you sure-“

“Yes,” he sighed, running his wet palms over his scrunched-up face. He wanted to break everything he could get his hands on. His whole room. Everything he could touch. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.

But everything with you was going so well...

“I can come over if you want. I have a movie I’ve been wanting us to watch.”

“It’s fine. You stay there.”

You were silent. For a while.

“Can we watch it this Friday?”

“I don’t think I can go there tomorrow. I’ll just see you in school.”

“Why not?”

He counted to ten. The last thing he wanted was to lash out on you.

“Just… I’ll try, okay?”

“Fine,” you grunted. “I’ll just go to bed, then.”

“Good night.”

He heard you scoff. “What is wrong with you?”

“You said you wanted to go to be-“

“Fine. Maybe I will.”

You hung up.

Months since your last fight. And just like that, you hated him again.

The dent in the wall turned into a hallowed-out hole he’d punched over and over.

\-----

You had every right to be mad at him.

But, after knowing what you know now, you chose not to.

Jason kept his eyes on his food and tried his best not to look at you. Expecting you to ignore him, or possibly destroy your tray like you’d do when you fought, he looked up at you in surprised when you suddenly took his hand.

His eyes. They looked so sad, and yet so beautiful. You had changed. For him.

“I’m not mad at you…”

He swallowed his food, licked his lips, then with a long, deepening sigh he nodded at you. “Okay…”

“If there’s anything wrong, you can tell me.”

“Nothing. There’s nothing wrong.”

He rubbed his thumb over your hand, then slowly pulled away so he can go back to eating. You let it slide.

And this. It went on for days. You didn’t fight. But he wasn’t happy, either. He still kissed you, held you when he could. But he had so much in his mind you just knew he was never going to tell you. One thing you did notice, in fact, the bruises he came home with had almost completely disappeared. So with that, you were contented.

Until…

“Y/N and Brandon. You will be partners for this project.”

“Absolutely not,” you cried out in class. “I want another partner.”

Another jock stood up, “I’ll be your partner, hot stuff!!”

“ _DOWN!”_ You screamed, and he fell to his chair shivering.

“I want another partner,” you said to the teacher. He brushed you off, however. You wanted to choke him right at that second.

Brandon, on the other hand, looked amused. And when class ended, you went straight up to him.

“Football Freak. Tell Jerry we can't be partners.”

“Come on, Y/N. It’ll be fun. If you want I’ll take you over to my house-“

“I will tear out your eyes and step over them with my heels, you shit-headed troll.”

“There you go again with those petty little insults.” Brandon stood you off, and he’d gotten bigger now. “We both know you want thi-“

His body hitting the lockers was loud enough to turn everyone’s head. And they immediately looked at you.

But you hadn’t moved a muscle.

Jason, with the veins on his forehead looking so close to popping, grabbed Brandon by the collar once again and held him up against the wall.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Todd?!”

He didn’t even respond. Jason started punching him mindlessly on the floor. Hit after hit, you saw how his knuckles bruised. You called out his name, but he didn’t listen. Brandon’s blood already spilled on the floor and he kicked him off, and Jason landed on the ground. Wiping the blood off his lips, he lunged after Jason.

One hit to the face, but again, Jason was far too skilled for him. Grabbing his foot, he stretched it all the way to his back, and smashed his face to the ground. The crowd erupted in cries, some cheering for Jason. Some for Brandon.

They rolled on the floor. No one was trying to stop them. Jason managed to stand back up, grab Brandon by the shirt and slammed him right against the concrete walls. You heard a loud grunt and a tooth might have fell out.

And just before he went after Brandon again, you stepped in.

You didn’t even hold him back, or grab his arms just to stop him. All you did, and the only thing you needed to do, was stand in front of him, hold your hand up to his chest, and look at him straight in the eye.

So many times, Jason held you back from doing the same. He’s stopped you from almost pulling a girl’s hair right out of her scalp, from slamming someone’s head right into a concrete pillar. He’s stopped you from ruining someone’s life just by the psychological twisting of your words. You had your own jealous rage that was so easy to lash out on. Even just talking to another girl made you all crabby. And you knew he had his own as well.

But _his_ jealousy. _His_ was so much worse.

Now. Just now, you hoped he’d listen to you just as you’ve always listened to him. He did stop. And you forced him to look at you in the eye.

You saw him try to calm himself.

“ _ASSHOLE,”_ Brandon cried out. _“YOU JEALOUS I WAS TALKING TO YOUR BITCH OF A GIRLFRIEND?!”_

Jason’s head boiled and he tried to push you away, but you didn’t let him. You stood your ground, grabbing his shoulders. “Jason, stop-“

“ _NEWSFLASH. WE USED TO DATE, JACKASS. ALL THE WAY BACK TO EIGHTH FUCKING GRADE._ ”

“ _SHUT UP!!!”_

You never let go. You still held on to him. Grabbing his hand, you pulled him towards the door. “Jason, let’s go home.”

 _“HOPE YOU FEEL GREAT ABOUT GETTING TO TAP THAT ASS, JASON TODD-_ “

You grabbed a book from one student’s arms and slammed its spine right at Brandon’s already bruised face. He fell to the floor.

“ _Jason, take me home right now_.”

He tried so hard to shrug you off, but eventually, he went with you, and you both stormed out of the school, went right to his car before any of the teachers would find him.

You felt his hand shaking. His whole body was at that point. And when you reached the car, you tried to grab hold of him.

And he pushed you away so forcibly you almost tumbled. “Jason-“

“Get in the fucking car.”

You watched him wipe the last of his blood from his busted lip, then walk over to the driver’s seat before slamming the door so hard you could have sword the window broke behind him. Swallowing, you went in the passenger seat.

He never drove out of that parking lot faster than he did.

The best thing you could have done was console him, speak in the lightest voice you could and make sure you let him know you didn’t think he did anything wrong. That was all he needed.

But you didn’t do that.

Instead, you looked straight forward, blocking out all the noises, and sat as still as you could.

“Jason, we were barely even talking-“

“I don’t want you anywhere near that guy.”

“I wasn’t-.”

“Is it true?”

You bit your lip. “What?”

“You and Brandon? Is it true?”

You desperately wanted to go back somehow and beat the crap out of Brandon yourself. You wanted him unconscious. Worse. Dead.

You wanted to put all the blame on him instead of admitting this time, that you were in the wrong. So wrong.

You gulped, took in the cold, stale air, then whispered. “Yes…”

He slammed his fist against the car horn and you flinched at the horrible, ear shattering noise.

“ _YOU SAID YOU NEVER DATED ANYONE BEFORE.”_

_“IT WAS IN EIGHTH FUCKING GRADE. IT LASTED A MONTH. IT WAS STUPID AND IT DIDN’T MEAN SHIT. I TELL THAT TO EVERYONE ’CUZ I WANT TO PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED WITH THAT ASSHOLE.”_

_“YOU FUCKING LIED.”_

_“IT WAS NOTHING. WE WERE KIDS. I WAS BEING STUPID. IT WASN’T EVEN A REAL RELATIONSHIP.”_

_“YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE HIM.”_

You breathed. But nothing has felt so hard to do. Your visions became so much of a blur and nothing in front of you made much sense anymore.

“I remember. You told me in that fucking library. That he hit on you and you rejected him…”

You bit your lip. “How was I supposed to know we’d get together…”

“You could have told me anytime the past year, Y/N,” he faked a laugh. “Never once did you mention any of that.”

“You hated that guy to the bone. If I had told you, you’d have hated me, too.“

He violently stepped on the break, and your body was thrown back against the chair. He was an inch away from slamming into another car.

“You. Lied.”

“It wasn’t a big deal…”

“It is to me.”

“So this is what you mean when you get just as jealous as I do?” you scoffed. “You’re blowing this way out of proportion-“

“ _YOU ALMOST KILL PEOPLE WHEN THEY SIT NEXT TO ME.”_

_“AND YOU DIDN’T DO THE SAME THING JUST NOW?!”_

_“YOU-“_ he slammed his fist against the window. “ _FUCK THIS._ ”

You weren’t crying, though you really fucking wanted to. You wanted to show him just how much he hurt you. And nothing came out. You sat there, an empty, dry-eyed idiot.

“I’m not going to apologize for this,” you said.

“You’re proud of what you did? That’s big. Even for you.”

“I told you. It was nothing.”

“That dickhead didn’t seem to think so.”

“If it weren’t him, would you still whack his brains out?”

“Y/N,” he growled. “If it were just about anyone- _anyone­_ -in the whole damn building, I’ll beat them to a bloody pulp.”

“How fucking romantic.”

“Like you're just so _adorable_ when you get jealous.”

“ _GOD_ , _YOU-“_ you stuffed your head into your palm. When was this fucking car ride going to end?

“What other things are you keeping from me?”

_“OH. SO WE’RE BACK TO THAT FUCKING CONVERSATION?”_

_“_ What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“You don’t go out at night? You don’t get into fights? You’re not hiding anything from me at all?”

“I told you I-“

“That you’re what?”

“I get into fights! Exactly like this one!”

“At night?!”

A volcano just about to erupt. There was no way you can keep this down anymore. You couldn’t hold this in. Not for a second longer.

And when you watched Jason being silent, looking away from you with his whole face as red of anger as your own, you knew it was true. He was practically outrightly admitting it right now.

And your heart. It never once felt as heavy as it did now.

“ ** _I know you’re Robin_**.”

He reached your house, stopped just by the curb.

Silence.

Your heart was beating so frantically in your chest, yet you didn’t move. You stopped breathing. You looked right in front of you and he did the same.

You wanted desperately for him to say just about anything to contradict what you’d said, to tell you convincingly that it wasn’t true, that you were being insane. Perhaps even tell you another truth that would have been less believable but a lot better to take in. You wanted him to tell you he never hid anything from you, and you’ll happily take the fall for this one.

If he denied being Robin, you’ll apologize for what happened with Brandon. You’ll pour out you're entire fucking heart and soul to beg for his forgiveness. You’ll lose just about everything about yourself trying to prove to him that you’ll always, always be truthful and that you never once thought of lying to his face knowing it would hurt him in the end. All you needed was just a word of denial. Fuck it being so convincing. If he just said it wasn’t true, then you’ll willingly let this go.

But all you heard was the heartbreaking, bitter silence.

His head frozen in place, eyes locked onto the window. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t look at you.

And at that, your heart broke beyond repair.

And you knew nothing was going to get you out of this. Every fight. Every argument. It never felt like you’d never get through it and you always ended up forgetting what happened, move on, and be just as happy with him as the last day. No fight ever made you feel like you’d never want to go through it all again if it meant you didn’t get to lose him.

But now. There was no getting through this. There was no fixing this.

He got those bruises from fighting, alright. He didn’t lie about that. He just completely left out the part about him being a costumed vigilante, blatantly walking right into death’s door willingly every single night. And he had been for years. He never once hinted anything to you.

And even if you did fix this, would you want a boyfriend you’d have to worry about every night? That he wouldn’t come home at all? Would you marry him, have a family? Have your kids understand that their father died for people he didn’t even know? Would you survive that heartbreak?

Well, your heart was definitely broken now.

“ **We’re done** …” Jason said.

It all didn’t seem so real.

“For good.”

But you understood. Entirely. What did he expect? That you’d object? That you’d beg for him to stay despite everything and apologize on his behalf?

He lost you the moment he admitted to it, despite him not saying anything at all. And now, you lost him. Forever.

“ _Goodbye, Jay_.”

You slammed the door behind you and never looked back.

\-----

**Now**

You were crying your heart out by now. And the therapist, well, she just watched with so much pity for you, you’d have been embarrassed if it wasn’t her job to watch you cry.

“I never once thought that thing with Brandon affected him so much…”

“I think,” she said. “It was amplified by all the other things he was dealing with at home. You said he was already in some kind of mood before all this happened?”

“Yes. He was. Days before. Something happened with him and Bruce. He was upset for a while.”

“It wasn’t just with Brandon, then. It just happened to coincide.”

She gave you a box of tissues, and you took it, taking three from the box and wiping your eyes.

“I guess… but it was after I told him about what I knew when he broke up with me.”

The therapist nodded. “I see. And do you regret letting him know that?”

You looked at the ground.

“If I’d have seen him in school, have the time to realize I should call him back, I don’t think it would have done us any good to keep it more of a secret…”

You gulped.

“ _But I had known that was the last time I was ever going to see him_ …”

There it was. Three years-worth of guilt, all put into words. It came crashing down like the shittiest story ever told and the therapist looked at you like she was about to cry as well.

But this was your story. Your shitty story. Everyone cried from this.

“If I had known, I would have happily kept it for the rest of my life…”

The therapist looked at the ground with you as well.

“I don’t think… that would do any good…”

“He died a few days after that,” you blurted out. “Our break up got him depressed, and he ran away from home one night, chased after some crime leader in his neighborhood to air out his anger and it cost him his life. _That’s_ why I blame myself for all this. _That’s_ why I’m gonna have to live with the fact that _he died because of me_. I let him go too soon. I shouldn’t have gotten out of that car. I should have told him how this was all going to work out. But no, I didn’t. I got out of that car and he died from it.”

Another lie. You knew exactly how he died. It wasn’t from a small-time thug in his neighborhood. It was from someone too utterly deranged to even mention.

“If I had just stayed behind, told him how much I loved him, that I never would have wanted to waste what we had for nothing, he would still be alive. None of this would have happened. I was a coward and I had an unbelievable amount of pride. He died because of that. Because of me.”

The therapist took her mug from the side table, sipped from it, and looked at you. You were covering your face with your hands. “Y/N…”

You looked up at her, your face a mess.

“You can't blame yourself-“

“I do. And I always will.”

She sighed, then gave you the moment you needed of silence.

“He didn’t die because you subjected him to it without his consent. He died because of the horrible way he dealt with it. He died from himself. He picked that fight because he was afraid he’ll lose you. And he did the same when he actually did lose you.”

You looked up.

“It was beyond your control.”

“I could have stopped it…”

“You wouldn’t have known…”

“And that’s why I’m always going to live with it. I didn’t know. I was stupid enough to think he was strong enough to keep himself alive. I have to live with the fact that the last time I ever got to see him was in a stupid fight…”

She stood up and went to her table, grabbing a mug and filling it with water. She gave it to you, and you took it. “Thank you,” you said with your nose filled.

She took her seat. You were silent now. You were giving her a chance to speak. Hopefully to change all this.

“Sometimes, we end up losing people too soon, and we most often regret what we said, or what we didn’t say, the last time we saw them.

“But what of the last few months? You said it was perfect. The best months of your relationship. You were happy with him. And that’s months compared to the one single day you fought. Sometimes, it isn’t about where you got to in the end. It’s about how you spend most of the days you did have. And you were happy. He was happy.”

You looked up from the floor and watched her kind eyes.

“And I think your boy had many issues with himself. At home. With a dysfunctional family. It wasn’t just you, Y/N. It was everything built up. You breaking up was just a symptom of it. All you did was make his life more bearable. Better. I think he would have said that right now if he were here.”

You sipped at your water, feeling the cold pour down your throat.

Better. Sure. Like you didn’t absolutely ruin his life right after that.

\-----

**Then**

Love was never truly something to understand.

You never understood it at all. Neither did Jason. But you both knew it was something so beautiful, something you thought you could only ever have with each other.

They said love is just a type of sanity that society accepted. And it was true. Definitely. You fell so hard for him you were borderline insane. And love made you hurt in so many ways you never thought it could. It was never something to understand. It was just something to feel.

Love isn’t about light and darkness. It isn’t about how people are compatible. It is about depth. It is infinite.

And when it destroys, it hurts more than any kind of physical hurt there was. Love destroys so much; it has ruined so much of the world. The fucking Trojan War was caused by love. And how many died from that? Thousands, not including the civilians affected in battle. All because of a woman named Helen. Men fought over her, for love. And it ended up burning cities.

It’s both a beautiful and ugly being. It is, in fact, a being. An entire entity. And it goes around, striking so many in the heart and leave them helpless beyond fix. It chooses who to hurt. Some, just one sided, and it hurts like a bitch when it does. And when they’re lucky, two people fall for each other.

And when it ends, it hurts even more.

Wrecked beds. Walls filled with fist-shaped holes. Glass broken on the floor. Sheets thrown out. Books torn. Desks almost destroyed. Clothes thrown out in piles. Chairs thrown against the wall. Shelves falling to the ground. Mirrors broken in pieces.

Jason destroyed everything in his room. And you destroyed everything in yours.

Two people with equal darkness. Equal anger. Equal demons. In so many ways, you were perfect together. In some ways, it creates the kind of chaos no one could possibly interfere with.

.

Jason grabbed his desk chair, the one he’d just bought after he destroyed the last one, and slammed it on the floor repeatedly until it was in three separate pieces. And even then, he took a piece, and slammed it again.

.

You grabbed your brush. Your pencil holders. Your books. Your bags. Your fucking laptop. And you threw everything all the way to the other side of the room. Your mother probably heard you by now. But she didn’t think to knock.

.

Jason threw the chair pieces away and started for his desk. His fist was bruised by now, but he could barely feel the pain if it was even there at all. He threw everything off the surface, started balling his fist and slammed it right against the table. Over and over. He wanted it destroyed.

.

You still felt that rage. You wanted it gone. You took your clothes, started tearing them with their bare hands, then you let your tears fall as you took everything out from your closet. Nothing. Nothing worked. It was just as strong as it had been. It was always there.

.

His phone started to ring. He didn’t care who it was. He took his phone, threw it against the wall and heard the sparks burst out of it. It fell into pieces on the ground. He went over it, stepped on it with his foot repeatedly until it was broken beyond any kind of repair.

.

Your scissors. Your fucking scissors. You took your entire fucking drawer full of scissors and started hauling them right into the wall, one by one like you would with darts. They stuck on their sharp ends. You grabbed them, threw them at the door. And when your mother walked in, dodging a pair of scissors just before it landed near her head, you screamed for her to get out.

.

Bottles. From when he drank a boatload of booze the night before. He grabbed them, started throwing them against the window. Each time he did, it created a new crack, getting larger and larger the harder he threw the bottles. Finally, the window broke, and he shivered at the new rush of cold air.

.

You wanted to punch something. Anything. You started with the pillows but the lack of pain did nothing to ease your muscles. So you went for the wall. You punched it. Repeatedly. Then your hand broke by your own strength and you screamed immensely at the pain.

.

He tore his bed. The sheets. The pillows. The whole floor was filled with feathers by now and he couldn’t care less. He ripped everything with his bare hands, threw them across the room. The mattress was all that’s left. And even then, he started to tear it open.

.

You started hearing his voice. His damned voice. The one you’d hear when he’d console you, rub your back, places kisses on your head. You cursed at that voice and screamed your heart out just to block it out. But nothing worked. It was all you heard.

.

All he could see was your beautiful, untainted face. And he desperately wanted to forget it. He wanted to forget everything about you. He saw you in the mirror. And with his fist, he slammed it until it shattered around him.

.

You still couldn’t stop hearing his voice. This time it was screaming at you for what you did. It was all over the room. Echoing so loudly within the walls of your skull. You fell to the ground and started pulling your own hair. You screamed at the pain.

.

He closed his eyes. You. you. you. It was all he saw. Your face when you’d calm him down. The look in your eyes that always made his heart melt. He stopped punching. He stopped destroying. In the middle of his wrecked room, he sat down and leaned against the foot of his bed.

.

The tears that you unknowingly held back were here. And they wouldn’t stop pouring out of you. uncontrollably. They fell. You were crying, screaming into the cold, empty air, and still, you heard his voice screaming just as painfully.

.

Jason never cried so much in his life. Not when his father left. Not when his mother died. Not when he almost dies of hunger one night in the streets. Not when he was first told he was adopted. Never. Not once did he cry. And now, his head against the mattress so torn and destroyed, he sobbed, and your face was all he saw.

.

You pressed your face against the floor. You hated him so much. You hated how he made you fall in love with him so fucking hard and leave you hurting this much. You hated how he ruined your life, changed you when you never asked to be changed. You hated how you loved him. You hated how you still did.

.

He wished he was dead. He wished everything never happened. He never should’ve picked that fight, or accepted that detention sentence in the library. He wished he never met you, never fell in love with you, never hoped for something and lose himself so far off that he’d never climb out of it.

.

The anger was all too much. You hated him, but you hated yourself even more. You hated yourself for everything that happened, how you ruined it. How you ruined him. And you hated yourself most of all, because all you could think about right at that moment was how, despite everything, you still wished he wasn’t nearly as hurt as you. You still cared so deeply for him, enough that you wished he’d be okay.

.

Jason was never going to be okay. He’ll never get out of this. He threw his head against the hard mattress and sobbed his heart out. He screamed, gripped on his hair. And he swore, with all his life, he was never going to replace you. he was never going to find anyone else that could possibly fill in the hole you left him. Let that hole be. He didn’t want himself fixed. If he were to be hurt, he only wished that it were by you.

.

You gripped on the carpet and let the burn seep through your palm. You never needed him this much before. Ever. You never yearned for his hold, for his real voice to whisper in your ear as much as you did now. You never wanted his lips on you, his hand holding you up as much as you did now. You never wanted him to hold you so tight to make you believe this couldn’t possibly be over anymore… as much as you did now. And it was. It was over. You lost him.

.

Jason lost you. Over something he could’ve easily told you a long time ago. You would have understood. You would have taken cared of him. None of this would have happened if he’d just been less of a coward. He lost you. And he was going to hate himself for that for the rest of his life.

.

You just laid there, silently on the floor, and kept the tears flowing and the cries echoing. You let the hurt fill through you, and you made sure to punish yourself by letting you feel every inch of it. You let yourself realize that you were going to have to go through the next days of your life living through his hellish nightmare.

.

Jason gripped his hair again. What the fuck was he thinking? Of course, he won't expect you to understand. Of course, he didn’t want you to get hurt like that. Subjecting you into that life, forcing you to have a partner who was putting his life out on the table every night. You didn’t deserve that pain. You didn’t deserve him. He never should have met you. He never should have let you fall in love.

.

You crawled to lean against the wall, just to have something hold the weight of your body. You never felt so heavy. And when you looked up at the ceiling, you screamed into your palms. Jason would have been worth it. He would have been worth all those reckless nights. And even if you were to lose him to that lifestyle he had, it was better than a life without him at all. A life you were going to have now.

.

Jason threw one last punch on the floor, and nothing changed. Nothing eased up. There was still that pain in his chest. He looked up the ceiling, letting himself see your face again. He let himself cry over the fact that he was never going to hold you, touch you, kiss you, ever again. You were everything to him. And you were gone. He let you go.

.

You wanted him. You loved him. You were still undeniably in love with him. And it was the most painful thing in the world knowing he wasn’t yours anymore.

.

He was always going to love you. Always. And tomorrow, he was going to have to wake up without hearing the sound of your voice.

.

You swallowed, sobbing silently into your hands. You didn’t want this anymore. You wanted to wake up with all this being a dream.

.

He needed to talk to you. just once more. He needed to hear your voice. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe he shouldn’t have thrown it all away.

.

You looked at your phone. Hoping he’d call. Hoping he’d try to reach out, telling you how much of an asshole he was and that this was all going to be okay.

.

He’d broken his phone, so he rushed to his drawers, rummaged through the piles he’d thrown on the floor to find the old, broken phone he stopped using after being locked in the library with you.

.

Maybe you should call him first. Apologize. Tell him you’d willingly go through all that just as long as he was yours. But your finger was stuck hovering over the black screen.

.

He took his phone, plugged it to the wall to charge. He was shaking so hard. And the minutes felt the longest waiting for the screen to light up.

.

You turned your phone on and his face stared back at you. Your wallpaper. A picture of you and him in bed. Your faces smiling. Your lips on his cheek. Him winking at the phone. Your heart broke all over again.

.

His phone finally turned on, and he forgot his sim card was still in his other broken phone. He raced to it, his fingers trembling, and put it in his old one. Without a moment of doubt, he called you.

.

Your heart stopped when his name popped up on the screen. He was calling you.

.

You weren’t answering. Five. Ten seconds passed. Nothing.

.

You wanted to answer. But you ended up staring at your phone with your heart blowing up all the way up your throat.

.

_‘Please answer. Please, Y/N. I love you.’_

.

You took too long. His name disappeared. And it ended up a missed call. You dropped your phone to the ground.

.

His heart shattered at the blank, empty sound at the other end of the phone. He sobbed on the floor, clutching his phone to his chest.

.

You looked away from the screen before his picture changed your mind. His beautiful face. You made the decision. You let him go.

.

Nothing mattered anymore.

.

Everything was going to change.

.

You were gone.

.

Jason is a memory.

.

You destroyed him.

.

Jason ruined your life.

.

It’s over.

.

It was done.


	15. You. You. You.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this part is really heavy. please be warned.

**April 23**

This was exactly what he thought death would be. Someone like him, who fears it so much, who often goes out of his way to put his life in the kind of danger that renders his still ongoing life a sort of miracle, he always tried to envision what it would be like to cross the other side. Would it be just like being alive? Would you get to meet your loved ones and pass on to some heavenly afterlife? Would he be forgotten? Be nothing but plant compost and worm food for all eternity, yet still be aware of everything going around his rotting corpse?

Or, as he feared the most, would it just be a blank, empty state? A big black blob of nothingness? Is the end really the end? And does it mean he’ll be so consumed in an infinite black hole that eats up everything he’s ever stood to live for?

Because if it were that last one, he definitely was dead. Right now, lying soullessly against the headboard of his bed, legs on his torn-up mattress, eyes still locked onto the same, holed out wall across from him, this was death. This is an entirely new kind of emptiness.

It had been hours since he moved. It was already a good amount into the morning, and his room, or what was left of it, had been lifelessly staring back at him for all the hours he kept himself awake, staring, unmoving. There was practically no sign of a clear surface on the floor. Everything was either covered in broken glass, feathers from his pillows, books, debris, clothes. And the dust particles that had been floating around his room have been in plain sight since the sun started peeking through his broken window. He wasn’t bothered by the light spring cold, and the morning disgusted him.

But he didn’t even give it too much a thought. Emptiness was all there is. Nothing. Not a move. Not a word. He decided this, this darkness so blank that it consumes him, it was better than feeling any other shred of emotion there was. If he were to feel regret, or rage, or disgust, or plunge into that bottomless hole of self-hate and depression, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. He knew, just as he knew himself, that all those emotions would come crashing down on him once again just like it did last night, and he didn’t have anything much left in his room to destroy to at least have an outlet for it. But he wanted it all to ball up, never mind what happens after. He just wanted to stop feeling entirely.

“Master Jason, you’re late for school-“

Alfred stopped his tracks the moment he peered into his room. He looked at Jason first, looking like an exhausted, miserable mess, then everything else around the room. Alfred might have that idea that whatever his room looked like, it was exactly the same going on in his head. Beyond any sort of repair. Silent. The awkward kind of peace that came out as the aftermath of an extremely destructive quake of the earth no one anticipated.

He heard the butler close the door. Minutes later, he came back and placed a tray of food on a part of his desk that wasn’t so destroyed. Jason didn’t give him a single glance. He let the hours pass. He let himself starve and reach the point of sleepless exhaustion that his eyes were too painful to even move. Every part of his body stung.

With the avoidance of feelings, it came with blocking out all his thoughts as well. He knew damn well that if any image of you resurfaced into his head, that any syllable out of your voice he’d hear, he’ll tear his own scalp out. So no, he didn’t think of you. He didn’t think of anything at all. He didn’t think about how hungry he was, or how cold he was, or how much he needed to sleep. He let it all happen. He made everything stop around him.

This, he was making time stop.

It was him refusing to let the days go on, to let the hours pass, to let life continue as if nothing happened at all. He wanted everything to just stop, give him the time to cope, if he ever does learn to cope, and make everything around him just as empty and silent as he was. And there was no way he’ll go to the window, stare out at the sun and let it mock him with its reluctance to what he wanted.

He let his food go stale, his body ache at the lack of movement, at the pain in his stomach lurching and twisting. He let everything go on just as he wanted it. And the dust particles, the only thing moving around in his room, he wanted them to stop. If it were raining, he’d want that to stop as well. He just wanted everything to be just as unmoving as he was.

The world was never going to do that. It’ll keep moving on. No one is going to care. Nothing in the earth’s forces will care about how he didn’t want his life to go on just yet. It will always move forward. Time will always move forward. And all this will end up being a memory someday.

 _You_ will just be a memory. When at one point, he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with you.

He closed his eyes, stopped another thought of you from surging in his head. No. Not yet.

When the sun fell, and his room plunged into darkness yet again, he heard three knocks outside his door.

Bruce. He could tell from how firm his knuckles were.

The lack of reaction must have sent Bruce away. He of all people would know how to leave someone alone when they needed it. At least he had that going.

Another hour later, Alfred came in to replace his food for the third time that day. He hadn’t touched even one of his meals.

Everyone went on with their lives. Bruce. Alfred. The sun. The earth. And when he took in the darkness once again, he knew life was still going on, days continued to pass. There was nothing he could do to make it all halt. It was just him, refusing to let things go.

The more his hunger worsened, his eyes hurting, his body in immense pain, not even his body was willing to pause for him. It was him against everything else. And what was he to do? Fight it?

He couldn’t fight this.

With the heaviest heart, Jason closed his eyes, and he fell asleep.

\-----

**April 24**

He woke up after sleeping practically half the day.

And the emptiness had left. Despite his futile efforts. It had left sometime he was asleep. He couldn’t remember the nightmares he had, but his mattress was soaked with his tears and his chest was in immense pain, and it was shooting out to his limbs. His head was basically a rock he had to lunge around. Another meal was waiting for him at the table. And he still hadn’t eaten in two days. Everything around him hurt. His head, his chest, his stomach.

You, your face, everything about you, more than a year’s worth of memories, it all came to him. He no longer had the strength to enjoy the emptiness, to pretend any thoughts of you weren’t there at all. And now, he’d come to the point of exhaustion where he couldn’t hold back even just the thought of how you once snorted out a piece of your food one time when you had lunch together. He couldn’t stop the images of you laughing uncontrollably in bed when he wouldn’t stop tickling your stomach. Fuck, even just the way you scrunched up your nose, he couldn’t hold it back. they were far too strong, far stronger than he was now. Nothing stopped them.

And his sobs were inevitable. By then, the hours passed when he barely had any type of strength to stop the tears. A lifetime’s worth, most probably, because he couldn’t stop feeling you, seeing you. His mind wanted desperately to punish him for thinking he could possibly stop all this. He could still ignore the hunger, the dehydration, all the pain around his body. Because you, _you,_ this was you trying to punish him for desperately trying to push you into the deepest black holes in his mind where you’d never be able to resurface.

You, placing your arms from behind him that time he thought he wanted to be alone, when in fact just the feel of you, your nose against the nape of his neck, it made everything so infinitely better.

_“Your neck smells nice,” you said to him. His once tense muscles softened when he felt you breathe against his skin._

_“Stop sniffing me.”_

_“No.”_

You, rubbing your noses together in bed when you did nothing all night but hide under your blankets, turn on the flashlight on your phone and tell the most ridiculous stories until the sun came up.

_“You remember those lights that make your room look like space?”_

_“Yeah?” you thumbed his chin. It was stuffy under the blankets but you hadn’t stopped laughing._

_“Imagine that, but under a blanket fort bigger than this.”_

_“Make that blanket fort for me, Todd. I swear to God, I’ll marry you.”_

_Jason’s heart jumped, then he grinned so widely at that thought, turning off the flashlight and pulling you to his lips._

You, when you’d playfully wrestle him on the floor and he always ended up winning, pinning you against the ground, tasting the smile on your lips and letting your laughs vibrate through his mouth.

_“Jay, will you let me win, for once?”_

_“No,” he kissed you again, still holding your hands at the sides of your head. Your lips were so soft, and his hand let go of yours and started wandering down to your bra._

You, with your voice. Your beautiful voice, just one of the reasons he fell in love with you so deeply, when he’d ask that you sing to him in your spontaneous car rides and he’d open up the window so everyone could see how unbelievably beautiful you were.

_“If we never learn, we been here before_

_Why are we always stuck and running from_

_The bullets?_

_The bullets”_

_Jason had to keep his eyes on the road. He was staring at you way too much. He lowered the car window and you sang even louder. People gave you weird looks, but as long as they saw how beautiful his girlfriend was, nothing mattered._

You, when you got so angry at someone that he’d pull you to the side, hold your shoulders, rub them down with his palms and try to talk you out of it.

_“Okay. That’s a time out,” he pulled you aside and let you sit on the stairs. You clenched your jaw, glaring at that person too stupid to cross your way, but you looked up at him and your face softened._

_“Fine.”_

_You sat down, and he sat down with you. He placed his head on your shoulder and held your hand._

You, lying with him naked in bed and letting every inch of your flushed skin stick right up against his. His hands all over you, him moving inside you. Hearing your wonderful cries and moans.

_You shivered, holding onto his hair, and he watched your face as you came apart. He could feel your high against him, and fuck, was it the most beautiful thing._

_You fell asleep almost instantaneously, and he had you wrapped around his arms._

This. This was him torturing every part of himself for everything that went on. He let everything go through his mind like a fast-moving series of pictures. Every moment. Every single one that was in the back of his mind, some he didn’t even know he remembered, it all came to him so suddenly, like everything with you even before you were his, it was all there. In his head. He underestimated how much he cherished even the littlest things. He never thought he remembered this much about you.

But it was all here, coming to him at the worst time possible. And his cries, audibly sobbing into the mattress, everything hurt so much, nothing could possibly make this stop.

You. You. You. You will always be the best thing that ever happened to him, and the worst mistake of his life.

Because his mind was forcing down into his throat the fact that he was never going to relive all those memories ever again. None of them. Not with you. Not with anyone else.

A part of him he wanted to beat down to the ground looked up at his phone at the side table. The old one. Even with his strongest efforts, he ended up picking up the phone, turning it on.

Your name stared back at him, mocking him that he was always going to be this mindless pit of nothing too weak to do anything about it.

No. It was far too late.

The tears burst out of his eyes when he threw the phone to the other side of the room, shattering it into pieces. The tears never stopped, and once again, it was dark.

Another day passed. Everything was moving on. Except him.

\-----

**April 25**

There were tears again. This time from the pain in his stomach.

It was twisting, pulling so much of his flesh that any move he made physically hurt. He clenched himself in the bed, doing everything he could to suppress the pain. But nothing worked. He buried his face into the sheets and cried. He never once cried from physical pain. And now, without an ounce of strength left in his body, almost everything around him made him bawl his eyes out.

It was probably noon now, because Alfred walked in, holding a new tray of food.

He took one look at Jason and sighed.

“Master Jason, you have to eat.”

He grunted, his hands clutching his stomach. His lips were severely dried out and his skin was extremely pale. Slowly, he craned his head up at Alfred.

“Soup, toast, and eggs. Easy for digestion.”

He turned to the tray. He was so hungry he swore he’ll pass out if he refuses to eat again. His body needed twice the nutrition than the normal person.

“Also, Master Jason. Your school called this morning. You’ll have to come back to class eventually.

“No.”

First thing he’s said in three days.

Alfred bowed slightly at him, then left the room.

He kept staring at the food, calling out to him like it was gripping his chin and luring him in despite the otherwise bland aroma.

Fuck this.

Jason finally stood up from his bed, moved his legs as slightly as he can to hold back the pain, and walked over to where the food was. He smelled like shit, too. But he’ll have to be hauled up by the strongest man alive if they expected him to take a shower right now.

He didn’t take a seat. He didn’t lie on the floor. He stood on his feet, took the bread, took as little bites as he could, drank half the soup, and finished most of the eggs.

His stomach was clenching even more than before, and he leaned against the table, barely holding himself up at all. He was done. He wasn’t eating anymore. All this was hurting far too much.

Jason fell to the floor and he inched himself to lean against the wall.

You’d be disgusted at the sight of him, or laugh at just how much he’d destroyed himself after just three days. You and your endless supply of mean comments and catty remarks would beat up just about everything he still had going on inside him. _Fuck_ , he hated you. He never hated someone so much in his life. He hated what you did to him, as if his life wasn’t already shitty enough. You and your fucking irritating shrieks just had to come in and ruin everything he actually had going on. He never should’ve met you, stayed away from you instead of taking your spice as something to be intrigued about. He should’ve continued to hate you as he initially did when you first met.

He shouldn’t have let it evolve into anything. He only should’ve hated you the past year.

Another knock on the door.

“Master Jason, I hope you don’t mind, I took the liberty of fixing your phone. All your data is in there. You’ll need it.”

Jason was right by the door, and the old man placed his phone on the table, nodded at him, then left.

It was the newer model, looking unscathed without a single crack on the screen.

He knew he shouldn’t.

Fuck, everything the past two days will be for nothing.

As if he made _any_ kind of progress. He only ate so he wouldn’t die.

He shouldn’t.

But he really wanted to.

He took the phone, unlocked it, and his wallpaper already made him choke.

You and him on the bed, with you biting his cheek and him laughing, smiling at the camera. You wore his hoodie, one of the _many_ hoodies you stole from him, and he had that little crinkle in his eyes that only ever showed up at times when he was truly happy.

He let the hate pull through. He let himself remember all the pain, the unnecessary fighting, all the things he’s always grown to get annoyed at-

_Oh, who the fuck was he kidding. He couldn’t hate you even if he tried._

Your flaws were a part of you and it only made him love you more. Nothing irritated him. He could fight with you all day and he’ll do it again the next day. You never once made him wish he wasn’t at your side, never once did you push him to the point where he’d rather do anything else other than laugh and talk endlessly with you, didn’t matter what it was about. He can listen to your angry screams all day and still kiss you like nothing happened.

He scoffed at himself. Like he could succumb to all that in an attempt to forget about you.

He knew he shouldn’t do it. But the part that missed you terribly, the part that always admitted to still being hopelessly in love with you, pushed him to do it. He opened his photo albums.

The first photo was the most recent. When you went to explore an abandoned mansion about fifteen minutes away from Wayne Manor. An old neighbor of the Waynes that had to leave the house from bankruptcy. It was just as large and grandeur, and you both ended up dancing around the old ballroom like goofs. The photo was of you when you were twirling around in a dark grey dress.

The next was of him when you took his phone and started spamming his albums of him asleep. His mouth was open wide, and he was drooling on the pillow. He remembered waking up and wrestling you down on the bed when you got caught.

He swiped more.

You eating across from him on a dinner date. From your birthday. He took you everywhere you wanted. And it lasted all throughout the night, taking you home when it was already morning. Your hair was beautiful, covering half your face when you bashfully looked down. Your lips were a deep red, and you looked gorgeous.

Another of you and him, when you went to the Christmas Market like you did on your first date. You wore a beanie, and he was completely covered up with his scarf. You took that selfie even with your shaking fingers and he remembered laughing when you dropped your own phone, taking a whole minute trying to pick it up from the ground from all the snow around.

Tears had long fell on the side of his face. His heart. Warming up the way it was supposed to be when he was happy. And he was smiling, staring at your face like you were the single more perfect thing in the world.

And you were.

Then he kept swiping, his finger stopping at a picture of you barely having anything on.

He choked on his breath. He knew what else he had saved. He saved copies into a specific album with a passcode locked specifically for nights when he wasn’t with you and was feeling particularly lonely and excited.

Gulping down, he swiped.

Fuck.

Your lips between your teeth.

_Swipe._

Your tongue peeking out.

_Swipe._

Your naked body on the bed.

_Swipe._

Your ass bent over.

_Swipe._

Your bare chest.

_Swipe._

Your wet, needy p-

He had to fucking stop.

He turned his phone off, then stuffed his face into his hands.

All that. It was only ever going to exist in photos. It was all he’s ever going to have with you now. But your looks, it was just one thing about you he wanted to hold onto. The pictures can't give him the feel of your skin, your lips, your hair. It couldn’t give him your addicting scent when he inhaled into your head. It couldn’t speak out, tell him that you loved him.

And none of that was ever going to come back.

You weren’t coming back.

But, somehow, if the you he had in his arms just months ago were to tell him anything now, you’d tell him to get up, fix his bed. And tomorrow, he’ll get out of his room and go to school.

Jason, focusing on that voice of yours, stood up from the floor, then started to pick his sheets from the ground.

\-----

**April 26**

Never in his three years at the manor did Bruce Wayne, his supposed father, drive him to school all the way down to the gates.

But Bruce must have either felt guilty for only sending Alfred into his room for three days instead of checking on him himself, or just wanted to make sure Jason actually went to class. Probably the latter.

“Call me if you need anything, Jason.”

He got out the car, sighed, and before he closed the door, he managed to nod at Bruce. “Thanks.”

He shut the door, then turned around.

The campus. The sun. The people.

Everything went on as it should. No one gave him a second glance. No one looked just as miserable as he was. This was the world’s way of telling him he really was alone in this, that nothing was ever going to stop for him even if he tried his hardest at stopping the hours from ticking by.

And it was all too bright. Too fast. People were walking at a noticeably faster pace expecting him to move along with them. People were smiling, laughing so hard it echoed throughout the driveway. Some were running, some reading while running. He saw couples hand in hand. He saw teachers walking by. Everything was just the way it was the last time he was here.

His chest started heaving. Everything was too much. And the thought of going into that school and possibly seeing you-

No. He wasn’t doing this. This was bullshit. All of it.

Jason turned the other way from the school, all the way down to a nearby alley at the back of the building. There was a dumpster there, and before he met you, he often went here on days when he wasn’t really feeling it.

He realized it had been almost two years since he last smoked.

Well, that streak ends now.

The darkness in the alleyway somehow gave him a strange, welcoming comfort. This was something he was more used to. And if it meant staying here for the rest of the day, go back to his sulking and sitting and staring into nothing at all the whole day, then so be it.

From a pocket in his bag, he pulled out his box of cigarettes and lighter. He placed one in his mouth, lit it up, then inhaled the deepest breath he could.

Jason leaned against the wall, looking straight up at the sky. Then he breathed out the smoke and watched it disperse into the clearer air. He closed his eyes. He let his lingering thoughts of you subside for just a moment. He let the smoke calm his nerves, calm his head. He let the light spring cold nip at his cheeks.

He finished a single stick in a few minutes, then he started pulling out another.

He still had the whole day here before he could go home. He could walk out of here, go into the city and hang out somewhere else where being caught didn’t mean immediate expulsion. But he knew firsthand that absolutely no one came into this part of the alley. No one who’d reprimand him, to be exact. A janitor caught him once or twice, and all he did was nod at him and be on his way.

This was all the way back when he didn’t have you to console him at his worst. When he didn’t have you. The him before you. And here he was, back to where he started.

Another stick down. He needed another one.

He breathed the smoke out his nostrils. And when he watched the smoke in the air, he could have sworn he saw your face somewhere like corrupted static. But days of endless tears had him run out, most probably for the next few hours. He expected to go back home and cry the whole night away. Fucking hell, this must have been years-worth of tears held back.

Just as he closed his eyes to let the smoke consume him, he heard a voice come in to the alleyway.

“Jason?”

“Shit.” He flinched, fumbling to throw his cigarette on the ground and cover it with his foot.

But it was just Penny.

He rolled his eyes. “What?”

“You're back in school.”

“Sure.”

“Won't you go to class?”

“No.”

He pulled out the last stick he had in his box and lit it up.

“Gonna rat me out now?”

“No. And don’t worry. I know how to keep secrets from faculty.”

_Of course, she does. Penny was your friend. Half the shit she’s seen you do would’ve sent you to prison by now._

“The Vice Principal called all your friends to look for you. Even me.”

“Well, you found me. And there’s no way I’m letting you take me to Watson.”

“Actually.” Penny walked over to stand in front of him. “Vice Principal Watson quit her job. She had this whole speech about how much she wanted to help troubled people. The new Vice Principal wants you in his office.”

“I’m not going.”

She turned to the ground.

He wished Penny didn’t grow so silent. He knew there was so much pity behind it, and the last thing he wanted was for anyone to look down on him with pity. She rocked back and forth in her shoes, and with her sweet voice, she spoke.

“I heard what happened.”

Jason turned away from her and breathed out another cloud of smoke. He made sure she didn’t see the look in his eyes. Before he’d fall too weak to stop himself from crying again.

“You okay?”

He took the cigarette off his mouth, holding it between his fingers. “What does it look like?”

Penny sighed. “I’m really sorry-“

“Don’t. Just leave me alone.”

She looked down at her hands.

“You’re exactly like Y/N… You’re both so mean and bossy...”

He rolled his eyes again, shaking his head. He knew she was just trying to help. But the last thing he wanted was to talk to anyone. He might, someday. But right now, he really just wanted to be alone.

And at the mention of your name, he really, really needed to be alone.

“If it means anything, I lied about the Vice Principal asking me to look for you…”

He quirked up a brow. “The fuck you talking about?”

“Y/N asked me…”

He dropped the cigarette in his hand.

Knowing you, you definitely asked Penny to report if he was around. Knowing you, you’d rather sulk up in bed than to be in the same building as him right now.

“Don’t tell her. Please. She told me she’ll kill me if she knew I told you. But you just looked so sad and I-“

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

He cleared his throat, watching the clouds above just to keep himself from sinking in too much to his overtaking thoughts.

“I’ll go now. Take care, Jason.”

“Wait.”

He knew he shouldn’t. But he wanted to. He cared too much. Still, despite everything.

“How is she?”

Penny looked at the ground.

“Penny…”

“She told me not to talk to you.”

“Just tell me-“

“She’ll kill me.”

“Just don’t tell her. You’re worried about her, too.”

“I am…”

Penny looked around. No one was around them. She bit her lips and started fiddling with her yellow sundress.

“She hasn’t come to class. She barely eats. She won't talk to anyone, not even her mom. She locks herself in her room and she still hasn’t come out. It’s really bad, Jason. Just this morning, she texted how you were.”

He bit his lips.

Maybe you asked because you wanted to know if he was okay, not just so you could stay away.

He didn’t know what to think. You were unpredictable that way.

And of course, you dealt with this exactly the same way he did. And it worried him. A lot.

“You can tell her I’m not around.”

She shrieked, her feet trembling on the ground. “I can't lie to her again.”

“Fine. Tell her whatever you want.”

Penny nodded. “I will!”

Jason sighed and looked out into the wide open plane next to the school. The grass was green now, unlike that beautiful autumn brown when you and him were standing nearby, hugging after he gave you that Edgar Allan Poe book.

“I hope you’ll do okay, Jason.”

Penny, little happy Penny, then gave him a hug, to which he didn’t return, then started to walk out the alley.

“Penny…”

He was glad they got to be friends overtime, otherwise this would have been too much to ask. Hell, anything would be too much to ask.

But he needed the assurance.

“Take care of her for me, will you?”

She smiled at him, nodded, then walked away.

\-----  
 **April 27**

He knew, deep in the last sane parts of his mind, that this was the worst idea.

For one, it was downright wrong and creepy. You’d murder him if you found out. Not that you probably would find out, but he still hadn’t figured out how you knew about him being Robin. He should be giving you more credit than he actually does. So yeah, this was a bad idea. You’ll never forgive him. Bruce and Alfred will look down on him. The whole world will hate him.

But he’s been meaning to check on you, not just from someone else’s words, but with his own eyes. He really needed to make sure you were okay. That you weren’t hurting yourself too much. And he knew you were hurting yourself. Just like he was. He couldn’t bare the thought of you suffering. Despite it all, despite everything, he loved you all the way to the ends of the farthest stars. The last thing he wanted was for you to never get back on your feet.

And from what he was about to do, what he planned on doing right after this, he was sure seeing your face just one last time would give him _some_ kind of closure.

So he had to do this. For himself. Just once.

Hoodie over his head, hands stuck to his pockets, Jason climbed up the fire escape on the building across your apartment and crouched over the rooftop ledge.

He peered over and found your room, the window wide open, and he could see inside. He could see you.

_You…_

Jason bit back his tears.

He was basically doing this to hurt himself. And seeing you like this, it was the kind of hurt he wouldn’t wish onto this worst enemies.

Your room looked just about as wrecked as his. Clothes, books, and other things all over the floor as well. Only your bed wasn’t completely destroyed. He could only see so much, but he could see enough.

You were asleep, lying on the bed without a blanket. You were crouched over, hugging yourself. Your eyebrows were furrowed and you were stuffing your face into a pillow. Your body looked limp and lifeless, but he could see your back slowly rising to your breaths. You looked cold.

And broken…

Even from standing so far, he could tell you were crying even in your sleep. He knew the details on your face enough, memorized them to the point where he could tell what you were thinking just from looking at you. And you looked hurt, so hurt to the point where it was hurting him back.

He felt tears incoming, and he closed his eyes, letting them seep through.

So desperately he wanted to climb to your room, pull your blanket over you and make sure you weren’t cold.

And, if the stars aligned, you’ll wake up, see him, hold him, kiss him, and this whole nightmare would be over.

But he hurt you too much…

He was going to hurt you again if he did that.

Eyes watching you so longingly for hours on end, Jason felt every bit of his heart break, even more than he thought it already had. His lips were trembling, eyes shaking, his hands were sweating off his palms. Every beat in his chest hurt. This was finishing up what was already so broken.

He wanted you to be okay, to live the life you deserved.

He wanted you to go to College of the Arts, be the most talented singer there was, the singer he knew you were, and blow everyone away with your incredible talent. He wanted you to be so successful that you’ll never once look back to how it was to be if he and you lasted. He wanted you to have that family you always wanted, grow to be so old you wouldn’t be able to walk, but still have enough sass in you to have the mind you had right now. He wanted you to be so happy that you’ll never have to remember him, wishing things were different.

He wanted everything for you…

Even if it meant it wouldn’t be with him…

So now, this is how he’s going to be. He’ll watch you from afar, take care of you in all the ways you didn’t know. You’ll hate him for that. And you’ll drive him away for sure. But this is the only way he’ll be able to cope. He’ll always be there. Watch you. Be far enough away to stay out of your life, but close enough to make sure that life was what you deserved.

It’ll hurt more than anything in the whole world, but eventually, you’re going to find someone else, someone to repair what he left so broken, and make you so happy that you’ll wish you never met him. He’ll have to watch you hold someone else’s hand, kiss their lips, hold them in your arms just as you did with him.

He’ll have to watch you marry someone else. Spend the rest of your life with them the way he always wanted with you.

And… as much as it stung, he wished that for you. He wanted that for you.

But he’ll be there for you. No matter what. He always will.

“I love you…”

He knew you’d never hear him, but he still wanted to say it while he was looking at you. And he pretended to hear it back from your sweet, perfect lips.

Jason looked away, wiped the last of his tears with his sleeves and focused on the ground before his heart would continue to break even more.

Now, he had something else to do.

Now, there was nothing holding him back.

Not Bruce. Not you.

Nothing was going to stop him now.

Jason pulled out a black domino mask from his pocket. He stared back into the white eyes, feeling it mold into his hand. It slowly started to rain, and the droplets started seeping through his clothes.

It wasn’t much about you as it was about him. And now, he might as well take advantage of this deep, angry hurt and bring something good out of it.

He’ll have to run away from home after this. He was sure of it. Bruce would never take him back in.

Not after he kills. Intentionally this time.

So, with all the strength he’d mustered up,

Jason put on the mask, took his hoodie and jeans off and let his cape flow from his shoulders to the ground.

Robin saw the light of the moon just one last time.

\----

“ _Thirty-six…”_

“ _Thirty-seven…”_

_“Thirty-eight…”_

_“Thirty-nine….”_

_“FORTY!!!”_

His eyes were too swollen for him to see anything in front of him at this point.

_“Sixty-two…”_

A tooth fell out. That was the third one that night.

_“Ninety-seven…”_

Killing the clown. By himself. Who was he kidding?

_“One hundred twenty-five…”_

His laughter. His horrible, horrible voice.

The crowbar hit the side of his head and everything went black for the shortest moment.

“Don’t die on me just yet, boy wonder…”

His demonic, pale face, blood red mouth and dark eyes. The monster took him by the face, and Robin spat at him.

Another hit to the ribs. All of them would have been broken by now.

He coughed out blood and stayed as still as he could, drowning everything around him. But each time the crowbar snapped at his bones, he ended up tasting more of his blood.

Why can't he just die? Why isn’t his body giving out yet?

Almost two hundred hits, then Joker stopped.

“Well, I’m bored…” He threw the crowbar to the floor. “I have to give it to you, Robin, you pack quite the fight- HAHAHAHAHAHA!“

He no longer heard what he said. He just felt every bone in his body break and his breath being stopped by his own blood clogging his throat and nose.

He heard the door of the warehouse close shut.

Robin, shaking on the floor, looked up and around him.

His communicator. It was thrown just a few yards away.

He inched on the floor, so slowly that each movement he made broke yet another bone in his leg and arms. But he kept going. He kept his eyes on the tiny earpiece, his hands still tied together.

And when he got to it, he placed it on his head, flinching at the broken bones in his ear being pressed on.

“S-send coordinates to B-Batman…”

He laid on the floor, his ribs tearing at his flesh every time he breathed.

He was going to die.

A beeping sound.

He looked to his left.

A bomb.

His worst fears. Worse than he could ever have imagined.

He was going to die.

He was going to die.

_He was going to die._

He swallowed, eyes on the painful white light in the ceiling.

“Record v-voice message to Y/N…”

He heard his communicator click.

The beeping, it was getting faster.

“Y/N…” he whispered.

“I-“


	16. Promises

**Now**

“Y/N…”

You didn’t notice just how long you sat there silently, watching the lint stuck to the carpet move about from the tiny push of the ceiling fan.

“Do you hear what I’m saying?”

Reluctantly, you looked up from the not too interesting carpet and saw how the therapist was looking at you. You could tell how much she was trying to hold back from being too overly comforting to the point where you’d feel like you were being pitied on. Which you were. Everyone did. You hated it to the bloody core at first, but once you got used to it all, when you’d grown used to the ever-lingering pain in your gut, you learned to let it slide.

“Yes…”

The therapist took your empty mug and poured more water into it. Your tears have dried. You knew what she said was right.

“I know this is a lot to process… but once you truly realize none of it was your fault, it’s the first step to moving on.”

You heard the blades of the fan swing around. You focused on that sound. Anything to help stop yourself from sobbing too much as if you still had any tears left within you.

“Can't you see?” you whispered. “I don’t want to move on…”

You stared at the water, focused on the sound of the fan. In the bottom of your throat, there was an itch you couldn’t reach. And the more you stood silent, the more you felt it.

“I understand that is the case-“

“You don’t. I tell myself that all this is my fault on purpose. Because moving on…” you gulped. “It just feels like I’m purposely trying to forget him. _I don’t want to forget him_. Everything we had. I don’t want to throw away like some happy memory I’ll never get to relive. I love him. Present tense. _I love him…_ ”

“But he’s gone…” she leaned over to you. “You can't throw your life away for him. That isn’t what he’d want.”

“No. It’s what I want. Three years, I never did so much as talk to another guy. The thought of it disgusts me… I can't give myself away to another when he’s all I ever wanted. So no, I never want to see myself move forward and have a family with anyone else that isn’t him. It’s cruel and unhealthy, but this is how I want things to be.”

The therapist watched your mouth tremble. You had so many more things to say. And from the look on her face, she knew this was the first time you’ve put these thoughts into words.

“After we broke up…” you said. “I thought I never wanted anything to do with him anymore. I never wanted to see him again. I wanted nothing more than to forget him. I tried… so hard… to convince myself that I hated him, that I was so much better off. For days, I stayed in bed, I didn’t eat, sleep, shower, anything. He hurt me so much and I knew any thought of him will subject me into more of that hurt…

“But then… when they told me he was gone…”

You closed your eyes and felt the cold tears sting your cheeks.

“I hated myself. For ever thinking that about him. I realized just how much of the things I did, if done differently, would have changed so many things for the better. I betrayed him… when all he ever did was love me… And the guilt eats me up so much… every single day. I could never hate him. I could never wish we never happened. And I hate myself everyday for getting out of that car, for not handling it the best way I should’ve thought of. But even with what we had, how everything happened, I’ll take that short while I had with him over a lifetime without him at all… 

“I let that guilt consume me. I wanted it to. I let the idea of him stick to me so much that I could never bring myself to even imagine that I could ever belong to another. I don’t want to move on. I still want him the same way I did when I first met him. As far as I know, I’m still his. I’m still Jason’s. Whatever happens, I’m always, always, going to belong to him. Dead or alive. I don’t care if it isn’t what he’d want. He doesn’t get to tell me what to do. Not anymore…”

It definitely wasn’t what he’d want at all. Even until now, you haven’t changed your phone’s wallpaper since before you even broke up. It had been three, very long years.

“I see…”

The therapist took a drink from her mug, the laid back to stare at her notes.

“You don’t want to move on because you still wish he’d somehow come back-“

“No. Not even that. I don’t want to move on because forgetting him seems like the worst thing I could ever do to myself… He was the best person I ever met. All those days in the library…” you closed your eyes and let yourself smile. “All the fights we had… I’d give my life to have those back.”

The therapist almost didn’t want to say anything to change your mind. And you made sure she knew you had no plans on changing your mind.

“You’d rather go up against the forces of nature than to find happiness?”

“I just can't see myself being happy with anyone else other than him…”

She licked her lips. “It may seem that way at first.”

“It’s been three years. It’s still what I feel. Nothing’s changed.”

“Okay,” she said.

“What if I asked you to look back on how you dealt with his death? Tell me how you got to that point.”

You didn’t know where to start.

\-----

**Then**

The last thing you wanted was to receive even more condolences from people you barely even know. There were the Wayne’s, Jason’s friends, other parts of an extended family you didn’t know much about. You were alone. Just as you had been since he was gone.

They buried him in the cemetery outside the manor. You were the last to stay behind at his grave before you’d walk back inside for the gathering. You preferred not to be in there with so many other people. You wanted to be alone. Be with him. Even when you didn’t have much to say. You barely even said anything since they gave you the news. All you were was a silent, empty pile of bones, flesh, and skin.

_Jason Peter Todd_

_Brother. Son. Friend._

You hated every word being engraved on a block of decorated cement. Even his beautiful name.

But even you, someone who’s hated almost everything around her at one point, had stopped and let everything slide. Your tears had run out. You felt like a dark, empty slate. You had so many days waiting for you to go through with and all you wanted right now was to stay put, take this all in as slowly as you could before your body goes into shock.

Dipping your head to the ground, and after a reasonable amount of hours standing in front of his grave, you walked into the manor.

Dick Grayson was waiting for you at the foyer.

“There you are,” he said. You let him place his hand behind your back, leading you inside. “It’s getting a bit rainy out there.”

People. Too many. Even when it was just their family, you wanted no part of this.

“Dick…”

“Yeah?”

You sighed. “Do you think it’s okay if I go up to his room?”

He breathed out and held your shoulder gently. “Of course. If it helps you in any way.”

“I just want to be close to him.”

“Anything you want.”

You smiled. “Thank you.”

“You know where it is. Call me if you need me.”

You looked up at the grand staircase and started making your way up the steps. No one was upstairs, and with the size of the manor so large, you barely heard any voices when you reached the hallways.

Third one to the left. The one with a console table and a vase full of flowers next to it. You placed your hand on the doorknob, your forehead touching the cold wood, then you closed your eyes.

If only, when you’d open the door, you’d see him waiting for you in bed, reading The Scarlet Letter for the fifth time since he first learned how to read, you’ll never wish for anything else your whole life ever again.

But you stepped in, and his untouched, empty bed was the first thing you saw.

The air around looked just about as gray and blank as the silence was around you. It smelled the same, looked just about as he’d have left it. But there were details only you’d have noticed. His bed wasn’t made the same way he always did. Jason always tucked the blanket under the pillows, which were always perfectly puffed. Alfred, on the other hand, covered the pillows with the blankets.

And the books. They weren’t arranged the way he liked them to be. The shelves looked different as well. He had on a new desk chair. A new mirror. His curtains looked newly patched up.

No one had to tell you why. Jason died when his room was still a destroyed mess and Alfred had to be the one to clean everything up post-partum.

So there was even less of him in that room than you’d hoped.

But you still felt him. Despite everything. You could feel him watching over you, smiling at you as you walked in, closed the door behind you, then sat on the bed.

You took a good look around and watched the floating specks of dust around the dead air.

Silent, subtle tears fell down your face, streaming down your chin and your neck.

You lied down, placed your head into his pillow and breathed in. You could smell him. Even with it so faint. You could smell his hair. His neck. That scent you always loved. And you sobbed into his sheets.

It dawned to you that no one was to lie on this bed ever again. That this was the state it was always going to be. You were never going to stay in this room and have his strong arms wrap around you so tightly that you’ll fall asleep almost in an instant. This room, the last of what’s left of him other than the beautiful memories you’ll never forget to treasure, it felt like stepping into his mind and somehow talk to him even when he wasn’t there.

And you had so, so much to tell him, you had no idea where to begin.

So then, you just kept your silence. If you were to tell him anything, even in the afterlife, you’ll have to carefully pick out your words, know exactly what you wanted to say and make sure nothing but your love and eternal loyalty to him would leave your lips. You spent too much time with him, with you speaking without much thought on your words that it’d eventually grow to hurt him. It’s what caused this in the first place.

You looked up the ceiling, hands over your stomach, then you watched on as the light grew to a dim and the night came.

\-----

A week before graduation.

He was supposed to be the class valedictorian. The brilliant, incredibly gifted mind of his. No one else deserved that place more than he did. He was supposed to go up on that stage, deliver a beautiful message to all his peers while looking at you in the crowd, smiling from ear to ear. You’ll be the proudest girlfriend there was, and you still are. It would have all gone through exactly as you hoped.

But all there was left of him now was a tribute. A few mere minutes of mentioning his name, talking about what he did, while some other nerd gets to graduate on top. For formalities, they said. You tried to combat it. You talked to the Principal, the Vice Principal, the student council. Everyone. But they wouldn’t budge. Jason was just a memory to them.

He didn’t mean as much to them as he did to you. And he meant everything to you.

And as if you actually wanted to hurt yourself even further than you already did, you took all the guts you had, took deep, calculated breaths,

Then you stepped into the beautiful, empty school library.

Exactly as you left it. You haven’t been here for weeks. Even before Jason left.

And your heart warmed up in the pit of your chest the more you inhaled the dusty scent, the familiar cold breeze from the fan on the ceiling, the wood of the chairs and tables, the browning pages of the old books.

This was yours and Jason’s place. Forever.

You walked to the tables, placed your hand on the surface on the very spot you and Jason often sat in when you rewrote the library’s handwritten records all afternoon. Where you barely slept that time you were locked in. Where you’d sneak glances up at him, catch him staring at you for long minutes.

You ran a hand across the back of his favorite chair.

The shelves. There was a cart nearby, one with a few piles of books in it that hadn’t been arranged. You saw yourself sitting in that very same cart, holding out the books for Jason as he pushed you through the aisles, placed the books into their places and playfully pulled on your hair.

You had the time. For old time’s sake.

You took the cart, pulled out the first book that immediately caught your eye.

Edgar Allan Poe’s Collection of Stories.

You fought back the tears. You’ve cried too much already.

Slowly, you pushed it into its place into the shelves.

You saw him, behind the spaces of the books, peering his eye in and smiling at you. He followed you as you went on, passing by the different aisles and placing the books you’ve longed memorized even after more than a year.

He was there, but each time you turned to the corners, he disappeared.

You tried not to think much of it and went on.

You loved the feel of it. The spines of the old, beautiful books. And when you had some of Jay’s favorites in your hand, you opened it up and read a few passages. Even with your heart practically sinking to the ground, your eyes about to burst into tears, you were smiling. A small, heavy smile.

You passed by the stoner’s aisle, the mattress aisle, the aisle with the flask hidden, all the shelves you were as familiar with as your own house. This was a beautiful place. The library.

You didn’t take long to finish through the cart. If it had been you on your first day, it would’ve taken you the whole two hours. But Jason had taught you everything you needed to know. It was one of the more useless, yet most treasured life skills you ever got to learn.

Once you finished with the cart, you immediately smiled when you reached the romance section. The Boner Aisle.

And for the first time in weeks, you let out a small chuckle.

You had way too much fun in this library.

And as you turned around, leaned your back against the shelf with the window right by your side, you let all the memories take over what was left of your sanity. You closed your eyes. You relived it all. You tried, with all your might, to remember the feel of him, holding and kissing you right in this very spot. You remembered all the little arguments you had about all the books you didn’t arrange. You saw the darkness when you spent the night, the night you swore changed so much about the way you saw him.

And the tears never stopped flowing. You wouldn’t let it. You let them take over. You let it hurt you. You wanted it to. You were always going to remember him, and not a second will go by when you’ll forget the sound of his voice, his handsome face, his scent, the feel of his skin.

You slid to the floor, knees folded up your chest. Then you cried.

All the books you read together, in the library, in the manor, in your room. The books he read to you. Edgar Allan Poe. The Raven. The Murder of Rue Morgue. The classics he loved to re-read thousands of times. The books he had in his room.

All the songs you shared with him. The songs you sang for him. The songs from Kodaline playing when you first kissed him and on that night in the chapel. The songs you screamed your hearts out to in the car. The songs he told you to sing saying they suited your voice.

The movies you watched. The horror flicks he was practically covering his eyes from. The sappy love stories you poked fun on. The movies you did your research on so you’d visit abandoned places that inspired them. Movies with abandoned carnivals. Movies about asylums.

And most of all…

The places.

The school. The cafeteria. The abandoned house with the piano. The gym. The football field. The chapel. Your room. The manor. The playground. The Christmas Market. The Walmart parking lot.

The beautiful, damned library.

Everything.

They will always be with Jason. For the rest of your life.

Your head buried into your knees, you slightly looked up at the sound of footsteps.

And at the sight of a grouchy old woman, well into her years with a mouth dirtier than a 12-year-old boy’s, you breathed out a laugh.

“You look like shit, girl,” Ms. Peterson said.

You smiled and wiped the tears from your eyes. “Thanks, Ms. P.”

You thought she’d send you out, and you were prepared for that, but the old woman, who looked just as distraught as you were, walked over to stand right by her side, leaning against the shelf.

“I’m sorry about your boy…”

“You don’t have to… Seriously… I’m sick of people apologizing to me.”

“I know…” she said. “People tend to do that.”

“Are you going to send me out or what?”

She looked down at you, and you looked up at her.

She smiled for the first time. It was warming.

“No… You can stay here as long as you want.”

You sniffed and wiped your snot with your sleeve. “He really liked you, you know. Jason.”

The old woman laughed. “That boy was a menace.”

All the times you messed with this woman almost to the point of insanity. You loved those memories.

“Don’t get me wrong, I hated both your guts. I asked the Vice Principal to send you over to cafeteria duty. But they kept you here. And I had to deal with your antics.”

You smiled. “Messing with you was the most fun I had in detention.”

“I know. You both couldn’t stop laughing all day, it was insane. Like you were perfectly made for each other just to mess with me.”

You lost your smile, looking at the line of books in front of you.

“I’m sorry…”

“I said don’t be. Really.”

Then, Ms. Peterson placed her hand on your shoulder. You sighed.

“Your little pranks were only the start of all the other things I noticed…”

You swallowed. “What do you mean?”

The old woman took in the silence, looked over to the shelves and all the books and tables and the whole of the room. She was smiling, like she was watching something going on.

“I’ve worked in this library for fifty years, girl. Since I got out of college. I loved it. I loved the books and how I was tasked to take care of them. I loved every part of it. I will die with this job and whoever takes my place will never love it as much as I do…”

“I thought you hated it-“

“Shh.”

You kept silent.

“But the work, it was only one thing about it that made this job so beautiful. I’ve seen kids from the seventies, courting each other the old fashioned way leaving flowers and handwritten notes they had left in the books. I’ve seen teachers come in, crying about the work load they had that no student seems to care about. In the eighties, I saw how people started listening to music while they read. They sent cassette tapes over to each other. They talked with their friends, and I had to shut them up so much more than I do now. Then your phones came in. Laptops. The computers. I’ve seen this place change. I’ve seen so many different kinds of people in them, grow old, grow up. I tend to take notice of the littlest details, if you already didn’t know.”

You laughed. You did know. Any book out of place and she’d flip.

“I’ve seen stories. People’s stories. They happen in this library. I’ve seen kids come in just to cry, fall asleep in the middle of studying. I’ve seen people cram for exams at the last minute. I’ve seen prom proposals happen more often than they should. You have no idea. And of course, there are the trouble makers. I didn’t get to thank you, girl. You helped me a lot in taking care of that.”

“Eh,” you shrugged.

“But…”

She paused, smiling at the thought.

“You know what I didn’t expect to see?”

You shook your head.

The old woman looked down at you.

“In my fifty years in this library, I never thought I’d get to watch two kids slowly fall in love with each other. And I got front row seat…”

You closed your eyes, leaned your head back, then bit your lips.

“And I didn’t just see the obvious. No. It was already there before either of you even noticed. You hated each other at first, sure. But even then, I saw it. I saw the everything. I knew you were going to love each other before either of you did. The little things, they’ve been always there.”

You wiped a tear away. “Like what, Ms. P?”

“Well… I’m sure you know how much of a brood that boy is?”

“Yeah…”

Ms. P smiled.

“I’ve seen him in the years before. That kid never smiled. He stays in the library almost every time he wasn’t in class. And he was always reading, doing his homework, taking a nap.

“And the thing about that Jason, he was always so sad. He had some issues. Most probably at home. I never saw that kid laugh so hard until… well, until you…”

You felt your face burn the way it did the first few months you got together.

“What you also didn’t know, Y/N, was how much his face would light up the moment you walked in. The way he talks, smiles, the way he interacts with everyone else. When you were in the room, it was like you wiped away just about all of his sad little thoughts. And that was only the first week.

“I started seeing him listen closely to you when you sang. I knew because he came up to me once, told me if I ever heard you sing. I said no, and the boy told me I was missing out on one of the best voices in the world.

“When you weren’t around, he’ll come over to my desk, ask where you were. And he’d act so differently without you. He was almost always silent, didn’t like talking to anyone else. And your bickering, _dear god,_ I hated it. I wanted my ears to bleed out the sounds of your voices so much. But then I’d look closer, see how it was most often just cries of attention for each other, how your arguments really made you both smile more than get angry...”

 _It was also what tore you apart_ , you thought.

“You had your own set of secrets, Y/N.”

“Me?” you quirked up a brow.

“Oh, hush. You liked that boy the minute you were given your first carts to shelf-“

“I did _not-“_

“Oh yes you did. You had all those books in the wrong shelves for all those weeks because you wanted to work on the shelves close to him all the time. Follow him around. It drove me nuts.”

“I-“

She smirked at you, and you, rolling your eyes, looked back in front of you.

You smiled even wider. _Yeah. It was true._

“I thought you had your eyes glued to your card games, Ms. P.”

“I did. All it took were some glances. I already knew. He watched you through the shelves, you watched him sleeping in front of you in the table, he watched you when you worked, you both had smiles on your eyes when you talked. The way he smiled with you…”

Ms. Peterson looked down at you and placed a hand on your head.

“Well,” you sighed. “He probably hated me before he died. We broke up just before that… I hate it.”

She shook her head.

“The way that boy cared for you… I don’t think he could ever hate you, Y/N. Fifty years of watching people go by, never have I seen two people fall in love as hard as you both did.”

“Weren’t you married, Ms. P?”

“Oh yes. Four times actually.”

You almost choked.

“Not one of my husbands had half of what that boy had for you. And all it took was a few glances up from my card games. I just knew. You can't tell me otherwise…”

She walked to stand in front of you, hands on her hips. “I can't believe I’m saying this, but thank you. For giving me quite a show…”

You were crying in front of her, but you didn’t care.

“Now get your ass up from the floor. You don’t want me locking you in here again.”

You laughed, dusting off your jeans as you walked out of the doorway. You turned around, took one last glance at the shelves, the books, the tables, the desks.

You saw Jason, right by the carts, smiling back at you.

You looked away before your heart broke even more.

“Also,” Ms. Peterson held your shoulder. “I’m in need of a library assistant for hire. When you’re in college, you might be needing a part time job…”

You like that. You like the idea of holding onto Jason as much as you could. No matter how much it hurt.

“I’d love that.”

Ms. Peterson gave you her number.

“You’re going to be okay, girl.”

She walked away, and you closed up the library doors.

_No, you won't._

You could go home.

But you had one last thing you wanted to do…

And you were going to need to be alone for this one. Really alone. And you were going to need a space enough to give you all the comfort you were going to need.

You took out your phone.

You, all alone in the now dark school campus, walked over to the back of the school, past the hallways and the classrooms.

You stepped out the back doors and walked into the middle of the football field.

Wide. Open. Empty.

You didn’t have much attachment to this place, but this was what you needed. You needed the cold rush of the fresh air. You needed the earthy grass beneath your feet. You needed to look at the sky. Where Jason was looking down at you, watching you.

You were going to need all that to cope.

And by God, this was a lot to cope with.

You opened your unopened messages.

_‘Jason Todd. 1 voicemail. 11:38 pm. April 27.’_

You didn’t open it the first time it popped on your phone. You didn’t know he’d…

They said the bomb exploded at April 27, 11:43 pm.

These were his last words. He chose to use them on you.

And now, now that you knew these were his last, you were undeniably terrified to listen to it

It was a few minutes long. Whatever he had to say, you were ready now. You were going to cherish them, whatever it was he said to you.

 _Fuck,_ you were so scared.

You looked up above, at the empty black sky. Wherever he was, you were here now. For him.

The large field was enough to calm you, at least enough to give you the courage to do this. The bleachers, they looked like they were watching you, seeing how you were going to deal with this. You looked around, with your trembling breath, and hoped the light breeze will be enough to sooth you.

With your fingers shaking, you pressed play and held it up to your ear.

_“Y/N…”_

You closed your eyes.

_“I… I’m not really sure what to say to you… You probably don’t want to hear anything from me right now… but… fuck, you’ll kill me if you knew where I put myself into…”_

Drums. They were beating somewhere. Much like your heart was.

 _“I shouldn’t have said we were done. We could never be over. You and me… we had it in us to last forever. You said that to me once… and I believed it. I still do… B-but then I…”_ You heard him grunt in pain _“I let you get out of that car. I was stupid to hurt you like this. I never should have, and maybe then I can tell myself that I actually deserve you… I don’t. And don’t I know that…”_

Your hair in the wind, you looked up at the sky. The tears were colder against your skin.

_“Fuck. I don’t know if I’m getting out of this… I’m scared. I probably won't… I just wanted to let this out before it’s too late…”_

You sobbed, crying into the emptiness.

_“I love you s-so much... Whether I’m there or I’m not. And you can ignore it if you want, but I love you. You are always going to be mine, and you’ll always have my heart. You have no idea the lengths I’d go just to make you happy, and I’ll do it all again. I don’t care if we fight. I don’t care if you hate me. I love you. always. Always…”_

You fell to the ground, your other hand gripping onto the grass. You tried to hold back your sobs, but they kept coming. **_I don’t hate you_** _… I never could…_

“Jason…” you cried, hoping this was a call. Not a voicemail.

 _“Y/N,”_ he said, and your heart warmed up at the thought of him hearing you right at that moment. _“If I don’t make out of this alive, please let me go…”_

No... not a chance... No…

_“Let me go. But don’t forget about me. Look back at our time together so you’ll find what truly makes you happy. Please, promise me. Promise me you’ll move on…”_

The cries of pain he made in between the words. It all made everything so much worse than it already did.

_“Go to arts college. Be the best singer in the world. Promise me that… Promise that you’ll stop finding things to hate and find more things to love, just as I know you loved me. And I know you did, because you made me the happiest I ever could be… Promise me you’ll be nicer to people. Stop throwing coffee at people’s faces or stabbing them with your scissors. For fuck’s sake, please do.”_

He even managed a chuckle, and with that, so did you.

_“I love you, Y/N…”_

You said into the phone, “ **I love you so much, Jason… I’m so sorry** …”

You head was against the dewy grass, crying the hardest than you ever had your whole life.

_“I’m sorry things didn’t turn out the way we wanted it, baby. I’m so sorry… For everything I did. I wanted a life with you more than anything. And after you listen to this, I hope you forgive me… The last thing I want is to get in the way of your happiness.”_

Of course you forgave him. You forgave him before you even knew.

_“Look up, my Y/N. I can't thank you enough for everything… And know I’m always here. Always.”_

_Always._

It ended.

Your screams, you couldn’t even hear them.

Everything was a dead, muted blur.

Your tears soaked the ground.

Your palms covered in dirt and grass from how much you pulled on them.

You clutched your phone to your chest and cried out all the tears you’ve held back. All this couldn’t be real. You couldn’t possibly have lost him like this.

But you did…

And there was nothing you could do. Nothing to change the past. He was gone. Jason was gone.

He wanted you to move on from that.

No. Absolutely not. You were never going to move on from him. Not even the slightest.

You’ll keep his other promises. You’ll go to the College of the Arts. You’ll be the best goddamn singer in the fucking east coast. You’ll love everything that comes your way. You’ll be the nicest fucking person there was. You’ll do all those faithfully. For him.

But the one thing you’re never going to do was move on. Never.

You looked up.

A single, shining star, looking down at you like it was listening.

“I’m sorry, Jay…” you said, hoping he was listening. “ _But I can't keep that promise_ …”

Nothing happened. Nothing said anything back.

You closed your eyes.

\-----

**Now**

You weren’t crying anymore. You were calm.

The therapist, on the other hand, looked just about breaking down from your sob, shitty story. You smiled.

“I’m not supposed to have my favorites,” she said.

“But you have the most beautiful story… Not everyone can find a love like that…”

“I know. That’s why I refuse to let him go. I love him. Always. I never stopped.”

The therapist nodded, grabbing her mug and taking a drink.

“I’m sorry,” she wiped a tear with her sleeve. “I don’t cry often with my clients around.”

“It’s alright…”

She smiled at you. “You fell in love with him in your library detention work, huh?”

“Yes… I did…”

Then, the therapist nodded but started to frown.

“You know,” you leaned forward. “If it weren’t for him… I wouldn’t have changed. I’d still be that mean, bratty bully he still had the guts to fall in love with. And if I hadn’t changed…”

You looked up at the pair of cat-eye glasses, the same ones that looked at you in so much dismay and annoyance all those years in high school. The same ones that told you off like she was your mother. The same ones you were awfully familiar with, but never grew comfortable of.

“I’d say all this was your fault, _Vice Principal Watson_ …”

The therapist, Dr. Heather Watson, the former Vice Principal of Gotham High, now a reputable therapist from her deeply beloved passion for helping out the troubled youth find their way (mostly inspired by a particular mean girl in her school who needed a lot of her help), let out a short, chuckling breath through her nose and shook her head.

“I was afraid you’d call me that eventually…”

You shrugged. “You’d have seen it coming.”

“Well…” she bit both her lips, trying not to look at you. “I can't say I blame you for blaming me…”

“None of this would have happened if it weren’t for you, you know. You remember that day you gave me that library sentence? You told me I needed someone to hold me back from terrorizing the school. You said I needed a boyfriend.”

Ms. Watson smiled at the memory.

“Turns out, you were right. And it just so happens that a troubled boy, Jason Todd, someone as you said, _wouldn’t be afraid of me even if I tried_ , started a fight at the cafeteria that day and somehow, while we were both in that office of yours, you had the brilliant idea of giving us a completely unnecessary ten weeks-worth of detention with no one else but each other. Tell me, Ms. Watson, that you didn’t do that on purpose because some part of you just _knew_ we’d be perfect together, and I’ll eat my words.”

She stuck her tongue to the side of her mouth.

“I won't deny it.”

You breathed out an airy laugh, looking out into the window.

“I’m sorry…” she said. “No one would have seen this coming-“

“No…”

You bit your lip.

“Did you come here just to tell me that? If it helps, you can place the blame on me. Even his death-“

“Stop it.”

You looked at Ms. Watson.

“I came here to thank you…”

You gave her a sad, yet genuine smile.

“Jason was the best thing that ever happened to me… Doesn’t matter where I am now. I’d never give up the time we had for anything…”

Watson nodded understandingly. She looked down at her notes, flipping to another page. She cleared her throat.

“You changed so much since high school… I’m glad you see it that way, Y/N.”

You looked down at your hands. It’s all thanks to him.

Just as if it were on purpose, the alarm on her table rang.

“Well,” she sighed, turning the alarm off. “Your time’s up.”

You stood up, and you shook Dr. Watson’s hand.

“Thank you, VP.”

“Stop calling me that.”

You laughed. She smiled at you the whole time you went out her office, paid at the reception, then stepped out the building.

It was a warm, summer’s day.

And it was just as warm within your heart.

You breathed in.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

“Dick?”

The voice at the other end of the line was rushing to get somewhere quiet. You, still standing outside the office, held your phone tightly to your ear.

“Hi, Y/N. Is everything okay?”

“Yes…”

You thought it was going to make things easier. And somehow, in a way, it did.

“I just got out of therapy.”

“How’d it go?”

You licked your lips. “Better than I expected, I guess?”

“Yeah, well, I thought you’d need some help to get your head straight. Figure things out.”

“It helped remembering how I got here in the first place…”

“Of course. I’m glad it went well.”

The question was itching in your throat.

“How is he?”

You heard Dick sigh.

“Well, he isn’t trying to kill us on sight anymore, I suppose. He just runs away.”

You looked up at the rooftops.

“Did you find out what brought him back to life?”

“I’m still not sure. Ra’s Al Ghul definitely had something to do with it. He’s a lot stronger now. And a lot more dangerous. Only his Lazarus pit can make that happen…”

You breathed in.

“I’ll need some time. I know you called because you needed me to deal with him, Dick. And I appreciate Bruce paying for the therapy session to help me deal with… this... But I’ll have to think about it.”

“Come meet me at Pauli’s. We’ll talk it through if you want.”

You wanted this.

You had to do this.

“Okay.”


	17. It’s You

“Just coffee. For two.”

The waitress nodded. “Anything else?”

“No.”

She left. Five minutes later she brought in two mugs and poured in your drinks.

You warmed your chilled palms onto the ceramic. You somehow felt cold. Even when it was ninety degrees out. Especially your hands. You blew into your mug and took a sip. Just to warm up the itch in your throat.

Three weeks ago, Dick gave you that first call. You asked what it was about. He said he needed to talk to you in person. When he showed up to your house, he had a sling in his arm from a gunshot wound.

You thought he didn’t need to explain where he got it from. You knew who he was, as well as Bruce. But then he told you that it wasn’t from Penguin or Riddler or even a common thug. That it came from a new enemy going after Batman.

Still a bit confused why he came all the way to your place just to tell you that, he started bringing in a few documents.

First, he showed you pictures of Jason’s grave with a massive hole where his body was supposed to be. You remembered sweating your hair out at the horrible sight, the chills that ran down your back. It wasn’t from grave diggers. No. It was from someone climbing out from 6 feet under the soil.

Then, he showed you DNA test results.

Jason’s DNA, taken from when he was still alive, and a DNA sample from the Red Hood’s blood they had taken from one of their encounters. It was a match.

You demanded to know what was going on. Because whatever Dick was trying to tell you, none of it made even the slightest bit of sense. Dick wished he could explain more, but even he didn’t know the full story.

You couldn’t sleep that night, and barely the next night.

But then the week after that, Bruce invited you over to the mansion to talk. Dick picked you up, and at the dinner table, you, including Alfred, had a long, difficult talk about how he’d confirmed that Jason Todd, officially pronounced dead three years ago April 27, had been brought back to life by some unknown force, took the mantle of the Red Hood.

With you in the brink of tears, Bruce told you they were still trying trace where he came from, studied his techniques that Bruce was sure Jason didn’t know until now. So far, they found out that the Red Hood had been going around the state before he came to Gotham, formed his own crime ring and has taken over the empires of almost ten different drug lords. He was wanted in over six sectors, has left bodies left and right.

And now, he’s challenging Batman with his new style of vigilantism, which included cold-blooded murder. Every time Bruce, Dick, and the new Robin, Tim Drake, come across the Red Hood, they barely come out of it alive. He really wanted them dead.

And he was good at his job, as well. He’s done more good for the people than anything else. But he was also taking the lives of so many, Bruce wanted to put a stop to it.

You asked to be left alone for a while. For days, you didn’t talk to anyone. You stared at the rooftops. You looked at Jason’s old photos, compared them with the Red Hood’s new photos. You tried with everything you could to understand that the man you still loved even after three years of his death was now back, alive, risen from the dead as if that wasn’t actually insane. You mourned for him for so long. You still did. And what was that going to amount to now? You knew he was involved so many things you never could understand. But this? This defiance of the laws of nature?

You barely slept a wink.

Two days ago, Dick told you they needed your help.

You didn’t want to be involved, and you told him that. You weren’t even sure you wanted to see him like this. If this was even the same Jason before his death.

Dick told you that somehow, you could be of help. You could talk to him. Level him back down and give him the peace he needed to stop all the killings. You weren’t sure if that would work, and if anything, it was risking your life. You had no idea what Jason was capable of now. He could kill you. He could be heartless like that. And he was, from the way he was acting now. It wouldn’t be of any surprise.

But Dick and Bruce, they were running out of options. And even without Bruce outrightly admitting it, they wanted Jason back in the family. They missed him, too. It wasn’t just you.

As if the three years of grief weren’t enough. If any part of him was the same Jason you fell in love with, and still love now, this was the thing of your most impossible dreams, that your dead boyfriend had miraculously come back. It was insane. But you knew, with all your heart, you desperately wanted him back.

But you needed the help. Bruce offered to pay for therapy if that was what you needed, to get your head straight, figure things out before you ultimately decide what to do. Eventually, you agreed.

And now, here you were.

You took another sip from your cup, then Dick came up from behind you.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” You stood up to give him a little hug. His hand patting your back, he sat across from you.

“For you.”

“Thank you.” He took the coffee mug. “You’re looking a lot better.”

You held your drink with both hands. “Thanks.”

“If you’re not comfortable in any way, I completely understand.”

You tried to hold back your shaking arms. You didn’t want him to see just how much this all scared you.

“What brought him back?”

“Ra’s al Ghul. The Lazarus pit. At least, that was after he was already resurrected. The pit just fixed his body and made him stronger.”

“Lazarus pit?”

“It’s uh,” he stuttered. “Ra’s has this League of Assassins with his daughter, Talia. And they own all these Lazarus Pits. It’s a sort of a Fountain of Youth. He bathes in it, and it makes him live for six hundred years. It also heals your body from just about any injury.

“They must have found Jason, bathed him in the pit, then nursed him back to health in an attempt to create this someone to go against Bruce.”

This was far, far beyond what you could have possibly imagined. Some sort of the supernatural had always been real. Magic. Aliens. The Justice League. But now that you were involved? This was too much.

But with Jason… your sweet, loving Jason… You’ll do anything.

“You think he’s heartless enough to try to kill me?” you asked.

Dick drank from his coffee mug, set it down, then swallowed.

“I never got to tell you, didn’t I?”

“What?”

Dick bit his lips. “Jason’s not gonna hurt you. I’m sure of it. I wouldn’t have called if it had put you in any kind of danger at all.”

“How are you so sure?”

He looked out the window, at a rooftop from an apartment building nearby. You breathed into your mug.

“About a week ago, I put a tracker on him without him knowing. Then one day I followed him, just to see what he was up to…”

He held his cup.

“He was waiting for you outside your university. And when you got out, he followed you all the way to your house. He’s been at it almost every single day.”

You caught your breath in your throat and watched Dick with your lips starting to shake.

“And it isn’t just that. He does everything to make sure you don’t get hurt. When you go out at night, he’s still watching you. As the Red Hood. One time before you were about to cross an alleyway where thugs were waiting to rob you, he beat the living shit out of them before you even noticed.”

You gulped down, then you drank even more of your coffee just to ease your nerves. You shifted in your seat, then cleared your scratchy throat.

“How long has he been at this?”

“I’m guessing since he first came to Gotham. A month ago.”

The coffee suddenly didn’t taste so calming anymore. “God… I… This is still so much to process…”

“I know.”

“He isn’t going to show himself to me willingly, is he?”

“I don’t think he will. He makes sure you never see him.”

You closed your eyes.

“That’s why I called you. If you got to talk to him, maybe you can get him to listen.”

He loves you. He still does. And he was a broken soul, protecting you when no one was there to protect him. He needed you.

It was that one, single push you needed.

“I want to do it.”

Dick held your wrist and squeezed it tightly. “Don’t worry. If anything goes wrong, Bruce, Tim, and I will be there.”

“It’s not that I’m afraid of,” you said. “I don’t know what’s going to happen after this.”

Not a clue. Not a single premonition.

“Honestly, me neither.” He finished his coffee. “But it’s worth a try.”

\-----

One. Two. Three.

Those fools had it coming.

Barely a word out of his mouth gushing with blood. The Red Hood held his neck, stuck him up against the truck’s container, then pushed his revolver right under his chin.

“When’s Black Mask’s next shipment?!”

“I don’t fucking know!”

He clicked his gun. “I think you do.”

His filtered voice made everything a lot worse. The driver of a weapons cache truck he caught was trembling off his ass. His two other co-workers were lying dead on the ground. And when Red Hood squeezed his neck further, he gasped for air.

“Tomorrow! At the docks!”

He slammed the butt of his gun right to his face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. And just because he had one bullet left to waste, the Red Hood shot his shoulder.

He jumped out the vehicle and stretched out his neck, closing the truck door while the driver continued to scream in pain. The police should be here soon. He’ll have to get out of there.

“Hey there, bud.”

“ _Fucking shit-“_

The Red Hood, in just one swift move, reloaded his gun and aimed right at the top of the truck, at the black and blue figure crouched over staring at him.

“Get out of here.”

“I just want to talk, Jay.”

He wanted to shoot Nightwing’s smug little smirk right off his face. “I mean it.”

“I won't-“

Red Hood fired at the truck’s metal just an inch away from Nightwing’s leg.

“I won't miss next time.”

“Just listen to me-“

“Fine. You wanna play that game, Grayson?”

He took his other gun strapped from his hip. Nightwing jumped off the truck before he started firing at his face.

Dodging the bullets, he started leaping circles around him, getting closer to where he was standing. Red Hood stopped firing, threw his guns to the ground, then charged for Nightwing’s leg just as he got close enough.

His larger figure stopped himself from tumbling to the ground when Nightwing landed a kick to his helmet. He growled, waited for him to pounce again, then Red Hood ducked under his leg, shot up quickly enough to land his powerful fist right against his chest.

Nightwing was down. He rolled to the floor, but resisted pulling out his escrima sticks. He wasn’t here to beat him down. But obviously, Red Hood wasn’t here to talk, either.

He ducked and blocked Red Hood’s succeeding hits, almost rolling around the empty road. He kicked him in the stomach, then Red Hood headbutted him with his much stronger helmet.

“Jason!” Nightwing blocked him with his arm. “This is about Y/N!”

He stopped.

Then his helmet was about to melt at the immense heat his head was boiling to. “ _WHAT DID YOU SAY!?”_

Nightwing leapt up to a pole. Red Hood grabbed his guns, reloaded them, then started firing.

“Stop it!”

“Fuck you!”

He kept firing at Nightwing’s body, backing off when he got too close. He was going to kill him. He wasn’t getting out of this alive. Not tonight. Mentioning your name like that, it’s going to cost him his life.

“She knows! About you!”

“You fucking _ASSHOLE_.”

More. More bullets. Nightwing went into one of the alleys and jumped up the fire exits. Red Hood kept firing, the bullets bouncing through the walls. He climbed up the escape and chased after him.

“ _HOW THE FUCK DID SHE KNOW?”_

“I told her!”

“ _oh, you’re dead, Grayson.”_

They reached the rooftop, and Nightwing ran all the way to the other side of the ledge. Red Hood sprinted after him, opening fire. He didn’t care where they landed. He wanted his body to put into the shock in the middle of jumping to another rooftop and fall to his death.

“She wants to talk to you!”

“ _NOT A FUCKING CHANCE.”_

“Don’t you think she deserves to know what happened-“

_“LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS, DICK.”_

He made sure you never saw him alive. You thought he was dead. He was going to keep it that way.

Then he ran out of bullets, cursing beneath his breath, Red Hood threw his guns to the floor and chased him down.

When he caught him, he pinned him to the ground, grabbing him by his neck. “Jay-“

“I’m going to kill you. Right now. You think I’ll hesitate?”

“Do you really want to break her heart again, asshole?”

“ _You fucking_ -“ Red Hood punched him in the face. Then Nightwing folded his legs up, pushed him with the heels of his feet, landing him on the ground. He placed his arm right against his neck.

“You of all people can't lecture me on breaking hearts, you jackass.”

Red Hood punched him again, then got off the floor. Nightwing finally pulled out his escrima sticks, and Jason pulled out the last of his guns from his holsters and aimed it at Nightwing’s head.

They paused, stared each other down with their weapons in hand a yard’s distance away.

“Just… talk to her.”

“I can't believe you pulled her into this-“

“This isn’t about our little game. This is about you, Jay. And you need our help-“

He laughed. “Since when did I ask for your fucking help?”

“Since you killed almost a hundred people in Gotham in the last month-“

“Those aren’t just people, you _idiot_. They’re Joker’s men. Penguin’s. Two Face’s. They all deserve to die.”

Nightwing tightened his grip on his sticks. “Then just talk to her. She deserves that. You of all people should know just how hurt she is.”

He clicked his gun. “Mention her again, and I’ll blow your brains out.”

“She’s waiting for you at the plaza. Behind the cathedral. It’ll just be you and her. Just let her talk to you-“

Just one pull of a trigger. And this son of a bitch dies for ever even speaking to you. He’ll fucking keep his word.

“You think I don’t know this is a trap? What, you, Bruce, and that fucking replacement will be waiting to ambush me in the dark?”

“Not this time. You have to believe me.”

He scoffed. “What are you trying to do? Change all this?”

“Trust me, I get it. You have no intention in mending anything with Bruce. But if you don’t show up, it’ll devastate her.”

“She’ll be fine. Trust me. She dealt with worse.”

“And you really want to subject her into that again?”

Deep, slow breaths. He lightly pulled the trigger, but Nightwing just skidded to the side and dodged him.

They heard something. Coming from below. Police sirens cleaning up the weapons truck.

Staring each other down, Nightwing and Red Hood slowly backed off. He hated him. All of them. His fucking family that never once cared for his ass, or felt any type of remorse for not being able to save him. The family that never thought to avenge him, set their morals aside to do what’s actually right. They look down on what he does, and yet, he’s done more to control Gotham’s crime than Bruce ever had in his lifetime.

Red Hood set his gun down, then they both sprinted to opposite ends of the rooftops.

He was going to clean up their mess. Again.

\-----

It ends tonight.

Everything. Your story. Your mourning. Your commitment to your dead, beloved high school boyfriend. Your unhealthy attachment to what could have been. Your reluctance to move on.

You realized, it all ends tonight.

No matter what happens, no matter how this all ends, everything was going to change.

If he doesn’t show up, it’ll pave the way for you to move forward, knowing that Jason, given the chance that seemed entirely impossible just a few weeks ago, had no intention of even speaking to you, let alone change for his own betterment. It should tell you to let him go, despite you not wanting to. It’ll tear your heart into shreds, more than it already was, but if he was alive, and he still wanted nothing to do with you…

You just hoped that won't be the case. You still loved him. Endlessly.

And if he does show up, it could only end as well as you being able to convince him to stop with the killings, be his better self, be the Jason you knew he still was, and it’ll go on from there. The miraculous dream you never thought to be true. Your loyalty to him, rewarded. And no longer will this life go on as if you were merely running in a slow, painful treadmill with no actual direction, other than to keep the promises Jason asked of you. You’ll have him back. As crazy as it still is, you’ll actually have him back.

But that was the most wishful thinking you could do. It’ll almost never end that way.

But, no matter the outcome, if he changes or not, you’ll finally come to the end of you dreaming about the past. You’ll know he was here. Alive.

That alone fixed some parts of your broken self.

So you got out of your car, walked out into the plaza where you told Dick you’ll be waiting. Behind the Cathedral. Where there was no one around but trees and bushes. The next walkway was yards away, and there were almost no lampposts nearby. If what Dick said was true, and Jason would never try to hurt you, you’ll still be safe.

You leaned against the wall, looked around at the vines eating up an old, wooden bench.

And you breathed. Long deep breaths.

You were going to see him. Finally.

Maybe your attachment to him was made for this. Because somehow, deep within you, you knew it wasn’t over. You knew he wasn’t completely gone. As hopeful as it was, it somehow came true.

Deep. Slow. Breaths.

An hour. Maybe an hour and a half. You waited.

You were going to have to be as patient as you could be.

_What were you gonna say to him?_

A lot of things. Punch him in the face. Scream at him for ever leaving you like that. Yell at him for idiotically going after the Joker by himself. Hug him. Kiss him.

Your mind was boggling. This was never what you signed up for.

But it was everything you could have hoped for.

You’re seeing him again. Jason. Your love. Your first, and still love. Oh, how your heart warmed. You wanted his arms back. You wanted his lips back. You wanted-

_Thud._

A noise.

Coming from the roof.

You stepped out from leaning against the wall. Nothing. Nothing above you.

Another thud. On the grass.

You looked around.

Your heart was thrashing hysterically in your ribcage.

“Jason?”

You walked to the other side of the cathedral’s backside. But there wasn’t so much as a squirrel around you.

Then.

_Then._

You turned around.

There was a figure.

A large, dark figure, hiding in the shadows. By the trees. A few yards away from the building.

You narrowed your eyes, squinted to get a better look.

It was getting closer.

You wanted to back away, but you didn’t. You were too frozen too move.

When it passed by a single ray of light from a faraway post, you saw it was a man in a dark, hooded jacket. With what looked like armor on his chest.

He got closer. Closer. Close enough for you to see the red bat symbol on his chest.

You took a step back.

He was huge. So fucking huge. This couldn’t be him. Not by a mile.

You took another step back.

And when he got close enough so you could see the red helmet where his head was supposed to be, with white, glaring eyes looking back at you menacingly, you fumbled backing away until you ultimately hit the wall.

The Red Hood.

He walked to you until he was standing so close to your shivering body. You pressed yourself against the wall as much as you could. Your whole body thudding, your head swarming in panic. Your stomach was churching, much like it did when you were terrified beyond belief. You wanted to run away, but his helmet, his chilling red helmet, it stared you down so you couldn’t even move. An inch away from your body, the Red Hood growled.

“ _Stay… Away…”_

You swallowed.

“Jason?”

“ _Don’t… Don’t even try.”_

“You're…” you breathed out, your chest heaving. “ _You’re really alive_ …”

He just stared at you, not giving you any chance to move. You were stuck, pressed against the wall, as you stared at him in disbelief.

“How much do you know?”

You were stuttering. Your shaking mouth forced you to. You’ve never been so scared in your life. “A lot…”

The Red Hood slightly turned his head to the side.

You wanted to see him. Really see him. His face… without thinking, you reached up to his helmet.

He pushed your hands away, and you gulped, backing off.

“Whatever it is you're trying to do, stop it. It’s not going to work.”

“I just want to talk-“

“ _About what? What are you possibly hoping for?”_

“Why didn’t you come to me?” you whispered. “Why didn’t you see me first? You have no idea-“

“You think you want to see _this?”_

He pointed at his chest. “ _This_ isn’t what you think it is. I’m not who you fucking think I am.”

Of course he isn’t. You didn’t expect him to.

“You have no idea how much I wanted this…”

“This isn’t what you want. Trust me. Far from it.”

Eyes stuck to his helmet, where his own eyes were supposed to be, you didn’t know what you wanted to say.

“I want to talk to you. I know about what you do… and I still do-“

“Forget about all this okay? As far as you know, I’m still dead.”

This time, as scared as you were, you wanted to punch him.

“Do- do you have _any_ idea how much you hurt me?”

He didn’t answer.

“You fucking don’t.”

“I wouldn’t talk that way to someone with three guns on him.”

“Go ahead. Shoot me. Kill me. If you insist that’s what you are.”

You saw his shoulders rise, his breath deepened. You bit your lips, and you stepped closer to him. You craned your head up his much taller figure.

“What do you expect out of this?”

“I just want to talk…”

“ _About what_?”

His filtered voice. There was barely anything of the Jason you knew. You couldn’t see his face. His whole body grew more than four sizes larger. You couldn’t hear his voice. It was so hard trying to be gentle to someone who just looked terrifying to look at.

“Stay away from me.”

“No,” you said. “Take that mask off and _look at me._ ”

“Listen,” he walked towards you and pushed you against the wall. “I don’t know what you want. You want us to talk? And what do you want out of that? Something more?” he scoffed.

Your mouth turned dry. You wanted to kick him in the groin until he’ll barely be able to walk.

“You left me,” you whispered. “When you said you never would.”

“We broke up-“

“ _You. Left me._ ” you hissed. “You have no idea…”

He stopped, looking to the side at the wall behind you.

“You should’ve moved on-“

“ _Fuck you_.”

Tears. Angry tears. They wanted to seep out. He stepped back. “If you know what’s good for you, forget about all this-“

“I can't believe this is how you are after you fucking _died_ and left me to grieve you for three years-“

“Deal with it. I’m not who you fucking think I am.”

And, as it seems, you started to believe him.

This was a cold, heartless villain. The Red Hood. His helmet, his voice, his body. None of it was Jason anymore.

“I just want to talk… Please…”

He shook his head, not even giving you another glance. The Red Hood turned away from you and walked out into the trees until you couldn’t see him anymore.

You cried too much for him. Far too much.

So you didn’t this time. You let yourself slowly realize this was how things ended.

Your phone rang.

“Y/N?”

You breathed. “He won't talk to me…”

“It’s alright. We did what we could. I can come up there and-”

“Can I be alone? Please? I’m going home.”

“Of course. I’m really sorry…”

You hang up.

\----

It felt like it was about to rain, even when there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

You went up to your bed, folded your knees up your chest and stared blankly at the cold, empty floor. It was back. All over again. The same loss when they told you he died. That wasn’t Jason you talked to. Far from it.

There was no trace of his sweet, comforting voice, of his handsome face that lit up any room he was in. His arms, now twice as large as they used to be, they didn’t give off that soothing rush that calmed down all your nerves when he’d pull you into his chest. His voice, it was far from some fucking robotic filter that hurt your ears. You hated every part of it. You hated that helmet. You hated what he became.

Jason was still dead. He wasn’t coming back.

You hoped far too much of what was impossible to ask for. Because whatever that was, the Red Hood… You didn’t know what you were even expecting. That wasn’t your boyfriend. He couldn’t be.

You wanted to see the Jason who smiled bashfully when he saw you walk down the steps of your apartment, the one who stuffed his hands in his pockets, eyes glistening as he stared lovingly at you. You wanted the guy who wanted to see you every day of the week, miss you on the days when he wasn’t and push everything to the side just to spend every minute he had with you. The one so obsessed with you that he couldn’t possibly ask you to stay away, or ever make you feel like he didn’t want to see you at all. You didn’t like feeling so unwanted.

You hoped, with that tiny part of you that still had it, that he would have met you, looking exactly the same way he did before he died, and pull you into his arms. The dramatic part of you wanted to run to him, and he’d run to you, and you’d crash into an embrace for hours and hours until he’ll ultimately pull away to kiss you.

And instead, you got a red helmeted asshole who told you to stay the fuck away from him.

You clenched your fists, shutting your eyes.

That part of him should still be alive. A part of him should still be loving you as you knew he did. He followed you around, didn’t he? He protected you.

How could he… after all you went through just to hold on to him… this is how he treats you…

_Thud._

You reached for your scissors you had stashed beside your bed. There was someone in your fire escape, standing like a brick wall.

A tall man, face hidden by the shadows of his red hoodie. He stared at you, but he wasn’t moving.

Your hands left your scissors.

You knew exactly who it was. You stepped off the bed.

Your heart was pounding so hard within your chest, you thought of running out of your room. But he didn’t look like how he did a while ago. His head was down, almost like he was looking at the ground.

You walked to your window and slid the glass open.

You still couldn’t see his face. The shadows were too dark.

All the emptiness, the darkness, all that consumed you, it was all finally starting to fade out. When you saw how he didn’t have any weapons on him, no armor, no helmet, this was what you thought to see.

You let out a broken, trembling breath as you climbed out into the fire escape, facing the man closer and closer. He slightly backed away, but his back hit the railing. You stood in front of him, frightened, but not enough to run away.

He flinched when he started for his hoodie, but you didn’t back off. Your nerves were on fire but you wanted to rid the shadows, finally see him as you never thought you ever could again after all those years.

Gulping, he leaned in.

You took off the hoodie.

The same black hair that fell down to his forehead, slight curls that tickled his skin. His jaw, angular and strong. His lips, chapped and scarred. His eyes, that deep, bright blue so beautiful that it tore through you and looked right into your soul. They looked through you so woefully, hurt, broken.

And scars. One that tore through his eyebrow, one on the corner of his lip, and one on his cheek.

You breathed, and a single tear fell down your face.

It was him.

Undeniably.

It was him.

It was Jason.

_He’s here._

You clutched to his neck, both your arms pulling him so tightly to you that you swore you’ll never let go again. Oh, his warmth. His body. He was here. He was actually here. You stuck your face into his shoulder, holding onto him so hard that you’ll kill him if he even tried to move away.

Jason.

Jason.

_Jason._

“Oh god…” you cried. “It’s you…”

And you could feel just how much he wanted to pull away. He was meaning to. But fuck him. You weren’t about to. His muscles tensed. His breath hitched. You could feel his chest stiffen-

Then,

You felt his incredibly strong arms around you.

And you sobbed. Silently. Not so much with tears but with your broken breaths, your shaking arms. He stuck his face into your hair and breathed in. _Yes._ This was Jason. This was definitely him.

You could hardly believe anyone could be risen from the dead. You saw him in his coffin. His lifeless body, white and cold. And he was here, back with the same exact warmth and life. He looked different, there was no denying that.

But the moment you looked into his eyes, you knew it was him.

“Jay…”

He tightened his hold on you.

“Y/N…”

And you cried even more. That voice. The same that said your name in the most beautiful way he possibly could in that voice message you listened to over and over again. He’s here. He’s really here.

Your hands on his face, you pulled away so you could look at him more.

And he looked like he was about to cry as well. The light from your room, it shone perfectly on his face. Every detail, you could revel in. His hands squeezed your shoulders and you pressed your forehead tightly against his.

You wanted to kiss him so badly…

He closed his eyes, but you didn’t. You kept looking at him, watching how his face moved.

Jason took your hands, gripped them tightly by the wrist,

Then pulled you away.

“Uhm,” he cleared his throat, taking his hands off from you and stuffing them back to his pockets. “I came to talk. Like you wanted…”

He looked to the ground. And reluctantly, you backed away.

You leaned against the railing beside him and crossed your arms.

“I don’t know where to start…”

Jason turned to you. “How are you?”

You had so many things to say. You could blurt out all your thoughts and you wouldn’t be able to stop. But you settled yourself, calmed your mind.

“I’m not so sure myself.”

“School?”

“Ending my third year. I went to arts college…”

“Yeah… I know. You like it?”

You nodded. “I do…”

You desperately wanted to hold him again, but you just kept to your shoulders lightly brushing.

“How ‘bout you?”

“Horrible. Thanks for asking.”

You shook your head. You wanted to chuckle, but you weren’t sure that’d be the best thing to do.

“Jay, what happened-“

“You really don’t want to know…”

“I deserve to know, don’t you think?”

Jason turned around, placed his hands on the railing and looked down onto the alley. You did the same, but your eyes were locked on him.

“Something happened. Some reality altering shindig in the cosmos. Ripples, as you might say. I’m not so sure myself. It caused a lot of weird shit to happen. Including me. I woke up in that coffin and climbed my way out.”

You swallowed.

“Somehow, the al Ghul’s found me and nursed me back to health. They put me in the Lazarus pit-you know what that is, don’t you?”

“I have an idea.”

“Anyway,” he continued. “They let me spend time in the League. Some sort of brainwash, but I got over it after a while. I went around different cities in Jersey, then I got to Gotham. You know the rest.”

You looked down at the empty alleyway with him. And you didn’t have much to say. You could tell he didn’t want to be consoled.

“Well, you certainly changed.”

He looked out into the rooftops. There wasn’t any wind, so nothing was blowing into his hair. You watched his face so raw, a matured version of what he once was. But it was still him.

“Aren’t you gonna ask what happened to me?”

His lips went through his teeth, gritting as his muscles tensed.

“I listen to your message. All the time.”

You didn’t think he’d be so shocked, but he was.

“It sent?”

“What do you think?”

Jason pursed his lips, shutting his eyes so he couldn’t look at you.

“I kept your promises…”

You held your hands together, and you stared at them. “I went to college for you. I changed. A lot. I’ve been singing for events around the city a lot.”

He nodded. “Yeah. I watched you a few times.”

You breathed out. Slowly.

“Not all of them, though.”

Jason looked at you, and you looked back at him.

“I couldn’t move on…”

“Fuck…” he cursed. “Y/N-“

“I _can't._ ”

“It’s been three fucking years…”

Your heart just shattered at the way he as looking at you now.

“I haven’t even talked to another guy. Not one date. I wouldn’t let them. I told them…” You shouldn’t tell him, but you really wanted to. “I told them I was still with you-“

“ _Fucking hell_.” He stuffed his face into his hands. “I can't believe you…”

You choked. “I lost you!”

“You should have let me go…”

“I can't!”

You held his shoulder, but he flinched away.

“ _Why…”_ you cried. “Why this? I’ve done nothing but mourn for you-“

“I wanted you to live your fucking life!”

You turned away, and Jason looked at the streets by the building, at the empty cars and leaves stuck on the road.

“I wanted you to move on…”

You never once thought you’d have this conversation. Not in your life. “I couldn’t think of it.”

Jason closed his eyes, and you hugged yourself despite the heat. Your throat wanted to climb out of your neck. And your uneasy breaths, it choked you.

Jason let out a strong breath and looked at you.

“You know what I didn’t tell you in that message?”

“No…”

He leaned over the railings, elbows on the metal. He closed his eyes.

“I wanted to tell you that if I ever got out of that place alive, I’ll do everything- _everything_ -I possibly could to get you back…”

You looked up at the sky. Something stung in your heart.

“But I didn’t. I didn’t want to put you in a terrible place. Whether I got out of it or I didn’t, I just wanted you to find what you were really looking for…”

“I want you...“

“Y/N…”

“ _I still do…”_

“You don’t,” he choked. “We were kids-“

“Fuck you, _is that what you really think_?”

He breathed through his mouth, looking at almost everything around but _you._

“This was a bad idea…”

He started for the stairs. And you watched him, feeling him tear your heart out all over again. Just like the first time.

“Jay… Please…”

Just as he took the first step, he stopped when you held his face.

He didn’t pull away. In fact, he leaned into them.

“Don’t leave me again…”

“Y/N,” he bit his lip, leaning closer to you but not close enough to kiss you. “You don’t want this…”

“I do…”

“No-“

“Why not?”

“I’m not bringing you into this. You don’t know who I am anymore.”

“ _You're worth it_ …”

“Y/N…”

You brushed his cheek with your thumb. He was about to cry, and you, with your tears already falling, you whispered.

“ _You are the love of my life_ …”

He closed his eyes, let you hold his face a bit tighter.

“Do you really want me to forget about you?”

Your breath shaking, it hurt like the world stepped on you when he slowly nodded. “I can't let you hold on to me any longer…”

Everything. It hurt ten times more than you ever thought it could. You never could have thought this would happen.

“Just give me a few days with you… Please…”

“Y/N, no-“

“ _Please_ ,” you gulped. “I’ve been wanting To just...hold you... for so long. I never thought I’d get to anymore. And now, _you're actually here._ The cosmos. Whatever brought you back, they sent you here. and if you really… If I can't spend the rest of my life with you anymore, just give me a few days… Please just give me that…”

Jason finally looked up at your eyes, shaking. His eyebrows were up to his forehead, and he looked so terribly beautiful.

“Please… and I swear, I’ll forget about us. I’ll finally move on. You never have to see me again…”

Jason… Your beautiful, perfect Jason…

He took your hands off of his face.

And you turned around before you hurt yourself even more watching him leave you for the second time.

You faced out the building, at the empty sky, then you shut your eyes close before it sank in that this was the reality you had to face. Another nightmare. Just when you thought you could handle it.

You heard Jason’s voice, light and subtle.

“Three days…”

You turned around.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He almost jumped down the fire exit, disappearing before he could possibly change his mind.


	18. The Song

It was a dirty, dangerous promise and he never should’ve given in at the last minute.

The rational part of him left over from his existing sanity endlessly scolded him for the reckless act of leaving before he’d knowingly change his mind of promising you crucial, needless to say _dangerous_ three days. Just a few months ago, he rose from the dead, defied the odds, cold-bloodedly murdered dozens of people a single night, and the one moment he let his guard down, he let himself look into your eyes and give in. _He gave in._ Like the idiotic teenage boy you thought he still was. He definitely wasn’t that anymore, and he knew for an obvious, undeniable fact that there was no turning around who he was, or what he was now.

And all those months of hiding in the shadows, barely keeping up his stealth just so you wouldn’t suspect anything out of him, it had all gone for nothing because of Grayson’s blabber mouth he wanted to put a bullet in right now. He did that for a purpose. He never wanted you to see him the way he was right now. He knew what he was doing was absolutely necessary, do what Batman was too much of a coward to do and end the lives that would’ve taken a hundred more of the innocents’.

But it didn’t mean he thought it was _right_. He hated morals and patronized Bruce so much for that, when he was Robin and still lived under his roof. But each time he shed blood, there was no denying that he wished there would have been other alternatives to have put them down for good. Which there wasn’t. This was his ultimate, necessary resort. He’d do that if he had to, never mind people looking down on him or seeing him in a bad light. At least, he knew, that he saved so many with his actions. That alone was enough to drive him to do what he does.

He wouldn’t hide it, but when it came to you, Y/N, you’d be ashamed of what he’d become. When you loved, you loved hard. He had never felt so secure with anyone else. You loved him greatly, and you made him feel like you were terrified of losing him, maybe even more than he was terrified of losing you, which was already great in itself. And he reveled in that love, made sure he never took advantage of it and gave you the exact same amount of love back. Not because he had to, but because he actually did love you that much. And he wanted you to feel that.

But that was when you were kids… As great as that love was, he couldn’t possible rekindle anything for now. You were of no part of his vigilante life when he met you, and he made sure it stayed that way. That was why he never came to tell you. You were so precious to him, the best taste of a life that was normal, content, and happy beyond what he could describe. He didn’t want you to be exposed to any of that. It was basically why he left you the moment you knew about him.

Now, he was ten times worse. He willingly killed. He made deals with actual human demons. He’s a part of the most dangerous debacles the whole world has ever seen. With the League, the al Ghul’s, the fact that he was a living, breathing zombie. You just couldn’t be a part of that anymore. No matter how much his life turned to the worst, he couldn’t have this for you. He couldn’t possibly be worth all the pain and trouble that came with merely being by his side. Not a chance. He wouldn’t make himself worth it.

If he was, he’d put you in the worst place possible. And you didn’t deserve that.

He fell in love with how human, genuine, and real you were. All those times he had with you, dates and adventures and lying in bed laughing all night, he couldn’t possibly destroy that. You deserved that kind of happiness and normality that strayed you away from the danger that he was.

But if it meant spending the next three days with you, going through all this just to give you the kind of closure you never had the first time he left, it was the least he could do. And after that, if you truly kept to your promise, you’d move on from him and live the life you always deserved. And you had to. He’ll make sure of that. He’ll make sure that the next three days, you’ll either be so repulsed of the sight of him, or give you a slow, much needed exit from his life that was unnecessarily dramatic but still all the more necessary. He’ll give you that. You deserved that. No matter how much _he_ didn’t.

He’ll keep his cool, maintain enough distance not to spark anything he wouldn’t want to start that would only make matters worse. He’ll make sure you’d instead be exhausted of your apparent attachment to him, and by the end of this, you’ll willingly leave. Even though this was extremely idiotic in his part and defied practically everything he told himself not to fall into for the last few months since he had enough sanity in him to have any logical thought, he’ll have to orchestrate this whole thing so it ends as smoothly as it should.

And when this is all over, when you finally get to live your life, he promised himself that he’ll never-ever-see you again.

He won't follow you back home from your university, to your part time job, to the restaurants you go with your friends or even an alley you were too dangerous to go in. He scared all the thugs enough not to go back. So it was safe. Hopefully.

No matter how much it stung, he’ll stay away from you. For good.

Jason, wearing a black hoodie and some jeans despite the warm summer weather, walked down the sidewalk going down to your street. He was nervous, and all the promises he kept for himself, he made sure to remember them before he left this morning.

When he reached the curb, he stopped before the pedestrian lane and waited for the light to turn green.

You were there, right outside your apartment standing by the steps. Right across from him. You wore a dark red sleeveless top and a skirt that went down to your thighs. Your eyes were on your phone, momentarily looking up. No wind blew against your hair, but it flowed to your little movement, falling from behind your shoulder down to your chest.

He didn’t see it last night, especially with it being so dark.

But you grew up so beautifully mellowed, exactly how he would’ve envisioned you to look now from three years ago, except he didn’t realize he’d be in this place now. And with it being everything he expected, it meant that you, despite the futile halting of his mesmerized thoughts, were heart-stoppingly beautiful in every way he could have imagined.

He watched you, from the other side of the street, making sure his sweating palms were out of sight. The car noises and crowd talking had been long blurred out and silenced. His eyes, they were poignant and unmoving, forehead creased up like he was worried when there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. People around him started to cross the lane, and he went along with them. He never dared to look away from you, not even for a second. You looked up, tapping your phone onto your palm.

When you caught his eyes, you smiled.

He knew he shouldn’t.

But your smile, small, yet everything he thought he’d never get to see ever again, it unwillingly forced him to smile back. Jason reached the sidewalk, went over to you, and you kept your pretty little smile as you waited for him.

“Hi.”

He breathed in, forgetting just about everything he thought about at that quick minute he stood in a trance and cleared his throat. “Let’s go.”

“You have anything planned?” You placed your hands in front of you.

“Not exactly. You?”

“I do… if you’d let me.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll go wherever.”

“Okay,” you smiled. “I drive.”

“I drive.”

“It’s my car.”

“I don’t know where you’ll take me.”

“You said we can go wherever we want.”

“Just tell me where you wanna go, and I’ll take us there.”

You snorted and rolled your eyes. “Fine, jackass.”

You took him to your car that you had parked just outside your apartment. It was a black sedan, probably from your dad. “Nice ride.”

“Thanks. It’s my dad’s old car.”

You both got in, with him at the driver’s seat. “You and your dad doing good?”

“He wanted me off his life now that he has a new wife and everything. I demanded an apartment, a car, and money for my tuition, or else I wouldn’t stop sneaking into his house and destroy his stuff.”

“Jesus. How the fuck are you still not arrested?”

You made a satisfied, proud little sound when you shrugged. Jason exhaled with a bit of a laugh and started the ignition. “Where are we off to?”

“You know that outdoor Italian place by the plaza?”

“ _Italian?_ ”

“My treat.”

“Are you serious?”

He should have known you’d turn this into a date. This was everything he hoped wouldn’t happen.

“I have something to do there. Just drive.”

“Fine. Jeez.”

He drove off into the streets, not long before he reached the plaza and parked by one of the empty spots near the open grassy field. You got off the car, walked by his side and you reached _Giuseppe’s._ It was a quaint little place, just by a giant open field where people usually took their dogs to. The inside was quite full, red and black plaid covering most of the décor. The outside, on the other hand, looked beautiful. The metal seats and the small circular tables that littered the concrete ground built on top of the grass, where trees were around enough to give enough shade from the sun. and there were lines tied from one end of the restaurant all the way to the roof that had little fairy lights on them that would have been gorgeous at night.

He wasn’t comfortable in the slightest. He barely goes out during the day. And he hated being around so many people. In fact, this was probably the first time he eats out of the house that wasn’t the cheap diner across the street. He hated every bit of it.

 _But anything for you_ , he guessed.

“For two,” you told the host. And they led you to an empty table in the middle where a big yellow umbrella was standing in the middle. You took your seats, and Jason gave you a dirty, disapproving look.

“This wasn’t supposed to be a date.”

You scoffed. “Sure. Call it that.”

“I didn’t call it a date-“

“Yeah, you totally did. What’s wrong with two friends eating lunch together?”

“At a pricey Italian place?”

“It’s not _that_ expensive here. And take that hoodie off. It’s ninety degrees out.”

He leaned back against his chair, collecting his breath, then pulled down his hoodie.

“That wasn’t so bad, now was it?”

“Shut up.”

Friends. He had to remember that. You called him your friend. He should be happy. It wouldn’t be as hard when you say goodbye to him after 72 hours if you were just his _friend._

The waiter came in, and you both gave your orders. You leaned in, smiling, and he tried not to smile back, but the smirk on your face just made him want to chuckle.

“Alright, what is it you wanted to do here?”

From your medium sized purse you had slung over your shoulder, you pulled out a camera, a large black one, and your phone. You scrolled to one of the screenshots you had and handed it to him.

“For our finals, we’re told to write an original song, record it by ourselves, then we make a music video out of it.”

“That sounds…” he scratched the back of his head. “Impressive.”

“And I wanted to get some footage from here in the plaza.”

“You’re gonna film people without their consent?”

“Relax. I won't include their faces. _Nothing to worry about_.”

You imitated his voice with that last sentence and it made his skin crawl. “Whatever.”

You placed your camera back into your bag.

“You wrote a song, huh?”

“Yeah. Plenty. I’ve gotten good practice overtime.”

“Really?” he leaned over, curving up the corner of his mouth. “Let me hear them.”

“No, you dingus. It’s a really rough draft.”

“All your songs are rough drafts?”

“For now.” The waiter gave you your glasses of water. You drank from it. “I never got to record them in a studio. I had to do them on my own.”

“You have equipment and everything?”

“I have enough. The school lends us what we need.”

“And you wrote the lyrics and wrote the sheets and everything?”

“ _Everything_.” You smiled proudly. “Shouldn’t have doubted you when you told me to choose music.”

Jason smiled at the memory, drinking from his glass. “Yeah…”

Your food eventually came. And you both opted to eat in silence. He shouldn’t be talking so much. He had to remember why he was here in the first place. He shouldn’t be _remembering_ anything that hits too close to what he had to avoid.

He looked up, momentarily watched you eat your pasta.

In a fancy Italian place. Or the school cafeteria.

He smiled at the sight of you.

\-----

“Okay.”

You held your camera up, pointed it at the restaurant when you stood a reasonable distance away on the open field. You looked up, squinted at the sun, then adjusted the lens to get the right amount of light in the shot.

“Jay, stand here.”

“What?”

“ _Here_ ,” you pointed to your side. “Cover the light.”

“Why me-“

“You grew half a foot since I last saw you. You’re tall enough to block the fucking sun. Come.”

Jason made sure you heard his annoyed grunt and stood over to give you the shade you needed. “ _Perfect._ ”

“I feel used.”

“Well, were you just gonna stand there and be useless?”

“When I said I gave you three days, I didn’t mean to be your fucking assistant.”

“Then you should’ve thought of that before you agreed.”

You started recording. Jason must have thought you were filming the couples on a date, kids running about on the grass. You could have covered people’s eyes and caught the bright smiles on their faces, how their face creased up when they laughed so hard they almost toppled off their seats.

But that wasn’t what you were going for.

Instead, you caught the lone man, sitting crouched over on a table with no one sitting next to him. His face was looking down at his book, and his eyes looked almost shut closed. He didn’t once look up at the people around him, at the waiter that gave him his drink. He didn’t even order much but a single plate of pizza. You didn’t catch his whole face, but you caught his eyes, his hands on his book. His back turned to the otherwise on going scene of events around him that he couldn’t be bothered to watch. He probably wasn’t sad, but he definitely looked like it.

You stopped recording and looked back at your footage.

“He won't like that.”

“Hush. No one will recognize him. And no one’s going to find out when the only people actually getting to watch this shit are my professors and a few beta watchers.”

You placed the camera down, then looked around.

“Quick, Jay. Help me find more depressing things to film.”

“Is this another disturbing horror film you made a bunch of in high school?”

“ _No_ …”

You winked at him and he guffawed. “I can't believe I let you drag me into this.”

“Quit complaining.”

“You know what this reminds me of?”

He shouldn’t. he really shouldn’t. but he couldn’t help it.

“When you hold me hostage just to help you with your little projects in class.”

“Hey,” you countered, pointing the camera at him. “ _You_ happen to be a very good assistant.”

“I’m not your assistant.”

“I passed all my classes with your help, remember?”

Jason ran his fingers through his hair and you noticed him give it a little tug. “Fine. I’ll help you.”

“Good. Now find me another sad thing to film.”

You both started walking down the park’s open area. Kids were running around, people sat on the grass with picnic lunches being set up. People were actually smiling, and the sun shining so brightly didn’t help with the mood, either.

“There.”

Jason pointed you at a bench where a kid was crying. Alone. He didn’t look like he had a scraped knee or anything much to cry about. He was probably lost. “Thanks.”

You took your camera, aimed it at the kid, and made sure you got a shot of his head curved down, his arms covering his body with his legs trembling as they hung off the edge of the bench. You caught the sight of his mouth curving down, the tears running down his face, and you especially made sure to catch him sniffing and wiping his snot off with just his arm. “Poor kid,” Jason said.

“Aaaand, we got it.” You smiled brightly, looking back at your footage with wide eyes and a proud look on your face. You even laughed when you got the shot of his snot.

Jason frowned at you.

“Seriously?”

“What?”

“That kid’s crying.”

“What do you want me to do about it?”

“Go help him.”

“ _I’m not gonna-_ “

“Y/N.”

“I make kids cry, not make them feel better.”

Jason laughed at that and shook his head. “Go help him. You got footage from him and it’s the least you could do.”

“He’s not-“

“If you won't do it, then I will.”

You stuffed the camera in your bag and let out a long, irritated grunt. “ _Fine_.”

He walked by your side, and you made your way to the bench. The boy didn’t look up at you, or even notice that you were standing by his side. Jason nudged your shoulder.

“Hey kid,” you said.

He looked up.

“You lost your mom?”

The boy nodded, sniffing and wiping his tears.

You cocked your hip to the side. “Next time listen to her and never keep her out of your sight. The information desk is over there, and if you want you can talk to one of the security gua-“

“ _Jesus_ …” Jason set you aside and stepped in to sit beside the little guy. He looked up at him, scared, but Jason gave him a kind smile.

“You alright there, bud?”

The boy licked his lips, rocking his legs in the air. Jason scooted nearer to him. “I like your shirt. You like Batman, huh?”

He nodded slightly, the tears in his eyes coming to a stop.

“Well, I heard he’s not that great. Between you and me, Wonder Woman’s a lot better than he is.”

“Really?”

“By a mile. Plus, she has powers. Can’t get any cooler than that.”

“I guess…”

You sat back, watched him talk to the kid until his nose got a lot less stuffy and his frown turn into a funny little grin when Jason told him a joke.

You smiled, watching Jason’s face scrunch up and his eyes crinkling at the corners.

“Wanna go find your mom?”

“Yes, please.”

He stood up, and he held Jason by the wrist. You stood behind them, watching them. And when Jason took him back to the playground where he said he lost his mother, he kneeled down to the kid’s height.

“You ran a long way, bud. Be careful next time. Do you find her?”

He looked around through the dozens of other women in the area watching their children. Jason stood up, seeing from above. And when he saw a woman frantically looking around from the slides, he held the kid’s shoulder. “That her?”

“Yes! Thank you!!!”

The kid looked so happy, giving Jason a high five before he left to hug his mother. Jason watched him leave, then turned to you.

You felt your heart so warm. Jason had always been good with kids.

A killer. A murderous vigilante. He was definitely that. You could see it.

But you were right when you knew the best parts of him could never be killed off.

“ _That’s_ how you talk to a kid,” he said.

“You know I was never really good with them.”

“Damn straight,” he said, then your started walking back down the way you came. “You go to nurseries and make a whole batch of kids cry for help.”

“It’s a very fun thing to watch. Kid’s cry funny.”

“I thought you said you changed when you kept your promises.”

“Oh, I did. In most ways…”

Jason laughed with you. You haven’t heard him laugh in three years. You watched every second of it until his face eventually mellowed down.

“Where to next?”

“I’m going to need more footage. What else can you find?”

You both looked around. “Let’s go to the pond.”

You walked with him.

A large pond in the middle of the park, and with the sun slowly starting to lessen its shine, the scene looked more like what you’d envision. Thank god, it was a slow day. Otherwise the place would have been packed. The pond was dark, green, and looked a bit stuffy, but there were swans around that floated in the streams.

And on top, reaching from one end to the other, was a narrow bridge painted in a dark, wooden grey. It perched perfectly on top of the water and reflected off of the surface. With the light it was hitting, it was perfect. Jason stood close to you.

“You’re filming just the pond?”

“I’m waiting for someone to stand there and look over at the water all depressed.”

And you waited, for a good few minutes.

But it was either a bunch of kids running across, a couple hand in hand, or old women feeding the swans with bags of bread.

“Jay. Huge favor.”

“No.”

“Just hear me out.”

“Oh, I definitely know where this is going.”

“Just a _few_ seconds.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Cover your head with your hoodie.”

“You go do it. And I’ll film you.”

“We’re not allowed to be in the shots. You have to do it.”

“I hardly believe that’s true.”

“Well, it is, and I can show you the module right now.”

“Don’t bother. I’m not doing it.”

“Please, Jay.”

“Motherfucker-“

“ _Please._ ”

Jason cursed. “That doesn’t work on me.”

“Just stand there and do nothing.”

“I don’t want my face on camera.”

“Your face won't be on it. I’m desperate. Just help me out with this.”

Jason closed his eyes, bit both his lips, and you heard him count to ten with the lowest voice.

“Come on, Jay. So we can go.”

“Fine. But this is the last one.”

You smiled so widely at him and he glared at you. “ _Thanks, Jay._ ”

“Shut up.”

He waited until no one was around, then pulled the hood over his head. He slowly walked over to the bridge, resting his elbows onto the railing and looking right down at the water.

You licked your lips and aimed your camera. You pressed record.

He looked…

Exactly as you thought he was on the inside. On the darkest parts of him where the demons could never leave. His head was craned so down, his eyes hooded and dark. His arms, although relaxed, almost seemed like he was shielding himself from the world going on. He looked scared. Alone.

You continued to record, holding your breath.

It was painful to watch.

But you couldn’t stop looking.

If you could, and if only you’d let him, you’d have pulled him into your arms, hugged him from behind and stuffed your face into his neck.

You swallowed, turning the camera off. And you looked away before your thoughts could consume you.

Jason walked over to you, took his hoodie off, then gave you that annoyed, playful glare.

\-----

You pulled out your phone, balanced it on top of the car’s speakers with the audio plugged in. You made sure it was stable, then you leaned onto your seat. Jason caught you just as you finished, stepping into the car with paper bags of fries and hotdogs on a bun with drinks for your dinner. The sky had long dimmed down, but you insisted not to go home yet. You prepared more than three movies for you to watch and it was all from the comfort of your car seats.

Jason reclined his chair with you and settled in. He gave you your share of the food. “Alright. What do you got?”

“Ever watched Orphan?”

“Back when I was a kid. I can barely remember anything.”

“Well, we’re watching it now.”

“I thought you went through all the serial killer movies you could find.”

“I like to re-watch the best ones.”

Jason sipped on his soda. “Go ahead.”

You started the movie, took a bite out of your hotdog and sat back.

He wasn’t supposed to say yes to this. It was all getting way too intimate for his like. He should’ve insisted you go home and turn the movie off before you got any more ideas. Knowing how you used to be, you manipulated people to get your way. You’d be doing the same thing to him right now.

But.

Still, you insisted. And with you being so pushy and all, he didn’t have much of a choice.

Three days. That’s all there is.

This is the least he can do.

This is the least he can do.

_This is the least he can do._

He looked at you, watched you chew on the fries like a kid with candy, then turned his attention to the movie.

It started with a mom and dad with a strained relationship going out to adopt a little nine-year old girl, who honestly looked too much like a demon spawn out of hell.

“Who the fuck adopts a girl looking like that?”

“Well…” You loudly sipped on your drink.

Jason looked at you.

“I looked like that. At one point.”

“You're kidding.”

“Yeah,” you snorted. “I never told you?”

“I know you looked like Wednesday Adams.”

“I actually dressed a lot like Esther there.” Esther. The name of the nine-year old girl. “I followed her clothes and hair. Even her makeup. I wanted to creep out the adults, you know?”

Jason laughed out loud and took a bite out of his bun. “You're insane.”

“In fact, I think she looks real good.”

“Shh. Let’s watch.”

You bit your lips when it came to the sex scene in the kitchen. And Jason tried to distract himself with the soda and drank as loudly as he could to try to drown out the moans. You looked at him, awkwardly, then laughed.

_“When grown ups love each other very, very much, they want to show each other that love,” the mother told Esther. “They wanna express it.”_

_The nine-year-old looked at her. “I know. They fuck.”_

You and Jason snorted out your drinks and laughed so hard you swore you could taste the fries coming out of your nose. You threw your head back against the seat, drinking from your straw just to stop yourselves from missing too much of the movie.

“Fucking love that part.”

“I know.”

You watched on as Esther started killing pigeons and bullied one of her classmates. You laughed, and Jason looked at you quizzically. “That’s so you.”

“When I was ten.”

“Sure.”

Jason watched you laugh, rolling your eyes at him, and he took a moment for his lingering gaze on you before he looked back.

“That kid’s gonna kill the nun.”

“Dude, don’t spoil it.”

“I thought you watched this!”

“Well, I forgot most of what happened and I want to relive the insanity that is this movie.”

“Alright, fine.” You smiled.

The nun was warning the mother of what happens with the girl around, saying how bad things always followed wherever she went. She ignored the nun, and Esther, with that creepy look on her face, struck the nun’s head with a hammer.

“I know I said hammers used to be my favorite toy-“

“I wasn’t going to say anything.”

“Really? You weren’t about to say I could have killed a nun like that?”

“No. But you certainly did a number on a whole lot of people.”

You glowered at him. “Thanks a lot, Todd.”

“Pleasure’s all mine.”

Esther then brought her mother a bouquet of flowers from their stillborn daughter’s grave, then the mother grabs her arm, after which Esther fakes an injury and blames her for it.

“Okay-“

“Y/N, I swear if this ain’t you-“

“I _know_ I faked an injury once-“

“Yeah, you fucking did.”

“But that girl deserved it.”

“All she did was invite me to her house for a project that _we_ were paired up with and you got so jealous that you purposely bumped into her so her coffee would spill. Then you faked a burn on your hand.”

“I-“

“What? You gonna deny that?”

You groaned and threw a French fry at his face. “Shut up.”

It was wrong. So wrong. But fuck, he hadn’t smiled so much since he fucking died.

“Stop comparing me to this nutjob.”

The nutjob in question, Esther, waited for her mother to get out of the car. Then with the baby still inside, she released the brakes and let the car roll all the way down the hill to incoming traffic.

“ _Jesus Christ._ ”

“I have never done anything like that.” You pointed at yourself.

“If you did, I’d have called the cops on you.”

“I fucking swear on my life.”

“ _Okay_ , don’t get all defensive on me.”

“Oh, be quiet.”

You nudged Jason’s shoulder, then sipped the last of your drink.

Jason looked down, with the movie still ongoing, and saw how your elbow was just barely grazing against his own. He looked at your arm, trailing up to your face.

Then looked away before he had any more thoughts. Possibly of him pulling you to his arms and cuddle like you used to.

Ester then puts on a provocative looking dress, makeup, and acts like an adult woman trying to seduce her drunk father. It was disturbing to say the least. And you’ve seen the scariest shit in movies.

“This part made me the most uncomfortable,” Jason said.

“Are you sure? Not this part?”

Then, it was the scene you re-watched over and over. Esther storms into her room and takes off all the makeup that covered her age spots, her teeth, the scars on her wrists and neck, the bandage around her chest.

“A thirty-three-year old woman…”

“Fucking hell,” Jason breathed. “I can barely wrap my head around that.”

“Hey. Imagine if that kid you helped today was actually older than you.”

“ _Shut up_.”

You laughed. “I’m serious. We don’t know. _Any_ of these kids could be Esther.”

“I actually once read a news report.”

“This shit happened in real life?”

“Yeah.” Jason pulled out his phone then started searching for the article. “Here.”

A twenty-two year old woman from Ukraine with a rare case of dwarfism posed as a six-year old girl to her adopted family. It was almost exactly like the movie.

“Dammit, it’s actually real?” you asked.

“Yeah. And she goes by the name of Y/N.”

“ _Fuck you_ , you imbecile.”

“You did half the shit she did,” Jason laughed. You threw another French fry at him.

“I don’t act nor look like a little kid.”

“We don’t know. You could be forty.”

“I will stick this straw up your nose.”

“Fucking do it.”

You charged at him, laughing so hard when Jason blocked your arms, holding you by the wrists as you struggled to get off his hold. You dropped the empty cup on his lap, and you didn’t even realize the movie ended. Jason held your arms down, looked at you. “You can stop now.”

Your laugh turned into a small grin as you met his eyes. He was smiling back at you.

Then he let go of your hands, taking the cup off his pants and cleared his throat. You did the same, taking your phone from the stand and turning it off before the battery runs out.

“It’s getting late.”

He watched your face turn downcast. He was getting closer for all this to end. But you definitely weren’t looking forward to it.

“Hey. Look.”

He pointed out the window, where a girl was sitting by a tree, perfectly under the lamppost where she was lit up with just the right amount of light. She had her head down, arms crossed, and she looked alone.

“Fucking hell, this is gold.”

You both rushed out of the car, you holding onto your camera. You stormed out into the dark.

“Take it from there.” Jason pointed. You followed him and he stood next to you. You started filming.

The girl didn’t do much. She was just under the tree, staring at nothing. She was probably asleep waiting for someone to arrive. And there wasn’t anyone around except you two so it was perfect to get that shot. Jason looked at you, watched you work.

You put the camera to your eye, adjusting the lens at you worked. You had that small bite in your lips you often did when you were focused, and your eyebrows were furrowed.

A leaf fell to your head. He smiled.

He flicked it off with his finger and you looked up. “What?”

“Nothing.”

You went on with your work, and when the girl started to move away, you stopped recording and watched the footage. “What do you think?”

He took the camera in your hand.

You got a shot of her arms holding herself in a tight hug, her head down and her mouth, which was the only part of her face you captured, in a deep, sad frown. The light looked perfect, and you definitely had a talent with camera angles.

“This is really good.”

“Thanks.” You took the camera back and stuffed it into your bag.

“You think you got enough for your music video?”

“I certainly hope so. I’ve been filming since last week.”

“Is your song really that depressing?” he asked.

“Yeah, it is.”

You started walking back to the car.

Jason watched your face again. And asking without much thought on it, he coughed. “Can I hear it?”

You stopped from opening the car door.

“The song?”

“Yeah. Whatever you got in your phone. I wanna hear it.”

You started looking uncomfortable, looking at the ground and licking your lips. “I’m not sure if I should…”

“Come on.”

You took a deep breath, leaning your back against the car. Jason walked to the other side and stood next to you.

“Fine. But don’t tell me what you think of it.”

“Why not?”

“Just don’t.”

Jason laughed and stood in front of you. You looked up at him, at his eyes, at his lips, then you pulled your phone and earphones out.

He watched you scroll through your music, plug in your earphones, then you gave one to him. Jason placed it onto his ear, and the other one you stuck to yours. He looked at you.

You pressed play.

It started with piano keys, most probably played by you. You didn’t just record this with your phone. You basically did this in your own home studio you probably had in your room.

And it was beautiful. Your playing. Then you started to sing.

_._

_“I wake up… to a dream I thought I had…_

_A dream I thought should have been_

_Stuck in the nights, when I was sad._

_Like I have been for so long…_

_The dreams in fact were real._

_The worst of them…_

_And there’s nothing I can do…_

_Why did you have to take away_

_The only thing that made my life_

_So real._

_So real…_

_Why did this have to happen,_

_What could I have done,_

_To change._

_And have you back…_

_For all that’s worth,_

_You changed me for the better._

_But you're not here to see me…_

_Why… why… why…”_

_._

He swore the air never felt so thick. You were shaking, pushing your eyes to shut so close together.

And he stared at you, listening to every word, standing so close to feel your breath.

.

_“Now I’m all alone and_

_I can't try to hide_

_That I will always love you_

_No matter how far you’ve gone…._

_No matter how long you’ve been gone…_

_Why did you have to go away_

_When you're the only thing that made my life_

_So real_

_So real…_

_Why did this have to happen,_

_What could I have done,_

_To change_

_How things turned out._

_How I could still have you_

_In my arms…_

_Then maybe the dreams at night._

_Would make it through the day._

_And I’ll have you back…_

_And I’ll have you here…_

.

You continued with the piano chords, playing so majestically that he had to breathe in just to get this all through to his head. The song got to the end.

By then, you were shaking.

You didn’t move, and neither did he. Still with the earphones’ wire closing your distance, Jason remembered the words, every part of it. And how your voice was so beautiful, yet so sad to listen to when you were singing with all your heart.

You stuck your attention at the grass beneath your feet, and Jason kept his stare at you.

“When did you write this _?”_

You still kept your head down, and you started to pull the wires to wrap it around your phone. Jason didn’t move. He still stood so close to you.

“Y/N…”

“Two years ago…” you whispered.

Two years ago. That would have been a year after…

Jason breathed in through his nose. Deep, shaky breaths, then exhaled through his mouth. You swallowed.

“Did you write it for…”

You were rocking your leg just to ease your muscles.

“Y _/N, was that about me_?”

You looked up around you, at the grass behind him, at the trees, the lamppost, the skies. You bit your lips. You didn’t answer.

But when you finally caught his eye, you seemed to get closer. Nearer. Your breaths were hotter and he desperately wanted to close that distance.

Of course it was for him. Who else could it have possibly been for?

His heart sank, much like it was melting into a pot. He hurt you. He hurt you _that_ much. And he couldn’t believe it but you managed to turn that hurt into something so amazing that you took every bit of his breath away.

And your fucking voice. It still kills him to this day.

“Uhm,” you gulped. “You can take me home now.”

Jason stood back and let you open the door so you could get in.

\-----

You waited for him to stop ruffling his hair and get in the car.

You shouldn’t have done that. The whole point of you writing that song was about how fucking devasted you were after you lost him. He was the last person who should have heard it.

Jason got into the driver’s seat and started the engine.

“For what it’s worth, it’s amazing.”

You looked at him, let yourself smile, then looked out the window.

The car ride was horribly silent. And Jason would have put on some music if he had any in his new phone. But you were comfortable. It wasn’t awkward.

But it was still horribly, horribly silent.

You closed your eyes and let the window stick to the side of your head.

Jason was here, and you couldn’t pull him into your arms the way you wanted to.

You couldn’t kiss him, take him to the back seat and mess around like you always used to.

You couldn’t do so much as look at him long enough that you could perfectly take in every single detail on his face.

He was here, but the things you wanted to do, you couldn’t. And it felt too much like only getting to watch him from afar, bask in his presence without actually getting to hold him the way you’ve always wanted to for years when you never otherwise could have.

You asked for these few days with him hoping to actually _have_ him, make the most of it.

But you also understood. How that was only going to make matters so much worse.

You looked at him through the reflection on your window.

You were never going to find anyone so ridiculously handsome and still capture your heart the way he did. You were still, in ways you’d cringe if you had to describe, hopelessly in love with him. In every possible way. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with this man and make babies and grow old together. You wanted it so bad, since even the first few months you dated. You just couldn’t find that with anyone else. Not even if you tried. Jason had been the only person you could ever imagine a future with. A future you desperately wanted.

And you didn’t want that to change. That part of you that refused to move on, it insisted that you continue to love him, never to let anyone else have a shot with you even when you most probably had to. A year, two years, three years passed. Still, you loved him just as much as when he was alive.

He will, and always will be, yours to the end of your days.

At least, until he told you not to.

It tore your heart apart when he died.

But even when he was here. Alive. You still couldn’t have him.

In just two days, you were going to let him go. For good. And you didn’t know what hurt more. When he left and you couldn’t have him anymore for what you thought was the rest of your life, or now that he was here, and yet you were going to have to live without him and go on your days pretending he never existed.

Yeah. It was going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.

But… if it was what he wanted. If he just couldn’t stand being with you for another moment for reasons he decided for himself, for what was supposed to be your life, you couldn’t really do much to help with that.

So as all things you had to accept in this shitty story of yours that somehow had a continuation you thought wasn’t supposed to be, you let it happen.

You had two more days with him. You have to make it count.

Jason pulled up in your parking space and got out of the car with you. You turned to him, and he smiled at you as you walked down the sidewalk.

“I had fun.”

He nodded. “Me, too.”

“Same time tomorrow?”

“Sure,” he said. “You wanna go somewhere?”

“What if I let you choose? Would I like where we’d head to?”

Jason stopped just as you reached the steps. You took one step up just to level with his height.

“I do have a place in mind.”

“Where?”

Jason grinned. It drove you crazy. You watched every bit of his face.

“You’ll find out tomorrow.”

“Todd,” you breathed. “Tell me.”

“You trust me?”

You never smiled so brightly. “Fine…”

“It’s a far drive. So, I’ll pick you up at 9 am.”

“I can't wait.”

Jason looked down. “Might as well make the most of it.”

You let yourself look into his eyes. Get lost in the blue like you always did. Somehow, he didn’t look away. Instead, he stared back at you with the same exact smile on his face.

“Good night, Jay.”

“Good night.”

You took steps back, then turned around to unlock the door.

You really, really didn’t want this to end. Jason didn’t move away and he continued to watch you before you managed to open the door.

“And Y/N…”

You peered out from inside.

“Thank you…” he said.

You gave him a wide-open smile, then ultimately closed the door.

\-----

“Good thing we stopped for gasoline.”

Your chair was pushed almost all the way to the back of the car. You put your feet up so your body was completely flat. “Where are you taking me?”

“You’re just gonna have to wait and see.”

The wide, open country road. Where the ends seemed infinite and the horizon looked endless. The grass was brighter, thicker, and everything the city didn’t have from the park you went to yesterday. There was almost nothing around them except for a few diners and houses far off into the land. Probably farms.

It was all so calming, soft and serene. He needed this just as much. Time away from his line of work. Even when he was barely getting started he couldn’t help admit that it was all so exhausting.

He momentarily turned to you, falling asleep with your hand covering your eyes.

“Ey,” he nudged your knee. “Don’t go falling asleep on me.”

You blinked your eyes, then you shot the seat back up from the recline. “I wasn’t asleep.”

“Yeah you were.”

“I didn’t get to sleep much last night.”

“Why not?”

“Well.” He heard you choke. “I drank coffee.”

“Again with the coffee.”

“Whatever. Let’s put on some music. From the looks of it, we have a long way to go.”

“We do.”

You eyed him as you took out your phone and plugged it onto the car’s speaker. “In the mood for some Beatles?”

“Y/N…”

“What?”

Jason sighed, looking back out onto the road. You continued to play the music despite him obviously not wanting your choice.

.

_“Let me take you down_

_'Cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields_

_Nothing is real_

_And nothing to get hung about_

_Strawberry Fields forever.”_

_._

“Y/N, can you pick another song?”

“Why? We used to play these all the time.”

“Exactly. Turn it off.”

You scoffed at him when he deliberately turned the volume way down. Then your spoiled ass turned it all the way back up.

Jason looked away, glaring at the window.

He knew exactly what you were trying to do. Spark back all those memories, let him realize just how much he missed all those times with you in the hopes of him changing his mind about all this. You wanted him to relive those memories and make him miss you even more after all this was over. Of course. he was going to miss you. there isn’t a doubt behind that.

But he knew how manipulative you can be. You did that a lot. Get things to go your way when you didn’t want it to. And what was he supposed to do now? Demand that you turn off the music? Make you all sad when he was taking you somewhere supposed to make you happy?

Fight?

He snorted at the idea. No. Not again. You weren’t going to fucking fight like a couple. You were just friends. And it was supposed to stay that way.

The song had changed.

.

“ _Well, she looked at me_

_And I, I could see_

_That before too long_

_I'd fall in love with her_

_She wouldn't dance with another_

_Ooh, when I saw her standing there!”_

_._

You were singing, moving your body to the beat. He rolled his eyes when you hit his shoulder. “Jay, I’m not gonna sing the whole thing by myself.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Why are you so stubborn?”

“I’m not playing this game.”

“ _Fucking hell_ , just enjoy the moment will you? I get it. You don’t want to be attached.”

Exactly as he thought. You knew exactly what you were doing.

.

_“Oh, we danced through the night_

_And we held each other tight_

_And before too long_

_I fell in love with her”_

_._

You rocked your body left and right.

He caught you in a glance. You were beautiful. You closed your eyes, singing, and you just sounded so good, it made his chest feel all warm.

You just kept going, occasionally tapping his shoulder to catch his attention. “I’m fucking driving.”

“You can sing and drive.”

He shook his head. “I’m not gonna do that.”

.

“ _Yesterday_

_All my troubles seemed so far away_

_Now it looks as though they're here to stay_

_Oh, I believe in yesterday…”_

_._

Oh. Your voice. It suited this song like a fucking puzzle. He knew he really shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help but watch you as you closed your eyes and started to sing.

.

_“Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be._

_There's a shadow hanging over me._

_Oh, yesterday came suddenly.”_

.

Despite all the voices within him telling him to stop, he really couldn’t. He was smiling at you and dangerously kept his attention away from the road.

 _Shit._ He looked back out and curved from the road just as he was about to hit a dog. Jason cursed.

_._

_“Why she had to go?_

_I don't know, she wouldn't say._

_I said something wrong._

_Now I long for yesterday.”_

_._

Even with his eyes on the road, he still made sure to watch you, listen.

Fuck, you just make him bend to your every whim. He hated it.

And somehow,

He wanted to.

Making you happy just feels like the best thing he could possibly do.

And just a few days ago, he murdered a whole port of Black Mask’s men, left all the bodies floating in the water without so much as looking back. That, compared to where he was now, driving in the wide open road with you singing your fucking heart out so beautifully, he was sure to choke himself someday.

He only had two days with you. He didn’t want to make this as painful as it possibly could. The last thing he’d want to do is make everything so much worse than it already was, possibly break your heart all over again as if it wasn’t already so broken beforehand. He wanted this over with, done with, then he can finally let you go and you’ll never have to put up with his cold-blooded ass ever again.

.

_“Yesterday love was such an easy game to play._

_Now I need a place to hide away._

_Oh, I believe in yesterday._

_Why she had to go?_

_I don't know, she wouldn't say._

_I said something wrong._

_Now I long for yesterday.”_

.

His grin was just becoming idiotic as this point.

Okay. He had two days.

He owed you that.

He owed you just a bit more happiness with him.

He owed you the closure you didn’t have. And mostly owed you your whole life. He practically ruined it.

And to him. Despite him hating every bit of his guts, what was so wrong in letting himself indulge in just a bit more happiness?

He needed this, too. With you.

No matter how much he could try to suppress it, or hide it from himself. You were still the light of his life. You still made him happier more than anything else there was. You were still the reason he wakes up every day, even when he didn’t even get to see you. You will always be the reason for his genuine smiles.

So what was wrong with making the most of the next two days?

He’ll enjoy this time. For you. for him.

_It’s the least he can do._

So he breathed in, and started singing along with you.

.

_“Yesterday love was such an easy game to play._

_Now I need a place to hide away._

_Oh, I believe in yesterday._

_Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.”_

.

You smiled so much, your cheekbones lighting up. Your eyes had that sparkle and the tingles in him grew so much worse.

“Happy?”

“Ecstatic.”

You changed the song, and with your voices blending incredibly well with each other, Jason pulled down the car door.

Everyone should hear how good you are.

Everyone should see how beautiful you are.

About two hours passed. And you stopped by a diner on the way to get some food. You laughed while you ate. Jason couldn’t help his stares on you while you ate all the fries on your plate. You both watched the bad-quality TV up on the wall about some football game you didn’t really care much about.

His smiles never actually died down. Not for a minute.

Then you were back on the road for another thirty minutes.

You were facing out the window, and he took glances on the reflection all the way until he reached the destination. You were in the middle of nowhere. He parked the car by the side of the road, and you both got out.

_“Where are we, Todd?”_

“Just wait. Come on.”

There was a walkway covered in seeping grass. You wouldn’t have been able to notice if he didn’t already know what was beyond the trees. You went with him, stood close to his body.

It wasn’t too far a walk.

But what seemed to have just been a lone building covered in leaves and vines now came to a much clearer view. And he made sure to catch the look on your face when you finally made out what you thought to have been just trees were actually the steel bars of a Ferris Wheel, a tall loop of a broken roller coaster, and swings suspended from a tall poll.

“Todd, you did _not_.”

You got to the entrance, which had a clown’s face for the archway and its open mouth serving as a gate.

**_DAME BELL’S WORLD STATE CARNIVAL_ **


	19. Dame Bell's

“ _Jason…”_

“I knew you’d like it.”

That was an understatement. Your breath had been long gone. “This is _Dame Bell’s_.”

“I know. Biggest in the state.”

Dame Bell’s Carnival. It was renowned in the East Coast as one of the most visited, dating almost thirty years ago. It basically disappeared from the map after a horrific roller coaster incident that left eight dead. You’d have expected it to be covered almost completely in graffiti by now, but people would have broken in here ages ago. Not everyone knew where it was, since it was so far off town and only so many have heard of it at this age. It was barely even on the internet.

Not only was it extremely popular back in the day, but it was also said to be one of the most haunted abandoned carnivals there were.

You stared up at the clown’s head that served as the carnival’s entrance. There were turnstiles in front, but they were completely rotted off and barely held up at all. It was covered in weeds and vines, and it reeked like bitter iron. You loved it.

You saw Jason stare too long at the clown.

No. not today. You’ll make him forget about everything. You took his wrist.

“Come on.”

You walked into the entrance. Just from where you stood, you could see almost everything in store for you. For a park so well known, it held up so nicely and beautifully, like this part of the world ended by itself in its own little apocalypse. You had no idea where to start. There was a roller coaster, a Ferris wheel, a carousel, a wave swinger, carnival game booths, and even fucking bumper cars. Everything had that gorgeous antique look with brown rusted metal and faded pastel colors of red and white. A lot of the parts had fallen off, like the metal slabs that held up the carousel and the horses that littered the floor, but you’d take this any day than any working carnival there was.

“Jay, here.”

A small booth that stood near the entrance. Probably to sell merchandise. There were only so many of the gifts left on the stand, and they reeked. You picked up a dust-covered cap from one of the hooks. It had the name right on top. “Wear this.”

“You want me to have a head itch for the next fifty years?”

You felt something crawl up on your arm. Immediately you placed it back. “Shit.”

Jason picked a little travel mug made of tin sitting on the surface. “Man, these things are old.”

“You know when this was abandoned?”

“Maybe ten? Fifteen years ago? But this was built in the sixties. Can't imagine how people hadn’t completely destroyed it by now.”

And it wasn’t. It was magical. Better than Disneyland.

You walked down the main street and reveled at the sight all around you. You walked back, looking up at the taller rides that were so close to just suddenly collapsing. All you needed was a bag of popcorn and some cotton candy and you’d basically be in your own personal heaven. Your eyes landed on Jason, multiple times, and you never failed to miss his smiles and laughter.

“Carousel.”

You went over to the first ride and shimmied through the metal fence around it, making sure not to touch anything before you’ll have to come home with a tetanus infection. The horses were still intact, and they aged wonderfully with their color subsiding only so much. The metal parts of their décor had rusted, and above it was a roof painted in swirls and stripes, red and yellow before they had turned to a less appealing brown. There were also lights around that would’ve looked beautiful if lit up, scattered about the ceiling, the column in the middle, and the tent-shaped roof. You placed your hand on the metal bar that held up one of the horses.

“Ride one of them and I owe you dinner tonight,” you told him. Jason snickered and patted the horse’s saddle.

“I’d be surprised if these things don’t hallow out after three seconds.”

“It can't be that bad. I’ll do it.”

Jason narrowed his bushy eyebrows. “Are you fucking sure?”

“Yes.”

You tapped his arm as a bit of a ‘ _watch this_ ’ sort of gesture. Good thing you were wearing jeans now, as well as a long sleeved top. You grabbed the metal rod and pulled yourself up, swinging your leg over a horse’s red saddle. You settled yourself in and felt around for any type of breakage. “See? Nothing.”

Jason’s slight smirk he often fought off with a frown showed through, and you kept your eyes on him. He went closer to you, grabbing the horse by the snout as if it were real. “I’m leaving you here if this whole thing falls off.”

“It won't.”

He looked up at the ceiling, which held onto the metal plates barely keeping up. “Get down from there, Y/N.”

“No.”

“Come on.”

“I don’t want to.”

You leaned into the horse’s solid mane and swung your legs around.

And Jason, smiling at you, leaned into its head as well to get closer to you.

“You’ll have to pull me out of this.”

Disapprovingly, he looked elsewhere, but still kept himself close. “No.”

“Then I’m not leaving.”

“There’s other rides to check out. Come on.”

You held firmly onto the bar, smiled menacingly at him even when he was sighing with his eyes rolled and his hands stuffed to his pockets. Then he looked at you, met your devilish looking eyes, and clenched his jaw.

His hands grabbed onto your waist so tightly when he pulled you off the horse. They were firm, yet still gentle. And you held onto his shoulders even after he settled you down.

You took in the sight of him before he’d eventually pull away. And for a short, far too short second, he didn’t, and he just looked at you with his hands on your hips.

You flicked his chest. “Come on, asshole.”

\-----

“These won't turn on.”

“Yeah, but we can ride them still.”

“What’s so good about bumper cars that won't even turn on?”

You settled yourself into a small, purple bumper car that had a number five on it. An antenna was standing right behind you and the seat tightened around your ass. It was made for kids. And you had to brush off a few leaves off the seat before you even touched it. Jason had his foot on top of the pod, and just with the slightest bit of movement, the car started to move.

“Get your own car.”

“You know what, I’d rather do this.”

The ring wasn’t that big, and there were only four other cars around you left on the field, so you had plenty of room to drive. Jason went behind you, grabbed onto the back of your seat, and started to push.

“ _This_ is more like it.”

Your laughter could be heard from the top of the Ferris wheel, probably. You moved around so easily with his strength, turning the wheel so you could go in all directions. You looked up at Jason, and suddenly you saw the seventeen year old pushing you in an old library cart.

Jason quirked his eyebrow up at you and kept going.

“Hold on tight.”

“Todd, whatever the fuck you're thinking, I don’t-AHHH!”

Your high pitched screams were the next to be heard. He pushed the bumper car all the way from one end of the ring with such strength that it propelled you to a wall. You heard his laughter, then your head bounced on impact and you clutched your chest. “ _Fuck_.”

You stood up, glaring at him like a growling cheetah. “You are gonna pay for that.”

Jason backed away to the gate. “Come on, you hothead.”

Snarling, you raced to catch up to him. “I wanna go on that wave swinger.”

“Lead the way.”

\-----

Your eyes just lit up at the hundreds of wires suspended from a large, circular UFO like structure that was held up by a large thick column. Jason could practically hear the ghosts of children speaking into your ear, and you didn’t look any less than loving every second of it. He went in through the gate with you, marveled at the magnificent sight. You went over to the swings and touched one of the wires.

“If you sit on any one of them, I’m not saving your ass from the ground anymore.”

“I won't. Because you will.”

“What makes you think I’ll get on _that_? I’d barely fit.”

You looked around. “There. That one sits two. And it’s wide enough to fit us both.”

“You're kidding me.”

“No. I’m not. Now get in.”

You went to the swing and sat at the farthest left to make room for him, even when he was clearly big enough to fill the whole seat by himself. You opened the latch and started pushing yourself back and forth. “Come on. Sit with me.”

Your smile. Your eyes when you did that. He wanted to rip that smile off of you before he’ll give into you so much that he’ll lost basically everything he promised to keep.

But he really, really wanted to sit with you on that swing, talk about everything for hours and let your head fall to his shoulder.

This was going to be the last thing you’ll remember out of him.

And he wanted you to remember him well.

Sighing, Jason went over to you, pinched your chin so lightly yet hard enough to make you flinch away. “Get your own seat.”

He saw your eyes glimmer. You stood up, opened the latch for him, then settled himself onto the seat made for two. His ass fit more than enough, but it was his body that almost fit the entirety of the swing. You took the one by his side and pushed your feet onto the ground so you’d rock back and forth. “Man, I wish this thing still worked.”

“We could go to an actual carnival, you know.” Jason kept his swing steady, but watched you the whole time.

“Nah. I like this one a whole lot better.”

He watched you with your hair flying to your back, and he saw you in that dark, secluded playground where he first kissed you. Jason looked away.

It was already past noon. And the sun, creeping out from just under the wave swinger’s top, looked down at the both of you like it was taking a peek of what went on.

“Y/N…”

“Hmm?”

He gulped.

“Did you really not have anyone else the whole three years I was gone?”

You lost your smile in an instant. He shouldn’t have asked. You looked down at your lap and stopped the swing from moving so much.

“No. I didn’t even talk to anyone. I didn’t want to.”

A part of him, the selfish part of him, that only ever wanted you for himself, reveled in the thought that he didn’t have to imagine you with another. That you were definitely, ultimately still _his_. But it was that part of him he wanted to bury deep along with all the other memories from before he died.

The other parts he didn’t like, and hated just as much, wanted to punch himself for ever subjecting you into that kind of pain and loneliness in the first place. “Did you?” you asked.

He looked up.

“What?”

“The last few months. Were you with anyone else?”

There wasn’t a doubt. As much as he didn’t want you to think about it too much, you deserved to know how much you still had his heart.

“No…”

You both looked down at your hands, keeping the silence. He wanted to hold you and keep you from thinking too much about it.

_Thud._

A loud, painful crash of the rotting metal hitting the cement ground. Both your swings’ wires gave out, and he heard you shriek in pain while he hissed at the sudden impact right on his ass. _“MOTHER FUCKER._ ”

“ _JESUS CHRIST, THAT HURT.”_

_“WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT IT BREAKING???”_

_“OH, DON’T GIVE ME THAT._ ”

You opened the latch and pulled yourself up, your hand soothing your butt and groaning in deep pain. “Fuck, my ass has a concussion.”

He broke the latch before it was even unlocked. Throwing the metal rod, he held onto your hand and you helped pull him up to stand. He rubbed his bitt. “Fuck, I must have broken my ass bone.”

“ _Your ass bone?_ ”

Jason dusted off his pants. “I told you not to sit on anything suspended.”

_“I told you not to sit on anything suspended._ ” You mocked his voice.

“Real mature.”

You playfully hit his shoulder. “Brush it off. Come on.”

He kept rubbing his ass the whole way out the ride.

\-----

“If you lose on this, you wouldn’t be able to rise from the shame.”

“You're all talk, Y/LN. Why don’t you show me what _you_ got?”

The first carnival booth game you went to was the one with all the bottles you had to shoot from a reasonable distance away. There was a pellet gun and some conveniently placed bullets right beside it. The bottles on display were broken, but you saw three others stashed underneath. You crawled over the booth, went over to pick up the bottles, then you started placing them on the shelves. It was covered in graffiti inside and the whole place was a wreck, but as long as you could have the bottles, standing, you were good to go.

Jason got the pellet gun loaded before you were done placing the bottles.

“I have an idea,” you said. “Since you're just so good at this, stand all the way over there.”

“You insult me.”

You snarled at him, and he gave you that cocky smirk when he walked all the way to the other side of the booths, yards away from the targets. You got out, raced to the side, and gave him a thumbs up.

Jason didn’t even have to look twice. He shot two bullets, and with each one, it was followed by breaking glass.

You rushed back to the booth. He only hit two of them. “Nice. How bout the other one?”

Jason walked back over to you, took your hand, then placed the gun on your hand. “You’re gonna shoot it.”

“Me?” you snorted.

“Yes. Time I teach you how to aim.”

“I know how to aim, you fucker.”

“Not with a gun.”

“How’s that any different from darts?”

He rolled his eyes and stood aside. You felt the gun in your hands, weighed it with your fingers, then you held it up and pointed it at the bottle.

“You’re holding it wrong.”

“Well, I’m sorry if I’ve never held a gun before in my life.”

He started picking your fingers and placed them on the right spaces on the handle. “There. Then aim.”

You held it up, looked through the tiny scope on top.

“Fire.”

You pulled on the trigger, but you couldn’t hear the sound of glass breaking after it. The pellet went straight through the tent.

“Dammit.”

“Here.”

You instantly smiled when Jason went behind you, gently held where your hands were holding onto the gun and leaned in so close that you could feel his breath in your ear. You could feel his chest against your back. and even when you were definitely surprised, you kept your mouth shut and enjoyed every moment of it.

You turned your head slightly to the right, and your lips were so close to touching. “Like this?”

“Keep your eyes ahead,” he whispered to you.

You felt his eyelash tickle your cheek, his back press closer, then you slowly looked forward. _Bang._

The bottle broke on impact.

“See?” Jason let go of you too soon, but his voice was still that low, sexy husk. You placed the gun on the table and turned to him.

“Wanna see if you can beat me at ring toss, asshole?”

“You wouldn’t be able to land a single one, I guarantee it.”

You went to the next booth, with the rings you threw to hit the bottle’s heads. You landed three, and Jason landed all five. It wasn’t with his help this time, and you constantly threw the rings at him when he gave you that annoying little laugh. Then you went to the next one, with darts on what used to be balloons and was just a plain wooden board against the wall, then another with the spinning wheel.

You haven’t had so much fun since… well, since him.

\-----

“Okay. There’s no way we can even get anywhere _near_ that thing.”

The roller coaster, for small time carnival, looked enormous. And its entire foundation and main support structures were all made of old, rickety pieces of wood nailed together just to keep up the roller coaster’s deep plunge right at the start of the ride, the high rise that came after it. And most of all, the loop. The wood had already broken in just below that high rise, forming a large hole big enough for three people to stand on top of another. And if they were to get anywhere near that place, they’ll be crushed.

Still, you went to the safest place you could. At the bottom most part of the ride where people got in and out of the car. Jason went with you and sat at the very front by your side.

“We used to love roller coasters.”

“I know.” Jason smirked at the memory. “Remember that one we rode three times?”

“I do. That was amazing.”

Your smile was so beautiful. He didn’t move away even with you being so close to him now. And he let his gaze linger on every detail on your face. It didn’t matter that you caught him. You were the first to look away, looking forward at the long walkway made of hard wood.

You leaned back, kept your silence. And he allowed himself to enjoy that silence when he settled in as well.

“I know you don’t want us to get too close and all…” you said.

He shifted in his seat. “I just-“

“I know. I know,” you let out a deep, long sigh. “But… I don’t…”

Jason leaned forward and let his arms rest on the handrail. You looked away, at the whole structure of the ride.

“We can be a bit closer... If you want.”

You looked at him. “Do you want to?”

Knowing you’ll need the comfort, and what you wanted deeply with you outrightly telling him, he licked his lips and smiled. “Yeah…”

And the way you looked into his eyes, when you felt that glimmer of hope he once never wanted to instill on you. Just when he thought he should never had gone soft for you the first time, he leaned closer.

He stared at your face when you leaned in and placed your head comfortably on his shoulder.

He breathed, closed his eyes.

You were just how he remembered.

And as much as it ached him, at how your face was looking, staring into nothing as you buried yourself deep into his neck, he turned his head and rest his nose on your hair.

Another step. He wrapped an arm around you and pulled you even closer.

You didn’t say anything, even when he placed his lips so subtly at the top of your hair or even when he inhaled your scent like he so often does.

\----

“Alright, stop sucking your own dick.”

“You’re just annoyed ‘cuz you know there’s no way you can beat me at this.”

“I unlock doors with just my foot, jackass.”

“Try kicking your way out of this one.”

The Hi Striker. The one where men overflowing with testosterone would challenge their testosterone filled friends to a test of strength. The hammer was just by the large bell you were supposed to hit. And it was heavy to just lug around.

“You sure you don’t wanna try it?” Jason said.

You cocked your hip and just stared at him. “I’m not getting my hands dirty with that thing.”

“Fine. I’ll do it. Don’t get too turned on.” He winked.

“ _Oh_ , shut up.”

Jason grabbed the sledge hammer with far too much ease and you rolled your eyes. The meter that shot up to the sky in front of you was filled to the brim with dirt and rot. But you could see the different measures written on it. The bottom most one called you _‘TOO WEAK!’_ and the top most one screamed _‘WOWZA!’_

Jason brought the hammer behind his shoulder, assessing the bell with his other hand.

“Just hit it already,” you groaned. Jason shot you a dirty look and held the hammer with both arms, holding it all the way over his back.

You could see his shirt rise from just before he swung it over him.

The man must have had a fucking eight pack.

_Fuck._

The bell practically broke on impact and the hammer was smashed into two separate pieces. You saw the meter shoot up, all the way to the highest measure. The bells started to ring continuously until it eventually broke down and died.

“See?”

“Shut up.”

You hid your face from him before he could take notice of just how flustered you were at the sight of him. Jason ruffled your hair, then you pushed him away laughing.

\----

A small, kiddie roller coaster that went around in a tiny little circle. There was barely anything other than a small hill that it went over. The small yellow car that could only fit one of you in it was sitting near the entry way. And it looked clean enough to sit on. You raced to it and took a seat before Jason could get to you.

“This is the least dangerous ride we’ve come across.”

“I’d be surprised if it wasn’t.”

Your knees were up so high from the compact space on it. It could only have seated one or two kids from the look of it. You then placed your legs on top, just to give you some air. “You know,” Jason said, walking over to the controls. “What if it still works?”

“It can't possibly have the electricity.”

“Well, there’s the generator.” He pointed to the far side where all the wires let to. “It could still work.”

“You sure it won't blow up?”

“We’ll see.”

He stood at the control panel and started fiddling with all the buttons and levers.

You just sat back, looked up at the sky. He loved watching you when you were in that trance, when you just grew silent and looked around you forgetting there was anyone around you at all. He watched you close your eyes, then he went back to the controls.

Jason almost leapt. “I think I found it.”

“Found wha-“

The generator. It started running. The lights around the small coaster also turned on, some you hadn’t noticed. Fairy lights being held up by four poles at each of the corners, crossing over the other to form some sort of web. You felt the little car start to vibrate. You were both marveling at just how magical it all looked. The engine was noisy as fuck, but the fact that it was running at all, even after so many years, it was nothing short of amazing.

“You ready?”

“Oh, I’m ready.”

Jason pulled on the lever, then the coaster started moving.

Barely. It was so slow it was laughable.

And you did laugh. So hard you had to keep balancing yourself up right as the car continued to move in a circle.

“You’re doing great!”

You flipped him off with both hands, then Jason clutched his stomach at the look on your face when the coaster went over the tiny hill. You held your hands up, feeling the air go through you. You closed your eyes, demanded another round, then you sat back and waved your arms around, pretending to scream when at the hill. Jason felt his cheeks hurt at just how much he was smiling.

Dear God, you were beautiful.

\----

The fucking Tunnel of Love.

The murky water looked absolutely disgusting. And if you even touched it you’ll be sure to barf out your whole stomach. You and Jason never went to one when you were together. You both thought it was stupid.

But an _abandoned_ tunnel of love? You were intrigued.

“Are you absolutely sure you want to go in?”

“I don’t want to go in, but I wanna know what’s inside.”

You tipped the boat over with your shoe. “There’s no other way than the boats. And we’ll have to paddle out way through.”

Jason looked around, found a broken pillar standing right by the waters. And with his bare hands, he tore apart a large wooden beam. Enough to hit the bottom of the water.

“Come on. Don’t wuss out.”

“I’m not fucking wussing out,” you scoffed.

“Then get in.”

You tapped your foot on the boat again. There was water on the seat, and you groaned at the though of it touching your ass. You stepped in, balanced yourself on top feeling the boat start to rock about.

Then when you settled in, moving your ass away from the wet spot as much as you could, Jason went inside with his makeshift paddle.

“Onward.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

And the boat went forward. You held onto the sides, choking a laugh when his paddling actually managed to work. The tunnel had a heart shape painted onto the entrance, and you shifted uncomfortably when you noticed him looking away from you.

You should have thought this through. There was nothing. And absolutely _nothing_ inside that you could see.

“Bright idea, Jason.”

“We’ve never been to one. How was I supposed to know it was dark?”

“It’s fucking called the _Tunnel of Love_ , you ass.”

Jason purposely hit you with his elbow, and you nudged him back, almost tipping over the boat. You leaned forward, chin on your hand, as Jason continued to paddle through.

“You’re not gonna help?”

“I thought you were the _strong_ one, Todd. And where am I supposed to get another paddle?”

You heard him grunt at you. You couldn’t see _anything_ that went on around you at all. Not even a single light was on. There must have been a few attractions you would have seen inside, but they were all turned off.

Your back shot up when you thought you saw a figure of a person standing nearby.

“Jay-“

“Animatronics. That’s what I _wanted_ to see.”

“Are you sure?”

“Are you actually fucking scared?”

“I don’t get scared.”

“I can feel you shaking.”

“You get scared way more than I do.”

You heard him chuckle, so you felt around until you could feel his chin so you could pinch it. “Driving here!”

“Whatever.”

You leaned forward again, eyes focusing on anything you could make out. The tunnel was a long, narrow river, and you still couldn’t see any sort of light coming your way.

You sat back, groaning. You felt Jason’s arm brush against you when he leaned back as well. “My arm’s tired.”

“Great. How long are we stuck here for?”

“Calm down, we’re not stuck.”

“FUCK!”

A wet, soggy puddle, streaming right up your jeans, all over your ass.

“What?!”

You breathed, pursing your lips and feeling your arms shake. “I sat on the _SHIT WATER_!!”

You wanted to choke him that minute when the boat started to lightly rock. His laughter started to echo throughout the tunnel, slapping his knee and throwing his head back despite you not being able to see.

“You. Are so. Dead.”

“Why me?!”

“You wanted to come here and now my ass smells like SWAMP.”

He took a long minute to laugh at you again. And you maintained your breaths, tugging onto your hair as you leaned forward to catch your hair with your palms.

“Oh, man. I miss this.”

You slightly chuckled.

“Hey,” he said. You could feel he was smiling, but his voice was lower.

Then, you felt his hand land on your leg.

You slowly started to lean back. Your shoulder touched his chest. He was leaning towards you. And you couldn’t see it. _Fuck_ , why can't you see it.

You breathed in and Jason thumbed your knee. “Calm down.”

You shrugged, but when you felt his breath against your ear, you got even more frantic than you were.

The darkness never felt so well when all your other senses had been heightened. You could feel his breathing, coursing through the skin of your cheek. You turned your head towards him so you could feel it against your mouth. Was he going to kiss you?

You felt his breath spike. His hand still on your leg, trailing up to your thigh. You were so close to him. You just knew it. Otherwise you wouldn’t have been so mesmerized by his scent, the feel of his hand sparking your body and your thoughts. Everything. You didn’t have to see him. And you could tell how beautiful he was so close to you.

Your hand touched his chest.

And at that, you felt him pull away.

You swallowed the rock in your throat, then Jason started paddling his way out.

Not long after, you were met with the sun.

“Finally,” Jason said.

And, as if everything was magically left behind with the darkness, you both went onto the next ride as if absolutely nothing happened.

\----

“Where are you, motherfucker…”

Good thing he found the generator for this. Otherwise the whole place would have been as dark as the tunnel.

And a Hall of Mirrors wouldn’t be any good with it being so dark.

Neither of you were even shaken. This was one of the most haunted places within a 100-mile radius off of Gotham and you were going into a maze of mirrors like being lost it in wouldn’t traumatize you for the rest of your life.

But really. It was just a small tent with mirrors placed strategically enough to confuse the normal person who had no more than basic knowledge on how reflections work. There was nothing to be scared of.

He walked around, seeing the thousands of himself looking back at him, mirror after mirror like an endless abyss. “Y/N?”

“Good luck finding me, asshole.”

It was all just him. The tiniest one at the far back didn’t even have a face anymore. Jason walked around, letting his palm trace where he’d been through. He swore he passed by that specific mirror before. He was running in circles.

“Jay-“

“Hey!”

There you were, looking right at him from the mirror on the left. He knew it was a reflection immediately and turned the other way. He heard your footsteps, your laughter. And when he turned to a corner where he thought you’d gone to, you weren’t there.

“Where the fuck did you go?”

“Just admit you’re a noob,” you said. And he turned to follow your voice.

“Keep talking, babe. I’ll find you.”

“You won't.”

This time, he actually did find you. And you didn’t seem to notice.

He smirked thinking of what to do. “Where are you, Jay?”

A short whistle, and your back shot up and turned to his direction. He ran all the way to the other side before you’d catch him and hide behind one of the corners. Jason had to keep his laughter in. Fuck, he felt light hearted. Happy.

If he had a mop, he’ll even fucking chase you with it.

Jason went over to a narrow hall where his reflection looked back at him. And he saw his face. How his cheekbones were up, how his lips were curved up to a smile. And his back, standing straight and not crouched over like he usually does. His skin looked brighter. And he looked… well, happy.

He hadn’t looked like this in the whole six months of his second life.

He looked away from his reflection.

And saw you staring right at him.

“There you are-“

Just as he ran, his face bumped into the cold, hard glass.

The sound of your laughter had never been so animalistic and borderline evil. He rubbed his nose, felt the buzz on his face. He shook it off and made sure his jaw hadn’t been rearranged.

“I swear,” he heard you laugh even more. “It’s funnier the third time.”

Yeah. So what if it was the third time he ran to a mirror?

And when he looked around, really listened to where your voice was coming from, he caught you with your back turned to him, and he was ultimately sure you weren’t just a reflection. Slowly. Carefully. He crept up behind you.

You caught his eye on the reflection. You stood frozen. And he winked at you before grabbing you from behind, trapping you with his massive arms.

“ _I WIN!”_

_“STOP- AHH!”_

He squeezed you tightly in his hold and tickled your neck with his nose. Your screams, mixed with your giggles and squeals, it only made him want to hold on tighter. You tried to wrestle him out of it but you’d be stupid to think you could possibly contest his strength. _“JAY, I CAN'T BREATHE!”_

You laughed again, and when he loosened his hold, you turned around. You both continued to laugh, until it eventually mellowed down.

His arms didn’t leave you. He didn’t want to. He wanted to keep holding you all day until his own arms would give out and you’ll have to worm your way off his grip. Then he looked into your eyes, eyebrows arching up, looking at him like he was the stars and the skies and the whole universe. You were his whole universe.

You were his happiness.

He gulped, pushing your hair behind your ear. Your hands were holding onto his arms, pulling him so close to you.

You.

You. You. You.

He wanted to run himself over with a bus. Or a truck. Or a fucking plane.

Now, because of him, who he is, he didn’t want to believe that he only had one more day left with you…

_You._

He closed his eyes, and you were the first to pull away.

But then you took his hand.

“Let’s get out of here.”

Looking around. At your reflections, how you both looked to the eyes of someone else. With you holding his hand and him looking flustered and happy. He wasn’t going to see himself like this ever again.

\-----

The afternoon had come to a close.

On the lowest car of the Ferris wheel, which stood right at the center of the whole park, you laid your head on Jason’s shoulder and had your eyes closed. You were going to wait it out until sundown. It didn’t matter how late you’ll get home. You only had so much time. You wanted the best out of it.

Jason was slightly moving the car back and forth with his weight. And it calmed you. Much like a swing. He leaned back against the seat and watched the sun fall to the earth along with the trees, the vines, the bushes that formed all around him.

You moved so slightly just so you’d rest on his chest. “Where are we getting dinner?”

“Probably just from one of the diners we’ll go through.”

“Okay,” you smiled, inhaling into his shirt. “I had fun today.”

“Me, too.”

You pulled your head up just so you could see his face. He wasn’t smiling, but he wasn’t unhappy either. You hand went up to his chest, and he held it, tightly, and just before you thought he’d pull away again, he didn’t.

“Y/N…” he sighed. “I know what you’re trying to do.”

You backed away slightly. “What?”

“You…” he sighed and swallowed his throat. “Are you trying to change my mind?”

_What?_

“What do you mean?”

“All this. I didn’t want to get close and now…”

“You said this was okay.”

“I did, but… I didn’t at first,” he let go of you and leaned forward to rest on his knees. “You wanted this to happen, did you?”

You scoffed, looking at the grass around. “You’re mad that I somehow _manipulated_ you?”

“I’m not mad-“ he tugged on his hair. “Y/N, this is only gonna hurt so much more at the end.”

“You think I’m doing this because I wanted to brainwash you into having me back?”

“I never said that.”

“Yes, you did.”

You placed your arm on the arm rest at the side, and Jason looked the other way as well. “I’m sorry.”

It hurt. This bastard has hurt you so many times over the course of your life. and you couldn’t believe it, but you outwardly offered yourself to let him hurt you again. Not once. Not ever. You never thought that at one point, you’ll ever let anyone step all over you like this and _still_ want him more than anything else in the world. You're letting him hurt you at this point. And you hated it.

You knew bit the insides of your cheeks and breathed in.

“I knew I’ll never change your mind. Trust me. I’m not expecting anything good to come out of this when it’s all over.”

Jason looked at you, but you kept your eyes away from him.

“If you think I don’t love you enough to handle not being able to hold you or kiss you when you're around, that’s where you're wrong. I _know_ this is going to hurt me. So much more than you think. But I asked for these three days with you so I could finally get to have you, all of you, even when it won't last. Trust me, I’d rather be hurt the rest of my life than to not spend a single day with you in it.”

Jason let go of a hard hit of breath through his mouth, biting his lip, staring out into the void the way he did when he wanted to hold himself back. You, on the other hand, were calm.

He thought you didn’t change. That you were still the sick, spoiled bitch from high school. He thought you’d do anything to get what you wanted no matter the consequences.

Well he was wrong in that.

The one thing you could point out as the biggest change you ever made for yourself was just that. When he died, it dawned on you that the world was never going to give you everything you want, and there would be nothing you could do to change that. You couldn’t talk to anyone, threaten anyone, or throw a tantrum until life gives you ultimately the thing you yearned for. Jason was that thing. You wanted him so bad and he was the one thing you couldn’t have.

And since then, you didn’t care any longer. You accepted things the way they were. You no longer worked your way up just to get what you wanted no matter how sneaky or foul-played. You just sat back, let things go through you. It had been that way since he died.

And he thought you were selfish enough to try to change his mind for your own gain.

“If you don’t want to be with me, I’m not about to change that.”

“I never said I didn’t want to be with you.”

“Want. Can't. Won't. Shouldn’t. It doesn’t matter,” you scoffed. “You made this decision. You wanted me to stay away.”

“It’s to protect you-“

“ _I know_. I told you, I’m not arguing with you on that.”

Jason finally caught your eye, and when you looked away, he took your hand. You faced him but you shook him off.

“If you don’t want to get too close, then fine. Have it your way. I’ll handle it.”

You were staring emptily at the overgrown patches of grass. Jason was staring at you, at your face. You didn’t look at him. You crossed your arms. You felt your heart burn, the glass that housed your chest shatter like broken pieces of knives piercing your through your flesh. Your breaths were cut short. But you didn’t feel any tears coming. Not when it was about something you’ve already expected. You settled for feeling his shoulder touch yours and went with that. That was the most you’ll get out of his warmth.

Fuck this. Fuck everything. _Fuck_ -

Jason’s hand grabbed your chin, turned your head swiftly to his direction and leaned in to meet your lips.

_And no._

No. It wasn’t in your head.

His lips were real, soft, yet firm. Chapped yet luscious. He pressed himself so hard against you that you almost fell back.

You held his wrist, trying to pry him away, but he wouldn’t let you. And it was the only bit of effort you made to stay true to his word. You leaned forward, pushing him back as well. Oh fuck, his lips.

You shut your eyes closed and when you solely focused on him, his kiss, all you could see was the two of you in that playground, in that parking lot, in the Boner Aisle, in your bed, in his bed, in the gym, the cafeteria, on a date, or in the rooms of abandoned houses.

A year with him, it all came through.

This. This was what you missed more than anything else. Your arms circled his neck. You wanted him even closer. You didn’t care if the car started to creak and move about. You grabbed his shirt, pulled him tight, and when he pulled away to breathe you leaned in again.

You started tugging at his hair. You wanted his warmth. All of it. You wanted every inch of him. You couldn’t believe you were here with him again. Three years was a long time and you hadn’t been touched, let alone be kissed by another. You were pulling and pushing each other so slightly, with enough force for it to be so passionately wanting but enough to hold back before everything got too heavy.

But it was hot. Your hands on his skin, his chest so tightly against yours. Jason started holding onto the back of your knee and shifted you up so your legs were on his lap. It wasn’t enough. you needed to be closer. You moved so your ass was on his crotch, your legs swinging off his left side. He held onto your thigh and squeezed. _Yes._

Then his other hand was on your neck, pulling at your hair. You let him squeeze just enough to make you gasp, and he felt your hand trail down his chest, just over his shirt. And you were right. He did have an eight pack. You could practically feel the hard ripples through the fabric. You breathed in again and he kissed your cheek, your ear, blew in just to make you shiver, then he bit onto your neck.

No. You want him back on your lips.

You pulled him back. Your noses were smushing against each other and your foreheads aching at the force, but you didn’t care. He didn’t either. You could feel his sadness, his months of being a cynical, cold-blooded sub-human. But you didn’t see that at all. He was the most human you could possibly think of. He was just as beautiful within as he was on the outside. And by god, was he beautiful on the outside. Your hands trailed down his face, his eyes, his cheek. Every part of him was perfect. And through your chest you could feel his own warmth, and it matched with all the warmth his emotions rubbed off on you. Everything was gold. He was gold.

Fuck, you could go on forever. You wouldn’t know when to end if you were asked to simply admired every bit of his body, mind, and soul.

“I love you…” you whispered, and he showed that kind of love back when he sunk his teeth into your neck. And you moaned, and you tugged on his hair so much that he hissed, before going back to your lips.

\----

The sky was dark by now, and you were straddling his hips.

You probably couldn’t do it here. It was way too dangerous. For all he knew the wheel could break and you’d die before getting anywhere out of this.

But he really fucking wanted to. He wanted all his frustrations to let go through you, feeling you, making you feel good. He missed you so much, he swore he could never find this anywhere else. The things you do to him, and the things he desperately wanted to do with you. He squeezed on your thighs and trailed your hand up your ass. _Fuck, did you get thicker?_

Yeah. You did. You didn’t have the body of a teenager anymore. You were a fully grown woman and by all the gods he didn’t believe in but was probably up there, he wanted a taste of that. He wanted his hand to go down your pants and make you feel so good just by his fingers, make your back arch so much that you’ll cry out his name in this forgotten forest. He kissed your neck, your shoulder, your collarbone. He let your shirt go further down until he could see the top of your bra.

You were so beautiful.

Jason felt you grind against his pants, and he winced at the pain that went with his awfully hard cock. Three years dead, six months being borderline deranged, this was probably the hardest he’s been since then. He kissed down your chest and let you have at it with his neck.

Your hand was going down. Further down. And when it reached his cock, your teeth biting into his skin at the same time, he threw his head back.

Fuck, he really wanted this.

He hadn’t connected with someone the way he was connected to you, holding you so tight you were practically one with him. He never wanted to let go. He wanted to make love with you all night and never let you out of his sight. Of course, he wanted to be with you. More than he wanted anything else.

Jason opened his eyes, barely, still feeling the rush push through his skin and nerves.

No.

_No._

It was all too much the moment you unzipped his pants.

“Y/N…”

And just like that, it blew away. He wanted you again. That one moment where the asshole in him took over, it pushed you off of him. You immediately stopped.

_No._

_Fuck no._

You looked at him dismayed; eyes wide. Your cheeks were red but from the way you were looking at him now, he wanted himself dead all over again.

You scoffed, eyes looking like you wanted to murder him, then you slid off his lap.

“You're a jackass, you know that?”

He never looked at himself with so much shame. Jason couldn’t even bring himself to look at you. but whatever it was he was thinking about himself right now, it couldn’t possibly half as much disgust as you had on right now.

You dusted off your clothes, fixed your hair.

Your face was blank, and you were holding back so many words he knew would hurt him all the more. He deserved those words being thrown at him.

“Y/N, I’m sorry…”

“Just stop. Let’s go home.”

Jason wanted to drown in his own blood. You left the Ferris wheel before he could even stand up. He walked behind you, barely catching up. And you went into the car without waiting for him to get in.

The whole ride home, you didn’t spare him a glance. You even managed to fall asleep.

On the way to the carnival, he didn’t want you to waste away what little time you had with him falling asleep in the car. He wanted you to sing with him, feel the wind through your hair.

But he just let you sleep. So you could go through this day as quick as you could.

\----

You were already awake when he parked across the street from your house.

You got out first, and he followed behind. He thought you’d walk straight to your door like you often did, but you walked so slowly, as if you were counting your steps.

How many times is he going to hurt you before you’d actually grow tired of him and willingly leave?

But even then, despite everything, you swallowed and stood at the first step, looking at him with your arms crossed. He stood in front of you and looked up at your eyes.

You weren’t even mad. But you looked so broken and disappointed. It was infinitely worse.

He didn’t want to hurt you any longer. That was what he’d been doing for three years. And he didn’t even have a say in that. Now that he did, he’s doing it all over again. Hurt you wen you deserved the kind of happiness you brought him. For once, he didn’t care if the world was so shitty to him. It was, because it gave him you, and it was taking you away in the worst possible way.

You took a deep breath. “I’m not mad at you.”

He graciously nodded and swallowed. “Thank you.”

You looked down at your feet. The way you did when you were about to say something you really didn’t want to say.

“You don’t have to come see me tomorrow…”

He stood back. “What?”

“I know how you think. It’s true. This is only going to get worse.”

No. That wasn’t what he thought.

Not at all.

“But I-“

“I know. I only asked to spend some time with you, and I can't thank you enough for these two days. I’ll have them to remember them by. But if it hurts both of us too much, then I understand.”

No. This couldn’t possibly be the last time he sees you…

“Y/N, this is going to hurt us either way-“

“Maybe you were right. Maybe I was trying to change your mind. I was too selfish to notice.”

Jason bit on his tongue.

“I’ll keep your promise. You never have to worry about me again.”

You gave him the saddest, most heartbroken smile.

“I’m letting you go.”

Just one day ago, he would’ve taken it as a pass and moved on.

But all that time of telling himself he still had one more day. Even when it was just a single day, it was already too hard to forget.

It was like when you were dating, the first few months, and he’d desperately try to make sure every free minute he had, he spend with you, and every hour that he wasn’t was an hour wasted. When he’d do everything to change his schedule just to squeeze in even just a few minutes with you. it was like that. All over again.

And it should matter, especially when it was just a single day of not seeing you anymore when he’ll have to get used to that for the rest of his life, but he’d already conditioned his barely sane mind that he still had _One. More. Day._

He was going to prepare himself tomorrow for that, and let you go as smoothly as you could to make it just a bit less painless than it’ll inevitably be. He didn’t prepare for that today. He was going to be conscious enough to note that your laughs will be the last. Your smiles will be the last. Your teases, your jokes, your hold on him. That it will all be the last time. And he was going to memorize every bit of it, keep it in the deepest parts of his mind, yet not so deep that he wouldn’t be able to recall them anymore, anytime he wanted. No, he wasn’t prepared. He’ll always remember today, but he didn’t think it would have been the last. He didn’t think it would be.

“Y/N…”

“Jay…” you whispered.

He breathed in through his nose, keeping his cool before he’ll ultimately break down.

“Can I kiss you? Just one last time?”

You smiled.

Oh, that hurt, broken smile that was painful to see, yet so beautiful to watch.

You leaned in.

Your lips were barely pressing closely to his. It was just a light, subtle touch. Not at all like a while ago at the wheel. But it was all the more powerful. It shook him, made him feel like he was trembling in his feet. He held your waist, and you gently held onto his face.

This couldn’t possibly be your last…

But it was. With all the promises he made to himself, with how much he was supposed to prepare for how hard he was going on himself when this was over. And now, it actually was.

You pulled away, letting your forehead linger for a brief minute. It might have been a long time, but it didn’t matter. It was too short. Far too short.

“ _Goodbye, my love_ …”

Your voice tore him apart. Your love. That, he will always be.

And then,

You left.

Jason was lost, standing at the side of the road with nothing much to hold onto anymore.

He was alone. Indefinitely.

\-----

Oh, love.

How people love to hate on love.

It’s the cause for life. For human beings to litter the earth. It’s the cause for the most beautiful things in the world. Art. Poetry. Passion. It’s all by the work of love. The most precious, vital thing to work with that brings up the best out of your talents. You could only do so much with your work if there was love put into it.

And it’s also the cause for destruction. For wars and battles and bloodshed. Love can be as ugly as it was beautiful. Love was everything the world has ever seen. It is happiness, distraught, anger, disappointment, guilt, and trust. It was, quite literally, everything there was.

Love, as it embodies everything, isn’t the opposite of hate. In fact, it most often causes it.

You don’t hate something when you aren’t in love with another. And it can be on the same exact thing or person or whatever it was. It can be on the opposite, but they almost always coexist. You can't hate on darkness without loving light. You can't hate on how your hair looks that day without loving it on another day. It can be caused directly, or indirectly. The two things don’t have to be related. But the whole point of love existing was that hate was also around.

Jason knew that to the heart.

When he told himself that all this was to prepare you, to let you down as gently as possible, he never took into account how it’ll ultimately affect him. He thought, _sure, let him enjoy it while it lasts._ And knowing him, knowing the moment he opens his heart to something, it’ll never close back, Jason never thought that by the end of this, at the abrupt end that wasn’t supposed to be, it’ll tear him apart.

The Red Hood murdered a whole block of Falcone’s men, a whopping fifty bodies left cold on a single night.

Batman had been on his tail the past week, just when he left you, just when the killings got so much worse. But he was quicker, angrier. He no longer had the remorse that was bits and pieces left over his consciousness, not like before.

He hated the world so much, he’ll kill it if he had to.

The days he promised you, he knew it was for you, for your lasting happiness. He knew it’ll hurt him, ultimately.

And well, he got what was coming to him.

It was so much like that time you broke up, when he’d lay on his bed, do nothing but stare into nothing, at a wall or the floor, when he’d starve himself just because he didn’t have it in him to move, when he’d let the thoughts of you floor over his mind so much like a painfully aggressive dam breaking into the sea, that he let the tears seep through. And when he wasn’t sobbing, just merely letting the hurt walked through so slightly, it hurt all the more.

Except now, instead of letting the pain hurt himself, he lashed it out on all the sick people in Gotham.

Just a week passed, and he’s killed more than a hundred goons and henchmen.

**_THE MURDEROUS RED HOOD_ **

**_NEW GOTHAM VIGILANTE? OR VILLAIN?_ **

**_RED HOOD: FRIEND OR FOE?_ **

News articles on almost every form of social media. It was everywhere. And there was no doubt you saw it. Saw how he really was.

Jason told you to move on. To let him go. To forget about him. You asked if he wanted you to let him go, and he said yes.

He never once said anything about him moving on from you.

And frankly, with his stubbornness almost identical to yours, he never wanted to.

He was going to deal with the pain, spend the days with you no matter how hard it was ultimately going to be, and he was going to let himself go through all that just for the sake of your happiness, to give you the life he owed you. He promised you the world and he had no plans in walking out from that promise.

This was why he never wanted all this to go through.

Except,

When he made all those promises, he let himself break just one, teensy bit.

At 6 pm, just when you finished all your classes, the Red Hood was on the rooftop of the building across from you. And you never noticed. And even if you did, he didn’t know.

He watched you get out of the gates and wrap yourself in a sweater despite the humidity. Your head was down, and it was quite a walk to your car. He continued to follow you all the way down the street.

When you cross the pedestrian lane, he grappled to the next roof.

When you went through an alley, he made sure to keep a close eye, hand on his gun.

When you almost got run over by a man in a bike, he wanted to shoot his brains out.

You looked so perfect, so delicate, so beautiful in the most obvious ways. He just couldn’t help it.

Jason was always going to be here for you. No matter the dirty promises he told to keep. No matter how much he’ll try to suppress it.

Jason was always, without a doubt, going to love you for the rest of his days.

When you got to the car, he thought you were going to drive off home immediately.

But standing on top, where he couldn’t see you through the window, you were stuck in your car and you didn’t drive off.

Jason went to the opposite building and adjusted his optics so he could see through your car window.

You were crouched over the wheel, face buried in your hands. You were crying. And even if he couldn’t hear your sobs or clearly see the look on your face, he could see the frustrations, how it must have been hard to wake up and go through your day like nothing happened and be forced to forget about the one you loved. It was hard for him to do that himself. Why the fuck did he expect that from you?

And just like that, another tear fell down his face, masked over by his helmet.

He never left, and you were there for a considerable amount of time. You should’ve gotten home by now. But you cried, and continued to do so.

You fucking lied. You didn’t let him go.

Fuck him. Fuck him for hurting you like this. Fuck him for ruining everything. Fuck this and fuck the world.

Fuck his promises.

\-----

“Girl, get those to the new shelf. And be careful not to smudge these with your sweaty ass palms.”

“Jeez, Ms. P, okay,” you faked a smile. You got the cart from her desk and pushed it onto the new set of shelves they placed near the old ones.

You only worked on Saturdays, and you should have thought about how much more it was going to sting coming back to work, seeing the library after everything that had happened and pretend you couldn’t see Jason wherever you go. And, of course, it was different this time. Because you no longer saw him and grieved, knowing the most precious thing in the world was gone. It was different now because that boy you followed around through the aisles and shelves was still here, being one of the most wanted criminals in the city who kept his distance from you by choice.

And you don’t know if it should make you feel any better or infinitely worse.

This time, you definitely had to try to move on. Perhaps it would be easier? That’s what you’ve been trying to tell yourself all the time. All those days of going to school and work and forcing yourself to forget the last four years of your life, you kept the reminder that this was his choice this time. He was alive. He knew you wanted him and still kept yourselves apart.

So yeah, maybe it will get easier.

Just not now.

“Y/N, I’m going. You close up.”

“Okay. Drive safe.”

Ms. Peterson left the room, but left the door open. The room was empty, and all the students had left for home. It was still fairly bright, and you still had a whole cart you wanted to shelf before you head back to your apartment.

Keeping your hands busy. It was the best thing to do.

You let yourself get lost into your trance, let the emptiness of thought consume you, make you believe nothing was going on when in fact, so much was happening around you. You kept the silence and worked your way through it. You didn’t cry. You didn’t let anything do a number on your exhausted mind.

You focused on the books. Placed them on the spaces. One. Two. Three.

You were lost in yourself. So lost in fact, that you didn’t notice someone at the door until you heard a knock.

“We’re closing up,” you said, thinking it was the janitor asking why you still hadn’t placed the chain lock.

“Need help?”

His deep, husky voice, so low and chilling, it sent you into a frozen, plunging spiral.

Slowly, you turned around.

Jason leaned against the doorway with a light brown leather jacket hugging his shoulders. He smiled at the sight of you, subtly so that it grounded you even more.

“What are you doing here?”

He started walking up to you, up to your cart. Jason turned to you and sighed.

“I promised you one more day.”

Yeah. He fucking did. You choked in your own breath.

“What do you say? For old times sake?”

He took a book from the cart, and just like he did almost four years ago on the first day of your library detention sentence, he held out his hand for you to shake.

You smiled.


	20. I Don't Hate You

This was your story.

Your heart-wrenching, exhausting, shitty, beautiful little story.

A story you’ve told only so much, but when told, it lets you relive the most memorable moments as the words flow right out of you. A story about the last few years that have been more eventful than any other year there was. A story, when given the chance, changed you so much, changed everyone involved.

And it all began and ended in a damned library.

Maybe you’d tell it again someday. Not to some therapist you barely know or a few friends who’d already heard about it from other people. But maybe you can tell it to the person you’ll eventually spend the rest of your life with. To the kids you’ll ultimately have and love. It’s a story about you and a boy named Jason Todd, and how you both changed so much for each other over the course of a few years. Telling it in a way that makes it a happy memory you were glad to live through might change how you thought about it, or how you’ll deal with it after it all ends.

But Jason, _your_ Jason.

You were always going to love him. You were always going to miss him. He will always be the love of your life.

And even with the end so near, you set that aside. Because an end can be the most beautiful when you don’t treat it like one. It can be the best when you treat it like any other day, think about it as if it were to happen again tomorrow. Only then can you fully live through it as a memory you’ll want to relive over and over. When the emotions are genuine and all other thoughts are put aside.

That night, your last night with Jason, it was like the last three years never happened.

It had been so long since you lived through an instant of gaiety and your highest spirits without a single thought of how reality had been so hard on you, so long since you could live without despondency waiting for you outside your door to take you back to where you were supposed to be. It was that night.

The sun had long gone, and not wanting any attention from the outside or the night guards, the library had its lights shut off, door locked from the inside. And once you did, you and Jason, you were transported back to your junior year, your first few weeks at work when it was all bickering fun and laugher.

You sat cross-legged inside the cart, piles of books littered around you in a mess. “This goes to the sciences section.”

“I know. It’s here.”

“No, we moved it all the way to the front. In the new shelves.”

You leaned to the back of the cart, and your neck rested right against Jason’s arm, his nose meeting your hair. “I hate this new arrangement.”

Holding your phone’s flashlight with your one hand and the textbook with the other, you lit up the way as Jason pushed the cart through the long, narrow aisle.

The metal nets under your jeans were starting to imprint on your skin. You’ve been at this for so long, arranging and re-arranging the whole place even when you didn’t need to. And you let it settle. You kept looking up, where you could see his eyes staring at you like you were as beautiful as the moon. When you reached the shelf, you gave it to Jason, who put it right into its place between two old books.

He kept pushing you around, and you loved it especially when your squeals and light screams coming from your churning stomach filled the whole room, when Jason pushed you fast into a long aisle and you’ll feel the rumbling of the cart and the wheel almost falling off. His new strength pushed you farther and faster with so much more ease.

Standing at the far-off end at the main aisle, which faced the longest clear distance all the way to the other side of the room, Jason placed a light kiss on the tip of your forehead. “Hold on.”

“Go!”

You grabbed onto the bars with your sweaty fists, looked straight forward, then you felt the cool, magnificent rush of cold air blowing into your face, your hair, the clothes on your back. Jason laughed along with you as you howled, then you held your arms up, eyes closed. “ _WOOOOO!”_

He stopped just before you hit the wall. Then he walked over to you. “You could have fallen over!”

“That was amazing!” Your outstretched arms started reaching for his neck, standing on your knees in the cart. You were closer to his height now, which made it easier to kiss him. He held your waist and practically stuck his tongue down your throat. “Mmm!” you giggled, and he bit your lip before pulling away.

He walked to the back of the cart then turned it around, without warning, then started pushing you back into that direction. “Again!”

Jason screamed into your ear to match your voice, then pushed you all the way back. “I’ll fucking run.”

“Do it,” you growled.

Jason bent his knees, and with you closing your eyes, he pushed the cart faster than a car would run. You screamed until your lungs gave out, your head in a flying daze. And you looked out. You could see the wind, the books going past you.

Nothing but laughter. Nothing but bliss.

_BAM!_

“ _FUCK!”_

The front left wheel of the cart, that one wheel that had been all squeaky and insufferable for the last four years of your life, finally gave out on its tiny life on a string and popped out of its socket. The cart started to drift off, then tumbled down to the floor on its side. You were thrown to the ground with it. “ _SHIT!_ ”

Jason would have helped you up if he wasn’t already on the floor, clutching his own stomach in uncontrollable laugher. You rubbed the side of your shoulder. “ _NOT FUCKING FUNNY!_ ”

You were on your knees, growling, and Jason still kept laughing already lying on his back, crouched over to hold onto his aching stomach. You crawled over to him and started grabbing his arms. “Jackass!”

He laughed at your face, and no matter how much strength you had you couldn’t pull his arms away, so you threw yourself on top of him, crossed over so your back hit his stomach. “ _FUCK_ , your heavy.”

“Stop laughing.”

He snickered, then he started reaching for your shoulders, turning you over to face him. You laid on your stomach, splayed out on his side, and you kept laughing even when he’d pulled you into his lips again. Your arms went under his head and he pulled your body so you were laying on top of him. Wrestling, licking, feeling his lips. His course, yet soft lips. You could feel him smile and groan against you.

“Come on. We have to fix this thing.”

“What?”

Jason pecked your lips and stood up, pulling you to stand. You started dusting off your ass from the lint on the ground and he could help but slap it hard. “FUCKing hell, Jay.”

He chuckled. “Come on. You have any tools here?”

“I think Ms. P has something stashed in her desk.”

Jason started pulling the cart back up, balancing it against the table to stand upright. He went around to look for the wheel, and you fiddled around Ms. Peterson’s desk. At the bottommost shelf, you found the tools you needed. “Well, would you look at that?”

“Nice. Come on.”

You settled on the ground. And he held out the wheel to give it to you. “This little fucker’s been biting me in the ass.”

“I know. I remember.”

He took out the screws and a screwdriver. “I think we just have to screw it back in.”

“Go ahead.”

Jay started to work, placing the wheel where it was supposed to be and held out the screw into the hole, turning over the screwdriver. You laid your head on his shoulder.

“It’s the wrong size.”

“She doesn’t have anything else?”

“This is the smallest one,” Jason threw it to the ground. “What do we do?”

“Well,” you nuzzled into his neck. “We can go out to the supply closet and get more tools.”

“And the guards?”

You smiled. “We’ll have to be really, really quiet.”

Jason pulled your chin and kissed you. “You mean you have to be quiet. I do this for a living.”

You pinched his cheek, then stood up and walked over to unlock the library doors. You peered outside.

“No one’s out.”

“Just be quiet.”

You got out, closed the door behind you, then Jason held your hand as you led the way. “Man, I miss this place.”

You swore you saw the him from three years ago when you looked back, in the school halls holding your hand. “Y/N!”

“What?”

He suddenly pulled you into a corner, and when you looked out, you saw the security guard sitting right by the backdoor to the field. “Shit.”

“It’s over this way. Come on. Just be careful.”

You tiptoed out until you found the place. The supply closet. The same one you hid from Ms. Peterson from that one time. When you went inside, Jason grabbed your face and started kissing you. You held onto his arms, squeezed, then giggled when he pulled away. “We should have made out here more often.”

“I know,” he winked. “Looks cozy.”

Then he pushed you against the wall, you grabbing his hair. And you stayed there kissing probably for half an hour, completely ignoring the fact that someone could have possibly walked in. “Jay,” you smiled. “The screws.”

“Oh yeah.”

He got the tools he needed, then with him leading the way, you made sure to walk past the snoring guard with you walking on your toes. You almost slipped, but Jason kept you up, putting his finger on his mouth.

Then you rushed back inside the library, fixed the wheel on the cart. When he finished, he basically pushed you on the ground and started attacking your face with his lips.

Oh god, you’ve never been so happy.

“Let’s put these all back.”

You placed the books back in the cart, one by one. “What time is it?”

11 pm. You shrugged. “We have the whole night.”

Jason finished placing the books back into the cart, then you held onto the front of the bars as he maneuvered around, placing them onto the shelves.

“Look. Braille books. A lot of them.”

“Yeah, it goes all the way up there, remember?”

You followed him walking over to the place bringing the cart, looking up. He could have reached it by himself now, especially since he was practically as tall as the fucking shelves.

“Get on my back.”

“The fuck you wanna do now, Todd?”

“Just put your legs on my shoulders.”

He crouched over, and while you laughed it off, struggling to swing your legs over when he was so big, you held onto his head as he stood up with ease. “Can you reach it now?”

“Unnecessarily so.”

He gave you the books one by one, and you could reach the top most shelf that was almost to the ceiling. You could touch it with your finger. His grip on your legs was so strong that you couldn’t have fallen over even if you weren’t careful. You placed the books, laughing the whole time, then Jason leaned back down you could get off of him.

“Why didn’t we do that before?”

“You wouldn’t have let me.”

“I would have.”

“You remember almost biting my arms off just by carrying you up?”

He pulled you by the waist, and you turned him around so you could push him against the shelf. “I remember what this aisle was for…”

“ _Oh_ ,” he winked. “Why don’t we serve its purpose?”

You tangled your fingers into his hair, and his on your waist, then you kissed him so breathlessly hard that you would’ve fallen over just by his strength pushing you back.

Yes. You had him back. Even for just a moment. There wasn’t a trace of cold blood in him. All you felt was the warmth of the soft-hearted, selfless boy you loved. You were grinning the whole time you kissed, then Jason flipped you over so you were against the books.

His lips, even when slow, pressed against you with so much desire, his breaths, his teeth biting into your mouth, you held onto the shelf to keep yourself up.

This was your story. This was the ending you never thought you’d have. Kissing, having him for yourself, never will anything be so perfect as the way he held you, grabbing your legs so they’d wrap around his hips.

You’re always going to love him, for as long as you were sane and capable of love. Nothing, no one can replace Jason Todd in your heart.

He placed you on the table, and with your giggles not so easily concealed, you rocked about on the surface, kissing you so sweet and soft. Jason held your face and started kissing every inch of your face. You smiled.

“Not here, you idiot.”

He scoffed. “I know.”

But he kept going anyway.

You will never, ever, going to forget how strong he was when he holds you, how gentle his lips could be when he holds back from practically devouring your face. How his hunger mixed with his selfless sweetness, how he was so beautiful, the most human person you’ve ever come to know.

He pulled your waist up and ran his hands all over you. You did the same. And it was all without a thought of how things were going to be when you wake up the next morning. You lived in it, pretended it was going to go on forever. And you wanted it to. So desperately.

“I love you,” he said into your ear.

Then you pulled him into your arms, felt his chest squeezed against yours, then you inhaled into his neck. “I love you.”

He kissed you again, a lot slower this time, and his hands started trailing up your body.

Something was out the door.

Voices. More than one.

“Fuck.” Jason got off you and you stood up from the table. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

“Hide!”

Two night guards unlocked the library door.

“No one breaks into a library, Jeff.”

“Well, I fucking heard something just now.”

“Check the shelves.”

You held tightly onto Jason’s hand. You weren’t nervous. But you definitely didn’t want to get reprimanded by these two and lose your job. You and Jason hid beneath Ms. Peterson’s desk, and you swore you heard one of them peer in from the other side.

“You think this place haunted?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Well, I don’t see nothin’”

You looked over at Jason, then bit your lips back from laughing. He was barely able to fit under the desk, and you took note of just how adorable he looked making himself as compact as you could. He squinted at you and you silently snickered.

The voices got lower. They must have been all the way over the farthest shelves. You slowly crawled out, peeked over the table.

“Nothin’,” you heard one of the voices say. He was out of sight.

You motioned for Jason to get out. He crawled into the floor, held your hand, then surveyed the room for the quickest way out the door.

“Ey look, Jeff. Old magazines.”

“You think they got porn in there?”

On your toes, you and Jason walked out of there without a single sound.

You bit back your smile, and even with the moment so quick, you took one last look at the library, smiling. “Come on.”

You started racing out the door, out into the warm, summer night. It wasn’t so late, and you barely felt tired at all. Jason walked you out into the driveway.

When you got to your car, opening the door for you, you pulled Jason back into your arms, hands on his waist, then kissed him.

Even when he got into the car, you continued to kiss him. Even when he drove. Even when you felt your lips numb. You kept kissing his cheek and neck and basically everywhere you could, never mind how it could’ve possible ended badly. Jason drove around the city, taking a lot longer than he should. And you loved it.

It couldn’t end. Not yet. You still didn’t want it to.

But even after hours and hours on end, driving around without a destination and singing in the car, windows open for the world to hear, it ultimately had to. You went around the empty Gotham streets, basked in the silence like it was made specially for you. You sang all the songs in your playlist and Jason never hesitated to sing along with you, no matter how much his voice was drowned out by yours.

But in the end, when you saw the time on the car’s dashboard, when you felt the world tapping onto your shoulder, telling you that time was up, you couldn’t believe it.

And when you did,

The whole world sank with your heart.

Jason felt the same. He looked out the windshield, eyes drooped down and his breaths long and uneasy.

You felt it. The end. This was how it ends.

Your story with Jason.

He got out of the car, then you waited so he could open your door for you. He moved so slow, and so did you. Time had to stop. For you.

When he closed it behind you, taking your hand as he took you to your apartment, you felt his hold tighten, fingers rubbing into your skin.

You leaned close to him and placed your head on his shoulder.

Too soon. It was all moving too fast.

He turned to face you, holding your face.

Without even your knowing, a tear had fallen down your cheek.

And he wiped it away with his thumb, forcing himself to smile despite the inevitable staring at him in the face. Your chest was being hallowed out, by a shovel ruthlessly going at it with every bit of your raging thoughts, though silent, it was tearing you part by part.

You didn’t speak. You didn’t know what to say. You didn’t want to say goodbye. For good this time. And you didn’t want all this to stay behind as a memory. Jason placed his forehead tight against yours.

And you breathed him in. You took him in. You felt his eyelashes tickle your lids, felt his hands hold yours and step so close to you, you could feel his heartbeat.

And it finally came. The end.

He kissed you on the lips, so soft, softer than he ever kissed you before. You took note of how his lips felt, how his body was leaning towards you like it wanted you even more.

You heard soft, singing melodies somewhere in the air. And the whole world did stop for you this time. You couldn’t hear a sound. No one was around. And if there were you could have sworn they had frozen in place. You pulled him closer. You never loved him so much as you did at that moment.

And you wanted him. So bad.

No. This wasn’t the end. Not yet.

If this was goodbye, you were going to do it right.

You felt his lips get rougher, hungrier, and yours were, too. His hands held your face so tightly that you swore you’d break in his hold.

You wanted this.

You pulled away, and Jason knew what for.

You held his hand, never leaving his eyes.

And he followed you up the steps.

You unlocked the door with your free hand, taking him to your home. He shut the door behind him, trailing behind you down the hall, to the living room, and eventually up to your room.

You turned on one, dim light, and even then you could barely see much around you. Jason held your hand as you closed the door.

Silence. Deep, comfortable silence.

Jason held your face and pushed you against the wall.

Just once. Just one time. You wanted this so bad. Even if it wouldn’t last, you wanted it just once. And you’ll be able to tell yourself that you can move on without any more regrets. You had him for just one more night. And he’ll be gone in the morning. You wanted the most out of it. You wanted to feel every part of him, know that this was how it was going to end. And there was nothing else holding you back. Not even if you’d let it.

It didn’t take long for it to feel hot, heavier, and when you felt his weight against you, pushing you so tightly against the wall, that you were barely able to move. Your arms on his neck, he pulled you up, let your legs wrap around him, then he left his love all over your skin, marks and bruises by his teeth, all over your neck, jaw, and the top of your chest. He was so strong, so effortlessly pulling you up, you squeezed his bicep.

Then he moved you over to your desk, his arm swiftly swiping all your stuff from the surface so he could place you on top.

_Yes._

He took his sweet time. You weren’t going to rush this. No. You wanted him all the way until morning. You weren’t going to let a single second pass where you weren’t conscious enough to feel him, see him. You started pulling at his shirt, but he got so distracted by your neck, sucking into your flesh so painfully good that you gasped. You were leaning back, since he was pushing you with his weight, back almost hitting the surface, but you kept yourself sitting up.

More. Harder.

You pulled on his hair, pulling so tightly to ease yourself from the pain of his teeth, then he winced away, going back to kiss your lips. you sat straight up, pulling up the hem of his shirt.

And when he pulled on the back, practically ripping it off his body, you moaned as if he were already fucking you.

“Fuck…”

He held your hands, let your palms feel every inch of his gorgeous chest.

_Fuck._

He was so much bigger, as if it wasn’t already obvious with his clothes on. But without them, he looked like he was fucking photoshopped.

Rock-hard muscle, on his pecs, his stomach… _God_ , his stomach. You wanted your tongue all over his eight-pack. Not even porn had this kind of beauty. And he kept watching you, how your face reacted at the sight of him. And if he could see it, he’d say your jaw was definitely flat on the floor. His abdomen, his sides, his abs… everything was as hard as a fucking wall. You started placing your lips on them.

Scars. Beautiful, sexy scars, all over his skin. The largest one was a deep, Y shaped one in the middle of his chest.

From his autopsy.

And when he saw you kiss over them, he started to pull away.

And you held his hand, placed kisses on his lips, silently reassuring him that he was undeniably beautiful, just as he would in anyone’s eyes. When he softened up, you went back to kissing his pecs, his abs, every surface of his skin.

Then he groaned when your tongue lapped up the middle of his chest, all the way down his abdomen.

He looked like he was going to pounce at you like a panther now.

Jason grabbed your face, held you up so he could bite into your lips, causing you with so much pleasurable pain until you could feel your lips start to bleed.

He pulled your shirt up, his hands not wasting another minute without squeezing every part of your skin. He kneaded your breasts, kissed over your chest and setting your bra down so he could taste your nipples. You leaned back, weight on your hands, then moaned when he started kissing down your stomach.

Jason undid your jeans and ripped them off your legs, taking off your panties along with them. You gasped at the exposure. You hadn’t had sex in… well, you didn’t like to think about it. So you were horribly wet, drenching your table even when he hadn’t even touched you there yet. “Fuck…”

“Shh,” he whispered.

You started gripping on his hair, tugging, an outlet for when he started biting into the thin skin on your inner thighs. And he blew into your soaked pussy, warm air grazing your clit. “Oh!”

He kept at it, leaving marks all over where he could touch except your cunt. And you wanted him there so bad. You wanted his tongue all over your inside, feel him wander around so intimately and hit that spot only he could touch. You pulled on him again and didn’t stop until he was kissing your pussy.

“Fuck, look how wet you are…”

And before he did that, he suddenly grabbed your hips and flipped you around.

Your feet now on the ground, you bent over, your wetness now dripping down your legs. You felt his hand on your back, lightly pushing you down, then you placed your weight on your elbows, forehead touching the table’s surface. Jason got on his knees, then without a warning, lapped over your throbbing cunt with his long tongue. You moaned.

He started spreading your legs. You wanted him to use his fingers, too, but that was to say his tongue wasn’t already enough to send you quaking. You held onto the sides of the table, ass pushed out and his hands grabbing onto your hips. His grip was tight, and the way his fingers were sinking into your flesh, how it went so well with how his tongue inserted itself into your hole, you gasped out his name along with other, wordless cries. He went down your clit, slowly ran his wet tongue all over it in circles and different directions. You were shaking, and the wonderfully delicious buzzing down your legs was almost too much. You pushed yourself further back.

Jason held your stomach, and you threw your head back, breathing so heavy and broken. His tongue kept at it with your clit, then back into your hole, then you squealed when he momentarily went over your asshole before licking your folds again. _Fuck._

“Jay…” you cried, then a sharp slap on your ass jolted up your spine. His tongue quickened all over you. and you felt it creep up to you like an animalistic predator. The tensing of your muscles, your arms starting to give out along with your legs. Your mouth formed an ‘O’ and you screamed his name as your first, powerful orgasm washed over you. It was crushing, your every limb trembling at the slightest touch. You felt your skin burn through your cries and your head in a wonderful spiral.

Jason led you through it, made sure he was holding you tight before you’ll fall to the floor, and your cries, you let it bounce through the walls, his name so wonderfully screamed out, it was beautiful.

He let his hand reach down your pussy, massaging the outside to calm you. And before your high had subsided, you turned around, pulled him close in your arms.

You led him to your bed, pushed him down, with your one hand. Then you took your bra off, throwing it across the room. Jason leaned in towards you drooling at the sight of your tits. And you let him have what he wanted before pulling him away.

Your hands on his crotch, you felt his bulge.

_Fuck._

_He couldn’t possibly…_

You felt more of him, rubbing over his length that seemed to go on and on…

_Yes…_

You pulled away from him so you could take his pants off, along with his boxers, he groaned when his dick shot up and hit his stomach.

 _Fuck,_ your pussy already started to hurt just at the sight of that-

“Jay, how-“

“The pit,” he winked at you. “Made a lot of things bigger.”

You kneeled down in front of him, taking him in your hand and drooling over the sight of him. He was so fucking huge now. It could barely fit in your hand.

And for the love of god, his fucking _thighs._

“Y/N…”

“I want you in my mouth,” you demanded.

You pushed him to lay on his back, then he inched himself further up so you could kneel on the bed, crouch over so you could lick all way up from his balls to the tip of his cock.

Jason threw his head against the mattress, gripping his own hair and his hand trailing up his chest.

You took his tip in, swirling your tongue all over him. You felt him twitch and that’s when you held the bottom half with your hand. You went back and forth, mouth hallowed out as he hit the back of your throat while you pumped the rest of him with your wet palms. Your other hand kept holding onto his thigh, nail sinking in to his flesh.

“Fuck,” he groaned. Then you released his cock with a pop in your mouth, before going at it again. Your tongue went crazy over his hard, sensitive tip, licking the underside the way he liked it. After all those years you still memorized his body, no matter how much it changed. You kept going, pulling out to spit at him, then tried with all your might to sink him down all the way past your throat, blocking your airways and letting you gag repeatedly. He held your head down, then when you pulled away, mouth drenched in your drool mixed with pre-cum, you gasped for air and swallowed.

“Y/N,” he pulled on your hair, then you sucked on his tip again, opening your mouth wide until your jaw started to hurt, then you pulled your head back and forth, over and over until he started to tense, twitch. Not long after, Jason came inside your mouth.

Your hand kept pumping, and your tongue was held out to catch his seed. He kept going, moaning and squirming on the bed. You swallowed everything you could and kissed the tip.

“Come here,” he growled, just when you thought he might have passed out. He aggressively held your body up so your chest was pressing flat against him. You held his face, kissed him and letting your juices and his cum mix in your mouths, you both moaned.

You started leaning back, and just when you thought you’d grind on his cock,

You grinded on his thigh.

And fucking hell, the muscles, the ripples, how it tore through you in a sensation you never felt before. Your already quaking pussy was sensitive to touch, but now it was a wonder, mind-blowingly pleasurable experience that just couldn’t get you to stop. His tongue slightly seeping out his lips, he took in the sight of you.

“Fuck, you're hot.”

You ignored him and threw your head back. You gripped on your own tits, focused on the friction. His thighs were so large you still had to spread your legs wide. You kept going, going and going.

Then, without you even expecting it, another powerful orgasm ripped through you. You held onto Jason’s chest, and him growing hard again just watching you use his thighs to pleasure yourself. You were shaking, screaming into the air, then Jason didn’t waste a minute before grabbed you by the waist, suddenly flipping you over so your back was against his chest. You were lying on top of him, and on your ass, you felt his hardening cock.

You threw your head back onto his shoulder. Your bodies felt one again. Just like it used to. And with his breath against your ear, you cried at the stings on your skin when his warm fingers traced all over your body. he touched you, all of you. And all you could do was lie on your back, feel his lips on your cheek, feel his chest on your ass while he squeezed your tits so hard you screamed.

Then his other hand went down, to your over-stimulated pussy. He whispered into your ear. Your name. his thoughts. Everything he wanted to do to you. and your eyes went over the back of your head when his fingers inserted inside you, moving around your walls. He squeezed your other breast tighter to go along with it, and when it was so hard, you started to cum again, you held it back.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” you screamed, and he bit onto your ear. You spread your legs wide in the air and let his middle and ring finger pound into you so hard and fast. You heard wet, slapping noises, and the way his long fingers went inside you, ticking your clit with his palm, Jason kept massaging your upper body so gently, immensely contrasting his roughness on your cunt.

“Fuuuuck!!!” you screamed, and your legs were shaking when you came for the third time that night. Each one a different sensation than the other. This one came fast, one strong, powerful surge that went with the pain of his hand so ruthlessly bruising you up. You had to reach down, hold his wrist from going any further just because you couldn’t take it anymore. “Jay -“

“Shh.”

 _Fuck._ The way he shushed you, sent all the nerves in a spiral all over again.

You turned around, and he flipped you over on your back, hovering on top of you. “What do you want me to do?”

You gasped when his cock went over your folds. “Fuck me…”

“Mmm,” he hummed into your ear, kissing your cheek, your neck, then he was back on your lips. He took the time to do that, making sure you were ready for him.

“Please… oh!”

His cock, so large, tore through you so slowly, making sure you felt every bit of him stretch you out to your full capacity. And even when he wasn’t fully inside, he stopped. You were so tight around him you could feel it. You couldn’t even clench. But even with the pain so immense, you pushed on his back to make him go forward.

He sat back so he could look at all of you. nipples hard in the air, back arched so much that it went with the curve of his cock. Your skin was red and flushed, and every touch on you seemed to make your spine jolt. You held yourself up with your elbows, looking at him with that hooded glare that sent his lustful demons rising.

He held your waist, watching his dick go further and further inside you. You screamed so loud at the pain, even when he was so careful with it. But you loved it. Every part of it. Jason dicked you down balls deep, and stayed there while watching your body thrash about.

“Jason, fuck me, please…”

He held your waist, pull you up so the top of your head was the only thing touching the mattress, then started pulling your body back and forth.

 _Fuck_. Your walls, how you adjusted so roughly around him it made you hiss, yet after so many of his long, hard strokes, it built up that wonderful, rhythmic, deep electricity sparked back that one spot he was so expertly thrusting into.

It was slow at first, but when you started gripping onto his arm, he took it as a pass to suddenly snap his hips up to you and bruise your ass. _“FUCK!”_

Jason kept at it, then you held his neck, squeezing it to ease the over-whelming shocks, and he rocked your body back and forth, letting you back arch so much. Over and over. He wouldn’t stop. And you saw different colored lights flash before your eyes, shutting them close to stop yourself from passing out. The feel of his cock, and the buzz it went with…

It wasn’t even about the orgasm. You were one with him. You always had been.

You didn’t care if you came. For how many times that night. You focused on him. On his love. His touch. His beautiful, lustful love that was as endless as it seemed.

He was yours. Not just for that night.

Jason will always be yours.

_Always._

And _that_ was how you wanted your story with him to end.

\----

Soft.

Sultry.

It was an otherwise beautiful morning.

Every minute, you could feel it pass.

So slowly, like silent, steady drum beating.

You didn’t let yourself fall asleep. All night, you were in his arms. You let the night pass without your conscious mind missing a second of it. He didn’t sleep either.

And when the sun had come, telling you both that it was time,

That was when he let it dawn over him.

This was goodbye.

Time was ticking. Staying longer would only make things so much more difficult.

He kissed your shoulder, and even when his arms wouldn’t have let you, you pulled back. The way you looked at him, the hurt he could just see, he wanted to beat himself up over it. He wished this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

But the longer he looked into you, he made sure to memorize each and every detail of your face.

You closed your eyes, and he wiped the tear that seeped through them.

Jason, with all his strength that was already so immense, struggled, but forced himself to let you go.

And you stayed on the bed, eyes on the sheets. He didn’t want you to watch him leave. You turned over your back.

And it made it easier for him to put his clothes back on. As slowly as he could. Fuck, every movement hurt.

When he pulled his shirt over his head, he sat at the edge of the bed, staring at the wall.

You had put on your shirt and panties as well, also sitting at the other side of the bed.

He couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Not anything that was only going to hurt more.

But by god, he was thankful he came back. At least now, for you and him both, you said your goodbyes the best way he could. He’ll no longer have any regrets. He’ll no longer wish he did things differently when obviously he should’ve from the start.

Jason stood from the bed, slowly walked over to the door.

You probably didn’t want to voice out your goodbyes. You were still on the bed, clutching on the sheets. And when you caught his eye, you looked away.

Jason could have run back to your arms, tell you he was wrong, that he wasn’t going away, then you’ll go back to make love all day just as you would for the rest of your days.

That was always going to be the fantasy of what he could have done. Maybe even what he should have done.

But he didn’t.

He opened the door, slowly walked out of it and closed it behind him.

Jason was just about to walk out of your front door when he heard your voice. “Wait!”

He looked back.

You raced to him, and you were holding something in your hand. A book.

**_Edgar Allan Poe’s Complete Collection of Stories_ **

“You have it back,” you sniffed. “Please.”

Jason looked at your hands, mouth open, then he felt a tear on his eyes blur out his image of you, looking at him like he was just the whole world. He shook his head.

“Keep it.”

You bit your lips, then looked down at your feet. You set it on the table aside and wiped a tear from your face.

“Goodby-“

He pulled you to his chest, so tightly and suddenly, you gasped when your mouth met his shoulder. Then he felt your tear wet his shirt. He pulled you even closer, face into your hair. His own tear had fallen, and he let the feel of you loosen the tightening in his chest.

You pulled him just as tight. Just as close.

He didn’t know for how long, but you were in his arms for so long. It might have been just a minute. Or even an hour.

But he knew, the moment he walked out the door, that he made the greatest mistake of his life.

.

The sobs fell when Jason walked out. Your heart on the floor. Your whole body on the floor. Your back hit the door and you sobbed into your knees.

.

How many times has he left you? How many times does he have to screw you over for him to know you didn’t deserve any of this? Jason tried walking down the steps, but his legs felt weak. He sat on the steps and didn’t care if people around him saw him cry.

.

You tugged at your chest. Even though it hurt. Even when it was inevitable, you thanked the world. For giving you just a few more days with him. You thanked the cosmos from bringing him back. Even when it wasn’t meant to last.

.

As much as he wanted to hate everything, lash out on anything he could get his hands on, he didn’t. In fact, he knew those last days with you, those beautiful last days, will go on until the end of his life.

.

You once heard. If someone was really meant for you, you _will_ end up together. If that someone was Jason, you’ll have to embrace that new side of you that let the world take control. You sat back, hoping it would eventually change. Even when it seems impossible.

.

Jason walked home.

.

You went back to your room.

.

He fell to his bed.

.

You tried to go to sleep.

.

But he couldn’t. Not for the next days.

.

You loved him even more than you ever had.

.

This couldn’t possibly be the end.

.

Why didn’t it feel like an end?

.

He wished you’ll be okay.

.

You hoped for the best.

.

_‘Goodbye, Y/N.’_

_._

_‘Goodbye, Jason.’_

\-----

\-----

**1 MONTH**

He had the money. He could manage this.

But not working for this long was eventually going to take a toll on him.

Okay. He shouldn’t call it work. Even when it technically was. He was earning money through all those drug rings he’d held hostage and now that he’d been stuck in his home for the last month, he didn’t even know what his goons were up to. 

Jason woke up two hours past noon that day, just like he always had. Slowly, he swung his legs over the bed and blinked away the crust in his eyes. He stretched, feeling the warm morning sun in his skin. Then he walked over to the kitchen to make himself some toast.

It had been a month.

And still, he barely wanted to do anything.

No, it wasn’t like the first time you broke up. When his ass starved himself in bed, tore everything around in his room and let his anger take over all his sanity to the point where he left his room destroyed, his bed constantly soaked in his tears, his cries of anger, his eventual plunge into darkness. No, it wasn’t that anymore.

Because he wasn’t angry anymore.

Not at you. not at himself. How could he? He was the one who wanted this. He beat himself up over that so much that at this point he’d grown tired. Now, he was tired. So tired.

His toast popped up the toaster and he grabbed it, took a large bite out of it without anything else.

He got home, calm and silent. And every day that had passed, he never threw anything against the wall, he never starved himself, punished himself by constantly staring at your photos and remembering all your moments he was never going to relive.

He didn’t do anything to hurt himself anymore.

But it didn’t mean he wasn’t just as hurt.

He cries at night. Often all the time. Until eventually his eyes grow tired and he was left asleep in his own tears. Jason let himself remember you, but no longer with any other feeling than greatness, appreciation, sweet, serene thoughts when he looked back.

Of course, it wasn’t without tears. All the time. There were tears.

He sat on his couch, leaned back, and let himself delve into the loneliness that was reality.

He really fucking missed you.

He still, with all his heart, loved you.

You never once called, and he never once reached out. He stayed true to his promise. He felt the pain he’d already expected. Jason wasn’t angry because all this was his choice, for your own good. He stayed on that couch for the rest of the day.

He didn’t fight off his thoughts anymore. Every image of you, he let it play in his head. He didn’t let the emptiness take over like last time. He didn’t pretend he wasn’t hurt. He didn’t pretend that each day went on and he had no control over it. He let each day pass, welcomed it with open arms. He felt every inch of that pain pass through every inch of him. All this, it was happening.

You. He had no idea what you were doing. He could only hope you were doing okay. Not like him.

That night, he went out, hoodie over his head.

And he went over to a bar. Alone. He ordered a drink. He went through the glass before anyone could bat an eye. He ordered another.

A girl took a seat next to him, and he let himself take his attention to her. She smiled at him, then she started talking. He didn’t exactly listen to what she said. He just kept nodding and smiling when he could.

He let her take him to her apartment, and he pushed her against the wall. _What was her name again?_

He grabbed her thigh, let her bite his neck. He fucked her in her bed, her screaming his name and kissing him all night. He just let everything happen. He pushed all thoughts aside. Or at least, this was what he did to try. He came and stopped right after.

Jason waited for her to fall asleep. And when she did, he grabbed his clothes and walked out of her apartment without so much as a text.

When he got back to his place, taking another drink from his stash and taking it to bed with him, he laid his head against the wall.

Nothing. Nothing changed.

He could have thrown that bottle across the room, let it break and not clean it up until the next few days. But instead, he just let a tear down his cheek.

You were still there. In his head.

Jason looked at the duffel bag in the corner, where his helmet and jacket had been sitting lifelessly for the past month.

That night, Red Hood stopped five muggers and two rapists from all over crime alley.

\-----

**2 MONTHS**

_‘I call out into the open,_

_Hoping for some reason,_

_That whatever there is, and always will be,_

_Was for the better_

_That all this sacrifice._

_Wasn’t for no reason._

_That you were right, in fact,_

_And eventually…_

_I’ll see why you no longer wanted me…’_

_._

You scratched out those last two words. It didn’t feel right. He still wanted you. You don’t know how he was feeling right now, but you were sure he still loved you at the end.

You hated how writing songs just felt so much easier when you were depressed. Maybe because you needed to feel strong emotions that had to take over you and drive you into that creative spiral. It was messed up, but you let it happen.

The empty music room helped, but you wore your earphones with your piano chords on repeat just to drown out the noises of students outside the door.

.

_‘I’ll see why you let go of me…’_

_._

That’s better.

.

_‘I promised you I’m fine._

_That all of this was for you._

_You are everything I wish to be and_

_The light that shines through_

_All the darkness…_

_No matter how much they try_

_To get their hands on me…_

_Even though you’re not here,_

_I’m always going to be yours…’_

.

You took out your earphones, then started playing a tune, breaking the chords apart in that certain melody you had going on in your head. When you got it, you started singing the lyrics you just wrote.

You kept singing, pretending he was standing by the door, watching you play and sing with his heart in his hand, clutched tightly and his face all goofy and red. You stopped for a moment, going back to the last line, then you went on.

Okay. Good. That was good.

.

_‘Your dreams of me_

_I hope they are good to you,_

_No longer feeding you the pain_

_That I can feel every time_

_I think of us. Of what could have been._

_I dream of you,_

_Every night, I do and I let them happen_

_Even when reality surges_

_Like a hit to the head_

_And it hurts so much…_

_Oh…_

_But I’ll go through that,_

_As long as I see you_

_At night.’_

_._

You placed your pen down and went to the piano, playing them out. After a while, revising the way the chords played out, you hit record and started from the beginning.

He was there. Smiling. And you closed your eyes pretending that he actually was.

You never realized all the songs you wrote were all about him, especially the ones that got the highest marks.

You even once wrote a song about sex. With him, obviously. And the thought of it made you blush. You were never going to pass that.

When you looked back, at the park, at the carnival, at the library, the ideas just wouldn’t stop flowing through you. It was sadness, but it had that little painful jab of acceptance lodged in your chest. You were no longer in mourning. But you were still hurt, and not a day goes by when you hadn’t thought of reaching out to the other side of your bed, hoping he was there, or even step into the shower and feel his arms around you. Maybe, eventually, you’ll actually move on.

Now just didn’t feel like it.

So, with your everlasting love for a man you couldn’t have, you continued to sing.

When you were done, you placed the headphones on and listened.

And when you listened to your voice, soothing to hear but had that subtle breakage at the ends when the words hit home the most, you felt the lyrics go through you, felt how it was still there, all over your heart. And it just didn’t feel like something you could easily erase.

“ _I let you go…_

_I’m letting you go…_

_I’m letting you go…_

_But it doesn’t mean_

_That the sun comes up to greet me,_

_And not question how_

_My smiles are no longer real…”_

You closed your eyes, and felt little droplets seep out of your eyes, down to your cheek and chin. You sniffed, wiping them off with your sleeve, then you hit stop.

\----

**4 MONTHS**

Red Hood broke into a window of an abandoned apartment building. There were five men around, all with guns in their hands.

“Am I late for the party?”

They started shooting, and he dodged them by a mere inch rolling on the ground. He pulled out his own guns, but he couldn’t have a good enough aim. Red Hood took to hiding behind the crates before he took one, with his bare hands, then threw it at their direction.

That’s when he started shooting. At their shoulders specially to stop them from picking their guns back up with ease. Red Hood took another crate, threw it at a thug’s body, and when he was on the ground, he leapt up into the air.

One of them grabbed him just before he got to the floor, and he was swung to the wall, hitting his back against the hard concrete. “Fuck,” he said.

He opened fire, aiming at their legs before they could run and tackle him to the ground. Red Hood grabbed a man’s head, hit the back of his neck with his elbow, then slammed him against his knee. He hissed for him. “That gotta hurt.”

“Quit talking, Hood.”

He shot that guy’s shoulder before he could say anything more. “But I love talking to you guys!”

Four guys down. He grabbed one of them by the neck, and held him against the wall. “Tell me where the good stuff is, or I blow your brains out.”

“In there! There!” he pointed to a room. “Don’t fuckin’ hurt me!”

He headbutted him and he was instantly knocked out cold on the ground. He followed it with a shot in the head.

Red Hood ran into the same room, where three men, no longer armed, held their hands up to surrender. Their meth lab looked large enough to house children, all right.

“I’m gonna ask nicely-“

“They’re in there!”

He stood back. That was easy.

He went to the closet they pointed at and true enough, three kids held down with ropes around their legs and arms stared back at him in fear. They started to scream, but Red Hood placed his finger up to where his lips were supposed to be and cut their ropes. “Get out of here.”

They all ran out, and Red Hood cracked his neck, holding out his gun at the three masterminds behind the lab. “Alright. Who do I kill first?”

They were on their knees, hands behind their heads as they cried out for their lives.

“Him!”

Red Hood shot the man who spoke up. Right in the head. He fell to the floor and his blood spread out all over the floor. “Next!”

“Please!!”

“Not me! Please!”

“Wrong answer!” Red Hood exclaimed, then he hit the man’s head with the butt of his gun, before shooting him once in the chest.

“Should have thought of that before you kidnapped from the playgrounds, motherfucker.”

The last one, who’d pissed his pants, was looking up at him visibly trembling on his knees. He whispered all the pleas and prayers he knew, and Red Hood, who never submitted to any of that, placed the muzzle to his head.

He looked like a young man. The youngest out of the other two.

And he didn’t look too much like a bad guy.

Still, he could have orchestrated the kidnappings himself. Maybe even done more to those kids than he thought.

Jason clicked his gun.

“Please! I’m begging you.”

This happened often.

When he took too much time thinking about whether to kill or not,

He saw you.

You’d hate to see him this way. And he could hear your voice, telling him to stop. That he didn’t need to do this. He didn’t have to kill him. Not even the other two he just shot right then.

He fucking hated it when this happened.

Batman fucking spoke to him in his sleep and never once did he falter. He never once submitted to Batman’s demands.

But the moment he hears you,

He stopped.

He killed too many today.

Not just today even.

“Consider yourself lucky.”

“Wha-“

He punched him square on the face. And he fell to the ground in a loud, clean thud.

\-----

**5 MONTHS**

_“All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside_

_It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it_

_If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them they know not me_

_Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away_

_I know I have to go…”_

Father and Son by Cat Stevens. You loved that song. The guitarist, a blonde guy named Dustin, looked at you and smiled just as you finished the song. The guy with the beat box, someone you didn’t really know, placed it back into the supply shelves.

You hopped off your stool and started to put the microphone stand away.

“Hey,” Dustin said. “Y/N.”

You turned your head to him.

“You have an amazing voice.”

You recall only talking to him once when you met a few days ago. When you were first assigned together for a live performance in school. “Thanks.”

“You play any instruments?”

You started wrapping the mic around with the wires. “Piano mostly. A bit of guitar.”

“I can teach you if you want.”

He was smiling too much at you, and you cleared your throat. If you were in high school you would have already left the room. But you didn’t. You let yourself stay in that room.

He started plucking on the guitar strings.

“You're really good,” you said to him.

“Thanks.”

You smiled, then when you finished cleaning up after yourself, you started for the door.

“Hey!”

You turned to him. Dustin went over to you with a pen in hand, then held out his hand for you to give him your palm.

“What?”

“My number.”

“Oh,” you gulped.

If you were in high school, you would have screamed at him to get out.

But, you didn’t.

You gave your palm to him, then he started writing down his number. “Call me,” he said.

Then he left the room. You didn’t, on the other hand. You were left standing there, wondering what the hell you just did.

You haven’t moved on. Not even the slightest. Jason had your heart for the last three years, even when he wasn’t here. Why would another 5 months be any different? Sure, you weren’t grieving over his death anymore, and the acceptance had sunk in eventually. But go out with another? Open your heart up to new people?

You weren’t sure you were ready. You didn’t exactly enjoy the idea of it.

But it didn’t matter if you were ready. One of these days, you’re going to have to let everything slide, call that cute guitarist and finally give yourself the life Jason always had in mind for you. What he always wanted for you.

You looked at your palm and swallowed.

\-----

**7 MONTHS**

****

**_THE GOTHAM TIMES_ **

**_The Red Hood: Change of Heart?_ **

_‘Gotham’s most feared vigilante, the Red Hood, had always been attached to cases of cold-blooded murders, violent massacres, and heartless debacles in almost every crime ring imaginable. Hood, as he is most often referred to, has been more feared than Batman himself, due to his willingness to take lives, which Batman does not do._

_However, in the recent months, cases of murders in crime settings the Red Hood was involved in have dramatically dropped. In good days, which have been occurring more often as time goes by, his kill count has been an astonishing ZERO and will only leave bodies unconscious before calling the police. First thought to be the work of Batman, it has been recently confirmed that the last sighting of the Red Hood, no dead bodies were found.’_

_._

Jason skipped over that article before it went on and on. He hated reading about himself. And the pictures they had of him, he snorted. Even the Gotham Times had amateurs for photographers.

Yeah. Okay. He hadn’t been killing for a while. Mostly because he didn’t exactly feel the need to anymore. Not when it wasn’t absolutely needed. Henchmen could still live. Their bosses, not so much. He’d still take lives if they absolutely deserved it.

He didn’t exactly think that much about it. He wasn’t proud of himself, exactly. Even when he probably should be. But he knew there were more things to worry about than give himself any kind of appraisal.

He kept scrolling down his feed.

He almost choked on his booze when he suddenly came across a picture of you, along with five other people in what looked like a singing gig, in a magazine article from Gotham Today.

He never clicked so fast onto the article.

**_GOTHAM TODAY_ **

**_Gotham College of the Arts for Christmas Market_ **

_‘The musically gifted students from the graduating class of Gotham College of the Arts will be hosting this year’s Christmas Market live performance. It is also expected that they are booked for the Summer festival as well. The Lineup of these talented seniors include…’_

Scroll. Scroll. Scroll.

There. Your name.

_‘Y/FN. Singer. Songwriter.’_

Beside it was a picture of you.

Jason smiled.

You looked so beautiful, with your teeth showing in your grin, your hair up in a ponytail and your makeup looking absolutely perfect. You were on stage, and you were holding a microphone. You looked straight into the camera. Straight at him.

He clutched at his shirt, right above where his heart was.

He shouldn’t do this.

Fuck it.

He went over to your profile.

You weren’t dating anybody, as far as he knew.

But he saw you posted three covers of different Lana Del Ray songs. He ended up watching all of them three times that night.

Fuck.

_Fuck._

It didn’t even hurt him anymore. It had been for months. But now he was just laughing at himself just how much you still got to him.

He stared at your picture.

How are you looking at him now? With all the news reports about how he’d changed? Are you smiling? Were you proud of him? Was he a lot better in your eyes?

The whole point of him maintaining his distance between you was because of what he did. Because you didn’t deserve having a murderer as a boyfriend or a husband. Because of all the enemies he’s made.

Well,

What happens now? Now that that’s changed?

\-----

**9 MONTHS**

You felt really bad for not calling Dustin.

And it already had been four months. You kept seeing him often in rehearsals. And basically every week in jamming sessions.

And, well, you decided, ultimately, that you really, really had to at least put some kind of effort to let Jason go. Nine months had passed and still you hadn’t dated anybody.

So last night, you finally called him.

Dustin picked you up from your apartment, and for that night, you went out to a nice little restaurant that served kebabs.

He was really cute. Not cute as Jason, though. And definitely not as-

 _Okay_. You can't be doing that.

“So I was thinking, for the summer fair in three months, I thought we could do Shallow by Lady Gaga? I think it would fit your voice really well.”

You nodded. “Thanks.”

“And, well, for me, I’ll have to be Bradley Cooper. That’s actually funny ‘cuz just last month I…”

You were staring at your food, picking them off with your fork. You just listened to him talk. On and on. You weren’t exactly sure what to say if he asked you to say anything or open a topic. Maybe you should have went to see a movie. You were bad at this. The only other first date you went to was in the Christmas Market with-

_Fucking stop._

“Anyway, I feel bad now. You haven’t exactly said anything in a while. Tell me about you!”

You just blurted out whatever shit came up to mind. And when you grew too uncomfortable to talk, you started picking at your food. It wasn’t that he was difficult to talk to. It was just…

Well, for starters, something had been in his teeth for a while and you were too embarrassed to point anything out.

And when you left the restaurant, he dropped you off to your apartment.

“Uhm,” he cleared his throat. “That was fun.”

“I had fun,” you bit your lips.

“I’ll, uh, call you!”

“Sure.”

Dustin went out the car and opened the door for you. He then walked you to your door, scratching the back of his neck. “I think you look really pretty today.”

You nodded, smiling. “Thank you.”

“Can I kiss you?”

 _Woa._ Okay.

You gulped.

You had to do this.

So, even when you weren’t so sure yourself, you said yes.

And when he leaned in, you closed your eyes.

Nothing.

It wasn’t him. It wasn’t Jason.

You immediately pulled away.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

You backed off, and Dustin never looked so uncomfortable. You wanted to bury yourself deep in the ground and never come back. “I’m sorry.”

“No!” you exclaimed. “Don’t be! I swear.”

“I’ll go now.” He pointed to his car with his thumb. “Have a good night.”

“Good night.”

He left, and you stormed out into your room, stuffing your head into your pillow.

_WHY._

_WHY._

_WHY._

You sobbed all night, thinking about _him_. Thinking about how it all felt so wrong. It wasn’t Dustin at all. It was you. You couldn’t bring yourself to see any other guy in that light. Not even if you tried. And you really fucking tried.

You never called Dustin back.

\-----

**11 MONTHS**

He’d changed so much.

And it was all because of you.

Almost a year since he saw you. and still, your voice spoke to him when he needed the guidance. Your face stared back when he had to imagine a face that would lead him into the right path. He hadn’t killed in months. He hadn’t done anything he’d otherwise regret.

Batman was no longer on his tail. He was no longer on Batman’s tail.

Now, he actually was proud of himself.

Because after that first time he came across you again after so many months. The same thought crossed his mind everyday since it began.

Is it possible that he deserved happiness now?

Could he finally be good enough to have someone he truly, genuinely loved?

Could he see himself be with his loved once? Surround himself with the wishes of life he never thought he’d have?

Did he change enough for you to actually be enough to have you for his own?

_Will you take him back?_

Because after eleven months, he was still in love with you. He broke his promises a few months back and started following you again in school, at work, practically everywhere he could catch you. You were still, without a doubt, so beautiful. And he himself was the one who plunged back into that hole. The abyss that was you. The only abyss he wanted to get lost in.

He loved you.

He still does.

He never actually stopped.

And he wanted you back. So much. He realized that the first time he saw you again about two months ago. As selfish as he was, he couldn’t help but think maybe you’d take him back as well.

He’d worked so hard to prove to himself, to the people of Gotham, and most specially, prove to you, that he wanted to be better. Good enough to actually deserve you.

Because he couldn’t take it anymore. He tried. Lots of women. None of them compared to you. Not in the slightest. And he stopped taking advantage of women just to make himself forget you after a while. It wasn’t right. And besides, he was an idiot to think he’d actually even forget you.

_Will you take him back?_

_Will you take him back?_

_Will you?_

Standing outside your apartment, hands stuffed to his hoodie, Jason stared at the door.

Just one push of the doorbell, and he’ll see you, face to face, after so long.

He really fucking wanted you. So bad.

Is he ready? Is he enough?

Hours. He stood there for hours, and still, he didn’t.

_No._

He had one last thing to take care of.

One last thing, that if done, would change practically everything. Even if he wasn’t so sure, when he’ll probably have to force himself to do it with all his might,

It would change everything. And no longer will he have to be afraid of the monster that he is. What he was. What he could be if he didn’t try.

Jason pulled out his phone.

He placed it to his ear, walking out of your sidewalk.

“Hello?”

Jason swallowed, hearing that familiar, deep voice.

“Dick. It’s Jason.”

Silence. Bitter silence. Or sweet silence. Whatever it was called.

“Jason?”

“Yeah.”

Mend the past. Forget about what had happened. Move on. That’s what he made you promise. He’ll have do his part as well.

“Hi, Jason.”

“Hi,” he gulped.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.”

Dick was eerily silent in between his occasional mumbles. “I read the reports.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Sorry.”

He was gonna do it.

 _‘Do it’,_ he heard you tell him.

“Can we meet? Just talk things through?”

“Oh,” Dick said. “O-of course, Jason. I’d really like that.”

“Don’t tell Bruce yet. I’ll call him, too. In time.”

“Of course. Whatever you need.”

Jason looked back out into your apartment building, at the window with the fire escape.

\-----

**12 MONTHS**

Gotham Summer Music Festival.

You were all dressed up, made up, and ready to go on stage. Your cue was up next, and you had one song to go through before they’ll let you go home. Your culminating activity before graduation, they said. You had to do this right. You weren’t so nervous, but the fact that your grades were on the line, it terrified you that you might actually have to go through a semester again if you don’t do well.

Nothing to worry about, though. If people were completely honest. You’ll do great. You did great in rehearsals. You’ll do great now. It shouldn’t be any different from all the other performances.

You pulled out your phone and opened an article you had saved in your screenshots.

**_RED HOOD: GOTHAM’S MOST BELOVED HERO_ **

You smiled. Your heart warmed. Jason would have loved this. Seeing you here.

And you would have loved to see him. You were so proud of him, it was crazy.

You should’ve invited him. Maybe he would have said yes. It was because of him why you were here at all. Even after a year, seeing you onstage wouldn’t be so bad.

But you didn’t. You didn’t want to be rejected again. As much as you still fucking loved him, all the way down in the deepest pits in your heart you learned to tuck away when it wasn’t called for, you knew he probably wouldn’t say yes.

But you closed your eyes, imagined what he would have said to you right now, how his words would have sent you all the way up to the sky, and you’ll be able to tell him how proud you were of him, too. In your most perfect world, he’d be yours. Now that you’ve soared. Now that he was the best version of himself.

“Y/N! You're up!”

You stood up and shook yourself off from that trance.

A good crowd. They cheered at you, and you waved your arm up at them. You were singing solo. And with the school wanting a song that went best with your voice, they let you choose.

The guitar started playing. And you were closing your eyes, letting the music play right through you and got yourself into the void.

.

_“I was wrong to say I loved her_

_I was wrong to think I'm right_

_But when I told her it was over_

_My darling I had lied_

_I've been running from my demons_

_Afraid to look behind_

_I've been running from myself_

_Afraid of what I'd find…”_

_._

You chose this song. You chose it because of him. Everything. The words. The emotion. It hit every nerve there was. You kept your eyes closed, really felt the words flow through you. The crowd was silent.

.

_“But how am I supposed to love you_

_When I don't love who I am?_

_And how can I give you all of me_

_When I'm only half a man?_

_'Cause I'm a sinking ship that's burning_

_So let go of my hand_

_Oh, how can I give you all of me_

_When I'm only half a man?”_

.

You breathed in, taking a second, a tear went down your cheek, then you opened your eyes.

And the world, the once cruel, vile little world that never was so kind to you, finally gave you that smidge of kindness, a pardon of all the years of you beating yourself up, of you going through an inferno of a life, barely being held together with the strings of happiness you desperately hold onto.

Jason.

In the deepest parts of the crowd, so blended in that only you, _you_ could have possibly picked him out of it.

He smiled up at you.

The tears continued to flow.

\-----

_“And now I'm stuck in this hotel room_

_By cold neon light_

_I've been waiting for an answer_

_But it don't come tonight_

_And every bottle I had stolen_

_Lay shattered on the floor_

_What's broken can't be whole, anymore_

.

That song would have spoken to him a year ago. When he did think he was half a man.

He would’ve beaten himself over it like all those years, then he’d have left the crowd and be on his way. But when you caught his eye, tears down your face, he knew this was the right choice. He knew it was right to come back.

God, he was so proud of you.

He could watch you all day. You improved so much, and you sounded nothing less of an angel by now. You were going to ace this grade and you were going to graduate with your head held high, being one of the most talked about students in the school. He was so, so fucking proud of you.

And if you weren’t looking at him like this, he would have thought you didn’t need him anymore.

But he’ll take that chance. He’ll let you make that decision. For once. You’ll be the one to decide if you still wanted him back. He did everything he could to give you that freedom of a choice. Just a few days ago, he talked to Bruce. He’d been talking to Dick and even Tim every so often.

Even if you’ll say no, even if you wouldn’t have him, he came to thank you. If it weren’t for you he wouldn’t be here at all.

It was as if that year without you didn’t even pass. He was still as in love with you as the first time.

He realized you were the only one he’ll ever be in love with since… well, since he first kissed you.

He walked closer to the stage, his eyes never leaving you. You looked at him, with your tears. _‘I’m here,’_ he mouthed at you.

And you understood. You closed your eyes, finishing the song with the whole crowd in wild screams and claps. He clapped for you, then he started walking to edge of the crowd. To the left. He saw you going in there.

.

Fuck.

Your heart was beating so fast.

And it wasn’t because you basically finished college or that you performed in front of the biggest crowd in your life.

You went through the mounds of people coming to congratulate you. You hurriedly shook every hand you could, then you excused yourself to go out into the crowd.

.

You weren’t here. Where did you go? He could have sworn you went this way just a moment ago. Jason went back into the audience, walking over to the other side, the one going into the backstage.

.

You couldn’t see him. He wasn’t where you last saw him. Jason couldn’t have left, right? He told you he was here. He’d be a jackass if he left again. You went into the crowd and got yourself lost.

.

“Sorry,” he said to a guy he accidently hit with his shoulder. You weren’t backstage. The sun was starting to come down. It’ll be a lot harder to find you in the dark. People were sweaty and smelly and he desperately wanted to get out of here.

.

You bumped through every person you could. “Excuse me.” You stood in your tip toes, looking for a guy so tall he’d be seen from a mile away. Nothing. You couldn’t see him. You started to feel your heart sink.

.

He had to see you now. Now. Now. Now. Where the fuck were you-

There. Standing in the middle of the audience on your toes, trying to look for him in the other direction. And he froze. He didn’t know if he should come up to you so suddenly. What was he going to say to you?

.

You started to lose so much hope, so quickly you wanted to cry.

But as the world continued to remind you that good things eventually do happen, you turned around.

He was almost being hidden by the people passing through, but the moment you caught his eye, everything else was a blur.

.

You saw him now, with your beautiful eyes shaking as it caught his own. Jason gulped, hands in his pockets trying to conceal his quaking. He took the first step.

The crowd’s screams. The voices. The people around you. They didn’t exist.

.

You started walking towards him, slowly. You took your time. You were too nervous to just suddenly go up to him. But he looked so handsome and bright and radiant. No one would blame you. You heard soft bells in the distance, or perhaps a soft key in the piano, repeatedly playing the more steps you took.

.

Jason smiled at you.

.

You smiled back.

.

And finally, finally…

You were standing in front of him.

He wasn’t exactly sure what to say.

.

You didn’t know what to tell him. You took even more steps to close your distance. And when you got close enough, despite the crowd and the noise, you heard him. “Hi…”

You chuckled. “Hi…”

.

He looked down, at his feet. He was probably blushing at the sight of you. You just looked so beautiful.

.

Everything. After all that, you’ve both changed for the better.

.

And even when it took so long, now, you were ready for each other.

.

Logically. Truthfully. The only thing that one year taught him was how much he dreaded having to go on each day without you. 

.

It just couldn't be. Both of you forcing yourselves to believe you were better off apart. It just wasn't true. In the simplest way, you had to have each other.

.

It wouldn't be living without you. 

.

No other time felt so right.

.

Jason took another step closer to you. “You were amazing out there…”

“Thank you,” you said. You took the next step. You were standing so close to his chest, you looked right up to his eyes.

.

You didn’t want to waste any more time.

“I heard... about the things you've done,” you told him. “I‘m proud of you.”

Jason smiled.

"I'm proud of you, too."

.

Jason wanted you in his arms already. Not a minute more to pass without you in them.

He took your hand. And you looked at it, before turning up to look so mesmerizingly into his eyes. He had so much to say to you.

Here you were, standing right in front of him.

Yeah. This was the right choice.

He didn't even have to say all that he thought, how you two just couldn't live being apart and how, especially now, you didn't have to. You could have him. He could have you. 

You held his face, so gently with your lingering eyes, then you kissed him.

\-----

The whole world could have disappeared.

But nothing, nothing could have stopped either of you from a kiss that had been years too late. A kiss that a beginning to another story. One where no longer did you have more secrets, more demons to hide. When you’ve both changed so much for the other that the timing couldn’t possibly be more perfect. You were here. He was here.

Everything was spinning. Everything was light. And with that kiss, flashes of a future you desperately wanted washed over you, and after all those years of hardships and punishments, if this was what it ultimately led to, then it was all worth it.

“Y/N...” he whispered.

Jason held you by the face and kissed you so hard, the whole crowd erupting in applause for another performer he didn’t care about. You held onto him so tightly, letting the sun go down as time went by. You didn’t count the minutes. Not any longer. You both knew, somehow, you just knew. This time, it was going to last.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said. You smiled so brightly against his lips. “Where?”

He looked around. “I have a place in mind. But it’s three hours away.”

\-----

Just as it had been chaotic, wild, and overwhelming a while ago, it was the complete opposite now.

The place was closed, as expected, but you and Jason managed to go to the house’s door step. He took you to a place that he owed your story to. You’ve never been here before, but even then, he saw how much your smile lit up the empty Philadelphia street the moment you walked out of the car.

And with you, sitting on the steps of the historical building with him on your side, you both looked up at the sky, at the stars that littered about that weren’t there back at home.

Jason thanked the stars as well. He thanked everything. You leaned on his shoulder, and you spent the night away on that porch, watching how love made the whole world come to a slow, steady pause. He was never going to let you go. Not anymore. You were his. Actually his. Forever.

Just like he used to, Jason reached over to take your chin, and with his lips so soft, he kissed you.

You were sitting outside the house of a man who brought two lost souls together, who often wrote about sadness and depth and ended up bringing two kids to fall in love. The man he never thought he’d thank, but he did.

On the plaque standing next to the house’s door, it read:

**Edgar Allan Pоe National Historic Site**


	21. Epilogue

**_GOTHAM TODAY_ **

**_WAYNE’S PRODIGAL SON WRONGFULLY DECLARED DEAD_ **

**_September 23, 2020_ **

‘ _At 11:43 pm, April 27, 2014, tragedy struck in the Wayne household as billionaire Bruce Wayne’s adopted son, Jason Todd, was declared dead from a bombing accident, leaving dozens of friends and family devastated._

_However, Bruce Wayne has come out in recent interviews about what actually happened all those years ago._

_The body they had recovered from the bomb site, belonging to an 18-year-old Caucasian male of above average height, was brought in to Elliot Memorial Hospital and was declared dead on arrival. No DNA tests were conducted at that time, and after it was shown that Todd was in the area when the bomb exploded, Bruce Wayne himself declared that the body was his son’s, despite the damages on the body had rendered it unrecognizable. No other bodies were found in the area and no missing person’s report matched the vitals of the body._

_Almost six years after the accident, it was revealed that Jason Todd is alive and well and had come back to Gotham to take his rightful place as one of Wayne’s line up of young wards. In a recent interview, Wayne has revealed that Todd had left Gotham without any prior notice and had removed himself from any connection to his adopted father._

_As remarkable this story is, Todd is yet to release a statement about his return. The young man, now aged 23, has refused to participate in any interview so far about the matter and is rarely seen out in public with or without his family._

_However, for those wanting to know more about the prodigal son, his girlfriend, rising singer/songwriter and cover artist Y/FN Y/LN, has posted a video on her social media accounts where she often posts her recordings and song covers. Jason Todd appears in the live video and answers questions about their relationship._

_Watch the recorded video of their livestream HERE or read the transcript:_

**_Q &A W/ BOYFRIEND: RECORDED LIVE VIDEO TRANSCRIPT_ **

_*Jason Todd and Y/FN Y/LN sitting on their couch*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Hi. I’m Y/N. And this is my boyfriend, Jason.”_

_*Jason looks away from the camera*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“I don’t usually like to talk in any of my videos but a lot of people have found Jason’s private account and have been asking if he was single, especially after that first report of him being alive was released._

_*Y/N leans into the camera*_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Babe, don’t-“_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“If the title doesn’t already make it clear, no, he’s not single. I’m his girlfriend. So if you know what’s right for you, STAY. AWAY. FROM JASON.”_

_*Jason rubs his face *_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Was that necessary?”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“What is?”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“You threatening those poor people.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Yes, it is.”_

_*Y/N pulls out her phone*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Sorry. He doesn’t like being on camera, but I convinced him to do this with me.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Right. Convinced me-”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“We’re gonna take this as a chance to answer some questions you might have about us.”_

_*Y/N takes Jason’s arm and places it around her shoulders. Jason is still looking away from the camera*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Okay. First question from @l-horizon11. ‘How long have you guys been together?’”_

_*Y/N nudges Jason’s shoulder. Jason sighs*_

**_Jason:_ ** _“We’ve been together for two years-“_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Actually we dated in high school for about a year, then he left Gotham and a year after he came back, we got together again. That was two years ago.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“That’s what I said.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“No, you left out all the other parts.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“I didn’t- fine.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Next question. From @birdy-bat-writes. ‘How did you guys meet?’”_

_*Y/N looks at Jason. Jason looked up from the floor and back at Y/N*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Are you paying attention?”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“I thought you were gonna answer it.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“So, you’re just gonna sit there and not say anything?”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“You answered the last question-“_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Now you answer the next one.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Fine.”_

_*Jason looks at the camera*_

**_Jason:_ ** _“We met in detention back in junior year as library assistants for ten weeks. We started dating after a while.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“See, that wasn’t so bad.”_

_*Jason looks away again*_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Okay, let’s see what’s next…”_

_*Y/N leans in to the camera*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“From @princesslanawe, ‘Were you happy about being in detention with each other?’”_

_*Y/N stares at the camera*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Well, I thought he was cute, so I was actually quite happy-“_

**_Jason:_ ** _“You once told me you wanted to kill me with a roll of toilet paper.”_

_*Y/N glares at Jason*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“So you WEREN’T happy about being stuck with me?”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“It was a joke. Of course, I was happy.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“OH, so now you’re being sarcastic with me?”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“What- you say EVERYTHING sarcastically-“_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Right…”_

_*Jason sighs off camera*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Just read the next one.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Fine. From @offendedfishnoises, Who would win in an argument?”_

**_Both_ ** _: “ME.”_

_*Y/N and Jason glare at each other*_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Okay. Thanks a lot for that question, fish, but we’re not gonna talk about that-“_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Why not?”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“We’re not about to argue on camera.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“We’re not fighting.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Next question. From @knightfall05, ‘Where was our first date?’”_

_*Jason looks at Y/N*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Our first date was in the Gotham City Christmas Market-“_

**_Jason:_ ** _“No, it wasn’t-“_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Yes it was.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“No, it was in the abandoned house in the country.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“We weren’t together yet.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“But it was sort of a da-“_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Why pick a fight with me?!”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Okay. You need to chill.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Or else what?”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Or else I’m not gonna talk to you for the rest of the day.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“…”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“You gonna chill?”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“…”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“ʸᵉˢ.”_

_*Jason smiles, then he kisses her cheek*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“From @americasmarauders. ‘You guys look so cute together. Who said I love you first?’”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“I did.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“No, I did.”_

_*Jason closes his eyes and takes a deep breath*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“He first said he was in love with me. But after a few days I was the one who said the exact words ‘I love you’ first.’_

**_Jason:_ ** _“It’s the same thing.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Whatever. Next one from @angel-lover-alice. ‘Jason what things do you love?’”_

_*Y/N squints at the camera*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Okay, why are you only asking about hi-“_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Y/N.”_

_*Jason pulls her by the shoulder*_

**_Jason:_ ** _“I love Y/N.”_

_*Y/N smiles*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Aweee…”_

_*Y/N kisses Jason’s cheek*_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Next. From @lucy-roo, ‘Are you guys living together?’”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Good question. Yes, we just moved in together this week.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“It’s been the best.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“You said that sarcastically again.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“No, I didn’t. And what did I say about being chill?”_

_*Y/N rolls her eyes*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Fine. Just a few more. From @boosyboo9206 and @inconspicuousasparagus, you guys have the same question, ‘Does Jason sing as well?’”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“No.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Yes.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“No, I don’t.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“He does. But only with me.”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“…”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Next. ‘From @idkmanicantenglish, Jason, please sing for us <3.’”_

_*Y/N grabs the camera*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Girl, that heart emoji was a big mistake-“_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Y/N!”_

_*Y/N looks at him, pouts, then places the camera back*_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Next one from @sarcasmismyfirstlove, ‘Who gets more jealous?”_

_*Y/N rolls her eyes away from the camera and Jason secretly point at her with his thumb.*_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Last one from @jaybirdsbitch,”_

**_Jason:_ ** _“I love all your urls, by the way, you guys all seem so great.”_

_*Y/N glares at Jason*_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Anyway-“_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“I’ll read it.”_

_*Jason sighs*_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Go ahead.”_

**_Y/N:_ ** _“Y/N, you’re so hot I love you so much-“_

**_Jason:_ ** _“Okay. That’s enough. Video off.”_

_*Y/N laughs and kisses Jason on the lips. They make out for a while, then Jason pulls away to stop the camera*_


End file.
